In heteronormative wedding traditions, the roles of the bride's parents differ from those of the groom's parents. From dowries to gifts of gold or glass jewelry, society may expect each family to fulfill certain tasks leading up to and during the wedding.
In the post-colonization United States, the tradition of the bride's parents paying for the wedding replaced dowries as their social responsibility. But with more couples waiting longer to get married, many are choosing to pay for their own nuptials.
Their money, their rules, right?
But what if the bride's parents decide to gift wedding money anyway?
A newlywed whose parents decided her wedding needed a financial boost turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after she opted to use the funds for a more permanent purpose.
Important-Writing889 asked:
"AITA for accepting money from my parents for my wedding then eloping?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My parents gave each of my brothers $50,000 when they graduated from university as a downpayment on their future homes."
"When I graduated from uni, they did not do the same for me."
"I asked about it and they said my husband should provide. I wasn't married and I still lived at home at the time."
"Three years later, I met my husband—a firefighter. We dated for a year and then we got engaged."
"My parents were overjoyed. When we set a date for the wedding they gave me a check for $50,000 to pay for the wedding."
"WTF?"
"I took the check and we eloped."
"I invited them to my wedding. It took place about two weeks after their gift."
"I guess then technically I did not elope—I wasn't sure how else to state it. We had a very small wedding at our friend's house then a buffet lunch."
"We then used the check for a downpayment on a house. My husband had a similar amount saved up so we are in a good spot financially with home equity."
The OP later clarified:
"To be more exact, we told them we were engaged. My dad went to his office and came back with a check for the money."
"We accepted it."
"We went home and talked about it. We decided that we were not going to blow that kind of money on a wedding."
"We went to the county clerk and got a marriage license. We talked to our friends and they agreed to let us use their house."
"We went to the bank and put $50,000 down on our existing mortgage. We can pay it down without penalty once a year."
"It took us two weeks or so to get set with an officiant and everything. We had six friends and my parents present for the wedding."
"Total cost $500."
The OP then got to the problem.
"My parents are furious that they didn't get a big wedding for all their friends and family to attend. They said that they gave me the money for a wedding."
"My argument is that I got married and had leftover money. Accurate in my books."
"The gifts for my brothers were for their houses. My middle brother used a bunch of his for furniture and a big TV without repercussions or anger."
"Our wedding used 1% of their contribution and 99% went toward our home. What if our wedding cost $40,000? Were we required to spend every penny on a wedding?"
"My parents were, are, and will continue to be pissed for the foreseeable future"
"My brothers are on their side, so I am here to ask if I'm in the wrong. Neither of them is married yet so I don't if my parents will be paying for their weddings in addition to the money they got at graduation."
"And I actually have a bigger issue than that."
"My oldest brother graduated 10 years ago. $50,000 was a lot more back then."
"Even if they had given me the $50,000 five years ago when I graduated, it would have been a huge difference in house prices from then until now."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My parents gave me money for my wedding."
"I might be the a**hole because I eloped and used the money for a downpayment on a house instead."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, your family is being horrible and is using a bullsh*t double standard. They didn't expect your brothers to use that money for a big wedding, but you have to.
"They wouldn't have helped you get a home unless it was through marriage, but your brothers didn't have that condition and just got the money."
"And they expected you to have a huge wedding so that they could have fun."
"Saving up the money is the responsible thing to do and they're being bad parents if they'd rather you spent it all on a huge wedding you don't even want."
"There was a wedding, and they were invited, right? They're angry because it wasn't big enough?" ~ A_Dog_Chasing_Cars
"If, for example, this concerned money set aside for education, I'd judge you in the wrong. But 50k for a wedding when your brothers got that same amount for a home is outrageous."
"Seriously, what the heck where they thinking?"
"'Hi, daughter dear. Rather than giving you 50k to set you up quite comfortably housing-wise, we want you to burn through it for a single day called wedding'."
"'Us having fun at that party and being able to brag about it for decades is way more important!'."
"Misogyny aside, I also loathe the fact that they wouldn't have given it to you if you'd preferred to remain single. It's basically bullying you into marriage. NTA."
"And if it costs you your relationship with your parents—that might be better in the long run in any case." ~ Pondering-Out-Loud
"NTA. You found a loophole. It seems odd they gave you the money outright vs paying the wedding invoices. Sorry your parents have double standards." ~ Longjumping-Lab-1916
"NTA. You met their sexism with tricksterism. Well done. Of course, they should give the same to your new home as they gave to your brothers." ~ kimba-the-tabby-lion
"Gifts don't come with strings attached. Methods of control come with strings attached. Good for you on cutting the strings."
"They gave you $50k for your wedding. You used the money for the wedding. They didn't specify how much you had to spend. NTA." ~ Good-Statement-9658
"NTA—you used the money for a down payment on your home, just like your brothers. If your parents want a huge party, tell them to host a vow renewal for themselves. A home and successful marriage is much more important & lasting than an overpriced wedding & reception." ~ dncrmom
"NTA: This is the WISEST use of that money! Obviously, you were getting married because you WANTED the marriage and life together…..not a big wedding to impress people! Good job." ~ Motley_Inked_Paper
"NTA. How very sexist of them. Guess you showed them you were more than a pretty face. Brains, too."
"Got that required husband and the money to top it off. Demanding you spend it all on a party when they set your brothers up nicely in life. What a**holes." ~ KnightofForestsWild
"If they want to talk about it, tell them as pissed as they are about not having gotten a wedding out of their daughter, that's half as pissed as you were when you found out that they thought you had to have a penis to receive money for a home down payment."
"NTA, and congrats on your sound financial management skills! My own wedding cost $35, and the marriage has lasted 45 years so far." ~ marvel_nut
"NTA. You took what you needed for the wedding and used the rest for something meaningful. Good choice."
"You and your husband sound like very nice and levelheaded people. All the best for your marriage and enjoy your first house." ~ misteraustria27
"They weren't really helping her out financially this time, either. They weren't willing to help her buy a house, which is actually useful for the rest of her life."
"She didn't need or want a big fancy wedding, so their gift was pretty meaningless." ~ CollectionStraight2
"Honestly, I would be beyond proud if my kids grow up to be people who decide to do smart stuff with the money I hand them instead of spending it on one stupid day."
"Spending 50k on a wedding is bullsh*t in every standard. Hats off to you spending it on a home for your family and becoming equal owners together with your husband. NTA." ~ AnsStapler
"They thought their boys were worth giving $100k so they could immediately buy their own homes after finishing school, but they thought their daughter was undeserving of getting any help for her own home."
"They thought it would be a fair and just thing to instead 'give her' that money for a single day for them to enjoy, so that they could have a big party to show off to all their friends and family."
"In other words, they were willing to invest in their sons' futures and provide them with one of the most valuable things you can have—something that can last your whole life and be passed down to your kids, something that can be used as equity or outright sold if needed—while they were willing to provide their daughter with one big day of fleeting celebration that they clearly wanted to be more about them than her."
"Sure, OP understood that her parents thought less of her and only expected her to get married and have a 'man take care of her' for the rest of her life."
"She understood that they expected her to be grateful for essentially being sold off with a dowry so that they could tell themselves they were good parents. She understood that they expected to make her 'special day' all about them and were very upset when they couldn't."
"They thought they'd bought themselves a $50,000 party, and now they're realizing that they f**ked up badly by treating their children wildly differently based on their respective genitalia."
"Sadly, instead of having the maturity, wisdom, and grace to admit they'd made a mistake or had some outdated views, they've chosen to double down on their very unfortunate decision. NTA." ~ StormyBlueLotus
The OP's parents can always get their $50,000 party out of their sons since they already financed it.
So what if the sons have to take out loans or sell their homes to get the money?
They agreed with their parents plans for their sister, so they should put their money where their mouth is.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp