Mental health is nothing to be scoffed at. But what happens when someone else’s mental health directly affects someone else’s major life milestones?
Redditor Adventurous-One-8593 is the parent of a 19-year-old girl with severe anxiety. Her anxiety has increased to the point where she doesn’t feel capable of driving.
Recently the Original Poster’s (OP’s) son was getting married. During the festivities, the OP’s daughter felt a panic attack coming on.
She asked the OP to drive her home, but seeing as it was her brother’s wedding, OP’s son, the OP refused and told her to call an Uber.
This caused an argument to ensue between the family, driving the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
They asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter she is being selfish and that she needs to take an uber since I am not leaving her older brothers wedding”
They went on to explain:
“This has been a built up issue, my son got married this weekend and this issue isn’t dying so I am going here.”
“My daughter has very bad anxiety. She is 19, and I will call her Shelly. Shelly used to go to therapy when she was a minor but stopped when she turned 18.”
“Ever since then, her anxiety has been out of control, and due to this, she won’t drive anymore.”
“She has a license but refuses to drive. We live in the USA, and driving is basically needed, or it’s a big inconvenience for the people around her.”
“Also, she is an adult, so it’s not like we can force her to drive.”
“This is the issue. My son was getting married, and she was uncomfortable with so many people around at his wedding.”
“She asked me to take her home; I told her no and asked if she was having difficulties to wait in the car. She told me it’s freezing outside and she needs to leave.”
“I told her no, again. Turn on the heat in the car and wait if she needs to be away from people.”
“She don’t like this answer and told me she will have an attack if she stays and she needs to go home. I told her to take an Uber, then I am not leaving.”
“She don’t like this and this was turning into a full argument. Shelly told me I need to take her home again, and I had enough.”
“I told Shelly she is being selfish, that she has many opinions, and I will not deprive her bother (my son) of his parents being at his weddings.”
“If I took her home, I would miss his wedding since it was an hour’s drive here. She called me a jerk and left to stay in the car for a bit. She was back about an hour later for the rest of the wedding.”
“She has been pissed since, and her younger brother is copying her”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“Nta thank god you said no. Notice how she magically was able to cope when push came to shove? That tells you a lot.”
“She is used to getting her way, and it’s high time she starts living in the real world and takes responsibility for her own life.”
“She needs to stop using anxiety- a perfectly normal emotion- as an excuse not to push herself to learn tools to cope and take responsibility for her own life and future…”
“…including seeking therapy if needed (and legit likely is). Her emotional manipulation and threats need to lose the power they’ve had in the past. Again, NTA. It’s called good parenting.”
“She’s 19, not 9.” – Antelope_31
“NTA 100%, as you’ve stated, as she is now an adult, you can’t force her to do things. She quit therapy, and that’s on her. If she has a panic attack, it is not your responsibility.”
“She is now an adult and needs to figure out how to handle this.”
“Expecting her mother to miss her own child’s wedding is absolutely selfish. You need to sit her down and lay out expectations.”
“She has decided to quit therapy, she has decided to no longer drive, it is now on her to decide how to handle the difficulties she’s going to face as a result of this.”
“If she’s still living with you, then a requirement of staying with you needs to be therapy.”
“Panic attacks are awful but if she’s of sound enough mind to try and blame you because she might have one then I question the validity of them in the first place.” – HPNerd44
“NTA. And next time, don’t bring her with.”
“She has options to get her anxiety treated that she’s refusing to exercise, and choosing to do this in the middle of someone else’s major life event screams main character syndrome.”
“She had options, she just didn’t like the ones that didn’t make her the center of this.”
“Every time she brings this up, offer her therapy to deal with her untreated anxiety and then refuse to engage her further.” – Witty-Stock-4913
“NTA and that’s coming from someone who has anxiety myself.”
“You have her option once like your daughter i had a reaction like this and my mum Put her foot down as said I wasn’t allowed home and had to wait for the ppl I was with to come home…”
“…and you know what am glad she did as I had an amazing time at the concert I was at ( at the time i didn’t realise it was anxiety)…”
“…but since then i have found ways to cope/ calm me down when am having them and I now don’t have them as often.”
“Also your daughter said she was going to have a breakdown but then managed to come back.” – Loungefly-lover2021
“NTA. If she made the ‘adult’ choice to quit therapy, she also needs to take on the adult responsibility of being able to get herself out of uncomfortable situations.”
“Next time, she needs to not go to whatever big event it is. She needs to understand her triggers and manage them and herself.”
“At 19, she is fully old enough to do that, including avoiding triggering situations.”
“I’d add, though, that OP, in turn, would need to be willing not to begrudge her missing events if she needs to.” – Specific-Succotash-8
“NTA. Anxiety at a big gathering can definitely be troublesome, but you were 100% correct when you said she had other ways of approaching it.”
“There was no reason that you would have had to leave the wedding.”
“I’ve had bad anxiety for years, but the key to being a functional adult, even with anxiety, is having a measure of independence.”
“Her anxiety might need clinical help if she continues to disrupt others.” – BeardManMichael
“Shelly has been accommodated for way too long. She does nothing to manage or mitigate her own issues…”
“…and expects absolutely everyone to drop absolutely everything to do what she feels she needs in the moment.”
“Thinking that it is OK to pull you away from your son’s wedding? That is absolutely unacceptable. You need to start dealing with her in a different way that shows respect for yourself and for others.”
“It’s her choice whether or not she goes to therapy. It is your choice whether or not you are a full-time caretaker and chauffeur to a grown woman who refuses to treat her own illness.”
“NTA. She needs professional help and personal boundaries. “ – External-Hamster-991
“NTA! Next time Shelly has an episode like this, you straight up give her the option to either restart therapy or learn to deal with it on her own accord.”
“Her behaviour makes it look like she likes to be the center of her own drama.”
“Her brother’s wedding was an important event, one for which she should have learned to cope up with her episodes.” – BoredofB
“NTA. Your son’s wedding is a big deal, and you made a call to be there for him. And big events like that usually doesn’t happen often.”
“Anxiety is tough, but sometimes compromises are just part of the deal. It happens, and you did your best to navigate it.” – LongMedmory
“I have anxiety and PTSD, and it can appear everywhere and at any time. I will never, not even for a moment, expect those around me to amend themselves to me.”
“She’s 19; she needs to grow up and find solutions that do not include her daddy. She can start by going back to therapy and start taking meds. NTA.” – Hour-Ad-1193
“This drives me insane to a degree that makes my head explode.”
“I know anxiety. It’s genetic, and my kids have it. One has it so severely she has Selective Mutism.”
“LUCKILY, there’s help for it!”
“Your daughter is an adult and responsible for her own medical care now. This is her job as an adult.”
“First of all, cut this off with the younger son. He needs to stop immediately. This isn’t an option for him.”
“Secondly, your daughter needs a swift kick in the a**. Tell her she has three months to start therapy again or she has to move out.”
“Tell her how she acted at her brother’s wedding is inexcusable, and if she ever acts like that again, then she has to move out immediately.”
“Tell her you aren’t driving her anywhere until you get a sincere apology for her actions.”
“Idk what you thought would happen, but you’ve enabled her until she got to this point. There are MEDS for anxiety, ffs, and no one has to live like she’s choosing to live.”
“It’s time to get YOUR sh*t together so you can help her.”
“NTA for not leaving, but it should have never gotten to this point.”
Time to set up some real boundaries, OP.