As we grow older, and watch our parents age, it becomes natural to want to be there for them, like they were there for us, helping them out however we can.
In many cases, this might mean having one or more of your parents move back in with you.
No matter how strong a relationship you might have had with your parents, this is almost guaranteed to pose some challenges.
Redditor Old_Programmer_5669 was more than willing to have their parents move back in with them, believing they had just the right place to put them.
However, upon arriving at the original poster (OP)'s house, their parents were less than thrilled to discover where they would be staying.
Resulting in the OP giving them an ultimatum.
Wondering if they were being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA because I told my parents to choose between living in my garage or a nursing home."
The OP explained why they didn't take too kindly to their parent's response to their designated area in their house.
"I don't drive and live in my forever house with my dogs."
"My kids are grown up and I'm a widow."
"I converted my garage into a legal guest house with everything a person needs for when the kids visit."
"Independent washroom, kitchen, everything."
"My parents have recently asked me if they can move in with me."
"I agreed and talked to my kids to let them know that if they came for a visit the garage was taken so they would have to stay in the house."
"My parents showed up on the appointed day and the kids showed up with their families to help get them moved in."
"And they actually had already arranged a hotel for one family so we would not be crowded."
"My parents were confused as to why we were moving their stuff into the garage."
"I told them that was where they were staying."
"They said that they thought they could move into my house since I have five bedrooms."
"I explained that I actually have two bedrooms since one room is my office where I see clients, one is my private office, and one is my hobby room."
"The spare bedroom is mostly for my mutts."
"They said that they wanted to live in the house not out in the garage like Fonzie."
"I said it was a take it or leave it situation."
"If they didn't want the garage they could move into a nursing home or something."
"They are upset that they are living RENT FREE in a private guest house that is fully up to code."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
If there were some differing opinions, the Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their parents that if they didn't want to live in their garage unit, they could move to a nursing home.
Almost everyone agreed that the OP's parents were being incredibly ungrateful, and should have felt flattered and lucky to be living in their converted garage, and their ultimatum was more than fair.
"NTA."
"If it's a converted guest house that's completely up to code I don't see a reason that they would want to go into the house as everything you have in the house you have in the guest house too."
"My friend recently turned her shed into a beautiful guest house, kitchen appliances, private bathroom the works, her parents are currently living there and they don't have a problem with it."
"They like the privacy and they like being close to their child."- Snoo-53572
"NTA."
"This is not the garage."
"This is a converted living space."
"A FREE converted living space."
"And Fonzie didn't live in the garage."
"He lived in an apartment above the garage."- FuzzyMom2005
"Wow, your parents are spoiled."
"A rent free, up to code apartment t sounds pretty sweet."
"If it isn't good enough for them, then they can make other arrangements."
"But if you let them into your main house-it will become their house."
"And you won't be able to get away from them."
"NTA."- YouthNAsia63
"They wanted into.the main house for you to be their cook, maid and carer."
"In the guest house they have to fend for themselves."- No_Noise_5733
"Tell them 'It's my roof and you'll do as I say'."
"j/k."
"But honestly, a rent free place of their own where they're not in your way and you're not in theirs seems like the best deal for everyone."
"Obviously there will be times when they visit you in the main house, but I think you're being fair."
"NTA."- ktatsanon
"NTA."
"I'd be totally fine with that."
"Rent free?"
"Sign me up."
"I'll adopt you and everything."- chaingun_samurai
"NTA."
"You might not have made it totally clear that they would be in the guest house, not moving in with you."
"Maybe make it clear that you want them to 'maintain their independence' and the guest house is the best way for that."- TsuDhoNimh2
"NTA at all."
"Frankly, if I were your parents, I would prefer the free, up-to-code, private apartment that comes with their own kitchen!"
"Plus, there wouldn't be the worry of interrupting your work."
"Not sure why they can't just be appreciative of the opportunity you've offered to them."
"Sorry you're dealing with this headache."- iadorecolonelbrandon
"NTA."
"I can see older people assuming they would live in the primary residence with you."
"But, if you wanted a roommate, you'd already have gotten one, wouldn't you?"
"I don't think you are selfish."
"I just can appreciate that older folks might just assume you are giving up some comforts for their sake."
"I love my mama dearly."
"Thank all the gods. My home has two sets of stairs."
"My mama is not into stairs."
"She's had three back surgeries in the last 30 years."
"So, she will never actually want to live in this house with me."
"I'd certainly make the offer and convert all of downstairs into a MIL's suite."
"It has a separate entrance even."
"But, I'm fine with the fact that she wouldn't want to live here."- AndSoItGoes24
There were a few, however, who felt that the OP could have communicated better that their parents would be living in the garage, not the house, even if they still felt their reaction was unfair.
"Why would they not know this before they showed up with their stuff?"
"ESH."- Narrow-Moose-2565
"Sounds like you didn't explain it fully to them."- MuddyBoots472
"ESH for not having a convo about living arrangements until the day they moved in."
"Situations like this come up all the time in AITA."
"Don't make big life decisions with other people without talking about it - marriage, kids, roommates, etc."
"N.T.A for offering the garage."- Moons17
Others felt that the OP was the a**hole for their behavior, not only feeling that the OP didn't seem to make it clear to their parents that they would be living in the garage. Many also thought that the OP should have let their parents stay wherever they wanted in the house if they were willing to let them move in in the first place.
"It's feeling like YTA tbh."
"As others have said, things aren't adding up about this story."
"I honestly don't think being upset about living in a garage, even if it's converted into a living space, is that unexpected."
"It doesn't necessarily make someone an a**hole, especially if they didn't expect it."
"I do also want to say that you lived RENT-FREE in your parent's home until you went to college or something."
"That's everyone, and it doesn't mean your parents get to just live with you just because (and honestly I'd hate for my own parents to live with me) but I feel like there's something odd about the concept of RENT FREE when you weren't renting the space out anyway - none of the spaces you mentioned are being rented out... and you have FIVE bedrooms... with one for... your dogs..?"
"You don't have to let your parents live under the same roof as you, but maybe be a little sympathetic to their reasoning and feelings of being insulted about it, especially if you didn't communicate it."
"I don't think you really have a solid reasoning with the dogs, the private office, AND a hobby room... that's 3 bedrooms used for personal reasons that don't 100% necessitate them."
"You live in a big house by yourself, and to your parents, it seems like you put them in a garage."
"It doesn't come off well, frankly."- kimbabs
True, considering the OP has room to spare in their home, one can't help but wonder why it really needs to be garage or bust.
Even so, it's hard to see why the OP's parents would be so disappointed with a fully renovated, up-to-code unit that they could call their very own.
Leading one to agree with those who believed that the OP's parents thought moving in with the OP would mean they were waiting on them hand and foot.
If that is, in fact, what they were looking for, perhaps moving into a nursing home or retirement community would indeed be a better idea.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp