Being able to quit smoking is a huge accomplishment for many. But, it’s hard when you still spend a lot of time with a smoker.
And that is only exacerbated if you’ve asked them repeatedly to stop doing it in your space.
Redditor Morkvarg667 encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for making my boyfriend leave after I caught him smoking inside my home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“It may seem like a trivial issue to some.”
“Last night I caught my boyfriend smoking inside my apartment again. I became upset and asked him to leave for a while after it became an argument. We have discussed this issue a few times and he always says it’s not a problem for him to go outside, yet he keeps trying to smoke indoors when he thinks I won’t notice.”
“For some background, I am a former smoker.”
“I quit seven years ago and have no desire to pick the habit up again. After quitting, I now notice the smell and I can’t stand it.”
“Same for vape units.”
“I don’t mind if my friends or family smoke, I can’t control what someone else chooses to do and people will only quit when they are ready. What I do mind is if they smoke inside my car or my home.
“I don’t allow it inside because it stains the walls and causes everything to take on the scent after a while. I have always been upfront with my friends and loved ones that smoke that if they come over they may not do this indoors.”
It is a perfectly reasonable request.
“My boyfriend of 2.5 years seems to have difficulty accepting this boundary of mine.”
“I’ve since sold my house, but prior to that I had caught him smoking pot in my house while I was gone after he agreed to take it to the garage or porch. Since then, I have caught him smoking or vaping inside my apartment that I now live in on four more occasions.”
“He does not live here and could get me evicted if one of the other tenants notices, plus I still do not want anyone smoking inside for reasons I listed above.”
“Here’s why I think I might be the a**hole.”
“I made him give the key to my apartment back and told him that if he cannot respect this one simple rule of mine that he is not going to be allowed here when I’m not around. I don’t want my things smelling like smoke, I don’t want the health problems that come with second hand smoke, and I could be evicted if someone notices what he is doing.”
“I kind of feel like he is disregarding my wishes.”
“Maybe my reaction is extreme but I feel like if he needs to smoke that bad, he should go on my porch or go smoke inside in his own home.”
“I asked him to leave for a while after the argument got heated and we haven’t spoken since. Am I the asshole here?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Smoking around a former smoker is an AH move. Smoking indoors with other people is an AH move. Smoking at places of people that do not want smoke is an AH move.”
“I think we can safely say your boyfriends is the AH.” ~ eloel-
“Hell, I still smoke (I hate it!) and I believe firmly that smoking indoors is disgusting.”
“The smells and residue sticks to not only the walls, carpets and furniture, but also soaks into every single thing you own. Smoking indoors is foul, risks the health of other people, destroys the value of your home (if you’re an owner) or results in eviction and/or deposit loss if you rent.”
“Dirty and nasty. It’s like pooping on your own floors.” ~ GraphicDesignMonkey
“NTA x100. But if you set a boundary and he sneaks around and violates it, HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.”
“This is not a good relationship. Good for you for demanding your key back. Sorry to ask, but why are you with someone who treats you this way?” ~ ParsimoniousSalad
“Honestly your landlord could not only take your entire security deposit but also go after you for smoke restoration if they find out people smoked in your apartment. This is no small deal. He’s completely disrespectful and shouldn’t have unfettered access to your place. NTA.” ~ Chance-Ad-9952
OP responded.
“I’m heavily considering ending the relationship over this, which would be a shame. But it really feels like he just doesn’t care what my wishes are. I don’t know how we are supposed to get married or move in together (something he wants) if he can’t be trusted to take care of our things or our living space.” ~ Morkvarg667
“If he cannot follow your boundaries now, it may only get worse in the future.” ~ kfcspincity61
“It will only get worse in the future. 4 times and he doesn’t even live there? Guaranteed he will pull the ‘it’s my home too and I get a say’ if he does live there.” ~ Missykay88
“That’s why I’m not too interested in that. I allowed him to stay for two weeks once in the house I owned and that didn’t go over well. Constant smoking inside no matter how many times I asked him to knock it off.” ~ Morkvarg667
Redditors argued OP’s boyfriend won’t change.
“My ex pulled this sh*t all the time. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal and it will not improve. Do not stay with this man.” ~ BatCorrect4320
“He’s not going to change. He doesn’t respect you, and it’s only going to get worse if you move in together or get married.”
“You’ve given him plenty of chances. Dump him.” ~ HeatherReadsReddit
“Honey, reformed smoker here. Back in the day I would NEVER smoked inside my own home let alone anyone else’s! Your bf is so incredibly disrespectful!! Dump him and find a nice non smoking man!” ~ GazelleFearless5381
“Honey, every smoker manages to not smoke indoors in spaces where it’s banned. He presumably manages not to smoke in hospitals, the office, friend’s houses when there’s a baby there, restaurants…”
“It’s not even HIS house and he repeatedly demonstrates he doesn’t care. If you move in with him, he will smoke indoors all the time because he doesn’t care – about what you want, about your health, about your comfort and wellbeing.”
“And you won’t be able to do anything about it. Not endangering your partner’s life should be basic level of actively caring for a partner. I’m a former smoker myself and it was always my prerogative to endanger my own life but I had no business endangering anyone else’s, let alone the person I loved.”
“It’s not a 10 minute lapse, it’s a long-term violation of your space. Time to let this one go, methinks…” ~ Cardabella
He needs to respect OP’s boundaries.