Redditor Responsible-Crazy465 is a stay-at-home mom and fully subscribes to the ideology that whoever doesn't have a traditional job is in charge of the vast majority of household duties.
Recently the Original Poster (OP) learned that some of her friends strongly disagree with this sentiment.
She has since turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for thoughts.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my friend she is ungrateful about being a stay at home mom?"
She went on to explain.
"The other day, I went to lunch with 4 mom friends of mine. I'm a SAHM and so is one of the other moms. Of the other other three, one works part-time and the other two full-time."
"One of the moms that works full-time mentioned about how they had started to pay for a cleaner to come in every other week."
"They both work full-time and have two kids and were finding they couldn't keep up with all the chores."
"The other SAHM was agreeing with her about finding it difficult to keep the house clean when her husband does only a few chores inside the house."
"She told us her husband's main jobs are cooking dinner, cleaning the bathrooms, and looking after the yard."
"In my opinion that's a more than fair distribution of chores considering her husband works full-time. They have one child [10-year-old Female] and no pets."
"I mentioned to her that it actually sounded pretty fair and that my husband has zero cleaning chores and mostly only cooks on the weekends if he wants."
"I told her as he works full-time to provide for our family, I consider it my job to do the majority of the household chores."
"This isn't gender related in my opinion, if we both worked I would agree about splitting chores equally or if I worked and he didn't I would be expecting him to do the majority of the housework."
"I have five children, the youngest two aren't in school and I'm a carer for my husband's grandmother yet still it's easy to set aside a couple hours a day for household chores."
"She strongly disagreed with me and she thinks her husband should be doing more and told me couples should split housework equally."
"I told her that I think she's being ungrateful to her husband who allows her to be a SAHM even now their child is older."
"I asked her what she does all day if she expects him to do half the chores and that she just wants an excuse to be lazy."
"In the end lunch was ruined, she called me anti-feminist and an a**hole. Two of our friends took her side telling me off for judging her(?)."
"Was I the a**hole here? I feel like I was pointing out the obvious."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"'Two of our friends took her side telling me off for judging her(?).' You were judging her."
"Both of you SAHMs have individual arrangements with your husbands that -- more or less -- work for each of you."
"Yours seems to mesh quite nicely with your personal values about how work should be split up between you and your husband."
"But rather than accepting that hers is different and that she may it change more, you compared yourself to her and conveyed your own moral superiority by calling her ungrateful."
"YTA" - Individual_Ad_9213
"YTA"
"'I told her that I think she's being ungrateful to her husband who allows her to be a SAHM even now their child is older.'"
"'I asked her what she does all day if she expects him to do half the chores and that she just wants an excuse to be lazy.'"
"And you consider this person a... friend?"
"Sometimes people just want to vent. Sometimes people just want a kind ear who will listen to them, because they're a SAHM and they mainly talk to their child all day."
"But you thought it was more important to insult this person instead? What did you expect would happen?"
"That your 'friend' would say, 'Oh my gosh OP, YOU'RE RIGHT! I AM a lazy AH, and I need to do better! Thank you so much for helping me to se the error of my ways!'"
"'I consider it my job to do the majority of the household chores.'"
"'I have five children, the youngest two aren't in school and I'm a carer for my husband's grandmother yet still it's easy to set aside a couple hours a day for household chores.'"
"Congratulations. Do you want a cookie? Nobody here cares."
"The thing is, we're not your friends, so wecouldn't give a flying fig about your sad little humble brag. If you want a pat on the back, you need to have friends for that."
"Oh wait - you just insulted one of them, and two others took her side." - sjsyed
"I'm a sahm too, but my youngest kids are only one and 4. I'm pretty busy. But having one kid who's already 10 years old, and obviously is at school all day, how busy could she possibly be?"
"When my older kids were that age, I had a lot more time for things. It sounds like her husband does his fair share."
"Maybe telling her this at a group lunch wasn't the best idea, but it came up, so I get why you said something."
"Unless she is somewhat disabled or has another reason she can't cover most of the housework, I'm going with NTA." - Dammit_Mr_Noodle
"YTA"
"Telling someone how they should feel and behave is a**hole behavior."
"You are entitled to your opinion (as are your friends). However, you expressed your opinion in a way that undercut your friend's right to her opinion."
"Having an 'I'm right and you're wrong' attitude makes you a poor friend. Be more supportive of your friends if you want to keep them as friends." - HorseLawyer420
"NTA. You called her out and she didn't like that."
"What else are people supposed to think when she doesn't even have her kid at home for half the day?"
"What exactly is she doing that requires her to need her husband to do more chores around the house while he's supporting the family by providing a roof, food, and other essentials?"
"You're not 'anti-feminist' and you're not TA." - DagnabbitRabit
"NTA and I'm appalled by the number of people calling you the AH. Your friend has sh*tty opinions and values and you were right to point it out."
"The way you describe how you would share the workload depending on who is working in your relationship makes complete sense." - Adjayjay
"YTA. You absolutely are judging her. You're doing it right here in your post."
"I have been a SAHM and a working mom and I will always choose to be the working mom because staying home to raise kids is not for me."
"Our experiences are not the same because we are not the same and it's really unfair to judge another person based on your experiences."
"You guys sound like really sh*tty friends." - Spare-Valuable8031
"YTA."
"This is the equivalent of someone in Oregon saying 'it sure is cold today', and someone from Montana replying 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT COLD IS'."
"BTW, what the hell is with the 'he allows her to be a SAHM'? What kind of backward religious cult were you raised in?" - nennjau
"NTA. My parents were similar. My mother was a stay-at-home mother who did most of the housework. Dad did the 'heavy' stuff -gardening and anything that required a lot of muscle."
"When my mother got very sick for a while, Dad picked up more housework, but I did most of it because he was now spending a lot of time caring for his very sick wife…"
"…and I was pretty invested in her recovery."
"When the kids were grown and she got a job they did split chores equally, and do now they're retired."
"What your friend and a lot of these people seem to be missing is that there is a finite amount of time in the day…"
"…and if a partner is coming home to chores every day after working, what they do not have time to do is be a parent."
"In the evenings after work, my dad spent his time and attention on his children."
"On weekends, he'd do gardening and car stuff and other dad things, but he would also spend hours every day with his children."
"It's selfish to expect that a partner financially supporting the family do otherwise. It robs the children of one of their parents."
"My partner is pregnant. I'm a woman. I will be working again after my parental leave ends; she might not, I make enough money that she doesn't have to."
"If she expected me to split the chores so that I didn't see our child in the evenings, at minimum, I would suggest that she should return to work after all…"
"…so I could cut my hours and have more family time - but I know she won't because she's not like that."
"If someone wants to split the burden of housework equally, they should be prepared to split the burden of working hours equally."
"Edit before people come to complain: yes, it is very unfortunate that for couples where both parents have to work, the children don't get this much undivided parental attention. That's very sad."
"If the world were a better place wages would still be reasonable and it works be perfectly normal and affordable for one parent to stay home with the children."
"This is not inherently gendered. I know two couples that feature stay-at-home dads; my parents had friends like that in the seventies."
"Wives who found they loathed being stay-at-home mothers, fathers who thought it would be wonderful."
"In all of these situations, the husbands do all the housework and the wives come home to spend time with their children." - WalkoffTriple
Each family and their dynamic is unique.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.