OffRedditor LostnConfused1010 recently had a major foot-in-mouth moment during a very important conversation with his son.
The Original Poster (OP) had suspected for a long time that his son was interested in men, but when the time finally came for his son to come out he made a really bad joke at a really bad time.
He turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
He asked:
"AITA for how I [37-year-old Male] reacted to my son [17-year-old Male] coming out to me?"
He went on to explain the situation.
"So, I've always known my son had an interest in men."
"He was slow on the pick up of incognito mode, and from the searches he made, I figured he was at least "Bi-curious" (if that's the proper term for it) since he hit puberty."
"Well, last year, he started bringing a boy around, and it was obvious they were dating, to the point I figured that he knew I knew, and it wasn't a big deal to anyone."
"Well, apparently, I was wrong."
"After school yesterday, he and his boyfriend came up to me and said there was something really important they needed to tell me."
"My son said that they were dating and had been for a year. Well... I was surprised that he wasn't aware I knew and was a bit thrown off."
"My mouth moved faster than my brain, and I said, 'Well, that's pretty f*cking gay.'"
"Now, I thought it was peak comedy, since it is, in fact, gay. However, I understand using the word gay in that way gives it a very negative undertone, hence the mouth faster than brain comment."
"Now my son and I are usually pretty "edgy" with our humor, this being fairly tame for the stuff we joke about."
"While probably not appropriate for the situation, it wasn't our norm for a conversation between us. However, he and his boyfriend were very, very upset and left."
"I'm probably the a**hole, but I thought I would check, and see if y'all had some advice on what I can say to fix it. He currently won't respond to my texts or calls."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"YTA for the wording. I won't lie, as someone who has been out and proud for years, that joke made me laugh my an** off."
"But your son needed support more than humor."
"In the grand scheme of things though, I was expecting much worse from the title."
"So I think if you just apologize and explain that you meant it in a humorous way and that you fully accept him and his partner, you and your son will be fine." - Lesbian-Mermaid
"YTA but I see what you were trying to do. I'm glad that, from the sounds of it, your son has a very supportive parent in you. A lot of us don't, so for real, props to you."
"But your son only had one chance at coming out to you. It's a big moment for him, and your response was to make a joke."
"I know you were trying to indicate that this wasn't a big deal to you in a bad sense, but I get why it was hurtful for your son and his boyfriend."
"Maybe apologizing and asking if you can have a second chance at acknowledging this moment for him would help turn it around." - SureCan0604
"You're the funny a**hole here."
"Trust me, in a very short space of time, you and your son will look back on the moment and laugh about it."
"Just give him time to simmer down, apologize, and explain you knew and thought it was very obvious."
"It was just an unspoken understanding, and no big deal made about it, and again, say sorry for not realising he wasn't yet at the place mentally about the situation that you were and obviously thought he was." - Massive-Antelope-856
"I'm clearly outnumbered, but I think NAH. Just somebody who made a joke at an inappropriate time. Who hasn't?"
"You live and learn. You clearly don't judge your kid for his sexuality, and I assume you just wanted to show acceptance by breaking the tension with an attempt at humor."
"Just apologize for joking during a moment that was clearly important to him and ask how you can best support him moving forward." - MaddyFatty
"I'm definitely going to be in the minority here, but nobody on Reddit knows your personal dynamic and this is exactly the type of joke I'd want my father to tell me to lighten the seriousness of it all."
"But what your son wanted was something more genuine in that moment. You misread the situation but I don't think that makes you an a**hole."
"NAH, and I'm glad you support your son." - behappysometimes
"You're gonna get rinsed, but I'll give my gay perspective. It's fine in the end, as long as you talk to him. He's told you something big, despite you already knowing."
"He'll be wanting some tiny bit of obvious support and a little bit of shock. We fight really hard as teens to hide our true selves, to realise it didn't work hurts a bit."
"Talk though, I suspect you're a good dad really." - teflon2000
"YTA for your wording."
"It no doubt hurt your son and his BF."
"You have no idea as to how his BFs family is when it comes to their relationship so you could have been a 'safe space' for them both to share their feelings and relationship." - LittlePea0617
"YTA - but it was funny. But Time and place."
"You need to apologise, and also inform him that you've known about his preferences for over a year, and you didn't raise it with him because you wanted him to be comfortable."
"That you support him 100%, love him to bits as your son, and if he needs anything you're there." - Apprehensive-Show322
"Lmao A+ for the joke. Made me laugh pretty hard lol but probably not the most appropriate for that scenario!"
"Although, I totally understand the whole mouth moving before the brain can process deal, and it's gotten me in trouble before!"
"I'd say just talk to them and smooth it over and explain that you've known all along and are okay with it, you just were thrown off guard, and your mouth went for it lol NAH" - Plum_Potato
"I feel like most people expect a negative reaction to coming out."
"So even though this was in the lane of the humor you and your son share, given the timing of it, his sensitivity to the situation meant that it wouldn't be received well."
"NAH, I just think you need a follow-up conversation to let him know you don't really gaf. Some people be gay…" - Itsjustausername535
"YTA. This was a very hard thing for him to do. The coming out story and how you, as the parent, take it is what can set the tone of your relationship with him going forward."
"Set your son down and tell him you're sorry. Tell him you've always known and you have and always will love him."
"Tell him you were trying to be funny but realize it was the wrong way and the wrong time to do so. As to him, not knowing you know... well, that's just kids being scared."
"I always taught my son that there was nothing wrong with loving who you wanted to love no matter the gender. He still feared I was going to throw him out of the house if he told me."
"It's just them being scared. Just let him know you love and respect him." - Spencerchick
"I'm bisexual. If my dad did that right as I had come out in front of my BF, I'd be upset…especially as a teen."
"After I knew he accepted me, I'd laugh with him. We have a similar kind of relationship with edgy jokes. Just apologize and offer your support."
"You're a well-intentioned AH. The impact just wasn't what you were expecting." - Bigjoeyjoe81
"NAH, you just made a mistake because you were taken by surprise. it was not a big deal to you because you have known for a long while, and you thought he knew you knew."
"so your mind was still in a normal estate, like a son just giving you an update on his current dating life."
"and your relationship with him being edgy banter, it just came out before your brain could make the connection"
"'why is he teeling me this?' > 'he thinks i dont know' > 'he is coming out, so it's a big deal for him, not the place to make a joke. definitely not the place to make that kind of jokes'"
"if you apologized when you finally connected the dots, i bet your son's reaction really helped too. then i wouldnt call you an A."
"also the reaction of your son is normal. he will calm down and most likely will forgive you by the mistake." - xBulletJoe
The OP went on to update his original post:
"Iiiiii did not expect this to gain so much traction. It's a bit intimidating, lol. I am reading all the comments, though."
"Anyways, here is a small update - He's at his grandparents' house, which I knew. He told them to tell me he'll be home tomorrow after school to talk. I'll update you all after the conversation."
"Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it."
Most well-intentioned a**hole there ever was.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.