As much as we would like all relationships to be happy and healthy, there are some with questionable markers in them, like past occurrences of infidelity.
Those relationship characteristics can make it really hard to like a loved one's partner and to be civil around them, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, but we have to try our best for the sake of our relationship with our loved one.
Redditor Specific-Hotel-4491 cared about her younger brother and was worried when he stayed in a marriage where he had been repeatedly cheated on.
But when he announced that his wife was expecting their first child, the Original Poster (OP) had immediate concerns about whether or not the child was biologically his or not.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for calling my SIL (Sister-in-Law) a wh**e?"
The OP's sister-in-law (SIL) had repeatedly cheated on her younger brother.
"I (30 Female) have a younger brother, Mark (27 Male), who has been married to his wife, Kate (27 Female) for three years."
"Early in their marriage, Mark found out she had cheated on him, and they decided to make it work."
"Then last year, I walked in on her in bed with a coworker while my brother was away on a job (I was there to pick up the keys to my truck that they'd borrowed). He again decided to make it work."
The OP was skeptical when Kate and Mark made a big announcement.
"A few days ago, Kate and Mark invited us over for dinner. During the dinner, they made an announcement that Kate was pregnant."
"I immediately pulled my brother to the side and asked him if he was sure it was his."
"He said yes."
This aside later led to a very public argument.
"The night went on, and he must've told her I said something, because she made a scene, saying, 'I'd just like to know why you hear good news and have to turn it into something negative.'"
"She called me out in front of everyone, so I simply said, 'Because he's my baby brother, and you're a known wh**e.'"
"We started arguing, and she kicked me out."
"Later that night, my brother texted me, begging to apologize to 'keep the peace.'"
"I feel like I started the conversation with respect, as I pulled my brother away and didn't make a scene. She, on the other hand, was vindictive."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No a**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP's concerns about the pregnancy announcement.
"NTA."
"Your brother is an AH to himself for staying with her. In my opinion, there's absolutely no reason to stay with someone who cheated at least twice that you know of."
"I mean, let's be real... If she got caught cheating twice, I'm 100% sure she's done it at least a few more times where she didn't get caught."
"Your brother deserves better and it's too bad he doesn't see it. If that were my family, she would have been banned from everyone's house. No one in my family is going to sit idly by while someone we love allows a person to treat them that way." - SigSauerPower320
"NTA. You said the truth. Your brother should open his eyes. She'll cheat again and again; that baby might not be even your brother's." - oliveoil02
"It reminds me of a scene in a movie or television show, I think it was 'Narcos.' Someone tells a story about his dad. The dad owned a store and one of the workers had worked there so long, she became an honorary aunt to the children."
"The father caught her stealing, she cried and said she needed the extra money to buy medicine for her child. But he fired her. Why? Because she'd probably done it before. This was just the first time he'd caught her."
"Or in the OP's brother's case, this was the second time he'd caught her cheating..."
"NTA." - AnEpicCoach
"NTA… you voiced a concern in private, and she made it public."
"At most, you could have done so a little more eloquently; for instance, you could have said, 'You haven't been completely faithful in this relationship, have you? So if I question your baby's paternity, that's your fault, not mine, and not my brother's,' rather than calling her that word. But still NTA." - skybound128
"NTA. She has a history of cheating, so the parentage of the child should definitely be questioned."
"She knows there's only so much luck she can have, and if this baby turns out not to be your brother's, it will be more difficult to trick him into staying."
"If she's truly sorry, she would be understanding and trying to do whatever she can to gain that trust back. Her being defensive just makes me think she's cheating again." - Proud-Complex-5267
But others felt the conversation could have waited until a later date.
"YTA. Your brother knows what she's done and has accepted it. He clearly must know there is a probability above 0% that he might not be the father."
"Despite this, they chose to make a public announcement."
"You should have just accepted it at face value and been happy for them." - Elder_Priceless
"YTA. Why you have to immediately start s**t? Your concern is totally understandable, but it's not urgent. Talk to your brother on the phone the next day. Why start drama at a group gathering?"
"Even if he doesn't say anything to his wife, why upset him in this moment? She was obviously being a huge turd, but you don't need to resort to incendiary name calling." - AlexHurts
"Oh yeah, you privately, immediately interrupted the good news because your feelings could not wait. Whether you like it or not, you did start what happened that night."
"Then when she dares say something, you just immediately go into name-calling."
"I get it, you love your brother, and you're just looking out for him. I mean, sure, he's calling and asking you to get involved in his relationship now that you've inserted yourself, but you're done."
"You've done your good deed. You can feel justified in your actions because you feel you did the right thing and after all, this night was supposed to be about you."
"YTA." - Medictations
"The conversation couldn't have waited?! I mean, the kid ain't coming for seven more months, but she had to pull him aside IMMEDIATELY to talk about it? It couldn't have been a phone call later or a chat the next day? It had to be RIGHT NOW? I think timing alone makes YTA." - MrMykeHoncho
"YTA for calling her that and for making that the first thing you said to your brother. Right when he tells you the news, which is good news to him, is not the time to be like, 'But… are you sure, though?'"
"Your brother's not a dummy. He knows his wife has cheated on him. Maybe they talked about it and he decided he wanted to raise this kid as his own without making it a question of paternity."
"Time and a place, man. You chose the wrong one. And you chose abusive and disrespectful language while you were at it." - trashpandac0llective
"That's between the brother and his wife. OP absolutely is YTA, because we don't know how they reconciled or worked to move past it. OP is just a busybody who's decided nothing can ever be fixed and nobody can ever grow or forgive." - ScaryStranger9920
"YTA. I get where you are coming from, but it was a poor choice of words and timing. It caused an unnecessary rift between you and your brother. You could have shared your concerns in private or deflected your SIL's snarky remark."
"Bear in mind that this baby is most probably your brother's baby. Unless you don't care at all about your future relationship with your niece or nephew, I suggest you find a way to make peace with SIL (even if you disapprove of her and her behavior)." - No_Pause_8048
Some agreed and also said that what the OP called her SIL was totally uncalled for.
"YTA for what you ask in the question. There's never a reason for calling someone a wh**e."
"You're not an a**hole for calling your SIL out on her behavior, just for the word used."
"Also, are you certain that sleeping with others is not an agreement they have anyway but just don't want to share with their family?" - Mag-NL
"This is a hard one. I think you were wrong to call her a wh**e, that's not right, but your sentiment was. I think you would have been fine if you had said, 'You are a known cheater.'"
"YTA, but like only one percent YTA. The other 99 percent is NTA." - PhotoGuy8008
"You don't have to like her, but you do have to respect that your brother is willingly in this relationship. For that reason, you should speak to your SIL with respect."
"YTA for calling a woman a wh**e. To be honest, you should not be calling any woman a wh**e. It's an ugly slur." - ScaryButterscotch474
"YTA. It was the wrong time to question your brother. You did do it in private, but going out for lunch with him on another day to talk to him would have been better."
"Also, calling her a wh**e in her home when your brother, the one whose opinion of her matters, has accepted the fact that she has done this, was completely wrong."
"It may not even be cheating if they are in an open relationship that you are not privy to." - ScepticalBee
"YTA for name-calling in public."
"You could have said, 'I spoke to my brother in private about this. There was no reason for you to bring this up in public. I expressed these concerns because you've been found to have cheated on him twice. Is there anything else you don't understand?'"
"Also, your brother is spineless as f**k. To speak to you in confidence and then to immediately crack and go tell his wife, 'I'm asking you about the baby because my sister spoke to me about it,' jeez..." - Newestfield
While the subReddit could completely understand the OP's concerns about her brother's relationship and future child, they also agreed that there was a time and place for this conversation, as well as an acceptable way for this conversation to go.
Bringing up her concerns did not make her an AH, but effectively ruining the mood of the party over something that might not even be true would, not to mention her choice of names for her sister-in-law, which was totally uncalled for.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp