Redditor Responsible-Crazy465 is a stay-at-home mom and fully subscribes to the ideology that whoever doesn’t have a traditional job is in charge of the vast majority of household duties.
Recently the Original Poster (OP) learned that some of her friends strongly disagree with this sentiment.
She has since turned to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for thoughts.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my friend she is ungrateful about being a stay at home mom?”
She went on to explain.
“The other day, I went to lunch with 4 mom friends of mine. I’m a SAHM and so is one of the other moms. Of the other other three, one works part-time and the other two full-time.”
“One of the moms that works full-time mentioned about how they had started to pay for a cleaner to come in every other week.”
“They both work full-time and have two kids and were finding they couldn’t keep up with all the chores.”
“The other SAHM was agreeing with her about finding it difficult to keep the house clean when her husband does only a few chores inside the house.”
“She told us her husband’s main jobs are cooking dinner, cleaning the bathrooms, and looking after the yard.”
“In my opinion that’s a more than fair distribution of chores considering her husband works full-time. They have one child [10-year-old Female] and no pets.”
“I mentioned to her that it actually sounded pretty fair and that my husband has zero cleaning chores and mostly only cooks on the weekends if he wants.”
“I told her as he works full-time to provide for our family, I consider it my job to do the majority of the household chores.”
“This isn’t gender related in my opinion, if we both worked I would agree about splitting chores equally or if I worked and he didn’t I would be expecting him to do the majority of the housework.”
“I have five children, the youngest two aren’t in school and I’m a carer for my husband’s grandmother yet still it’s easy to set aside a couple hours a day for household chores.”
“She strongly disagreed with me and she thinks her husband should be doing more and told me couples should split housework equally.”
“I told her that I think she’s being ungrateful to her husband who allows her to be a SAHM even now their child is older.”
“I asked her what she does all day if she expects him to do half the chores and that she just wants an excuse to be lazy.”
“In the end lunch was ruined, she called me anti-feminist and an a**hole. Two of our friends took her side telling me off for judging her(?).”
“Was I the a**hole here? I feel like I was pointing out the obvious.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“‘Two of our friends took her side telling me off for judging her(?).’ You were judging her.”
“Both of you SAHMs have individual arrangements with your husbands that — more or less — work for each of you.”
“Yours seems to mesh quite nicely with your personal values about how work should be split up between you and your husband.”
“But rather than accepting that hers is different and that she may it change more, you compared yourself to her and conveyed your own moral superiority by calling her ungrateful.”
“YTA” – Individual_Ad_9213
“YTA”
“‘I told her that I think she’s being ungrateful to her husband who allows her to be a SAHM even now their child is older.’”
“‘I asked her what she does all day if she expects him to do half the chores and that she just wants an excuse to be lazy.’”
“And you consider this person a… friend?”
“Sometimes people just want to vent. Sometimes people just want a kind ear who will listen to them, because they’re a SAHM and they mainly talk to their child all day.”
“But you thought it was more important to insult this person instead? What did you expect would happen?”
“That your ‘friend’ would say, ‘Oh my gosh OP, YOU’RE RIGHT! I AM a lazy AH, and I need to do better! Thank you so much for helping me to se the error of my ways!’”
“‘I consider it my job to do the majority of the household chores.’”
“‘I have five children, the youngest two aren’t in school and I’m a carer for my husband’s grandmother yet still it’s easy to set aside a couple hours a day for household chores.’”
“Congratulations. Do you want a cookie? Nobody here cares.”
“The thing is, we’re not your friends, so wecouldn’t give a flying fig about your sad little humble brag. If you want a pat on the back, you need to have friends for that.”
“Oh wait – you just insulted one of them, and two others took her side.” – sjsyed
“I’m a sahm too, but my youngest kids are only one and 4. I’m pretty busy. But having one kid who’s already 10 years old, and obviously is at school all day, how busy could she possibly be?”
“When my older kids were that age, I had a lot more time for things. It sounds like her husband does his fair share.”
“Maybe telling her this at a group lunch wasn’t the best idea, but it came up, so I get why you said something.”
“Unless she is somewhat disabled or has another reason she can’t cover most of the housework, I’m going with NTA.” – Dammit_Mr_Noodle
“YTA”
“Telling someone how they should feel and behave is a**hole behavior.”
“You are entitled to your opinion (as are your friends). However, you expressed your opinion in a way that undercut your friend’s right to her opinion.”
“Having an ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ attitude makes you a poor friend. Be more supportive of your friends if you want to keep them as friends.” – HorseLawyer420
“NTA. You called her out and she didn’t like that.”
“What else are people supposed to think when she doesn’t even have her kid at home for half the day?”
“What exactly is she doing that requires her to need her husband to do more chores around the house while he’s supporting the family by providing a roof, food, and other essentials?”
“You’re not ‘anti-feminist’ and you’re not TA.” – DagnabbitRabit
“NTA and I’m appalled by the number of people calling you the AH. Your friend has sh*tty opinions and values and you were right to point it out.”
“The way you describe how you would share the workload depending on who is working in your relationship makes complete sense.” – Adjayjay
“YTA. You absolutely are judging her. You’re doing it right here in your post.”
“I have been a SAHM and a working mom and I will always choose to be the working mom because staying home to raise kids is not for me.”
“Our experiences are not the same because we are not the same and it’s really unfair to judge another person based on your experiences.”
“You guys sound like really sh*tty friends.” – Spare-Valuable8031
“YTA.”
“This is the equivalent of someone in Oregon saying ‘it sure is cold today’, and someone from Montana replying ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT COLD IS’.”
“BTW, what the hell is with the ‘he allows her to be a SAHM’? What kind of backward religious cult were you raised in?” – nennjau
“NTA. My parents were similar. My mother was a stay-at-home mother who did most of the housework. Dad did the ‘heavy’ stuff -gardening and anything that required a lot of muscle.”
“When my mother got very sick for a while, Dad picked up more housework, but I did most of it because he was now spending a lot of time caring for his very sick wife…”
“…and I was pretty invested in her recovery.”
“When the kids were grown and she got a job they did split chores equally, and do now they’re retired.”
“What your friend and a lot of these people seem to be missing is that there is a finite amount of time in the day…”
“…and if a partner is coming home to chores every day after working, what they do not have time to do is be a parent.”
“In the evenings after work, my dad spent his time and attention on his children.”
“On weekends, he’d do gardening and car stuff and other dad things, but he would also spend hours every day with his children.”
“It’s selfish to expect that a partner financially supporting the family do otherwise. It robs the children of one of their parents.”
“My partner is pregnant. I’m a woman. I will be working again after my parental leave ends; she might not, I make enough money that she doesn’t have to.”
“If she expected me to split the chores so that I didn’t see our child in the evenings, at minimum, I would suggest that she should return to work after all…”
“…so I could cut my hours and have more family time – but I know she won’t because she’s not like that.”
“If someone wants to split the burden of housework equally, they should be prepared to split the burden of working hours equally.”
“Edit before people come to complain: yes, it is very unfortunate that for couples where both parents have to work, the children don’t get this much undivided parental attention. That’s very sad.”
“If the world were a better place wages would still be reasonable and it works be perfectly normal and affordable for one parent to stay home with the children.”
“This is not inherently gendered. I know two couples that feature stay-at-home dads; my parents had friends like that in the seventies.”
“Wives who found they loathed being stay-at-home mothers, fathers who thought it would be wonderful.”
“In all of these situations, the husbands do all the housework and the wives come home to spend time with their children.” – WalkoffTriple
Each family and their dynamic is unique.