Infidelity in a marriage affects more than just the couple directly involved. The in-laws whose family member was cheated on will inevitably have their perspective of the cheater changed, even if their spouse forgives their disregard for their marriage vows.
A sibling who doesn't want to enable their in-laws disrespectful behavior turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
RichInitiative9788 asked:
"AITA for staying in a hotel instead of my parents' house during my brother's engagement because I didn't want to stay with my brother-in-law (BIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"About two years ago, my sister discovered that her husband (my BIL) was cheating on her with a colleague. He wanted to continue talking to the colleague even after my sister found out."
"My brother, my mother, and I went to speak to him about the situation. The conversation became heated, and he became defensive. He said many disrespectful things to us, and although things got heated on both sides, most of the insults came from him."
"Eventually, my sister decided to forgive him and continue her marriage. My BIL later apologised to my parents, and they forgave him for my sister's sake. However, he never apologised to me or my brother. In fact, he still seems angry with us over the confrontation."
"My family had made considerable efforts to accommodate him and maintain a good relationship with him, despite experiencing disrespect from him on other occasions. We had hoped he would take good care of my sister, so the affair and everything that followed were particularly disappointing."
"Fast forward to my brother's engagement. Everyone was going to stay at my parents' house for the function, including my sister and BIL. I wasn't comfortable staying in the same house as my BIL, given what happened in the past and the fact that he never attempted to make things right with me."
"I decided to book a hotel instead."
"My parents wanted me to stay at their house, but I refused. They became angry with me for this decision. My mother felt that I should compromise for my sister's sake."
"During the engagement, my sister, BIL, and mother were unhappy about the situation. I chose to ignore the tension and behave normally throughout the function because I didn't want to create a scene or spoil my brother's special occasion. However, the situation affected my brother too."
"My parents have since stopped talking to me. I feel that I'm being expected to accommodate someone who disrespected me, even though he has made no effort to apologise or repair our relationship."
"I understand that my sister has chosen to forgive her husband and that my parents have done the same. I don't expect them to change their decisions. However, I don't feel obligated to have the same relationship with him that they do."
"At the same time, I wonder whether I should have put my discomfort aside and stayed at my parents' house for a couple of days for my brother's sake. Perhaps doing so would have prevented some of the tension around his engagement."
"So, AITA for choosing to stay in a hotel rather than stay under the same roof as my BIL, even though my decision upset my parents and affected my brother's engagement?"
OP later added:
"My sister couldn't stop the affair. She came to our parents' house one day told us about everything. The affair had been going on for long time may be 2 or 3 years, I don't recall."
"She asked for our help to fix this. They have a daughter together, so for their sake we wanted to help. Long before us, her mother-in-law (MIL) got involved in this and gave a speech about 'boys will be boys' to my sister."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Make staying in a hotel the norm now for all occaisions." ~ oaksandpines1776
"NTA. It’s really hard to align with people who are intent on 'keeping the peace' instead of have any principals. Those kind of people won't actually stand up for you when push comes to shove, so be cautious." ~ JaydedXoX
"Your family are a**holes for not respecting your feelings. They chose to create discomfort for you and others. They could have respected your boundaries and kept quiet." ~ nellierosa
"NTA for the hotel, but the real a**hole here is your sister for involving her entire family in a conversation with her cheating husband. Just because she forgave him does not absolve the comments made to you by him." ~ marblefree
"It seems like the family is enmeshed and OP setting themself apart from the group is making the parents anxious. That's why they were so eager to forgive their son-in-law, to keep the group together."
"Lines and boundaries are blurred and woe is anyone who goes against the grain. OP says they acted normally for their brother and their parents could have done the same, but they acted out so they can blame OP. The end goal being to guilt them into falling in line."
"Stay strong, OP. You have autonomy and you are more than a member of a group." ~ Pomerosa
"NTA—you made a decision based on your comfort. THEY are the ones who made things uncomfortable and ruined your brother's engagement party by not letting it go. They could be disappointed and still have acted normally. They chose not to." ~ Queen_beeeeee
"I didn't even finish reading (no offense) because even if you loved your BIL, you are a grown-a** adult and if you want to stay in a hotel, stay in a hotel. We started staying in hotels when visiting my in-laws and friends cuz we just really need our own space at the end of the day. And that's with people we LIKE." ~ theDefaultbunny
"You’re not the a**hole, but you are stuck in a sh*tty situation with a sh*tty crossroads. You can either: suck it up and save face, put it in the past, and try to pretend all is well even though he has VERY clearly shown his character for the sake of your family… or you can stand your ground, but lose your family."
"It’s a matter of what matters most to you. I’d personally do exactly what you’re doing now, but just be aware at what’s at stake and that you can’t fix this. They’ve chosen their side, now you have to truly decide yours." ~ Turtlegrandmacore
"You make a valid point, but quite frankly I am disappointed in OP's parents. They of course were free to accept the BIL's apology and to maintain a reasonable relationship with him for the sake of their daughter, but to stop speaking to the OP because the OP is not interested in doing the same thing makes absolutely no sense to me as a parent." ~ LdiJ46
"I just want to say that as a person who has been in OP's shoes, I have one data point that says that years later when the sister/BIL's relationship implodes for good, everyone will come running to OP to pretend like they didn't freeze OP out and to just pick up where they left off."
"It's predictable and embarrassing (for the family, because of their own choices and behavior)." ~ oranges214
"Exactly. He's an unrepentant cheater. You can't reconcile with those. He's never apologized and he hasn't owned what he's done."
"He just expects everyone to gloss over what he did. Probably never even tried marriage counseling. He will do it again because sister showed him that he can." ~ moew4974
"Sad, but true. BIL won’t stop cheating. He showed his wife and family how much his marriage meant to him when he refused to stop talking to the affair partner." ~ Individual-Money4967
"NTA, a hotel is safer than going into a hostile environment and putting up a facade." ~ No-Branch9731
"This story is crazy to me. If someone cheated on my family member and was then still around, every time I saw them, literally every single time, I would say something like...'Hey man, keeping it in your pants I hope!'." ~ pudgehooks2013
"You shared, 'My mother felt that I should compromise for my sister's sake', mom is missing a big point. Staying in a hotel IS a compromise."
"You still went to the event despite him being there, while doing what you could to avoid potential fights/attitude during your free time."
"Sleeping in the same house doesn’t even do anything for your sister, unless something happened like him throwing a fit that upset her I guess." ~ Bluedal3k
"They'll start talking to you again as soon as BIL leaves her for his next affair partner. It will most likely be to tell you it's time to support your sister..." ~ no_proper_order
If OP isn't ready to make nice with an unrepentant cheater, that's their prerogative. If the family wants to hasten that along, they should focus on the aggressor instead of the aggrieved.
