As much as we would like all relationships to be happy and healthy, there are some with questionable markers in them, like past occurrences of infidelity.
Those relationship characteristics can make it really hard to like a loved one’s partner and to be civil around them, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, but we have to try our best for the sake of our relationship with our loved one.
Redditor Specific-Hotel-4491 cared about her younger brother and was worried when he stayed in a marriage where he had been repeatedly cheated on.
But when he announced that his wife was expecting their first child, the Original Poster (OP) had immediate concerns about whether or not the child was biologically his or not.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for calling my SIL (Sister-in-Law) a wh**e?”
The OP’s sister-in-law (SIL) had repeatedly cheated on her younger brother.
“I (30 Female) have a younger brother, Mark (27 Male), who has been married to his wife, Kate (27 Female) for three years.”
“Early in their marriage, Mark found out she had cheated on him, and they decided to make it work.”
“Then last year, I walked in on her in bed with a coworker while my brother was away on a job (I was there to pick up the keys to my truck that they’d borrowed). He again decided to make it work.”
The OP was skeptical when Kate and Mark made a big announcement.
“A few days ago, Kate and Mark invited us over for dinner. During the dinner, they made an announcement that Kate was pregnant.”
“I immediately pulled my brother to the side and asked him if he was sure it was his.”
“He said yes.”
This aside later led to a very public argument.
“The night went on, and he must’ve told her I said something, because she made a scene, saying, ‘I’d just like to know why you hear good news and have to turn it into something negative.'”
“She called me out in front of everyone, so I simply said, ‘Because he’s my baby brother, and you’re a known wh**e.'”
“We started arguing, and she kicked me out.”
“Later that night, my brother texted me, begging to apologize to ‘keep the peace.'”
“I feel like I started the conversation with respect, as I pulled my brother away and didn’t make a scene. She, on the other hand, was vindictive.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No a**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP’s concerns about the pregnancy announcement.
“NTA.”
“Your brother is an AH to himself for staying with her. In my opinion, there’s absolutely no reason to stay with someone who cheated at least twice that you know of.”
“I mean, let’s be real… If she got caught cheating twice, I’m 100% sure she’s done it at least a few more times where she didn’t get caught.”
“Your brother deserves better and it’s too bad he doesn’t see it. If that were my family, she would have been banned from everyone’s house. No one in my family is going to sit idly by while someone we love allows a person to treat them that way.” – SigSauerPower320
“NTA. You said the truth. Your brother should open his eyes. She’ll cheat again and again; that baby might not be even your brother’s.” – oliveoil02
“It reminds me of a scene in a movie or television show, I think it was ‘Narcos.’ Someone tells a story about his dad. The dad owned a store and one of the workers had worked there so long, she became an honorary aunt to the children.”
“The father caught her stealing, she cried and said she needed the extra money to buy medicine for her child. But he fired her. Why? Because she’d probably done it before. This was just the first time he’d caught her.”
“Or in the OP’s brother’s case, this was the second time he’d caught her cheating…”
“NTA.” – AnEpicCoach
“NTA… you voiced a concern in private, and she made it public.”
“At most, you could have done so a little more eloquently; for instance, you could have said, ‘You haven’t been completely faithful in this relationship, have you? So if I question your baby’s paternity, that’s your fault, not mine, and not my brother’s,’ rather than calling her that word. But still NTA.” – skybound128
“NTA. She has a history of cheating, so the parentage of the child should definitely be questioned.”
“She knows there’s only so much luck she can have, and if this baby turns out not to be your brother’s, it will be more difficult to trick him into staying.”
“If she’s truly sorry, she would be understanding and trying to do whatever she can to gain that trust back. Her being defensive just makes me think she’s cheating again.” – Proud-Complex-5267
But others felt the conversation could have waited until a later date.
“YTA. Your brother knows what she’s done and has accepted it. He clearly must know there is a probability above 0% that he might not be the father.”
“Despite this, they chose to make a public announcement.”
“You should have just accepted it at face value and been happy for them.” – Elder_Priceless
“YTA. Why you have to immediately start s**t? Your concern is totally understandable, but it’s not urgent. Talk to your brother on the phone the next day. Why start drama at a group gathering?”
“Even if he doesn’t say anything to his wife, why upset him in this moment? She was obviously being a huge turd, but you don’t need to resort to incendiary name calling.” – AlexHurts
“Oh yeah, you privately, immediately interrupted the good news because your feelings could not wait. Whether you like it or not, you did start what happened that night.”
“Then when she dares say something, you just immediately go into name-calling.”
“I get it, you love your brother, and you’re just looking out for him. I mean, sure, he’s calling and asking you to get involved in his relationship now that you’ve inserted yourself, but you’re done.”
“You’ve done your good deed. You can feel justified in your actions because you feel you did the right thing and after all, this night was supposed to be about you.”
“YTA.” – Medictations
“The conversation couldn’t have waited?! I mean, the kid ain’t coming for seven more months, but she had to pull him aside IMMEDIATELY to talk about it? It couldn’t have been a phone call later or a chat the next day? It had to be RIGHT NOW? I think timing alone makes YTA.” – MrMykeHoncho
“YTA for calling her that and for making that the first thing you said to your brother. Right when he tells you the news, which is good news to him, is not the time to be like, ‘But… are you sure, though?'”
“Your brother’s not a dummy. He knows his wife has cheated on him. Maybe they talked about it and he decided he wanted to raise this kid as his own without making it a question of paternity.”
“Time and a place, man. You chose the wrong one. And you chose abusive and disrespectful language while you were at it.” – trashpandac0llective
“That’s between the brother and his wife. OP absolutely is YTA, because we don’t know how they reconciled or worked to move past it. OP is just a busybody who’s decided nothing can ever be fixed and nobody can ever grow or forgive.” – ScaryStranger9920
“YTA. I get where you are coming from, but it was a poor choice of words and timing. It caused an unnecessary rift between you and your brother. You could have shared your concerns in private or deflected your SIL’s snarky remark.”
“Bear in mind that this baby is most probably your brother’s baby. Unless you don’t care at all about your future relationship with your niece or nephew, I suggest you find a way to make peace with SIL (even if you disapprove of her and her behavior).” – No_Pause_8048
Some agreed and also said that what the OP called her SIL was totally uncalled for.
“YTA for what you ask in the question. There’s never a reason for calling someone a wh**e.”
“You’re not an a**hole for calling your SIL out on her behavior, just for the word used.”
“Also, are you certain that sleeping with others is not an agreement they have anyway but just don’t want to share with their family?” – Mag-NL
“This is a hard one. I think you were wrong to call her a wh**e, that’s not right, but your sentiment was. I think you would have been fine if you had said, ‘You are a known cheater.'”
“YTA, but like only one percent YTA. The other 99 percent is NTA.” – PhotoGuy8008
“You don’t have to like her, but you do have to respect that your brother is willingly in this relationship. For that reason, you should speak to your SIL with respect.”
“YTA for calling a woman a wh**e. To be honest, you should not be calling any woman a wh**e. It’s an ugly slur.” – ScaryButterscotch474
“YTA. It was the wrong time to question your brother. You did do it in private, but going out for lunch with him on another day to talk to him would have been better.”
“Also, calling her a wh**e in her home when your brother, the one whose opinion of her matters, has accepted the fact that she has done this, was completely wrong.”
“It may not even be cheating if they are in an open relationship that you are not privy to.” – ScepticalBee
“YTA for name-calling in public.”
“You could have said, ‘I spoke to my brother in private about this. There was no reason for you to bring this up in public. I expressed these concerns because you’ve been found to have cheated on him twice. Is there anything else you don’t understand?'”
“Also, your brother is spineless as f**k. To speak to you in confidence and then to immediately crack and go tell his wife, ‘I’m asking you about the baby because my sister spoke to me about it,’ jeez…” – Newestfield
While the subReddit could completely understand the OP’s concerns about her brother’s relationship and future child, they also agreed that there was a time and place for this conversation, as well as an acceptable way for this conversation to go.
Bringing up her concerns did not make her an AH, but effectively ruining the mood of the party over something that might not even be true would, not to mention her choice of names for her sister-in-law, which was totally uncalled for.