Being a parent means loving unconditionally and supporting unconditionally.
But Redditor Just-Airport-774 knows that true unconditional love and support sometimes looks like tough love.
The Original Poster (OP) just found out a harsh reality about their son.
This drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for telling my son he can't stay with me when I found out why his wife kicked him out."
They went on to explain.
"My daughter-in-law is pregnant with my first grandchild. She is suffering from placenta preavia. She is on bedrest."
"It would be dangerous for her to have sex. So my a**hole son decided that he should cheat."
"She found out and kicked him out of the house. He came to stay with us because 'she was having crazy pregnancy hormones'."
"Every time he called her they would fight. After a couple of days we told him to go see if she calmed down."
"Her mom is staying with them so we weren't worried about her. My wife called her to check in on her and found out the truth."
"I [was] very upset. When he got home from work I told him he needed to get out of my house."
"He wasn't someone I wanted to associate with at the moment and it would be best if he wasn't near me."
"My wife tried to say that I was being too hard on him. That I should just give them a chance to work things out. I can't even look at him. I don't want such a stupid boy in my house."
"My wife and I are still fighting about it but I am willing to die on this hill."
"So AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA - never TA for such integrity. Your son most definitely is, and (I suspect) his enabling mommy is as well. Kudos to you for doing the right thing." - bureaucratic_drift
"NTA- you have respect for your daughter-in-law and strong morals of knowing right from wrong. Looks like your son never inherited them." - Sea_Supermarket_9728
"NTA. Good, let him rot. Too many parents enable the awful behavior of their adult children, particularly their adult sons, and all it does is cause that overgrown child to continue to act up."
"And we see way too many Boy MomsTMin this sub (i.e., women that coddle their male children and encourage them to treat their wives terribly)."
"Good on you for not letting that sort of thing happen in your family."
"Your daughter-in-law is family and the mother of your grandchild. She needs your support now, not the man that cheated on her and blew up his own marriage." - beanfiddler
"NTA. Consequences of his own sh*tty actions. Good for you for not condoning it."
"Your grandchild is on their way, and grandkid and their mum need all the support. Hell yes, do not let him get away with disrespect and entitlement." - sikonat
"A decent husband would be too tired to cheat because they would be doing everything they could to help their wife. She's sick in bed and pregnant with his child."
"I wouldn't be able to even look at him if he was my son." - meditatinganopenmind
"Nta, his reason for cheating is disgusting. I question your wife's morals. You're a good dad for stepping up for your DIL. Actions have consequences" - Existing_Ideal8840
"Why does your wife think you're too hard on him? What is her reasoning that she doesn't blame him for his infidelity? Would she forgive and make excuses if you were unfaithful?"
"NTA... I'm just trying to understand your wife's stance on y'all's son. Unless he's her golden child and not subject to any type of censure."
"I agree with you that this is a hill to die on." - Unfair_Ad_4470
"Has your wife even acknowledged that your son"
"1. Cheated on his wife who cannot medically have sex"
"2. Lied about the situation to put the blame on the wife"
"Because if she hasn't...it sounds like your son is her golden boy who can do no wrong in her eyes and it's always someone else's fault."
"Good luck with waking her up from that."
"I'm glad that you can see your son clearly. I'm not telling you to cut him off."
"But your wife and son need to acknowledge the voluntary wrongdoing (both the cheating and the lying), how serious it is and how morally corrupt the actions were."
"NTA" - Dana07620
"NTA - cheating is never acceptable"
"I had placenta previa. No sex for 28 weeks. I was diagnosed at 18w, delivered at 38w plus 8w pp recovery. My husband had zero issues with it because it was for the safety of his family." - Blueovals
"NTA but..."
"You may have inadvertently made things worse for your daughter-in-law."
"If your son can't stay with you, he may demand to be allowed to move back into his own home, which would be stressful and miserable for her."
"You might reconsider this stance just for her sake, not his." - Trilobyte141
"NTA. Thank you for standing up for your DIL and for not enabling your cheating son."
"Your wife is ridiculous, I can't believe she's not enraged by his behavior (unless she doesn't like DIL anyway). You're doing the right thing." - PsychoticNurse
"NTA"
"Your son isn't just stupid. He's cruel."
"There's also nothing that should be fixed as long as he dismisses her reasonable upset at his infidelity as *'crazy pregnancy hormones'."
"And to do so while his wife, the person he claims to love, is dealing with what is potentially life-threatening complication."
"Hence, your son is cruel. And that by far is the worse offense than just stupidity." - Kettlewise
"That I should just give them a chance to work things out"
"You kicking him out in no way impacts their chance to work things out or not. This is not a valid argument."
"NTA. He can go stay with his affair partner, who I would be willing to bet, he is still seeing." - facinationstreet
"Your son is not the first husband to have a wife who is going through pregnancy difficulties, and sadly he will not be the last."
"A good husband would not choose to do what your wife's son did, because:"
- "they love and honor their wife and the commitment"
- "the health and well-being of their wife and baby is of the utmost importance"
- "they wish to support their wife in any and every way they can by taking on extra duties at home"
- "they understand their pee-pee can survive without sex,"
- "OR, they (ahem) can take themselves in hand"
"Your wife's son's actions do not indicate he is actually ready for parenthood. Perhaps by you exposing your son to some consequences, he will grow up."
"Sadly, your wife is attempting to interfere with that process."
"Does your wife think your daughter-in-law should have accommodated him so that he wouldn't have been *forced* to go elsewhere for his husbandly rights?"
"Does your wife realize that the stress her son has caused your daughter-in-law could have negative effects on both her health and the health of the baby?"
"NTA. Sir, you are so far from being the AH you are not even on the same continent. Your morals and ethics are enviable, I cannot imagine the pain this is causing you."
"You have the sympathies of many for being the father of and married to such insensitive, delusional A Hs."
"Your grandchild will be fortunate to have you as an example in his or her life."
"Whether the child's father can redeem himself and be worthy of being in this child and their mother's life is highly debatable. I'm not too certain about granny either!" - shattered7done1
"NTA"
"My sister was married to a guy like him."
"When she had her first complicated pregnancy and was on pelvic rest he demanded that she still perform her marital duties without her pelvis at the frequency he was accustomed."
"And after the baby was born? She still was expected to "keep her duties" on his schedule while breastfeeding and providing total care to TWINS after a traumatic and difficult birth."
"Dude actually forced her into a [sex act] while she was still in the hospital."
"Yeah- he's an ex." - IWasBorn2DoGoBe
"NTA. If there were a competition for the best post on Reddit, I would nominate you."
"Well done on still parenting your son. He doesn't need to stay with you in order to try to fix his marriage."
"By the way, your DIL might not be willing to take your son back. Does that mean he lives with you for the foreseeable future? What's your wife's plan?"
"Perhaps if your son was remorseful and apologized, this might be a different post." - Confident_Wave_5048
"Your wife seems very comfortable with the idea of a spouse cheating on their partner... Anything YOU need to worry about there??"
"Some parents will excuse their children's bad behaviors, even if it hurts others."
"Wanna bet if this pregnancy is affected by the stress caused in this situation, she's going to 100% blame your DIL and say your son is a victim."
"Hope you call the DIL and let her know she has your full support."
"NTA" - Rohini_rambles
A unanimous NTA.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp