Financial support from parents is a luxury, but is never a guarantee.
Some parents are more than willing to help their kids out until they have their feet firmly planted on the ground.
Others are of the mind that children need to learn to be self-sufficient, and the sooner they learn this, the better.
The parents of Redditor Throwaway3568476985 were very much in the latter category.
Thankfully, the original poster (OP) was easily able to find herself in a place of financial independence at a relatively young age.
The OP was less than thrilled, however, when her parents requested she help her brother out financially when an exciting opportunity was sent his way.
She was even less happy to learn that her parents revealed they were able and willing to help her brother out.
Wondering if her frustrations were justified, the OP took to the subReddiit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA My parents are forcing me to pay for my brothers grad school using money they never told me about?”
The OP explained why she found herself in a fairly tense financial dispute with her family:
“I’ve (30 F[emale]) been financially independent since graduating college.”
“I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home.”
“I didn’t apply to grad school because I couldn’t afford it, and my parents made it pretty clear growing up that we needed to stand on our own after high school.”
“My brother (22 M[ale]) is honestly a genius.”
“He worked really hard in school, got a full academic ride to a great state school, and graduated with honors.”
“I’m so, so proud of him.”
“The problem now is he recently got into an extremely prestigious grad program that would open a lot of doors for him.”
“He was hoping for scholarships or a paid internship to cover most of it, but it’s not enough.”
“Now he’s facing tuition and housing costs in one of the most expensive cities in the country.”
“My parents asked if I could help out and suggested I contribute around $15,000 to get him through the first year.”
“They’d match it, and he’d take loans for the rest.”
“I said no.”
“I’ve been working for over a decade on my own goals, and I’m just now starting to save for a house.”
“I don’t feel comfortable putting that on hold, especially when I had to turn down opportunities because there was no help available to me.”
“During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my ‘other fund’ to help him instead.”
“I asked what she meant, and she said they had set aside about $25,000 for me back when I was in college, meant to be used for a future wedding.”
“I was completely blindsided.”
“I had no idea this fund existed.”
“I asked why I wasn’t told about it when I was considering grad school, or now while I’m saving for a home.”
“She said it was always intended for a wedding, not school or property, and since I haven’t needed it (I’m not engaged or in a relationship), they decided to give it to my brother because he has a more immediate need.”
“I’m not going to lie, I was pissed.”
“I never got a chance to make a case for how I could’ve used that money, and now it’s just being handed over to someone else.”
“I told them I felt hurt and left out.”
“My mom said I was being unfair, and that the money was never promised, and if I didn’t want it for a wedding, then it made sense to use it for something meaningful.”
“My brother told me he didn’t know about the wedding fund either, and he understands why I’d be upset, but said he didn’t ask for it.”
“He just wants to go to school and thought we were all trying to support each other.”
“I know my brother worked hard and isn’t trying to take anything from me.”
“But I can’t help feeling like my parents are punishing me for being practical.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for not paying for her brother’s tuition, or for being angry about her parents withholding money intended for her.
Everyone agreed that it was borderline cruel for the OP’s parents to even tell her that money existed, and agreed that if the OP had to work for everything she accomplished in her life, her brother should need to do the same:
“NTA.”
“Those are really sexist expectations.”
“If they wanted to financially support you they could give you the choice of using the funds for education, or travel, a home or a wedding (that’s what I’ve done with my daughters, who I’ve been saving for since they were born).”
“But, despite it being an AH move, it is their choice how they spend their money.”
“And it is presumably still their money, rather than an account in your name.”
“So in practice the AH element was telling you that it was your money in the same move that they snatched it away from you again (though it was really the sexism that underpinned that decision, which has clearly been their all along).”-mavenmim
“NTA.”
“But I don’t believe there is a ‘hidden’ fund.”
“I think mom just wanted to hurt your feelings because you weren’t acquiescing to her demands, and made it up.”- CrankyWife
“NTA.”
“But your mom meant to hurt you with that statement.”
“Probably to get you to feel bad and give what they want.”
“Your parents are AHs for ever telling you about it.”- Vast_Responsibility6
“NTA.”
“Call them out on their sexism, ideally as uncomfortably as possible.”
“‘So if I were a boy this would have been my grad school fund, but because I wasn’t born with a penis dangling between my legs, it was designated as my “get hitched so I can become barefoot and pregnant fund”, am I understanding that correctly?'”- Tommsey
“NTA.”
“Your parents are completely sexist.”
“It was ok to save for your wedding but not your education.”
“It is ok to give to your brother for his education but it seems he does not have a wedding fund.”
“Mum and dad are a**holes.”- Individual_Metal_983
“NTA.”
“Why did they even bother to tell you?”
“It sounds like your mom was just trying to piss you off.”- Maximum-Row-4143
“‘I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home’.”
“You left the nest, put yourself through school, and are in the process of building a life.”
“All your hard work is paying off.”
“You should be proud to be able to work towards your own home, by yourself.”
“‘During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my “other fund” to help him instead’.”
“It’s unfortunate your mother resorted to punishing you for your non-compliance.”
“She could have continued to keep the hidden cache secret, but she chose to briefly dangle that carrot to say what you could have had, then pulled it away.”
“It was an act of pettiness, which got her the emotional reaction out of you she wanted.”
“But here’s the thing: you don’t need it, and you never did.”
“As an adult, you made your own path and are successful regardless of your family’s financial position.”
“You put in all the work to educate yourself, and now you’re well on your way to realizing your personal goals of home ownership.”
“If at some point you decide to marry, you will be able to do that from the proceeds of your own success as well.”
“So don’t succumb to your mother’s efforts to guilt you.”
“You’re better than that.”
“NTA.”- EmploymentLanky9544
“NTA.”
“Your mom meant to hurt you with mentioning the fund to get you to comply.”
“Let them use it.”
“It’s not your money and likely would only be used to control you if you were to get married.”
“It seems like they are attaching strings to the money and likely would attempt to hold it over your head.”
“Don’t want to pay for bros college, fine we’ll use your wedding fund.”
“Don’t want to pay for their care in old age, fine we’ll use your wedding fund.”
“Don’t want to marry the person they want, fine we’ll use the wedding fund for something else.”
“Don’t want to invite the people they want to the wedding, fine no money.”- NocensDomina
It would be a nice surprise to learn that your parents had been secretly saving money for you.
A less pleasant surprise is having them reveal this to you, only to discover they are using it on someone else.
One can’t help but wonder why the OP’s parents thought it was a good idea to tell the OP this money even existed, unless they wanted to make her feel bad about herself?
Based on their behavior, that’s sadly a possibility that can’t be ruled out entirely.