So, we all have a mental image of our perfect wedding, right?
Ringbearer dressed as Frodo, officiant dressed as Link.
No? Just me?
Well, whatever your ideal is, you should be able to have it.
It’s your wedding, after all.
So what happens when the biggest gap in your vision… is the appearance of your friends?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) bleachdyeproblem when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA For Refusing To Bleach My Hair For A Wedding?”
Seeking assistance.
“So I have a weird problem, and after I told my boyfriend he told me this sub would be the perfect place to get help on.”
“So I (25 F) am meant to be in the bridal party of my friend Zoe’s (26 F) wedding in December 2024.”
A Meeting.
“A couple of days ago, she met with me and the rest of the bridal party to discuss what the plan was for hair, makeup, dresses, etc.”
“At first, it seemed reasonable.”
“She’s going for a winter wonderland type of theme, so blue dresses (all in different shades, lined up as a gradient) with silvery accents, snowflake jewelry, and soft makeup, even blue contacts for those of us without blue eyes.”
“Last one’s a bit weird, but it’s no big deal to me. I’ve worn color contacts for Halloween.”
The problem.
“The bit that ended up being an issue for me is that Zoe requested we all get our hair dyed.”
“A couple members of the bridal group are natural blondes (with dyed ends), and so is Zoe (but she wants to go platinum for the wedding), but the rest of us are two brunettes, a strawberry blonde (she wasn’t ‘blond enough’?), and a redhead.”
“I’m one of the brunettes, and I’m the only one in the group who has never dyed or bleached their hair.”
“I’ve considered it, but I can never stay settled on what I want to do, and I’d hate to spend money on something that I end up hating.”
“On top of that, my mom spent from ages 5-13 flat ironing my hair almost every single day. It really damaged my hair. I’m almost certain it’s resulted in my hair being thinner than it used to be.”
“I know bleaching can also damage your hair, and I don’t feel comfortable taking that risk yet.”
“I told Zoe I wouldn’t be able to dye my hair.”
“She insisted it would be fine, as my hair seemed quite healthy, and she would be paying for the bleaching treatments for all of us.”
“I again said no, thanks so much, but I can’t.”
“I asked if I could just wear a wig, and she said no, that wigs are cheap and unnatural, and she wants us to have our real hair bleached instead of some cheap imitation for the day.”
“After more back and forth, she told me I should go home and think about the fact that I’m ruining her vision and that I’d be ruining the photos and wedding video that she and her fiancé (30 M) would be putting together for his grandparents (84 M & 82 F) to view.”
“Since they won’t be able to fly in from Argentina.”
“I apologized, paid for my meal, and left.”
“I really don’t want to dye my hair, but I also don’t want to ruin Zoe’s picture-perfect day. I don’t think I’m being difficult or wrong here, but am I?”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters balked.
“NTA”
“I would’ve backed out on the demand to wear contacts. Trying to force others to bleach hair for a wedding?”
“Absurd.”
“Just back out now. It’s not worth being part of this crazy Elsa-themed wedding.”
“She’s only going to get worse. Run.” ~ HeirOfRavenclaw
“There’s having a theme, and then there’s expecting people to alter their appearance chemically.”
“I think the real theme of her wedding is CRAZYTOWN.” ~ HappyTrifler
“Tell her to let it go ’cause these are horrible requests. I’ll be surprised if she ends up with anyone in the wedding party. Even Olaf wouldn’t put up with that!” ~ Working_Mushroom_456
“🎶 Do you wanna be a bleach blonde? You’re gunna have to be a bleach blonde…”
“OK, byyeeeee 🎶” ~ ThisIsTheCaptain
No is an answer.
“NTA.”
“This is beyond a reasonable ask.”
“No one should have to make any significant changes to their appearance for someone else’s day. The bride can ask, you can decline, and that should be the end of the story.”
“My advice would be to say to Zoe”
‘”I love you, and I want to support you on your big day, but asking me to commit to such a drastic change in appearance which will cause damage to my hair and be very expensive to execute, is not something I can do. ‘”
‘”I understand if that means that you want me to attend as a guest rather than as a part of the bridal party”‘ ~ coastalkid92
Compromise.
“I would run far from this wedding and not look back. Dyed hair and colored contacts for the bridesmaids?”
“The only time IRL that I’ve seen blue contact lenses NOT look fake as hell was tinted lenses on someone who had light green eyes to begin with.”
“Maybe the bride could line up the bridesmaids by hair color, light to dark, and coordinate the gradient blue dresses to that?” ~ IfICouldStay
An Impossible request.
“NTA.”
“I’m a natural brunette who wanted icy platinum highlights for her own wedding.”
“My natural hair color is about a 4-5, so medium to dark brown.”
“Want to know how long it’s taken to get those platinum highlights? A year.”
“A solid year of working with my hairstylist towards this goal. Well, I guess closer to 9 months because we did get it in time for the engagement photos, but it will be better for the wedding.”
“My point is, there is only so much you can lighten hair in a single sitting.”
“The first time we bleached out those highlights, we could not have gotten to this level.”
“We would have melted my hair.”
“And the colors we got in the first couple of bleachings were butt ugly, which is also pretty normal. We covered them with demi-permanent dye so they would be less ugly as they faded.”
“My point is:”
“What she’s asking for, in addition to doing damage to your hair and being completely unreasonable, probably isn’t possible.”
“You’d have to do multiple appointments spread out over months to get to the level she’s looking for without melting your hair.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t permanently damage your hair for someone else’s vision for one day.”
“If she wants the look, she needs to compromise with a wig.”
“If she’s going to insist on you ruining your real hair, she’s going to have a bad time when she realizes that there are limits to lightening and what actually happens when you try to lighten too many levels in one sitting.”
“But make that a problem with someone else’s head. Don’t sacrifice your hair for her to learn a lesson.” ~ tan_sandoval
“NTA.”
“She might as well just go hire blonde, blue-eyed models. She’s not asking her friends to support her at her wedding.”
“She is asking for a Nordic Chorus Line for the performative event she is staging that may or may not include actual wedding vows.”
“I really can’t believe you would have been okay with the contacts.”
“That enough signifies to me ‘prop’ not person. Bleaching your hair? No way.”
“She’s next going to tell you about the matching snowflake neck tattoo…”
“I hope you walk away from this mistake.” ~ Reynyan
OP did return with some clarification.
“For a little clarification on how things stand and what’s expected, I’m a 6-7 on the hair color scale.”
“The other brunette is a 5.”
“Zoe wants the six of us to be at 9-10. She only wants herself to be platinum.”
“She currently sits at a 10 on the scale.”
“Also, I do not have dark eyes. My eyes are green. Two of the other girls do have light brown eyes though.”
“Edit 2:”
“I want to go ahead and thank everyone for their effort to help/advise/educate me through these weird last 24 hours for me.”
“I’m going to try and meet up with Zoe in a few days and speak to her about this whole mess and see if we can find a compromise that doesn’t involve bleach.”
“If you still have thoughts or advice, I’m going to slap a copy of this post onto my profile. I’m also going to try and filter the comments to Q&A and answer some questions.”
“Thanks again”
No one wants to compromise their vision.
But do you want to compromise your friendships?
We hope this will blow over between the bride and the OP before the big day!