Redditor notinthebudgetaita is feeling the effects of the economy like most people these days.
While his family isn’t struggling, they don’t have as much wiggle room in the monthly budget as they used to.
However the Original Poster’s (OP’s) wife wants to financially help out her pregnant sister.
The OP has a different idea of how to best help his sister-in-law, and so ultimately an argument ensued.
This drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for help.
He asked:
“AITA For telling my wife to work more if she wants to help her sister financially”
He went on to explain.
“My wife [38-year-old female] and I [37-year-old Male] have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (ages 10, 8, & 5).”
“We both work full-time and have the kids in daycare during the summer until school starts up again.”
“We both make decent money, but with the cost of literally everything going up more and more often, our budget is getting tighter.”
“We still live comfortably within our means, but we are saving much less and are being more conscious of our discretionary spending.”
“Our youngest is starting kindergarten this fall, so that will help because we aren’t spending on daycare anymore.”
“But our oldest kids are now in more sport and extracurricular activities, which pretty much offset any saving we would be doing on childcare.”
“We aren’t anywhere near struggling, but we are definitely more aware of how we spend our money now.”
“My wife’s younger sister, Jen [30-year-old Female], is 6 months pregnant with her 3rd child. Jen is not married and this is her 3rd different baby daddy.”
“Only one of the first 2 fathers is involved. The other is a complete deadbeat who regularly skips child support payments.”
“Jen recently called my wife and told her that her current baby’s dad left her, and she’s freaking out and asking for help. Whether that be money, a place to stay, anything.”
“My wife’s parents are both passed away, and they have no other siblings, just each other. So, obviously, my wife wants to do whatever we can to help.”
“But, we don’t have the space to house them and don’t have a lot of extra money to give them either.”
“My wife wants to give Jen a few hundred dollars every month and to start watching her two older kids so Jen can keep working.”
“Personally, I think that idea is short-sighted because Jen won’t be able to work after the new baby comes.”
“My idea was to dip into savings and pay for a lawyer for Jen to do a better job of getting the child support she is owed.”
“I would rather bite a bigger bullet once than death by a thousand cuts over months and months. But my wife says that won’t help put food on Jen’s table every week.”
“I laid out our budget and asked my wife where we can make cuts to support Jen because I just don’t see it.”
“I asked her what she would be willing to give up or have our kids go without, to support Jen. She got mad at me and called me heartless for not wanting to help.”
“It turned into a fight, and I ended up telling her that if she wants to support her sister like this, then she is going to need to work more or get a 2nd job because I’m not compromising our family budget long-term.”
“All of our finances are shared, so it’s not like either of us has our “own” money to use however we want. I also know that my wife and I are the only family Jen has, and I agree that we should help.”
“But adding hundreds or possibly more to our monthly budget isn’t going to work. Jen needs more help than we can provide, and she needs to find resources that can do that for her.”
“But my wife thinks I am being an uncaring AH about this.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“‘I asked her what she would be willing to give up, or have our kids go without, to support Jen.’”
“She dodged the question that needs to be asked and played a guilt trip on top of it.”
“NTA Stay the course. Your SIL has made her own bed and can continue lying in it.” – KronkLaSworda
“This OP. Your Home and your children should not be punished or suffer the consequences of your sister-in-law’s decisions.”
“What will happen if there is a fourth or even a fifth nephew? Is it going to be a constant situation in which your children cannot have benefits for this?”
“Your sister-in-law has to deal with the consequences of her actions and put her life in order. otherwise, her behavior will only escalate, and you will be the ones harmed by it.”
“NTA. Stand your ground.” – Nana_Wait_What
“NTA. This is one of those cases where just giving her some monthly help will never solve the problem.”
“I prefer your suggestion of paying for a lawyer so Jen can what is legally owed to her, but Jen is clearly too selfish to change her own behavior.”
“How does your wife propose she can watch Jen’s current children?” – TemptingPenguin369
“If Jen applies for benefits (beyond WIC) in the US, she will have to identify the fathers of these children. The state will help her get child support, and the children will get insurance.”
“She can get substantial food stamps, and once she gets the ball rolling, there are options for help with child care and continuing education.”
“The goal with these programs is to better the mother’s quality of life, therefore the children benefit.”
“My husband and I helped a young woman (kind of a friend of a friend situation) about two years ago; her baby daddy was in jail, but the rest mostly applies.”
“She got emergency food stamps, delivered her baby, then started cleaning houses.. because she could work around the older two kids’ schedules.”
“She now has a business with four employees and doesn’t need help from anyone. Partner and I are “honorary” Pop and Mimi, and she regularly thanks us for helping her become independent.”
“That should be Jen’s goal, and your wife should encourage her.”
“You’re NTA, and any help should be qualified with the understanding that it’s short-term and contingent on improving her situation.”
“ETA: Thank you for the awards, kind Redditors. I don’t deserve any recognition. Tess deserves all of it! I couldn’t be more proud if she was my own child!” – Smarterthntheavgbear
“NTA. The cold, hard truth is that you don’t have the financial bandwidth to send several hundred dollars a month to her sister without either going into debt, penalizing your children by taking things away from them or compromising your future.”
“This does not make you uncaring. What it makes you is a man who prioritizes his immediate family first.”
“It’s not about not wanting to help. It’s about understanding the limitations of your own financial situation.”
“If she wants to help her sister, she’s going to need to increase that bandwidth. There’s a cost associated with being her sister’s savior. She’s just refusing to acknowledge that right now.”
“Unfortunately, you’re going to need to keep a close eye on your finances. Your wife may well try to do an end run around you in order to help.” – cachalker
“NTA.”
“OP is trying to find long-term solutions and discuss long-term practicalities. It’s a virtual certainty that over the next decade, the prices of basic necessities will continue going up faster than salaries.”
“If OP’s wife can’t point to any possible budget cuts today, what are the chances that supporting the sister and 3 kids will ever get any easier for OP’s family?”
“Plus, once the support starts, cutting her off will be virtually impossible.”
“OP, for yoir kids’ sake, this would be the hill I die on. If your wife wants to send money, especially monthly, then she needs to do 2 things.”
“First, tell you where the budget cuts are coming from. Is Timmy done with soccer? Is the family no longer eating meat? Will you stop saving for retirement?”
“Second, your wife needs to acknowledge that if the budget gets tighter in the future, it’s up to her to make and take blame for future cuts with the kids.”
“But above all, do not let your wife put you into credit card debt for this. It will f*ck up your kids’ lives.”
“Tell her it’s either help with a lawyer, or she has to resolve the budget.” – SpaceJesusIsHere
“NTA.”
“1. Family counseling asap. Your SIL and your wife are both in panic mode and aren’t thinking clearly.”
“You probably can’t counsel them through this, but you don’t have to go underwater with them. Insist on you and your wife seeing a therapist together to help sort through boundaries.”
“2. Insist on paying for a lawyer, at least to get the paternity established for baby 3. SIL better be getting every bit of the child support she can from all three dads.”
“3. Help her navigate all the assistance she can find. As a single mom of three, she might be eligible for low-income health care and possibly for WIC.” – capmanor1755\
Best of luck to the OP, his family, and his sister-in-law’s family.