Redditor No-Play2091 recently proposed to his girlfriend, but not without some drama.
The Original Poster (OP) had been told by his now-fiancé that she wanted her late mother’s ring.
Her mother had designed it, and her grandparents had kept it for her since her mother became terminally ill.
The drama begins when the OP’s stepmom also wanted her ring to be used for the engagement.
The OP’s fiancé is not close with her stepmom, and had no intention of wearing her ring. However, the OP was confronted numerous times by his future mother-in-law about the ring.
A conflict broke out, ultimately driving the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for telling my fiancée’s stepmother that my fiancée didn’t want her engagement ring after she continuously pressured me to propose with it?”
He went on to explain:
“So I [25-year-old Male] proposed to my girlfriend of 10 years last month.”
“We had discussed getting engaged before and what we wanted that to look like and what we wanted marriage to look like for us.”
“One thing my fiancée, Kaylee, was upfront about was she would love to have her mom’s engagement ring. Her maternal grandparents had it since her mom was terminally ill.”
“She had wanted it saved for Kaylee. And Kaylee loved the idea of having her mom’s ring because it was something her mom designed.”
“She never said I had to. But I knew how much it meant to her. She was also clear that she did not want her dad’s wife’s (aka stepmother’s), Ruth’s, ring.”
“Kaylee does not like Ruth. She doesn’t view her as a stepmother or a real parent to her. She tolerates her because she does not want to lose her dad.”
“But she said she would rather get engaged without a ring than have the one from Ruth.”
“I always knew she didn’t think much of the woman so it came as no surprise to me and I always knew I would turn it down if offered…”
“…even before Kaylee said anything, because her feelings on her were clear.”
“So here’s the issue. I got the ring back in November and started planning the proposal. Around the end of November Ruth was questioning if I had plans to propose.”
“She asked me directly when I saw her one day and I said Kaylee and I had talked about it. She mentioned giving me her ring and I told her thank you but that wouldn’t be necessary.”
“And what followed was a solid 6 weeks of this woman trying to make me take the ring so I could propose.”
“She never even got confirmation that I was proposing. But she was adamant. I started shopping in different stores to avoid her entirely.”
“I thought proposing would be the end to Ruth’s pressure. But she confronted me after the engagement and asked me why I rejected her ring but used the other one.”
“I told her Kaylee dreamed of her mom’s ring. I was then scolded for referring to Kaylee’s mom as her mom.”
“Ruth told me she has been mothering Kaylee since she was 6 and she has been there for her every step of her life since and she would have wanted her ring more.”
“She told me I was selfish for denying Kaylee that.”
“I told her that Kaylee didn’t want her ring, and it should come as no surprise that Kaylee wanted her mom’s ring when her mom has been gone for a long time.”
“Ruth then starts on a rant about how she’s my future MIL and the future grandmother of our children, and I should be careful how I speak to her…”
“…because our kids do not deserve to grow up around such tension.”
“She stormed off and complained to Kaylee’s dad. He and Kaylee talked about it. Kaylee apologized for Ruth being OTT and told me I did the right thing.”
“But some of Kaylee’s paternal family believe I was wrong and that I am helping keep the gap between Kaylee and Ruth…”
“…when in an ideal world, I would encourage Kaylee to be more accepting of Ruth by treating Ruth with more respect and acting as though she’s my MIL.”
“It doesn’t help that Ruth is still saying I was ‘so rude.'”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA”
“Honestly why are there so many posts like this on Reddit? Too many people are trying to force a relationship.”
“You absolutely did the right thing because you listened to your future wife and did what she asked. It sucks that the rest of the family are ganging up on you but seriously?”
“Just tell them that YOU were proposing, and you got to decide how to do it. Their input is neither needed nor necessary in this situation.” – FlyGuy1922
“So this woman has been a stepmother for nearly 20 years, and they still don’t get along. A ring is not going to solve that one, and they’re idiots if they think it will.”
“Prepare for some hectic times ahead. Every little thing a mum would be involved in will wind this woman up. Best to get your fiance to set boundaries now.” – Faexora
“Your fiancé’s engagement ring is about your relationship with each other. Not about her relationship with her stepmother.”
“It’s kind of a shame your fiancee doesn’t just wear her mother’s ring as a ring of remembrance and that you guys didn’t get your own ring as a symbol of your relationship.”
“But using the ring that she clearly cares for and represents so much to her is the never an a-hole move.”
“Her stepmother can cope. Changing rings isn’t going to address the list of concerns other family members have presented to you.”
“You’re going to have an interesting time of things if stepmother’s expectations of you ‘acting as though she’s my MIL’ means you just do what she says…”
“…and in that case you’re much better to stand your ground and do your own thing.”
“NTA” – peonyhen
“NTA you did the right thing with the right ring. And only you and Kaylee get to decide what Ruth gets called by your children. Who says that she will be a grandmother “ – RedGoosey
“Why does the stepmother want to give up her engagement ring?”
“I’m no longer married, but I can’t imagine if I were, that I would want to hand over my engagement ring and live without it for the next 30-odd years or so.”
“Why would anyone do that?” – Mauinfinity-0805
“Geez. Brave for marrying into this mess.”
“With fiancee, ask future father in law to put a stop to this.”
“Because stepmother unhinged.” – 11SkiHill
“NTA – it’s not your job to mend things between your fiancée and her step-mum. It’s your job to stand by your fiancée and have her back – not go behind it.”
“If someone had said that to me, I’d ask them incredulously if they seriously thought I’d take their side over my fiancée’s?”
“Then I’d laugh in their face and tell them they’re delusional.” – Relevant_Turnip_7538
“NTA. As the partner in this situation, your first priority is your happiness and Kaylee’s happiness. Not the mother-in-law’s happiness.”
“You acted in accordance with Kaylee’s expressed desires, which is exactly what you should have done. And man is Ruth a piece of work:”
“‘Ruth then starts on a rant about how she’s my future MIL and the future grandmother of our children and I should be careful how I speak to her…'”
“‘…because our kids do not deserve to grow up around such tension.'”
“She is basically threatening you here. Because you didn’t bend to her will, she is going to make life hell for you as long as you are married to Kaylee.”
“And both Ruth and the paternal family have a screwed-up perspective on your role here:”
“‘I was wrong and that I am helping keep the gap between Kaylee and Ruth'”
“It’s on Kaylee, Kaylee’s father, and Ruth to manage their relationships. You have no role in this, apart from being friend and confidant to Kaylee.”
“I do agree with the extended family on one thing, however:”
“‘I would encourage Kaylee to be more accepting of Ruth by treating Ruth with more respect and acting as though she’s my MIL.'”
“You should indeed treat Ruth like your mother-in-law.”
“Specifically, it’s always a good idea to set firm boundaries with a toxic, domineering mother-in-law, and even to completely cut them out of your life if they refuse to behave.” – EnderBurger
“NTA. I’m willing to bet that Ruth has been a bit overbearing on the mom thing for a while?”
“She’s not your fiancée’s mom. Her mom passed away. Ruth is her stepmother. She had a part in Kaylee’s life, yes. But she is not the mother that Kaylee knew and had taken away from her.”
“And shame on her family for telling you that bs about having Kaylee be more accepting. You can’t force a relationship.” – thundery_crow
Time for the fiancé’s dad to step up.
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