Robin Hood sounds like a good idea in fantasy, but where is the line on robbing from the rich to give to the poor?
Big corporations, big banks, billionaires—many people applaud theft from them.
But what about a slightly more affluent friend? Should it be OK to steal from them?
Shockingly, a soon-to-be bride is facing that exact question. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on how she handled her situation with her maid of honor.
Kayelle-99 asked:
“AITA for kicking my maid of honor (MOH) out of my wedding with 5 days notice?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m (23, female) getting married in a couple days. Most of this is in the last two weeks.
“My MOH (26, female)—M—was in charge of planning my bachelorette party, which I wanted to be a surprise. We live in a city, but none of us live downtown, so I was hoping for a hotel room downtown and having a fun night out with friends, maybe a brunch.”
“Most of the bridal party live locally, but two girls flew in for it.”
“When M picked me up 2 weeks ago on Friday, I was excited to see where we were going and what we were doing. We ended up going to M’s 1 bedroom townhome and spent the whole weekend there.”
“There are 8 of us, so it was cramped and we kept running into issues with only 1 bathroom. On Friday night we had games and ordered pizza, Saturday we had a mimosa bar, went shopping, ordered food, and watched a movie, before parting ways on Sunday.”
“The friends that flew in paid for their airfare and everything that was bought for the party was split with everyone in the bridal party except me. I didn’t pay for anything other than some drinks I had delivered because there wasn’t anything to drink Friday night but everything else was split 7 ways between the rest of the bridal party.”
“It wasn’t the bachelorette party of my dreams, or a particularly fun weekend, but it was OK, and I appreciated it.”
“Last weekend, my fiancé (32, male)—J—had just returned from a work trip. I hadn’t caught him up to speed on the party, because there wasn’t much to report.”
“But when he returned, we were chatting and I told him about the party. He looked confused but said nothing else that evening.”
“The next day, I got a message from M asking to meet up to talk about ‘something’. M revealed that J had given her a significant amount of money—$25,000—over a year ago, with the intention that it be used to pay for a bachelorette party.”
“It would have been enough to pay for the entire bridal party to do a week long vacation out of town, including airfare, hotel, food, drinks, and fun.”
“I think he gave it to her under the assumption that a week long party would take a while to plan, and that way she could start booking things that may have limited space as well as dispersing money to coordinate flights.”
“She is a person who has been in my life since I was 18 and typically comes over to our house at least once a week. My fiancé considered her a close and trusted friend as well. My fiancé makes significantly more money than me and my friends as well as our families do.”
“I wasn’t expecting this type of event; a weekend downtown would have been wonderful, and even though the party at her home wasn’t what I hoped for, I was fine with it because I got to be with all of my friends.”
“She, instead, used the money to pay off credit card debt and hoped that no one would notice. She didn’t tell me out of guilt. After he found out what my bachelorette party was, my fiancé told her either she needed to sit down and tell me or he would.”
“I told her I needed some time to process and went home.”
“After talking with J about it, I decided, that the best action would be to remove her from the wedding. I came to this decision because I don’t feel I can trust her and don’t want her to be standing next to me at my wedding.”
“It’s technically my fiancé’s money even if it was for what was supposed to be a gift for me. He is leaving it up to me if I press charges, and has let me know he’ll support whatever route I want to go.”
“I’m still kind of in shock and obviously upset, so pressing charges or taking her to civil court is the last thing on my mind. The idea that she would pay us back has not even been floated around.”
“J does have text exchanges confirming that she received it and what it was for and she has sent me things confirming that she used it to pay off debt and her mom and boyfriend have as well. Maybe I’ll change my mind later on, but right now I just want to get married and get away from the drama.”
“I slept on it overnight and sent her a text saying this on Monday.”
“Since then, I have been getting texts from her mom and boyfriend telling me how awful I am for doing this since I didn’t need a big party and M was able to financially benefit. Her mom feels it’s okay because it got her out of debt.”
“Her mom is not and has never been the best person. But I had never seen any of those traits in M until all of this. Unless I just missed the red flags.”
“My mom is also against removing her from the wedding, as she’s like a sister to our family and it would be tragic for me to get married without M there. My mom is just disregarding the entire situation because she cares about M.”
“The rest of the bridal party is split, with half saying I shouldn’t have kicked her out and the other half agreeing with me. People realize she stole money but the prevailing sentiment is, in the case of my bridal party, they don’t particularly care.”
“M has called me crying because she already has her dress (J and I paid for all dresses) and she can’t wear it anywhere else.”
“At this point, I want the wedding to be over with so I can be on my honeymoon and not have to deal with these people. I really hate any type of confrontation, which is something I need to work on.”
“So, was my action too extreme? AITA?”
The OP summed up their predicament.
“The action I took that should be judged is if me kicking her out of my wedding on such short notice was too extreme.”
“I could be the a**hole because it is a snap judgement and we have been friends for such a long time and she did something that she saw as non-harmful and beneficial to her.”
Later the bride-to-be commented:
“I haven’t disclosed the amount to anyone yet, just that it was stolen. Maybe it would change their minds if I did share how much it was.”
“I’m probably going to send a text out tonight with that information and stating that anyone who feels she was justified is free to not attend on Saturday.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She stole from all of you, because J paid for the bachelorette party expenses. She owes you all an apology and if I were her, I would be ashamed to show my face at your wedding.”
“It sounds like your fiancé is well off so they think it isn’t a big deal, so it’s fine. She should get to use it for her benefit, because besties and you have so much, she just took a little bit!”
“But your friends might not be that well off and she made them pay their own way on what should have been an all expense paid week somewhere fun.”
“Kick all those people out.”
“Tell every one of them stealing money, throwing a half-a**ed, not thought out, not planned at all sh*tty f*cking 1 bedroom apartment bachelorette weekend and justifying it by saying well, you didn’t need a huge party-AND I BENEFITTED SO IT’S ALL FINE GET OVER IT? is not OK.”
“The friends that flew in and had to pay for their airfare? She stole from them too.”
“She didnt even care about you enough to do a nice weekend downtown which would be significantly cheaper than a full week. She cared more about stealing from your fiancé than she did to at least do what you wanted instead of the crap she put together.”
“I get the feeling J is well off and makes a good living so M and her mom and friends think it’s OK to take from him because he has more than enough. She’s a mooch and a freeloading a**hole.” ~ Nodramallama18
“Then you really should press charges. She didn’t just steal from you.”
“She stole from your other friends. They deserve their money back.” ~ murphy2345678
“NTA, since she committed a felony the nicest thing you’ve done for her is just removing her from the wedding.”
“Depending on the amount you could press charges, take her to small claims court, etc… I can’t believe your own mom is falling for her deception!!”
“I hope you have a wonderful wedding day, and a great honeymoon!!” ~ splootsaredabest
Some felt the OP owed it to her fiancé and friends to take some action against her thieving family friend.
“Hun, I’m sorry to tell you this…but you’re being a bad fiancée here.”
“Hand waving away 25k of his money, NOT yours, because ‘family friend’ is telling him that his time, dignity, and gifts are ‘not worth fighting about’.”
“His time he spent working for that money. Time away from you, from other important family or people in his life. Or hobbies, or mental health.”
“Dignity, because you’re letting her take this from him. You’re disallowing him from getting it back.”
“You’re ‘unable to handle the backlash’, meaning it’s either he marries you OR gets his money back. That’s not fair OR right to do to him.” ~ TheThiefEmpress
“I’m still pissed that my cousin ‘borrowed’ $10 each from my boyfriend, myself, and a few of my friends without paying us back. That was over 10 years ago.”
“I cut him out of my life because that’s just the kind of guy he is.”
“I think OP should do the same. Ex MOH doesn’t sound sorry. No remorse.”
“She’ll do it again first chance she gets, because she got away with it AND she had a bunch of people back her up.” ~ fidgetiegurl09
“If you do end up texting your bridal party about the amount that was stolen, I would make a point to mention how this affected them too (monetarily). They essentially paid for an event that should have been 100% covered.”
“Not to mention the fact that they aren’t outraged at this on your behalf should speak to the kind of friends you have, sadly. If I were you, take note of who puts up a fuss/gets defensive/downplays it and maybe rethink their friendship.” ~ wigglepie
“OMG that makes it even worse! She stole from all the bridesmaids + your fiancé!!” ~ just1here
“She at least needs to reimburse the rest of the bridal party. I can’t believe she pocketed 25k and so many of your ‘friends’ and family are just shrugging their shoulders.”
“I hope your fiancé has learned to never give anyone in your circle that much money up front.” ~ Second_Breakfast_2
“Wow, so she stole not just from your fiancé and functionally from you since that money could have gone to your household, she also unapologetically stole from everyone in the bridal party because they had to pay for stuff that was supposed to be covered by that money.”
“Your ‘friend’ is a manipulative criminal and needs to go to jail for this. $25k + whatever she took from your bridal party isn’t chump change. That’s grand theft.”
“It’s enough money for a house downpayment or to buy a car outright. She also spread that money around, involving more people in her crime like her own mother and boyfriend.” ~ greentea1985
“Why in the world would you let someone steal 25K from you? You can be nice about it and get them on a payment plan but your complete disregard for the value of your fiancé’s money is alarming.” ~ Dadsaster
“You’ve only known this person since you were 18. That’s only 5 years—cutting a toxic felony committing user from your life after knowing them only 5 years should be simple.”
“People justifiably go no contact with their birth family for far lesser offenses.”
“They were 21 when you met. I’m guessing they’ve been the dominant one in your friendship because you seem pretty passive.”
“This person is not your friend. They’re happy to use you, steal from you, then gaslight you about their misdeeds.”
“If you don’t care enough about yourself, you should at least care about your fiancé, his family and your friends.”
“Don’t make them stand at the altar and in wedding photos with a woman who stole $25,000 and feels completely justified doing it. What’s the benefit of keeping her in the wedding?”
“You make her and other people who don’t care about you or your fiancé happy? You let your fiancé’s family know you’ll let someone steal from you both and keep the thief as your maid of honor?”
“Keeping her in the wedding and as a friend has no upside for you or your fiancé. If you lack the self-respect to do this for yourself, do it for him.” ~ Redditor
Redditors were definitive that the OP was right to remove someone who stole from herself, her fiancé and her bridesmaids and felt no remorse from the wedding party.
If she didn’t do it for herself, she should do it for her fiancé and her friends.
They were also universally agreed that the thief was not—and may never have been—her friend.
The only disagreement was on whether legal and/or criminal repercussions against the thieving former Maid of Honor were a necessity.