Grandparents can be the best form of help when a newborn arrives.
But that doesn’t always mean the help needs to stay 24/7.
Also, with the arrival of family comes a lot of emotional bagged.
Childbirth is an already an emotionally charged experience.
So all of this may be too overwhelming for a parent who has just been through labor and delivery.
Case in point…
Redditor ThrowRA29573758 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for getting upset I can’t visit when my grandchild is born?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I am in my late 50s (F[emale]) and have two kids.”
“My oldest daughter is going to give birth to her second child next month.”
“Their father and I divorced about 18 years ago.”
“I was a super young bride and did my best to raise my kids but my husband was 12 years older than me and was an alcoholic.”
“Eventually, I had to go live my own life.”
“I ended up moving to Sedona and getting into the spiritual community (we lived in N[ew] Y[ork]).”
“My daughter was 20 and my son was 17 when I left – they were both off to college.”
“I try to visit twice a year and spend time with my kids and grandson.”
“I’m of a lower income bracket so I usually stay with my daughter.”
“I was hoping to stay for the month next month, but my daughter told me that she strictly doesn’t want me coming for the birth of her second child.”
“She said I abandoned them and that I don’t just get to show up for the good moments.”
“She told me I can come in January if I want but I’ll need to get a hotel room.”
“I’m a little hurt because I really try to be helpful when I visit.”
“I clean, I cook, and I babysit so she and her husband can go out.”
“I know I live far away, but I’m not the first mother to not live in the same state.”
“I make sure to visit at least twice a year and save up a significant amount to do it.”
“I did get a bit upset on the phone and told her I wish she’d told me she was holding resentments earlier.”
“She told me that she didn’t have a home to stay in during college break because I just disappeared.”
“We hung up angrily.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the a**hole.
“I’m sorry to say but you are experiencing the consequences of your actions.”
“You are the one who moved away.”
“I can tell you honestly that even if a mother and daughter have a really solid relationship, it would be unreasonable to expect to be able to stay for a full month immediately after the birth of a grandchild.”
“It’s just too much, even for the best relationships.”
“There clearly are unresolved issues and it’s important to respect your daughter’s wishes if you want to try and start repairing your relationship.”
“I’d plan to visit near the time of birth (provided they are allowing visitors, ETA, or when your daughter has asked you to come, i.e. January) and stay nearby but only for a few days.”
“You can try and visit again when you are able to.”
“Gentle YTA – I know it hurts but you can build your relationship back and there can be healing if you put in the work.” ~ IamIrene
“I wouldn’t suggest going near the time of the birth, mum-to-be has been clear Mum is welcome to come in January provided she gets her own place to stay so I wouldn’t try and push things.” ~ chonk_fox89
“I definitely agree with this.”
“Only come in January and get a hotel without questioning it or getting angry.”
“She set her boundaries and OP needs to respect them if she wants to reconcile.” ~ Empress-Palpetine
“No. It’s okay for OP and daughter to be angry.”
“It is not okay to put skewed feelings on another, thought.”
“Maybe do some self-assessment as to why this makes you angry/reactionary.”
“The daughter is being the host for this moment.”
“Just giving birth puts her in a particularly vulnerable position too.”
“Arguing will not make your possible visit something to look forward to, for her.”
“Plus it’s her house.” ~ motherlymetal
“My husband’s mom did this exact thing.”
“The moment he was 18 and off to college, she sold their house and moved to another state.”
“All of his belongings, his baby stuff, boxes, and memories were dumped on him before she left.”
“He 100% felt abandoned.”
“He wasn’t at all ready to take on his entire life of belongings and start college without any support.”
“He ended up moving around a lot and had to beg friends to hang onto his stuff and some then got lost or misplaced.”
“It really sucked.”
“Just because they are off to college, doesn’t mean they are growing up.”
“If I didn’t have a home to go back to during those years, I’d feel abandoned too.” ~ food_of_doom
“The daughter already gave OP a time to visit in the month after the birth.”
“The daughter also changed from hosting her mom to a hotel, which makes me doubt OP is as ‘helpful’ as she thinks.”
“Scheduling any visit outside those parameters is going to irritate the daughter, especially with a new baby.”
“No coming and staying around the time of the birth after being told no.”
“Follow the daughter’s lead.” ~ Shibaspots
“My mom stayed for 3 weeks when my son was born and… Yikes.”
“Meant well, but I really wish I’d have had her come later.”
“It was more work to host her than it was helpful.”
“Sure, she held my son for me, but as a newborn, he really didn’t need much because he was still a sleepy potato.”
“A three-week visit would’ve helped so much more for her visit when he was 6 months old.”
“She’s also super irritating and judgy, so that doesn’t make it any better.” ~ LissR89
“My YTA isn’t so gentle.”
“OP moved so far away from her children to support her spirituality when one of them was still a teenager and the other barely an adult.”
“She talks about how she’s not the first mother to live in another state, but I think that’s downplaying the over 3500kms she moved.”
“Leaving her ex seems like a good idea, but that doesn’t mean she has to move all the way to the other side of the country, or that she had to move that far away when her kids were still young.”
“That was a choice she made, and pretending like it wasn’t a big deal probably isn’t helping her case.” ~ haleorshine
“And for someone in a ‘lower income bracket,’ she chose a hella expensive place to live.”
“Like, Sedona has a turquoise McDonald’s because the only way they would allow the restaurant as if it didn’t mess up their ‘vibe.'” (Read: tourist-appealing cour schème.)
“Also YTA.” ~ the_siren_song
“OP did not move away from her children, she straight up abandoned them with their alcoholic father and left them to fend for themselves.”
“As a mom of a senior getting ready to graduate, the kid still needs both parents.”
“OP is lucky to have contact with the grandkids.” ~ Rough-Month7054
“To be honest, the thought of hosting someone for a month would give me incredible anxiety, even if I hadn’t just given birth.”
“Add dealing with healing after childbirth and tending to a newborn to the mix and I guarantee you it’s not happening.”
“Regarding the hurt your daughter brought up… it sounds like you have stayed with her in the past and that this felt somewhat out of the blue.”
“So, while not wanting to invalidate her feelings, I wonder if pregnancy hormones brought back up the hurt she felt when you left?”
“Like, my pregnancy hormones had me going through mental files of experiences I hadn’t thought of since they’d happened.”
“But it was like my subconscious was working to identify potential threats and hurts for my unborn children… anyway, just a thought, in case you were bewildered by this.”
“I’m going to go with a gentle YTA for expecting to stay for a month.”
“I realize it comes from a good place, but that’s a lot.” ~ SunshineShoulders87
“YTA. When your adult daughter voices resentment over past pain you’ve caused, immediately criticizing her for not speaking up sooner is a tone-deaf response.”
“How hard do you think it was to finally speak up for herself?”
“Of course, it’s hard to hear.”
“But criticism in such a vulnerable moment tells her she’s not heard, and minimizes her feelings.”
“The way you’ve recounted it here shows no effort to consider this from her P[oint] O[f] V[iew]; you sound like someone excusing yourself.”
“Second, no one wants a houseguest for a month.”
“That’s just too long in someone else’s space/life with the (possible) exception of long-distance romances.”
“And even more so after a new baby. In that case, even a weeklong visit is a lot.”
“Bottom line, you owe her an apology.”
“And a good, healthy listen.”
“Because you want to be a parent who knows your kid’s heart, who she can be honest with, right?” ~ Jayseek4
“YTA. It is unreasonable and unfair to expect a woman who just gave birth to host you in her home for a month.”
“You decided to leave your daughter – now you get to deal with the consequences.”
“You made a choice and now she’s making hers.” ~ myshellly
“YTA. Wave away all the backstory.”
“You want to go stay with your daughter for a month during the birth of her child. She said no.”
“The end. It’s her choice.” ~ Shibaspots
Well OP, Reddit understands your daughter’s choices.
While your intentions may be good, this situation isn’t about your feelings.
You may need to give your daughter space to process her feelings.
There is a lot going on for her. Try to stay positive and the support her in the ways she needs.
Good luck.