Interpersonal relationships can be challenging to navigate even under the best of circumstances.
When you factor in the added stresses of travelling and work, those relationships can become very frayed indeed.
So, what happens when you realize that a co-worker isn't treating others appropriately, you take a stand against it, and that coworker takes offense?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Hot-Equivalent964 when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
They asked:
"AITA for not going out to eat with coworker anymore because she embarrasses me?"
OP explained a little bit of the background.
"Right now I'm working on a travel project where I'm a surveyor."
"Our assignment right now is 100 percent travel so we're staying in hotels, going out to eat alot more than normal."
"My current partner is Sam."
"We share a company car at the location for now and she is a nice woman who is good at her job and generally pleasant to be around."
Everything was fine, until...
"However, whenever we go out to eat she turns into a mega karen and can be really obtuse towards waiters/staff."
"I've gone out to eat with her many times over the past few weeks, and every single time there has been a problem with her meal/drink."
"She always sends stuff back for no reason, or for the dumbest reasons."
"Is always demanding a discount at the end because she had to send stuff back or demanding additonal items."
"If the server refuses she always demands a manager and gets very curt and direct."
"I always just stare at my plate because im kinda embarrassed. And no joke, this happens at every meal when we go out to eat."
"I told her I wouldn't be joining her for dinner anymore and she asked why, I avoided it but she wanted an answer and I told her that her behaviour was embarrassing."
"She got really mad and our work relationship is now strained."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out how Sam's behavior could ruin the experience.
"NTA:"
"Stuff like that is really embarrassing, it is one thing if there is a legitimate problem, it’s completely different if something is literally always wrong."
"At that point they are trying to get a free meal or something which is just not fun to be around" ~ savage1878
Others suggested that Sam had ulterior motives.
"Generally, when you travel for work, you submit receipts for things like meals."
"But I'm guessing that OP's company does it differently and just gives them a per diem. Then, if she gets most of her meals for free, she gets to pocket all of the per diem."
"So very tacky." ~ lotus_eater123
Commenters were concerned about this becoming a larger problem.
"Which is extra concerning."
"These people are trying to make an honest living while she tries to dishonestly save a few extra bucks."
"If she's willing to do it over a small(-ish) amount, who will she throw under the bus for an ever bigger payout?"
"And how will that reflect on the company?" ~ RikkitikkitaviBommel
"If she is ever identifiable as that company's employee, she's going to absolutely trash their reputation in any case."
"And the hotel staff will definitely know for which company the a**hole-customer works."
"EVERYONE who works in any type of service both remembers, and gleefully discusses, those customers who exceeded the usual Customer A**holery quotient."
"All those staff (and likely their friends/family too) will avoid OP's company." ~
Self-Aware
Of course some shared personal stories to commiserate.
"NTA, Years ago at an old job a bunch of us would go out to Sushi every other Friday."
"There were 4 of us that always went and usually had lunch together on other days."
"It wasn't a secret we went to Sushi on those Fridays and people would ask to join us, no big deal."
"Everyone would pick a roll or 2, then we would all just split the bill."
"When it was the 4 of us it was never an issue. Even when had more people join it wasn't an issue...Until Mike started joining us."
"Well Mike liked to eat."
"Where everyone else at the table would order 1 or 2 rolls he would order 4 or 5, and he made sure to get more than his fair share of those extra rolls."
"So our bill went up for getting to eat the same amount of food."
"Then he invites his wife, and doesn't want pay a full share for her 'because she doesn't eat much'".
"That wasn't even the last straw, what finally did it is everyone threw in their money and we had left a decent tip."
"He pulled money out of the tip and tried giving everyone 2 or 3 dollars back."
"We all said we were happy with the tip we left and to leave the money there."
"Well he pulled out the extra 3 dollars or what ever for himself."
"And that was the last time we did Sushi Friday." ~ Mono275
"I once had someone leave me <10% on their bill when nothing was wrong and she had the nerve to leave me her card for her realty business."
"She’s out of her goddamn mind if she thinks she will ever make a commission off me or anyone I know." ~ PlasticRuester
"I see you met my mother. Although I can't really image her leaving a tip, but she would leave her realtor card."
"And she thinks 'everybody here loves us'. No, no they don't."
"I have tried to be the opposite."
"We went to a restaurant last week and have a friend that works there."
"We happened to be sitting in view of the kitchen and he was working."
"We waved, when he had time he came over and we talked a little."
"At the end our server said since we knew 'Bob' they gave us a 20% discount."
"Didn't expect that and used it to leave a bigger tip." ~ JohnNDenver
"When I travel internationally for work, our per diems for meals and incidentals are quite generous, and I do try to pocket some of it (we get it no matter what)."
"I don't do it at the expense of our waitstaff! I just generally suggest going to cheaper restaurants that will be fabulous, but affordable."
"If coworkers want to go fancy, I just join only occasionally."
"Honestly, I'd rather go to a great dumpling house than a 5-star on most nights (I just worked a 10 hour day...do I really want to throw on a dress to have a fancy meal? No I don't...I want something filling and fast so I can crash and do it again tomorrow!)."
"I have enjoyed the occasional 5-star experience, but only once or twice in a 10+ day trip!" ~ JoDaLe2
Commenters commended OP for their good character.
"NTA"
"You're a good person for calling her out on her abuse of waitstaff." ~ StAlvis
"Good for you for calling her out!"
"I wouldn't want people thinking that I thought that kind of behaviour was appropriate."
"If she wasn't horrible to servers then she wouldn't be embarrassed" ~ gibgerbabymummy
Others mentioned alternatives.
"Oh, no... go out with her again with the bet that she can't order her food without complaining about it."
"If she does, she has to tip 30% on the original bill AND pay for your food. ;-)"
"If SHE goes without complaining to the staff, YOU will pay for her meal."
"You'll get a ton of free food out of that. Or, she'll straighten up."
"But something you DO need to do."
"If your business ever involves eating out with clients for any reason, tell your higher-ups that she can NOT be part of that and why!!!!!!" ~ maroongrad
Commenters doubted Sam was a good person.
"NTA."
"She's not a nice woman who is generally pleasant to be around."
"She fakes nice with people who have any power over her or that she considers equals, and abuses anyone else."
"If she can be cruel and get away with it she will."
"And you're seeing that."
"If she causes any problems at work, speak with HR."
"But she's not a nice woman."
"Next time you go out to eat with her (if ever again) flat-out tell the waitstaff when you order that the meal will be sent back a few times, and that YOU will be tipping, so they can ignore the problems of your coworker."
"Get up, walk over to them, and warn them that she's a terrible customer."
"I know that I would have asked the manager to take care of that table."
"But NTA, at all, for refusing to eat with her AND for telling her why."
"She kept asking and pushing?"
"Common sense says she wouldn't want to know the answer."
"But, since you now know she's like this...keep an eye on how she acts to subordinates at work. I bet it's not pretty and they'd appreciate the backup from you." ~ maroongrad
"This."
"She may behave politely when she has to but underneath, she is someone who ENJOYS bullying others. Given any opportunity to be mean, she will take it."
"Write down your recollection of where you dined and what she complained about each time. You may need it if she tries to complain to HR about you being 'hostile"'. ~ Catacombs3
The way we treat people who have no power over us is a fantastic indicator of the type of person that we are.
Be sure to surround yourself with the type of people you're proud of, and call out those you aren't.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.