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Recovering Alcoholic Lashes Out After Learning Boyfriend Has Been Using Vodka In His Cooking

A man sits, a bit sullen, and pours vodka

Living in alcohol recovery is not easy.

That is why recovering alcoholics are always trying to be cognizant of any life traps.

People who are not in recovery often don’t understand the details and small moments that matter most.

This confusion can lead to a lot issues in relationships.

Case in point…

Redditor Fit-Complex-6771 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for refusing to pay for my boyfriend’s vodka after smashing it?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (26 F[emale]) have been with my boyfriend Sean (25 M[ale]) for about a year and a half.”

“It’s been great, but I let him know from the outset that I was a recovering alcoholic.”

“He had no problem with that, and he still drinks with his friends, but won’t do that in my presence.”

“It still bothers me that he drinks, but it’s his life, I can’t tell him what to do.”

“Fast forward to last Sunday, and we’re at his apartment.”

“I come in, and he’s in the middle of making pasta sauce, and there’s a large bottle of vodka on the counter.”

“I didn’t say anything about the bottle, but he saw me staring at it, and he told me it’s for the sauce.”

“Pasta sauce he’s made me at least twice a month for the entirety of our relationship.”

“He said he’s told me from the beginning he does that, that it cooks away.”

“But I think that would be something I would very much remember, and I got a little angry.”

“I knocked the bottle off the counter and went to my mom’s.”

“He’s called and apologized for triggering me, and that he was being brainless.”

“But he wants me to pay for the broken bottle, which he says was about an $80 brand.”

“I told him that I wasn’t under any circumstances going to pay for something he’s been lacing my food with for years.”

“We haven’t really talked since, and my mom wants me to just go ahead and buy the thing to make amends, and I’m still refusing.”

“So AITA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.

“YTA. Adults use their mouths to communicate.”

“‘Hey I’m not comfortable with you cooking with alcohol and having alcohol in my presence at all.'”

“‘I thought you were aware of that and would like to respect my preference.’”

“You went ‘me no likey me go smash smash.'” ~ Ok-Asparagus-4809

“My aunt gave a spiced rum cake last week.”

“It didn’t make me intoxicated, but oh my gosh the entire bottom felt and tasted like it was soaked in rum.”

“I’m not someone in recovery like OP, but I think even the taste/flavor could be triggering to someone who is.”  ~ Wild_Discomfort

“I didn’t smash your vodka! The floor smashed your vodka!”

“YTA.”  ~ PrimalSeptimus

“I love how OP glides right past the fact she destroyed her BF’s property too. ‘I don’t have to replace the thing I broke because you shouldn’t have had it around me!'”

“I’m also in recovery, but who doesn’t recognize a vodka sauce? ‘Spiking her food for years’ is a stretch to me.”

“It gets to a point of wilfull ignorance.”

“Or ‘dipping the pasta in sauce then washing it off, so only the essence of the sauce is left.'”

“If I broke the bottle my friends or family was using I’d replace it immediately, or give them funds to do so if I wasn’t comfortable getting it myself.”

“All with sincere apologies.”

“If someone broke the bottle I was using to cook them a meal, I’d demand an immediate replacement.”

“I’d never push it off the counter like a cat and flounce off. YTA OP.”  ~ Shibaspots

“Yeah. If she understood the chemistry… it’s a psychological thing- the alcohol DOES BURN OFF.”

“You literally can’t get drunk.”

“The ethanol evaporates almost immediately when exposed to heat.”

“She needs to have an honest talk with B[oy]F[riend] or just work to overcome that obstacle.”

“I can’t imagine cooking without alcohol.”

“It’s an excellent meat tenderizer, and can add rich flavor to beef, light citrus notes to fish and poultry and just makes a soul bonding with butter and lemon juice when sautéing vegetables.” ~ FluffNSniff

“Breaking your partner’s possessions can be a precursor to abuse or abuse itself (and yes, that includes pushing it off the counter instead of smashing it).”

“It’s not a healthy way to deal with disagreements.” ~ 0biterdicta

“It often is.”

“Because it’s a sign that you have anger problems, that you externalize your anger instead of internalising it.”

“And that you have no concept of healthy problem solving, or no ability to enact it once your emotions are involved.”

“Smashing your partner’s possessions is a massive indicator of future abuse.”

“Worse still, it’s an indicator that it’s probably not far away – because the abusive partner is already beginning to escalate.”

“Any psychologist would be telling OP’s partner to run right about now.”  ~ lordmwahaha

“YTA. There is no alcohol remaining in the food so he was not ‘lacing your food.'”

“Of course you can ask him not to make that dish in the future if it triggers you.”

“Still, you destroyed someone else’s property and you need to make restitution.”  ~ Minute_Point_949

“I mean… A recovering alcoholic would remember a mention of a vodka dish.”

“Unless the discussion happened when they were still drinking, I don’t think it could’ve slipped past them.”

“Not that the response was reasonable; she needs therapy.”  ~ iamnotstephanie

“No difference in gender for me, making a dish with alcohol in it without disclosing that to a recovering alcoholic is not okay.”

“If my partner was a recovering alcoholic, I would explicitly tell them ‘I make this sauce with vodka, it cooks off but if you’re not comfortable with that please let me know and I’ll make something else.'”

“That conversation clearly did not happen and for that reason he’s in the wrong.”

“She handled it poorly but what he did is a big betrayal of trust.”  ~ childofcraigslist

“If she hadn’t immediately destroyed the bottle, I would have said NTA.”

“I think I would have said NAH if she just got super upset without destroying the bottle and just wasn’t sure if it was an overreaction.”

“Alcoholism is a disease one has to deal with daily.”

“And as an alcoholic, you might not know what your threshold for the start of the slippery slope is yet.”

“I, too, thought the alcohol totally cooked away and he probably did, too.”

“However, if I was dating an alcoholic, I would be on my toes about anything regarding alcohol whatsoever.”

“She probably felt very conflicted about herself and what this meant for her recovery now knowing she’s been ingesting alcohol twice a month.”

“Alcoholics can’t have a sip of alcohol or the days/months/years of being sober starts over.”

“Those chips are a beacon for alcoholics.”

“Yes, OP is the AH for destroying the bottle without a second thought and needs to work on the mental health side of alcoholism and not just the restraint side.”

“She’s also the AH for doubling down on her reaction and thinking it was still right even after the fact.”

“Ultimately, it’s good for one’s SO to be accommodating to their problems, but at the end of the day, one shouldn’t feel entitled to someone else making sure that their problem is kept at bay.”

“It can only be them.”

“She should have apologized immediately and recognized she still had some work to do on the psyche side of the disease.”

“BUT ALL THAT SAID, I do also think the ‘she didn’t even notice’ criticism is downplaying the psychological element of the disease a bit.”  ~ spolite

“YTA. I understand how you feel about it, but breaking the bottle was an inappropriate action.”

“You’ve obviously not been set back in your recovery by consuming a trace amount of alcohol in cooked food.”

“If he really thought this was OK, he wasn’t being malicious.”

“You can set this as a boundary going ahead if you make it through this conflict, but you were out of line to break the bottle.”

“As a general rule, when loved ones upset us, breaking things, punching walls, or otherwise physically venting temper in destructive ways is not a good thing.”  ~ LadyCass79

“It really does read that way.”

“I’m in recovery, and I know plenty of people from support groups and they wouldn’t act the same way as OP.”

“They’d say if they’re uncomfortable with something and not flip out.”

“Some have partners that drink normally and don’t get bothered by it.”

“As for alcohol in food, when I was less than a 18 months sober, I had chocolate that alcohol in them.”

“I didn’t read the box at first until after I tasted the whisky flavor.”

“Did I freak out, throw a fit and throw it out so everyone couldn’t have any?”

“No, I just stopped eating them and called my sponsor.”  ~ RIPMYPOOPCHUTE

OP came back with some info…

“I didn’t smash the bottle, I pushed it off the counter and it broke.”

“I didn’t throw it.”

“Alright, I get it.”

“I’m going to get him $80 worth of stuff to make up for it.”

“But I really don’t appreciate being called violent or abusive.”

“I’ve never hit him once, and I think that’s a pretty rash assumption.”

Well OP, sounds like Reddit isn’t really on your side here.

Glad you have found a compromise in how to pay the money back.

Perhaps some therapy maybe in order.

Good luck.