Many homes have moved beyond the traditional gender roles of yesteryear: the man goes to work and the woman takes care of cooking and cleaning.
In fact, many homes have moved beyond the traditional man-woman partnership entirely.
But not all.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit illustrated just that.
The Original Poster (OP), who used a throwaway account and later deleted it, didn’t hold back in the title.
“AITA for telling my [mother-in-law (MIL)] and mother i’m not here to babysit my husband”
OP began with some backstory.
“I [30-year-old female] have been married to my husband for a year. We are expecting our first child and its a really tricky pregnancy for me.”
“My husband grew up as a mommas boy but throughout our relationship that dynamic changed and he became more independent. His mother always cooked for him, cleaned for him even when he was an adult he was never required or taught how to do house chores.”
“He learnt all that through me.”
OP went on to explain why that change was absolutely necessary.
“I’m working a really hard job since I was 25. I work at a warehouse and I always work overtime because my boss is horrible but that’s another story.”
“My husband is working from home even before the pandemic.”
But not everyone feels that way.
“Now, my MIL and my mom call me a bad wife for not caring for my husband properly. They claim its my job to do the cooking and cleaning.”
“My mom justifies my MIL intervening in our household matters. She says I’m not a proper housewife.”
And one person in particular apparently had an issue with it.
“My husband complained to my mom today that I’m too lazy. That I haven’t cooked a proper meal in a week and I only cook easy quick meals.”
“I’m working a 12 hour job while pregnant and he’s working from home. My job is also a 2hour drive from the house.”
“I’m away 14 hours a day overworking myself while he does nothing to help around the house and the few times he does help he rubs it on my face while calling me lazy and complaining to my mom and his mom.”
Then came an onslaught.
“While I was at work today my MIL called me and complained about how her son has lost weight since he married me and how I’m not feeding him and she’d never let him marry me if she knew how shitty I am as a wife.”
“I told her her son is a grown man who’s fully capable of taking care of himself, also told her to never bother me again while I’m at work and hang up.”
“My mom called me few minutes later to also complain and I told her I’m not my husbands babysitter I’m his wife and if she and MIL want to act like babysitters to him then be my guest.”
OP turned to a friend as a sounding board.
“I was having a chat with my friend from work about that and she told me I’m TA because that’s what I signed up for when I married my husband and I should take responsibility when I’m not doing my wife duties the right way.”
“She said I let online feminists get in my mind and I forgot what a proper wife is like and I’m being an ass by trying to rebel against my husband while also offending my MIL and mom.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors sided with OP completely. They had some choice words for her husband.
“NTA- it’s not the 1950’s and if he’s really ‘starving’ he’s perfectly capable of getting up off his lazy a** and cooking! His behaviour and laziness is quite disgraceful really and I’m sorry that you’re married to somebody and have a family with such misogynistic views” — Child-o
“Nta sis You married a man not a 3 years old You work more and these 2 mommas are poisoning his mind” — assuconu
“NTA Easy solution. Announce that you will become a proper traditional housewife and do all the cooking and cleaning.”
“You will also be quitting your job (that you hate) because providing is 100% your husband’s responsibility as the traditional man.” — Opagea
“NTA But God bless you, you seem to be surrounded by AH.”
“What century were these people born in (I’m probably older than your mother and MIL and I think they’re f*cking reactionary arseholes than need dragging kicking and screaming into the 21st century).”
“As for the husband, well sorry but I think you got yourself a dud there. I don’t understand why, at this time of all times, he’s reverted to type.” — Neither_March4000
Some, however, highlighted OP’s agency in all this.
“NTA. But your friend is right: you did know what you signed up for when you got married: a mamas boys who doesn’t know how to take care of himself and who expects people with vagina to be maid and a chef without complaining.”
“You are going to be a single mother when you are alredy married. That’s sad.” — Organic_Extension750
“I mean, I will say that you knew what kind of man your husband was when you two were just dating. He was irresponsible and always had his mom to take care of him. He was used to this.”
“It’s impossible to believe he will suddenly change. you’re basically going to raise two children. With that being said, it’s absolute BS. He’s a grown a** man, with a child on the way. If he can pay taxes, get a woman pregnant and freely spend money on whatever, he can put his big boy pants on and take care of half the duties around the house.”
“You are overworked and underappreciated. You need to seriously rethink if you want to continue a lifetime of this. NTA” — Crazyhowthatworks304
To those criticisms, OP left a response in an update to the original post.
“hey. Thanks for your feedback. I want to update and also comment on some things I’m seeing.”
“First of all I really don’t appreciate the victim blaming in some comments, people blaming me for getting in an abusive relationship and having a baby. You know it’s not always that simple and easy.”
“My husband worked on himself for the better when we started dating years ago. While we were dating and while we were engaged and lived together he was always helping out. He grew up with the mommas boy mindset but once we became more committed he started changing his mindset and behavior about gender roles and treated me as equal.”
Things had been looking up.
“Even when his mom tried to intervene certain times he’d put her in her place and defend me. His behavior started shifting back to the gender roles mindset slowly after we got married. At first it was more subtle but the signs were there though not as obvious.”
“As time passed I also found out I’m pregnant and it was getting worse and worse. The cherry on top was now that he has been also complaining to my mom about how lazy I am.”
“For many years we were equal and he never displayed that misogynistic mindset since he bettered himself. It only happened after the marriage.”
OP also included a somber note to end the update.
“Secondly, I talked to my sister about it. My twin sister lives in an entirely different continent and had no idea of these things. She was furious when I told her and called our mom to defend me.”
“Then my mom called and said I’m trying to cause a rift between her and my sister because I refuse to take responsibility and accept I screw up as a wife. She said that if I keep screwing up she won’t support me and I’ll end up alone so I better watch my steps.”
“I don’t know how to feel about this and how to react, what I should do. I’m completely alone. The only person who could possibly support me is across the globe.”
Unfortunately, it looks like the only solace around for OP these days is found on the internet.