As we become adults, a parent’s generosity can be invaluable.
But what happens when one adult child finds their parent’s generosity to be unfair?
Redditor Usual-Profession6146 recently found this out from the parent perspective.
A spat with their son drove the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for not giving my son money from my daughters savings?”
She went on to explain.
“My [56-year-old Female] daughter [29-year-old Female] still lives at home.”
“My daughter was nervous about living on her own and after college she asked if she can come back home until she is ready.”
“With the prices of houses right now and how dangerous the world has become, me and my husband decided it was best if she stayed at home.”
“She doesn’t know when she plans on moving out, but she isn’t in any rush and me and my husband don’t plan on rushing her either. She pays us rent once a month.”
“Her only other bills is the stuff for her cat and what she chooses to do on her own time.”
“My husband had the idea to save the money she was giving us as rent and give it all back to her when she’s about to move out as a surprise.”
“My daughter does not know that we have been saving her rent money.”
“Recently my son [31-year-old Male] and his wife have been house hunting. They haven’t found anything in their budget that fits their needs.”
“They are short on money and recently found out about what me and my husband have been doing with our daughters rent money.”
“Recently he and his wife sat me and my husband down while our daughter was at work and asked us to give them the money we have been putting aside for our daughter.”
“I told them no because it wasn’t our money to give away and that it belonged to his sister. He argued that she wasn’t moving out anytime soon and he and his wife needed the money now.”
“I offered to gift him some money but it wasn’t nearly as much as the amount of money my daughters rent money has created over the last 7 years she has been living with us.”
“My son said that if we gave him the money that me and my husband could just slowly put the money back over the next couple of years.”
“I told him that me and my husband doing that would put us in financial strain. We aren’t struggling by any means but the amount of money set aside for my daughter is too much to just “put back”.”
“He and his wife accused me of favoring my daughter. I told him that wasn’t true because he had the opportunity to live at home and save up for a house but chose to not live at home after college.”
“I tried my best to explain to them that I couldn’t just give away money that didn’t belong to me. He and his wife angrily left after I refused to budge on the matter.”
“AITA for not giving away my daughters money?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA. They sure are entitled. I can’t believe they declined money from you not related to the money your daughter has paid you in rent. That’s ridiculous.”
“Their financial situation is their responsibility and choice and you are not required to give them anything.”
“Especially when it takes money from your daughter, who has been paying you each month.” – Special_Respond7372
“NTA. Have to wonder how the son found out about the rent money if his sister doesn’t know what your plans are.” – No-Swimming-3599
“NTA- Your son and his wife are 1. Entitled and/or 2.Desperate. I have a sibling and I could not imagine asking my parents that in the same situation.”
“There are two people that money could rightfully belong to- You/your husband OR your daughter, but never your son.”
“He sees something that would benefit him and is trying to manipulate the situation to get it. This is super sad as a parent, but you did the right thing. Horrible behavior.” – Kickin-Queen
“NTA.”
“The entitlement is boggling. There is no favouritism here as you offered him the same treatment as your daughter to live at home and he refused.” – PowerStocker
“NTA because it is your choice entirely. He was also offered the same deal and chose not to take it.”
“However, it is your daughter’s money only in your own mind–it is money your daughter paid to you, so it really is your choice. Own that.”
“Your son is being an entitled AH (along with his wife) though, especially for turning down your offer of a smaller gift directly. That reeks of this being his way to try to stick it to his sister.”
“Your husband’s a bit of an AH for telling them about the money.” “
He could have offered the setup to them without disclosing something you both have apparently kept secret, even from your daughter.” – Tangerine_Bouquet
“‘Son, that money came 100% out of your sister’s pocket. She chose to prioritize saving and living cheaply, and now she gets to reap the financial benefits.”
“We’ve offered you the same option more than once and you made a different choice that has different benefits.”
“You’ve lived independently for a decade without the limitations of being in your parents’ home.”
“You’ve built a relationship with your wife on your own terms and without us breathing down your neck.’”
“Both choices are perfectly acceptable. But you don’t get to demand the same outcome for different choices.” – justuslemmings
“Edited for clarity”
“You have been saving money for your daughter to buy a house. You have not been saving money for your son to buy a house.”
“Nta for not giving him all of your savings for your daughter, of course. There’s no way he could be entitled to everything you’ve put aside for her.”
“But you may want to consider whether you were the asshole for having this secret arrangement to begin with.”
“When you decided you would help daughter save for a home, why not tell her? Why not tell your son he had the same opportunity available to him, if that was the case?”
“When you say that “he could have chosen to live with us and save too”, how is that not disingenuous?”
“Of course at 22 he assumed he would pay rent to you, just as your daughter did. Now he is 31 and has a wife.”
“Saying he can have access to this opportunity to live with you 10 years later than sister did is not quite the same.”
“Children do not necessarily deserve and are not entitled to equal amounts of monetary support from parents.”
“Daughter could need or deserve more money from you on a variety of counts, such as her job, her being single, her overall skills or capacities, or her having given up freedoms to live with you, provide companionship and emotional support, or helping you with chores.”
“But I do believe you should own up to the fact that this is monetary support from you that you are choosing to gift to your daughter.”
“Maybe your idea of what support you could consider providing your son would be different in that case.”
“Or maybe not, perhaps in particular if he’s an entitled jerk who thinks he deserves all of the saved up money and sister gets an IOU.”
“But also…once you’ve made a final decision around all this, tell the sister she has money to help her buy a house. It sounds like the secret has outlived its usefulness, if it ever was useful.” – Jrreddig
“ESH.”
“Daughter is living at home because she doesn’t “feel ready”, not to save money. At 29, she may NEVER move out; then what?”
“The money paid for rent by daughter doesn’t belong to daughter; it’s rent and it belongs to you.”
“That you chose to save it for her doesn’t make it her money. It will still be money you’re choosing to gift her.”
“Son isn’t entitled to the money, but it’s also not exactly fair of you to allow daughter to live rent-free for YEARS and not assist your son at all when you can clearly afford to.”
“There’s some favoritism going on here; you may want to reconsider all perspectives while you can, since nothing has been set in stone.” – pooppaysthebills
“Your title is a bit disingenuous. This is not your daughter’s savings; it’s your savings from the rent money she has paid you.”
“It’s generous to give it to her, but it is absolutely a gift you will be making to her that you are not making to your son.”
“She already likely pays less rent to you than she would elsewhere; giving her this money means that instead of subsidizing her housing, you’re supporting her entirely, while your son supports himself.”
“Then you’re telling him he deserves less from you then she does.”
“It’s your money that you can use as you like, but don’t expect him to want a close relationship after you treat them so unequally. YTA for not even seeing that.” – Internal_Progress404
Sometimes generosity has its downsides.