Friendships shift as we age.
Relationships in adulthood change quickly as some people get partnered, buy homes, and have children, while others do not.
Redditor ImSoSorryCharlie is friends with a couple who have a child, and recently she experienced new challenges in her relationship with her couple friends.
A dinner party gone wrong recently prompted the Original Poster (OP) to turn to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
She asked,
"AITA for not making a second meal for a child?"
The OP went on to tell her tale.
"I [30-year-old Female] am friends with a couple, Mike and Sandra [35-year-old Male and 38-year-old Female], and invited them and their child Charlie [9-year-old Female] over for dinner."
"Before they came over, I texted them to find out if any of them had any food sensitivities, allergies, needs, etc."
"The wife said there was nothing I needed to worry about."
"I decided on something a bit kid friendly while still feeling like I was cooking for adults, so I settled on chicken parm with some chocolate cake for dessert."
"I figured it's like chicken nuggets mixed with pizza, which kids would like."
"It turned out really well for someone who's just started cooking like me."
"My friends were telling me that it was good, and maybe they were just being polite, but they ate everything."
"Charlie poked at her meal the entire time we were eating, and I'm not sure she ate any of it."
"After we were done, I brought out the chocolate cake. Charlie ate a tiny bite and immediately started bawling."
The evening's mood immediately shifted.
"Sandra asked her what was wrong, and she cried that she didn't like chocolate. Sandra continued to comfort her daughter while Mike and I awkwardly ate dessert."
"A couple of minutes pass, and I notice Sandra is glaring at me. I hesitantly asked her if I could help her with Charlie."
"I'm not good with kids, which she knows, but I wasn't sure what else to do."
"She huffed and asked, 'Is there anything you'd like to say to Charlie?'"
"It took me a second to realize that she wanted an apology for her kid not eating my food."
"I thought it might help cheer Charlie up at least, so I said I was sorry that she didn't like my food."
"Charlie started crying harder, and her mom asked me if I had anything she would like instead."
"I drew the line there. I told her that I wasn't going to cook anything else and that if I didn't like what my mom made me as a kid, I went to bed hungry."
"Mike is just silently eating his cake while Sandra tried to convince me to make something else from [sic] for Charlie to eat."
"I stood up from the table and asked Mike if he would like me to wrap up his cake for him to take home because the rest of his family was apparently not having a good time."
"I suggested that Sandra could go home and make something for Charlie to eat."
"Sandra scoffed at me and said something about how I was cooking tonight, and she thought she could have taken the night off."
"I knew I was about to say something I really regretted, so I slammed my plate on the table and told her to get out. Mike seemed genuinely embarrassed as they left."
"I haven't spoken to any of them since and now I'm thinking I overreacted by kicking them out of my house."
"So, AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA she was out of line. If she has a picky kid, she should pack snacks or food for her."
"Crying over chocolate cake. Ridiculous."
"You did nothing wrong. Mom was wrong. The kid is not your responsibility, and catering to her food issues isn't your job." - herdingcats2020
"NTA."
"Sandra is so out of line, and she doesn't see 'the line.'"
"If the child is known to be a picky eater, which we don't know but can only assume that to be the case, then it's Sandra and Mike's priority to make preparations for that."
"Not the person that is hosting you, especially after OP asked! This is absurd, and Sandra sounds entitled. Golly!" - mmslly
"Yet another example of a parent trying to change the world for their child instead of teaching their child to live in the world."
"NTA" - panteragstk
"What kind of kid cries over chocolate cake? NTA, your friend Sandra is the a*" - socialworkerxoxo
"NTA"
"Sandra set you up."
"If her kid's a picky eater (please only cook her white things sprinkled lightly with oregano you buy at 6 a.m. at the farmers market smothered in organic catsup you import from France type picky), she needed to tell you."
"Then she needed to bring the white stuff & oregano & heat it up herself."
"Or she needed to quickly apologize TO YOU & ask if it would be OK if she nipped into the kitchen and hard-boiled her kid an egg or made her a PBJ."
"But what she didn't get to do is manipulate you to apologize. For what? Because her kid's a picky eater, and she set you up, and she's a truly dreadful mother and a worse guest?"
"P.S. Next time, do try to hold it together."
"As in 'Gosh, since little Charlie doesn't like anything I've cooked and chocolate cake is so upsetting to her, and I don't have a single other thing to offer, you probably want to race right out the door & rush home instantly so you can fix her something. I'll get your coat.'" - Nester1953
"NTA, her kid, her problem."
"She didn't make any comment on the food for her kid when you asked, and you don't go to someone else's invite and demand other food!"
"Also, 9 is old enough to talk, not cry at everything. Both of them need to apologize to you." - Individual_Brush_116
"NTA. The entitlement of Sandra is astounding."
"She didn't parent her child correctly and expect others to cater to her entitled child. The dinner you made sounds great." - Pandasrthebest
"NTA - the amount of disrespect they brought to your table is astonishing. You were wrong to apologize."
"poor innocent kid, life will be difficult for her if she cries in front of chocolate cake. Not kid fault but bad parenting."
"anyhow, I would never apologize for that. 'dear kiddo, not always we get things our way, please try to eat if you are hungry or wait to get home to have what you want. You cannot argue a gift, when you pay you can set conditions'" - neekthefreak
"NTA.
"'is there anything you'd like to say to Charlie?'"
"Did you forget to mention that you're 4 and Sandra's your preschool teacher?"
"Because godd*mn that is some condescending sh*t to say to a person in their own home, especially after they just cooked you dinner." - Paradox31426
"NTA, if that crazy asked me if I'd like to say anything to Charlie, I'd of said. 'Charlie, go pack up your toys and put on your shoes. It's time it go.'"
"No f*cking way I'm bowing down to a 4-year-olds tantrum."
"Edit: misread age. a 9 yo, no freaking way. What kind of parenting are these people doing by appeasing that behavior." - AllThoseRedFlags
"NTA - you asked if there were any dietary restrictions or needs and were very thoughtful to make things you thought would be appealing to a child."
"Expecting you to go whip up something else is entitled and extremely rude."
"The fact that a 9-year-old cried about not liking chocolate cake is also bizarre for me."
"Being able to politely say "no thank you" sounds like a lesson Charlie probably missed because her mom was too busy making her new meals."
"PS kudos on doing all this while you're still new to cooking! It sounded delicious!" - whateverworks1470
The OP went on to add some clarification for Reddit.
"This happened about 3 days ago, and I'm going to reach out to Mike today when it's not 4 AM. Thanks for the perspective, everyone!"
"Thank you to everyone for sharing all these new perspectives on this situation. I truly appreciate them all (except the guy who told me just not to act angry next time)."
"I reached out to Mike today to apologize for kicking them out. Mike apologized for everything."
"He said that Sandra's mother had been admitted to the hospital that day, so understandably, nobody was really on their best behavior."
"He said they drove straight from the hospital to my house."
"He said he would have said something about it, but Sandra had asked him not to mention it then so she could focus on dinner, which is totally fair."
"Charlie isn't normally a picky eater or spoiled or autistic or anything. She was just upset about grandma. Why she latched onto saying she didn't like chocolate is really anyone's guess."
"Sandra's mom is doing better now, and while the family didn't behave at their best, I've got no hard feelings about dinner anymore."
"Maybe they're lying, maybe not, but I'm willing to give the friendship one more chance, though I probably won't cook for them again."
We do hope all is well with Sandra's mom, and while it doesn't excuse her behavior, it certainly helps swallow the bad attitude, if not the chocolate cake.
Sounds like a missed opportunity for a lesson in being a gracious guest.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp