Infertility and difficulty with bringing a pregnancy to full term is heartbreaking for anyone trying to have children.
When people in their circle conceive without any problems, it can be a touchy subject.
A woman who—with the help of her family—hid her pregnancy from her sister with fertility issues, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PastButterscotch3182 asked:
“AITA for announcing my pregnancy?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28, female) am pregnant with my husband (30, male).
“I have a sister (30, female) who has been trying to get pregnant for the past 5 years. This has resulted in 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth.”
“My sister has been in therapy for the past couple of years.”
“When I found out I was pregnant I made sure not to tell my sister, since she was grieving her stillborn, who has passed around a year ago. I told my parents and husband’s parents and they were overjoyed.”
“Out of respect for my sister, I didn’t have a babyshower or gender reveal or any big ceremony. Just a lunch where I announced the pregnancy to close friends and family and we all agreed to not tell my sister until we felt like she was ready to know.”
“Anyways, I am now 34 weeks pregnant and I haven’t seen my sister in over 6 months. She called me the other day, to tell me she was 3 months pregnant and things had been going well so far.”
“I congratulated her and she invited me to her house for dinner. I discussed this with my parents and husband, and we decided it was time to tell her.”
“I went to her house for dinner this weekend, and when she let me in she freaked out. She asked me if I was pregnant and I said I was.”
“She started sobbing. She was absolutely hysterical. Her husband took her in to calm her down and we decided to leave.”
“She texted me on Monday saying that it was selfish that I was going to have my baby first and my parents would be more focused on me than her. She accused me of being cruel, and getting pregnant just to upset her.”
“She said she would ask our parents to choose between us. This was the last straw for me.”
“This was my first pregnancy and I wanted to do things like a baby shower and all, but I didn’t because I knew it would hurt my sister. I called her a selfish, mean bitch and blocked her.”
“Her husband called me to tell me she was inconsolable because her own sister was trying to upstage her and her baby. Our mom isn’t taking sides, but my dad and husband are on my side.”
“A few of my cousins reached out to me, calling me names, and it made me wonder if I’m in the wrong.”
“So AITA for announcing my pregnancy?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may have been wrong for screaming at my sister.”
“I know she’s emotional and hormonal and maybe I overreacted.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were split in their judgment with some feeling the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“There was nothing she could have done to make an announcement okay for sister. Her reaction would have been extreme in any case imo. Therefore: NTA.” ~ vicioustrollop90
“OP’s sister’s reaction was to accuse OP of upstaging her by getting pregnant first. OP was supposed to put her own life on hold for a pregnancy and birth that might never happen?”
“Instead of being happy that the cousins will be close in age, the sister is angry and inconsolable about not being the center of attention.”
“The sister is unhinged. OP is NTA.” ~ anathema_deviced
“Since parents and husband were in the discussion about telling her and when…OP is NTA for that or anything else here.”
“She has a right to her life…and while sister’s situation isn’t good…some times you need to just put on your big girl panties and deal with the reality as it exists.” ~ Neilio20576
“NTA. First, in my opinion, OP can still choose to have a shower.”
“Second, the fact that her sister had several miscarriages had nothing to do with OP.”
“Third, the fact that OP is 8 months pregnant and tip toed through her pregnancy is extreme and very likely warranted because her sister accused her of stealing the spotlight and that she is mad because her child isn’t going to be the first.”
“Obviously, her sister is unhinged and highly self-centered and goes as far to say she is going to make her parents choose. The woman had 3 or 4 pregnancies.”
“How long is her sister supposed to put her life on hold. Because by the sister’s actions, the world needs to revolve around her wants and needs.”
“Can’t imagine what she would have done if they would have told her when they found out.” ~ AreUkidding_me295
Others decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“The way she told her sister is outrageous and blaming sister for choosing to not have a shower or gender reveal is just absolutely ridiculous.”
“Also, sister isn’t a ‘selfish b*tch’. She’s a grieving woman who tried for years to get pregnant and is hurting because of that. YTA.” ~ concernedreader1982
“Yes, the sister overreacted. That said, OP dropped a BOMB on her sister—she didn’t even say over the phone ‘heeeyyyy when you see me… I look a bit different…’. She just SHOWED UP about to deliver!”
“If anything, the sister should have been the FIRST to know—quietly, on the phone—with the full understanding that the sister may not want to be over-involved.”
“But this‽‽ No. Nope. I can’t even say the sister sucks because while yeah, it’s an overreaction, it’s nothing beyond that.”
“If she reacted this way when OP was 12 weeks and then continued the rest of the pregnancy, like, yeah, sister would be TA. But thanks to the way OP handled this, no. OP, YTA.” ~ beag_ach_dian
“Way to play the victim. YTA. Yes, your sister is grieving a loss, but you showed up to her house 8 months pregnant and about to pop and didn’t even have the decency to tell her.”
“You just totally blindsided her with this. If she hadn’t have called would you wait till your kid was celebrating his 18th birthday to let her know you even had one?”
“How disrespectful is that?”
“You created this problem by not telling her and now you’re trying to play the victim because you didn’t have a shower or a gender reveal when she never even asked you not to. That was your choice.” ~ goddessofspite
But most declared everyone’s decisions and behavior sucked (ESH).
“ESH. My aunt had a SECOND stillbirth when her sister and three of her nieces were pregnant. Three guesses as to how she reacted to the births?”
“If your answer is ‘was completely delighted,’ you’d be correct.”
“I nearly lost an infant at two months. Child loss is worse than stillbirth. She’s still heavily disabled. My BFF has healthy twins the same age. Guess how I reacted to their milestones?”
“If your answer is ‘happily and enthusiastically,’ you’d be correct.”
“My sister had her first after I had a miscarriage. I had my third while she had several miscarriages. I had my fourth while my youngest sister was recovering from a miscarriage and struggling to conceive again.”
“They were still super happy for me, as I was for them.”
“I’ve known multiple people who suffered infertility, child loss, stillbirth, and miscarriages. But they understand that other people get to live their lives and are happy for them. They would NEVER react like this to a sibling expecting their first.”
“On the other hand, I’ve also known someone like OP’s sister. She cursed me out while I was hooked to IVs because I’d ‘stolen’ her chance to have the first boy or girl grandchild. And then acted completely inappropriate when my oldest daughter almost died two months later.”
“Not having kids is never an excuse to be an A-H. The only one making everyone else’s lives about herself is her—classic case of accusing someone else of your own faults.”
“OP was wrong for waiting so long, though. Sister should have been told once OP started showing or at 5 months, whichever came first.”
“They’re both wrong, but the sister is way worse.” ~ Kingsdaughter613
“ESH. You were definitely in the wrong keeping your pregnancy from your sister for 34 weeks! How did you expect her to react, showing up basically ready to give birth?”
“I’d have shouted at you, too, and that’s without the added trauma.”
“Your sister, of course, is also in the wrong for thinking and saying what she did and does. It’s obvious that you aren’t trying to upstage her, not least of all because you got pregnant way before her.”
“But, once again, what did you expect to happen?”
“There were certainly ten different ways you could have handled this situation, and all of them would have been better than what you actually did.” ~ backyardchick
“How do you wait 8 whole months to tell someone, especially our sister, you’re pregnant and expect her to not react terribly?”
“I had a friend who had a super traumatic miscarriage. I didn’t go about telling her well (got too excited and didn’t let her react privately) and it took her awhile to get back on good terms with me.”
“We’ve talked it out and are okay now, but WTF, OP. You should’ve told her much sooner.”
“Keeping it a secret for that long wasn’t fair at all. Tell her through text or a message of some sort and let her reach out when’s she’s ready.”
“Don’t show up with a huge belly and expect a calm/happy reaction. She thought she was alone in her pregnancy and joy.”
“And now she knows that she was the only one left out of the loop. Of course, she’s pissed.”
“I do feel bad that you felt that you couldn’t celebrate during all this time. You’re still allowed to celebrate your own family growing. Announce in a cute way on social media. Have a baby shower.”
“But that doesn’t excuse you being a sh*tty family member and not allowing your sister to react in her own private way. ESH, including your family members that knew about the secret.” ~ Wrong_Door1983
Being sympathetic to her sister’s mental state was a good idea, but hiding a pregnancy for six months was never going to end well.
Hopefully, everyone can resolve their differences before these babies are born.