Why is it that weddings bring out the worst in, well, everyone?
Redditor Critical_Trick_816 is a professional photographer and shoots a lot of weddings on the side.
The Original Poster's (OP's) brother is getting married and naturally wanted their sibling to take the photos.
But the OP threw in one catch.
They want to be paid.
This caused a bit of drama between the siblings, leading the OP to subReddit, "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for buying my brother a present off his wedding registry rather than helping at the wedding."
They went on to explain.
"I'm a photographer. Mostly I do industrial photography. If you have ever seen a brochure for a company, you understand the kind of work I do."
"I have taken more pictures of warehouses, bulldozers, building sites, and work crews than you can imagine."
"I also do wedding photos on the side. Whenever my friends and family ask me to do their pictures, I offer to do them at a steep discount. So far, everyone has taken me up on it."
"Let's just say that there is no way they would pay less than three times what I offer to do the wedding for if they went with another PROFESSIONAL photographer."
"Twice, it was sort of an issue. They objected to me wanting to be paid. One came back and apologized when they shopped around and saw what the real price was."
"The other chose to get her neighbor's son "who is really good with his camera," to do the pictures."
"I brought my camera but not all my equipment to that wedding and enjoyed taking pictures as a guest."
"I ended up giving them an album of my pictures for their first anniversary, and they were insanely thankful. They never said anything to me because they were embarrassed, but the kid f*cked up."
"So now the story. My brother asked me to take pictures at his wedding."
"I said sure and quoted him a price. He said that I should just do it as a wedding gift. I said the price was my wedding gift. He said that his fiancee also expected me to get them a gift off the registry."
"I said no. I said I would be more than happy to attend as a guest and got on my phone in front of him and got a gift off their registry."
"I said since I had now purchased a gift, I would not be taking pictures. I will probably still bring my camera because I like taking pictures."
"He said I'm being an a**hole and cheap since it doesn't cost me anything to take pictures, and I shouldn't try and make money off him."
"I told him that I needed my bathroom remodel done, and I wanted done at the cost of materials since he is a contractor and it will cost him nothing in labor if he does all the work himself."
"Our parents are staying out of it because they know I have always been paid for taking pictures. Only my brother and the bride's side of the family think I'm in the wrong."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"So OP, is your brother gonna do your bathroom for you on those terms?"
"(I kid....of course he isn't)" - ncgrits01
"NTA"
"Why would you need to get them a gift and gift them the wedding photos? Your brother sounds demanding."
"I would probably skip the games and not even bring the camera for the wedding." - Crazy_Past6259
"NTA. I think that's a fair trade. You do photos for free, and he does remodeling for free." - meep221b
"My husband's in heating and cooling. Recently made that trade with a friend who owns a landscaping business."
"He redid her HVAC system since the default construction company for the subdivision completely screwed everything up, even the ventilation."
"Her company added external drains and landscaping to our place."
"Now he keeps getting calls from other people in the subdivision who want him to check out their houses, and we keep recommending her when people bring up our yard."
"Still paid material, and they both get free advertising."
"Brother should have accepted the deal. It's a pretty good one." - Normal_Stranger5476
"NTA"
"For some reason, the idea of "this job is literally my livelihood" goes over peoples' heads when it's their friends and family."
"'But it's just taking pictures!' Doesn't matter. It's your full-time job. Not to mention the steps such as editing that they conveniently seem to forget about."
"'But you love your job!' Doesn't matter. Still a job, still need to be paid."
"I'm a behavioral therapist. Should I give my clients free sessions because I love my job, and you could sum it up to me talking with kids?"
"Nope. Still a job, even if I love it and no matter how simply you view the work. (It's not simple, therapy or photography; people just like to be willfully ignorant.)" - monstrance-cock
"NTA"
"Smart thing to charge. Otherwise, folks will take your effort for granted. As for making an exception for siblings, that depends entirely on the relationship."
"I'm assuming you brothers aren't very close and that he wouldn't go out of his way to make your day special."
"But the fiancee expecting a registry gift on top is plain greedy." - Sea-Horse1517
"NTA. Your brother and future sister-in-law are a**holes for expecting free professional work just because you are family."
"Let him pay someone else full price or get some kid with an iPhone to take the pictures. I hope you have a great time at the wedding." - International_Set522
"NTA."
"Family and friends demanding free services from people who have their own businesses are so wild to me."
"Even wilder that he called you "cheap" when he is the one trying to get hours and hours of free labor from you when you already offered it at a steep discount from your standard rates." - DeviantAvocado
"What an excellent personal analogy! Well articulated, pointed, not rude."
"I love when that happens."
"NTA obviously." - PracticalPrimrose
"NTA. Your lament sounds like so many when a family member has a profession related to weddings. Baker, stylists, clothes makers, etc are always expected to donate their time and talent."
"You bought them a gift like any other guest. Stop discussing it and enjoy yourself."
"I have similar experiences when touring internationally."
"I bring a ton of heavy bulky equipment, and everyone else brings their cell phones. They all give me their email addresses and what's app link so I can send them the best photos." - feminist1946
"NTA"
"I don't know what it is about photographers, but people often seem to think that you owe them your labor for free.
"And as you point out, these people don't have the same expectations of a plumber or electrician. Presumably, at some level, they don't think of being a photographer as actual work."
"Your work has value. You offered them a steep discount on your normal rates as a gift. They chose not to accept."
"Personally, I wouldn't hire my sister to work my wedding. I'd want her to be present as a guest, and celebrating as a guest, and being in the photos, and not behind the camera."
"Although I'd certainly be asking my photographer sister for recommendations."
"But your brother clearly doesn't value your work at all." - _mmiggs_
"NTA, and as a hairstylist who is always expected to offer to do hair for every female in the wedding for free, I so understand, and I respect and admire your level of petty!"
"Well played, sir! Well played." - workdistraction4me
"NTA he wants you to work for free and fiancée "expected" you to buy a gift off the registry. You're better than me. I would have laughed in his face and walked out."
"What entitled and greedy people. People love to pretend that photographers don't put in hours of real work during and after an event." - Cookies_2
"You were nice to buy this entitled moron anything at all quite frankly. NTA, props for not letting people take advantage of you."
"The number of people who still think photography is simply low-effort camera holding is staggering." - MutantsAtTableNine
"NTA. I'm always amazed when family act as if they are entitled to professional services for free. You're providing a family discount. That is more than enough of a wedding gift."
"But takes the cake in this case is that they wanted a gift from the registry in addition to free services."
"So, to summarize: you get to work for free rather than to enjoy the ceremony and the party, as well as to give a gift as the price of admission. Explain to me: why are you going?" - Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA"
"Unless he fixes everyone's house for free, why on earth should you do your professional job for free?"
"People have no idea how many hours and how much skill is needed for post-processing. They just think you spent an hour or so taking the photos."
"They would probably underestimate the cost of the equipment by many magnitudes and if they knew wouldn't understand why you need more than one lens." - OneMinuteSewing
Looking forward to that free bathroom renovation update 👀.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.