Personality is as unique as a fingerprint.
Everything from the entertainment we ingest to the family we spend the most time with leave indelible marks on who we are.
So, what happens when someone new is brought into your life and their personality completely conflicts with yours, and you let everyone know it?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) WylinWylan when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my brothers new fiancé she isn’t my kids aunt?”
OP began with a little background.
“I (M31) and my wife (F30) and I have two kids , M5 the other F2.”
“I also have two siblings, an older brother (M35) and a younger (M29).”
“Me and my older brother both have kids.”
“My younger has none, and has bounced from fling to fling.”
“However in 2020 before the pandemic hit he met this girl (F23).”
“We’ll call her Amber. (Fake name).”
“From day 1 he was obsessed with her.”
“They started dating and when we thought we’d only meet her once then never again, she stayed coming round.”
“We were all happy to see my brother get serious about someone, even if they were a bit younger than him.”
Amber did not make a great first impression.
“However as Amber started spending more time around our family, collectively we all noticed certain things she did we didn’t like.”
“For just a couple of examples.”
“She would move something in whoever’s house we were in, and say ‘this looks better like this, so I moved it for you”’.
“Or she would get into peoples stuff and say ‘we’re family now so we can share'”.
“Such as when she used my SIL lotions and makeup without asking.”
“But this was the thing that made us all dislike her.”
“She would constantly talk proudly about how she turned my quote ‘spineless f*ckboy baby brother into a man'”.
“Okay, unnecessary but he was a player before so I get the ‘joke’. But then she added ‘I’ll do what your mom couldn’t and teach him to be a gentleman”’.
“And yes. She really has said that on more than one occasion.”
“We’ve all mentioned these things to my brother but he brushes it off or says ‘I love her dude what can I do'”.
“And welp…. He proposed to her at the beginning of 2022. And no she hasn’t changed her antics since 2020.”
This all led to the problem at hand,
“Anyway. Amber came over with my brother for my wife’s birthday party.”
“Of course my kids were there too.”
“Amber , I’m front of a house full of mine and my wife’s family she says ‘oh it’s my favorite niece and nephew!’ Before picking up my daughter.”
“She added ‘am I your favorite aunty?’ In a baby voice, as if she was saying it to my daughter.”
“I walked over and took my daughter out of her hands and said in a calm but stern tone ‘you’re not their aunt. So please don’t refer to yourself as their aunt'”.
“She seemed taken back and immediately got defensive saying ‘I’m marrying your brother so I will be their aunt by marriage”’.
“I just shrugged and calmly responded that I didn’t care if they got married, she could be Mrs. Amber or Amber but she was not their Aunt.”
“A few people heard and pretended not to, but Amber was upset and left and my brother came in asking what happened.”
“After I told him he said I was an a*s and took off after Amber.”
“My brother called me that night saying I needed to apologize and take back what I said, but I refused to.”
“My kids hardly know/spend time with her, and she’s not very well liked amongst our family.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some felt they needed more information.
“INFO”
“Has anyone told Amber that her behavior is off-putting and makes the family dislike her?”
“It sounds like she sucks but from what you wrote, it sounds like the family has just talked behind her back and she has no clue.”
“I totally understand why you dislike her but humiliating her in front of a bunch of people was not the way.” ~ SwimmingCoyote
“I agree.”
“Some people, especially young ones who may feel awkward or like they don’t fit in, can be shockingly rude without having malicious intentions.”
“It does sound like her behavior is off-the-charts obnoxious, but this doesn’t sound like a family that communicates well.”
“That’s poisonous for everyone. Why not gently attempt to assert some boundaries before it gets too ugly?” ~ ehroby
Info: when she makes disparaging remarks about your mother do you call her out?
“It feels like you chose a random moment to lash out instead of talking to her like an adult about how her comments are offensive to your family/mother.” ~ Correct_Name5375
Others decided that there were no heroes here.
“I think OP and his family are so polite that they’ve never had to deal with such a rude person and have no clue how to deal with someone who wasn’t taught the same manners.”
“But I also think Amber has to know full well that she’s being rude, and enjoys doing so.”
“No one is clueless enough to constantly insult their future mother-in-law without realizing they are being insulting… Right?” ~ WatersMoon110
“If everyone just chuckles (and she can’t read that it is an uneasy chuckle, some people can’t pick that up) and Amber is used to making jokes like that with friends/her own family, she might just genuinely not know how offensive it is.”
“It wouldn’t be rude in my family, they love to make dogged comments about each other.”
“But my Husband is extremely rigid and culturally different, resulting in being really reserved and easier to be offended.”
“My family says offensive things without meaning to.”
“The difference is that I wait for an appropriate time and address why what they say/do is problematic and tell them to please stop.”
“And thankfully they have started to change their behavior around my husband/his family.”
“But if I never communicated it to them, I would be an a**hole for bottling it up and being a bad communicator.”
“Every well-functioning adult should be able to have tough conversations about their boundaries with people who are different.”
“When they let this go on for 3 years and didn’t say anything, they are part of the problem.”
“Grown ups know how to communicate.”
“Children talk behind people’s back and then gets mad that they don’t know they are wrong.”
“ESH” ~ stackeddespair
“ESH – I think you all suck.”
“The way you handle it was inappropriate.”
“She will be your family by marriage, therefor she will be there aunt by marriage.”
“Also Amber sucks she needs to know what her place is.”
“The statement she made about your mother and brother is a big no-go. But you talked to your brother not to Amber.”
“I’m not saying it would have changed anything, but perhaps it would have.” ~ Necessary-Pepper2469
There were also personal stories.
“My SIL sounds a lot like Amber.”
“She was so much like this when they got together. She was young, she had moved to a new state.”
“First we brushed a lot off because maybe she wouldn’t be around for long.”
“Then we brushed it off because she was 22 and a bit sheltered and coming into a very close family with different values.”
“Then we approached my little brother about it.”
“He also refused to engage.”
“Then we confronted her and set clear boundaries and consequences.”
“Over 10 years have passed.”
“She grew up.”
“She’s fantastic now.”
“We still have our differences and her style is not my always my favorite but I couldn’t wish for a better partner for my brother and I’m grateful to have someone who cares so much in my life.”
“It sounds like she really cares and really wants to be part of the family.”
“What I hear is a young woman trying to prove her worth and her value because she’s afraid she won’t be accepted or loved.”
“That’s what I’m reading when she says stuff about doing a better job than OPs mom or being a favorite aunt.”
“This is an easy problem to solve and could be hugely beneficial to everyone in the family if handled in the right way.” ~ arianadanger
Commenters saw it as an issue of priorities.
“What’s more important, a relationship with your brother or putting Amber in her place?”
“I don’t like my SIL (she lacks boundaries) either but she’s family.”
“Sometimes when she comes over, I find something else to do and sometimes I just put up with her.”
“I have always told my kids, ‘you don’t have to like them, you don’t have to invite them to your birthday party, but you need to figure out how to work with them.'”
“I don’t have to like my SIL but she is important to my husband so I need to figure out how to have a relationship with her.”
“I would also add, just because you don’t like someone that doesn’t mean you get to make sure everyone else doesn’t like them.”
“Again, don’t like my SIL but she makes an effort with my children and they have the right to make a decision for themselves.”
“It sounds like she was being kind to your kids and you were rude to her in front of them without real cause in the given situation.” ~ 3m2coy
Personality is as unique as a fingerprint.
Boundaries are important, of course, but so is communication.
Be kind.