Aging is said to be more widely celebrated and joyous these days.
If a person reaches any age, that means they’re still alive!
And that’s a cause for celebration.
But that aging also comes with certain costs, and we mean that literally.
Nobody wants to be a physical or financial burden.
Are children obligated to care for their parents?
Is it possible for most?
Case in point…
Redditor aitamineorhis wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for wanting to move in my parents and not my husband, and suggesting putting them in a nursing home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F[emale]) have owned our home since before marriage, and we have a prenup.”
“In day-to-day life, we refer to it as our home, but my husband (37 M[ale]) has never paid anything towards it and has no legal rights to it.”
“All of our parents are still alive, but my husband and I were both the youngest children, and our parents are all much older.”
“His mom has some dementia, and his dad has some major mobility issues.”
“They can no longer stay in their home.”
“Due to M[other] I[n] L[aw] wandering the street recently, adult social services have been involved.”
“He has two siblings; one is an addict and is in prison.”
“The other has four kids and lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Neither of his siblings can take them in, so it’s us or a nursing home.”
“Both of my parents are older and have recently retired.”
“They live in a major city but can’t afford to live there on just retirement.”
“They need to move.”
“My older brother is dead so it’s just me that my parents can rely on.”
“I want to move my parents in with us.”
“They’re both easygoing people, and my husband gets along with them well.”
“They also can contribute to the household finances.”
“They wouldn’t be a burden on us at all.”
“My husband’s parents just live off social security and are going into debt because of their medical costs.”
“They would be a major burden on us. We’d have to take care of them and provide for them full-time.”
“My husband works much longer hours than I do, so I’d be responsible for them.”
“My in-laws also aren’t very appreciative people, and I don’t like them.”
“I mentioned that I want to move my parents in with us, and we could use the money we’d save from their financial help to put his parents in a decent home.”
“He was furious.”
“He thinks we should take his parents in, and my parents can just move somewhere cheaper and manage their own retirement funds fine.”
“I don’t think this is reasonable at all.”
“I expressed that he doesn’t have time to look after his medically needy parents, nor can he afford in-home health care.”
“He said as his wife, I should look after his parents out of love for him.”
“I think his response is kind of bulls**t, to be honest.”
“I told him under no circumstances will his parents be moving in, and he was welcome to move out and care for them elsewhere.”
“I told him if he decides to stay, I’ll respect his decision of not wanting my parents to move in, and I can look into other options for them.”
“AITA for not being willing to let my in-laws move in but wanting my own parents to move in?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, you will carry the burden of doing the majority of the work.”
“By the sounds of it, your in-laws need people with proper medical training to take care of them properly.” ~ MJ_KW
“My wife and I joined our household with her parents because F[ather] I[n] L[aw] had dementia, and MIL could no longer take care of him by herself.”
“She still did the hardest stuff (dressing, some of the bathroom), but at times, it took all 3 of us.”
“I can’t imagine taking care of two people.”
“OP’s husband has zero clue.”
“But I understand his sentiment. So NTA.” ~ Glittering-Cellist34
“He should stay with his parents for a week or three and take care of them.”
“Let him use up his vacation days.”
“If he still thinks it’s easy-peasy, tell him he’s free to move his parents in and work from home full-time.”
“OP, don’t fall for this trap.”
“People complain about having to care for their kid’s hamster, and those live only two years max.”
“Your in-laws may be living for another decade or two, depending on their age and the progress of their health issues, and require a lot more care.” ~ EatThisS**t
“My S[ister] I[n] L[aw] had early onset dementia and lived with my mother-in-law until SIL passed.”
“My MIL had the flexibility to work from home but still hired someone to care for SIL through social security because it was a lot of work.”
“SIL had a nurse assigned to her for home medical-related care.”
“It was not easy.”
“When my SIL passed, my mother-in-law said that she realized she and her husband could now go out to eat whenever they wanted.”
“There was no going out on a whim while SIL was in the house.”
“It had to be planned, and someone with the right kind of experience had to be hired to watch her.”
“OP is certainly NTA. Caring for someone with dementia can become a full-time job.” ~ kjsgss06
“You don’t need me to tell you you’re allowed to have a life, but I will anyway.”
“It’s two Full-time jobs he’s asking you to add to your responsibilities, and that doesn’t even account for the emotionally and mentally draining aspect of it.”
“Dementia care alone is a tremendous undertaking.”
“If it were your own parents? Maybe. But they aren’t.”
“NTA and stick to your guns.” ~ the_greengrace
“Girl. No. Do not do this to yourself.”
“I’m Chinese. If his parents move in, they will expect to be treated like royalty, and they’ll emotionally and verbally abuse you for it.”
“Can he take even a week off between school and camp to live in their house and take care of them?”
“Just because you were a nurse doesn’t mean that you are his built-in care nurse.”
“You are the breadwinner (and I’m betting you do the bulk of the household mental and physical labor ‘because you have time’), and you already subsidize his lifestyle.”
“The fact that he wants you to bring in all the money AND provide in-home nursing care 24/7 to his parents who WILL abuse you is wild.”
“That’s some first/only son audacity.”
“He needs a come-to-Jesus talk about how much you’ve already been supporting him for the past 10 years.”
“What does he actually contribute to the household?” ~ Lala_oops
“That’s not even remotely possible.”
“My father said the same thing after my mother had a stroke and could no longer care for him (he had M[ultiple] S[clerosis].”
“He expected my sister or me (or both of us) to put aside our homes and families/pets to care for him, insisting we could work from home while doing so.”
“I showed him a log of a typical day while I cared for him for three weeks.”
“I didn’t sit down once from 6 am to 4:30 pm, between cooking, cleaning, managing their finances, and his personal care (by far the biggest share of time).”
“He refused to acknowledge the reality, of course… but my sis and I knew what was needed.”
“Both parents spent the rest of their lives in a large shared room in a superb private care home, adequately staffed for the very high level of care they needed.”
“We were very fortunate that their money lasted.”
“Stick to your position; it’s reasonable, realistic, and equitable. NTA!” ~ Radiant_Gas_3420
“Not people who have dementia and mobility issues!”
“And it’s not a wife’s ‘responsibility’ to take care of her husband’s parents!”
“I can appreciate that he may not want your parents to move in, but that means he doesn’t move in either.”
“And they definitely need specialized care.”
“Dealbreaker for me… particularly the part where he expects you to take on that responsibility.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ rainyhawk
OP came back with some updates…
“I spoke to my husband for an hour about it.”
“I think he thought I would cave, but I’m not.”
“Our marriage is done.”
“And honestly, I’m okay with it.”
“I bring a lot more to the table, and I’m ready to be with someone who’s an equal partner.”
“Certain aspects of his culture I admire, but the relentless idea of sacrificing everything so your parents are comfortable is something I don’t agree with.”
“They’ve always treated me poorly, and I’m not willing to sacrifice for them.”
“My husband packed some clothes and is going to stay on his friend’s couch for a while.”
“I’m going to move my parents in later this month, and I’m going to change the locks and move his stuff out to a storage unit tomorrow.”
“He can’t afford a lawyer, so I’ll find one to represent us both, and that’ll be it.”
“I don’t know what he’ll do about his parents, and I don’t care.”
“He doesn’t make enough to pay for their care, so they’re probably going to go to the only nursing home in the area that works with Medicare.”
“It’s a truly awful place rampant with abuse and neglect, which does suck for them.”
“But they treated me like sh*t, so that’s life, I guess.”
The OP left us with one additional update.
“A lawyer can’t represent us both apparently, and can only mediate us both.”
“Shi**y but whatever.”
“I’ll get myself one and if he can’t come up with the money I’ll get whoever’s cheapest.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
And it sounds like you worked it all out.
Sad to hear about the dissolution of your marriage.
But you have to do what is healthiest for you and your parents.
Hopefully, your soon-to-be ex will figure out his family issues as well.
Good luck.