Choosing a baby name can be a difficult process.
Parents want to pick the perfect name.
But parents aren't always on the same page when it comes to this decision.
What is meant to be a joyous part of pregnancy can turn into a brawl.
Redditor evernotme wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I didn't agree to naming my son after my husband's father?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Currently pregnant with my husband and I's 2nd baby."
"Baby #1 is a girl."
"Before finding out the gender my husband got upset that I didn't want to name our potential son after his dad who passed away 7 years ago."
"I didn't completely disregard the name."
"I agreed to have it be his middle name and said we could pick out a first name we both loved but he refused to negotiate and said the point of us having a son would be to name him after his dad."
"I'm just not completely in love with the name."
"We found out baby is a girl and now he shoots down any name I come up with."
The OP was left to wonder:
"If we have a son in the future, would I be an AH if I didn't want to name him what my husband wants?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Using the name as a middle name is a good compromise."
"Flatly refusing to engage in the naming process for your next daughter isn't."
"That's petty AH behavior."
"And the 'point of' having a son wouldn't be for your husband to name him after his father."
"What sort of reasoning is that??" ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"Unfortunately for you and your daughters, you just learned his true feelings for wanting children."
"He's the type of AH who thinks having a boy is more important and he's a narcissist." ~ Particular_Ring_6321
"It's his immature mind's future bargaining chip."
"My ex did the exact same thing. If he refuses to participate and you pick your daughter's name all by yourself, then later when you have a son... he gets to do the same."
"Do you see now how he's trying to manipulate you?"
"Don't let him get away with it."
"Is there a female version of Dad's name?"
"Suggest that you use it as a middle name and get his reaction."
"If he agrees, he can never hold it against you 😉." ~ Ok_Cherry_4585
"I feel like he may have been a bit sneaky here."
"He kept saying whatever you want is fine with child..."
"1- so that he could later say well you got to solely name baby..."
"2 - So I should be able to solely name baby 2/baby boy."
"NTA, OP. You're being very reasonable, hubby is acting up." ~ Economy-Cod310
"Names of children are 2 yeses, or it's removed from the list of options."
"The middle name is a reasonable compromise. NTA."
"My son is named after my uncle and grandad, so I get how names can be important in family connections."
"When we were thinking of names we had options where my son's first name was his middle name instead (we had 3 possible names in different combinations) and we picked the one that fit after we met him."
"My ex-husband was meh on the name until then." ~ dragonetta123
"OP, I feel for you."
"I was pregnant with my son when my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] passed, and the entire family approached me at the funeral about how I should honor his passing by naming the first male child of the eldest son his grandfather's name."
"It was overwhelming."
"I held my ground and agreed to a middle name."
"No regrets. Good luck." ~ orangeonesum
"NTA - names of children should be a 2 yes/1 no situation."
"Him shooting down every name you suggest for a girl is him acting like a spoiled brat who didn't get their way." ~ toosheeptheorist
"He's upset that you didn't bow to his wishes when it came to the hypothetical boy's name and is trying to get you upset so he can turn the tables down the road."
"I might be reading more into this, but it's basically because he didn't get his way."
"Like I said, he's acting like a toddler/spoiled brat." ~ toosheeptheorist
"He seems to lack the maturity to have ONE kid, and you think you might have more than the two you'd already have?!?"
"ESH and your issues are only going to get bigger."
"I'm guessing the kids will have your husband's last name, or were you even allowed to keep your maiden name?"
"His family name is already getting passed down."
"Pulling the silent treatment on your pregnant wife, over names for a potential male child, is a massive red flag!"
"Was he pissed when he found out you were having another girl?" ~ pnwwaterfallwoman
"NTA. It almost feels like your husband is pouting because the baby wasn't a boy."
"I feel like maybe he's using the refusal to engage with you on girl names as a cover for gender disappointment."
"That's a much bigger issue than even the names."
"It means that should you decide to procreate with this man in the future (given his current behavior, I'd rethink that), and should you happen to bear a son, not only will you still be fighting with him over the name, but there's a very good chance he will treat your son better than your daughter."
"Think very carefully about whether this is a man that deserves a child having his last name, or even having you as his wife."
"I am betting this is not the first time he's been petty and childish about something."
"Regardless of what you decide to do about the marriage and the last name issue, he can either engage with you and work together to choose a name that you both agree on, or he can wait to meet the child you named until after you've given birth with a supportive labor partner and the birth certificate is filled out."
"Either way, I'd suggest marriage counseling to get a lot of clarity on some of these issues."
"Somehow, I think he'll refuse that too." ~ NorthernLitUp
"NTA. What is he going to do if the next one is a girl too?"
"Insist you keep knocking out babies til he manages to create a boy?"
"He does realize HE decides the gender, right?"
"What if you decide you don't want any more after this experience?"
"Is he going to force you?"
"Or is he going to dump you and your girls and go find a new wife to get his 'Dad?'"
"He needs therapy to process his grief and understand that naming a son doesn't bring his dad back."
"That boy would be under so much pressure to 'live up to' that name."
"And Pauline or Paulette could be a lovely middle name for a girl, depending on the first name, or heck, if you like it, a first name." ~ Swiss_Miss_77
"NTA. I hate legacy names, let the child be their own person."
"By the way I'm named after ALL my grandparents and I absolutely hate my middle name but loved my two grandparents who shared that name."
"When I remember them I never think of their names though." ~ Useful_Context_2602
"Sounds like he's emotionally immature."
"He's had this fantasy about what his son will be named and likely, what his son will be like."
"This fantasy is very egocentric for him."
"When thwarted, this becomes an ego threat and these typically result in anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal."
"He needs to address this or he will make relationships with you and his kids very difficult." ~ bethan2406
"I think NTA."
"You agreed to the middle name."
"But honestly, is it like a terrible name?"
"Because if not I suggest you tell him you get to name any girl you have, and he gets to name boys."
"My parents had that agreement so they didn't fight on names at all (except each was allowed 3 vetoes)." ~ Alarming_Energy_3059
"NTA. You are going to have huge problems on your hands if you don't figure out how to get this man into therapy to deal with the death of his father."
"I would honestly put my foot down completely about this because it sounds like your husband is going to have a whole lot of unnecessary high expectations for Father Junior."
"I'd also keep an eye out for favoritism."
"Once he's got his father-son-boy please make sure he's not awful to your daughter." ~ MsMarkarth
"NTA. You're BOTH having a kid."
"Like many other things, this is a decision you both have to agree with."
"I can understand the tradition of naming children after grandparents and such, but you suggested using it as a middle name."
"If he can't accept that it's his problem."
"It is also childish of him to not agree with any other name now." ~ Connloadh
"It's great that he wants to honor his father, but his rigidness is ridiculous."
"Remind him that you are carrying the baby for 9 months and if he refuses to engage about this, he won't be welcome in the delivery room when and if you have a son."
"Because I've seen men go behind their wife's back to get a name on the birth certificate before she can."
"Tell him that his refusal to compromise and need to play hardball makes it so that you don't want to have any more children with him."
"He's acting like he's the only person that matters here when your body is doing all the work."
"I'd absolutely die on this hill and tell him to go to hell."
"Your compromise was more than fair. NTA." ~ intolerablefem
"NTA. I lost both my parents, and my husband lost his dad not long after we first got married."
"When we talked about kids, we agreed that if we named any after family members, it would be a middle name. Why?"
"Because it is a two yes, and a one no situation."
"There is nothing wrong with honoring those who passed, but it has to be something that others like a co-parent don't have issues with."
"I tattooed my parents' names on my back, and my husband framed his dad's prized possessions."
"You both have to be cool with it, or he is going to have to think of something new to honor his dad with."
"Good luck." ~ Gullible_Motor9320
"NTA. I'm pretty sure there are lots of points to having a son besides passing down a name, though."
"You'd think 'enjoying baby' would be further up on his list, lol."
"I understand why the name is so important to him, but now that you know it's a girl, he's chosen to be petty and irrational."
"You don't need his consent to name your baby, by the way."
"He might need to be reminded of that." ~ icedtea4all
"NTA. The middle name suggestion is a great compromise that hubby should strongly consider." ~ Over-Box1733
"NTA... but he sucks."
"The point of you having children is not to pass on the family names lol what the actual hell."
"Pregnancy and birth is a freaking trauma to the body and his approach to things is s**t."
"If you decide to have more children with him he should be happy if the name can be used as a middle name AND THATS IT!!"
"He sucks." ~ NeverSeenAuthBut
"NTA... he's just being petty and it's not a good look." ~ FinnFinnFinnegan"
Editing to clarify some things and answer a few consecutive questions...
"He's never yelled at me so by upset I mean he was argumentative and disappointed (maybe even sad too)."
"He has a younger half-sister (Dad's side) named after Dad ( Pauline) so when I suggested a girl's name form of Paul he didn't want that."
"I have a younger brother named Paul as well."
"He's been good to daughter #1 so yes his reaction threw me off a bit and made me feel like maybe I'm an AH for not naming our potential son after his Dad."
"He seems to be calming a bit so I'm hoping to have a discussion with him today."
"The whole 'the point of having a son' line he gave me did throw me off and I did think it was weird but I think he had a lot of feelings ( as well as I did) he didn't know how to express or put into words.
"He's not Jewish."
"I technically named daughter #1."
"I included him the whole way through name picking all the way until the birth but all he would say was 'I like it if you do' or 'whatever you choose I'm fine with.'"
"I just think he's upset and acting petty right now and I hope he can at least apologize for his behavior so we can move on from here."
"We both wanted at least 3 kids."
"If we're all good after this and in the future baby #3 is possible I don't want another argument to happen."
"If I am an AH for suggesting it as a middle name then so be it."
Reddit is with you OP.
You're already under enough stress with the pregnancy.
There is an easier way to handle this issue without a tantrum.
Hopefully, he does calm down fully and you can have a rational discussion.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp