At the moment it seems like Taylor Swift rules the world.
Her record-breaking 'Eras Tour' has set the universe on fire.
Tickets are not easy to come by.
The prices are asrinomical
Redditor Lower-Let9945 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not staying home from my Eras Tour stop because my SIL's mom died?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am currently on my flight to Indianapolis to see the Eras tour on Saturday."
"I bought tickets last year and have been booked and ready with my outfit, friendship bracelets, etc."
"I have been looking forward to this so much as someone who has been a fan since Red."
"My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] Grace told the family last night that her mom died."
"This is truly heartbreaking, I lost my Dad when I was 20 so I do understand."
"I went over after work to be with them and also did their laundry for them and fixed them dinner."
"Before I left I prepared a bunch of wraps to eat and some casserole as well, I was there until 2 am and have barely slept."
"I got a call this morning from Grace asking if I could come over and spend the morning with her."
"I told her that unfortunately, I had a few things I had to do before I could leave for my concert."
"She got very quiet and asked me if I was still going to that."
"I told her yes, I leave in 5 hours for the airport."
"She said that she couldn't believe I could still think about a concert when she had just become an orphan with no one in the world but our family (which is true)."
"I told her that I am so sorry and that when I get back I will take off a few days to be with her if she needs."
"But that this is something I have been looking forward to and also my friends coming with me are counting on me for things like the hotel, rental car, etc."
"She got angry and told me that I was a horrible sister-in-law and that she hoped when my mom dies, everyone would abandon me, too."
"I know this is the shock and grief talking so I am truly not mad at her, when my Dad died I said some pretty chaotic things too."
"But as I'm sitting on this flight I feel so bad."
"I did everything I could think of before leaving to make the day-to-day banalities of life a little easier for them."
"There won't be a funeral so there's no real big planning involved."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for still going on this trip despite my SIL really not having a lot of other people to be there for her?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Lost my mom when I was 27."
"OP is NTA."
"Looking back, the things I needed the most were friends and people who loved me and spent time with me in the LONG term."
"OP will be there for her SIL in the long term."
"Grief is a marathon, not a sprint." ~ C_bells
"You are going to be gone like what, 48 hours?"
"I feel bad about the situation, but I am not sure what she expected you to do about it."
"She didn't need you to plan the funeral or anything. NTA." ~ egk10isee
"NTA. The world doesn't stop when you lose someone."
'And you can't make demands of people's time the way she tried to." ~ TopAd7154
"Yup. In 1997, first, my oldest sister and then my mom both died exactly 6 months apart."
"About a month after mom died, I was on a business trip, sitting in a park and crying."
"I suddenly realized that I'd been frantically trying to force my kids and then B[oy]F[riend], now husband, to fill the sister and mom-shaped holes in my life."
"And they weren't ever going to be able to do that, because they had their own places there."
"That I needed to allow the grief to do what it would."
"There are still times when I cry, seeing my mom, in my mind's eye, sitting in her easy chair with her pristine white tennies, listening to the hospice nurse talking about hospice services."
"Like, right now."
"OP's SIL is rightfully heartbroken."
"But she is not rightfully blaming OP for taking 24 hours off of condolence duty." ~ McDuchess
"NTA. Even if you missed the concert, she still wouldn't be happy because she is grieving for her Mum, and no amount of canceled events is actually going to make up for that."
"And she'll still be grieving when you get back, by which stage your brother may be quite tired."
"So tell her that what was said was 'water under the bridge' and she is a key part of the family, and you hope she'll be OK with it, given a bit of time." ~ Gin_n_Tonic_with_Dog
"NTA. But seriously, if she said that to me, I would not be that forgiving."
"I have recently lost my own father."
"I have been in the depths of grief, but there is no excuse for that comment."
"If this particular comment is 'water under the bridge,' if another similar comment was to come, I would absolutely have no problem in drowning her in that water and leaving her there."
"OP, you have done more than enough, but your world has not stopped like hers."
"You should carry on. If anything, that is what death shows us, life is for living and grabbing these moments."
"SIL has support from her spouse who needs to step up and be there. Enjoy Eras!" ~ childfreecarefree
"Seriously if there isn't going to be a funeral what more does she expect you to do?"
"NTA I am sure it's her grief talking but that is a really terrible thing for her to say and I am not sure I could get past it without a sincere apology" ~ KeyBox6804
"You miss the concert and what?"
"Sit at home alone because SIL doesn't want to be surrounded by everyone suffocating her."
"Or sit at SIL's home silently while she cries alone or in front of everyone."
"This is her mother, you have no connection to her, no relationship with her."
"There is nothing to grieve for you, you can be sad but this isn't your family."
"So why would you put your life on hold for a stranger?"
"It's rude of SIL to expect everyone to put their life and plans on hold for her grief and her loss."
"Sorry but you've still got plans, you still have bills to pay."
"It sucks what she's dealing with, but that doesn't mean your plans drop and your life ceases to exist."
"She has to accept that everyone else's world is going to keep moving for them, around her."
"Don't feel guilty, there isn't anything to do for her."
"And you don't stop your world for her grief." ~ New-Link5725
"Listen, don't worry."
"You're NTA."
"She's grieving, but it's not on you to cancel all your plans and lose out on all the money you've spent."
"Go have fun!" ~ theamydoll
"If OP really wants to drop a nuke on this situation, she could tell her brother what her SIL said about their mom dying, because whew, that is wild as hell."
"NTA OP!!" ~ tothebatcopter
"NTA her wishing your mom dies and everyone leaves you, crosses the line... especially when she's your brother's wife and not yours."
"She's toxic." ~ ChiquitaBananaKush
"This is exactly right."
"My dad died two weeks ago, and I have had trouble just getting dressed and getting my kids to school."
"My family and friends have been super supportive, but they're still going about their lives (as they should)."
"They are sad for me and here for me when I want to talk, cry, whatever, but he wasn't their dad." ~ anthalou
"How has Grace been abandoned by everyone?"
"Isn't she married to your brother?"
"Your SIL owes you an apology."
"Not everyone's response to grief is to attack another so viciously."
"Grief isn't a good enough excuse."
"Saying a few 'chaotic' things or being somewhat snappy or impatient is not on a par with what she said to you."
"NTA. Enjoy the concert." ~ Aw_Yeah_Nuh
"You put yourself out to help her quite a bit before you resumed your own life."
"You offered to take time off and help her again when you get back."
"I'm starting to understand why she does not have many friends."
"Grief is painful, but it does not absolve her from being courteous. NTA." ~ Square-Minimum-6042
"She's just feeling overwhelmingly alone."
"I can't imagine what she is feeling."
"I don't think it makes you an AH, you deserve to take your trip."
"But that also means she sees who is there and who isn't and you were there and offered to be there again while living your life."
"You can't control how she feels."
"Your brother definitely needs to step it up as someone else said."
"I'm sorry for both of you."
"You have lost a parent so you have a lot of compassion."
"I think you are handling it with grace."
"You have other people in your life counting on you and also want to celebrate the joys in your life."
"HAVE FUN."
"Life is precious and to be lived."
"Don't feel guilty."
"Honestly what you did is so kind to her."
"I think she wants a rock right now and your brother needs to do that."
"You will be back."
"I'm just sorry for you both. NAH." ~ Comeback_321
"NTA... you aren't her significant other."
"You're the sibling of her S[ignificant] O[ther]."
"Your parent didn't die."
"No one even directly related to you died."
"It's weird for her to assume you wouldn't go on your very expensive once-in-a-lifetime trip because her not related to your parents died."
"If your brother didn't drop all his plans, that would be more of a possible red flag, but not you."
"Go and enjoy your concert."
"I saw it in London and it was amazing." ~ Rabt_FTS
"NTA. Sometimes, when you experience a significant loss, it's kind of hard to realize that the rest of the world keeps turning when it feels like yours has completely ended."
"So it's not surprising that it seemed strange to her that you're going to the concert when her world has come crashing down."
"But it's not your world, and it's not your responsibility to support her at this time."
"You've done more than enough, and offered to do more upon your return."
"She's lashing out because she's in pain and can't understand why the world is acting like the biggest thing in the world didn't just happen."
"But that isn't fair to you."
"Go and enjoy the concert, offer the support you feel comfortable offering, and hopefully she realizes how off base she was and apologizes when she is in a clearer headspace." ~ Ldowd096
"Don't let the dead bury the living."
"You acknowledged her loss."
"You provided immediate support and offered more upon your return."
"She has a spouse."
"You chose to continue with a long-awaited and likely very expensive trip."
"She is grieving but also expecting too much."
"It's not on you to be her only support or to totally upend your life for her." ~ Illustrious_Leg_2537
"I understand that grief is an ongoing process that will likely continue past the weekend that you're taking off."
"You're not TA for taking some time to yourself."
"I hope your SIL has some realizations after the fact to realize that she's said some horrible things that aren't excusable even though she's grieving. NTA." ~ Snackinpenguin
"NTA. She's your sister-in-law, not your wife."
"I do think it would've been a really nice thing to cancel your trip but certainly not necessary."
"I think one thing that everybody learns is that the world doesn't stop because one person died."
"I remember learning this many times, as a child when a friend died, when co-workers died, when my mother died, and my best friend."
"It's hard to accept sometimes but in reality, I know that when I die, I don't people to miss out on things because of me." ~ Internal-Honeydew-42
"NTA. She's got her husband (I assume your brother) and her mother-in-law to comfort her (at least)."
"Her grief is not your responsibility - enjoy Eras!" ~ rocking_womble
"The fact that she said she hopes everyone abandons you when your mom dies cancels any remorse I conjured up for a stranger whose mom has passed."
"Go to the concert." ~ Pretty-Rhubarb-1313
Reddit wants you at that concert OP!
This is a once-in-a-lifetime event.
Those tickets aren't cheap and they're hard to come by.
Your SIL has a partner to be there for her while you're away.
Once she processes her grief more, hopefully, she won't take this out on you.
Have Fun!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp