We’re all human here, we all get overly busy, and we sometimes have to take some things off of our plates to be able to get the other things done.
But if we take the wrong things off of our plate, we could send a message to someone we love that we never meant to send, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ksabi15 was preparing for her husband’s and stepson’s birthdays, which took place on the same day, and between preparing for friends to visit for the weekend, the birthday celebration, and all the cooking, baking, and decorating, she simply had too many things on her plate to do before the birthday party.
But when she got a store-bought cake for her stepson instead of making one at home, the Original Poster (OP) saw her stepson’s disappointment and realized she might have chosen the wrong thing to delegate to someone else.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not baking my 19-year-old stepson’s birthday cake this year?”
The OP planned a special birthday celebration for her husband and 19-year-old stepson.
“For the last 10 years, I have annually baked his favorite cake: chocolate cake with fudge icing with chocolate candy on top. He truly loves it.”
“He shares the same birthday with his dad, my husband.”
“This particular year, I was planning a surprise visit from my husband’s close friend for his birthday, and we were doing a whole dinner gathering with family. This meant I had a lot of cleaning and planning to do to prepare.”
“I created the dinner menu around my stepson’s favorite foods, and the food menu was created to make sure he had things he loved because he is a picky eater.”
“Then I made my husband’s requested birthday dessert and spent days cleaning and prepping for the surprise. I decided to save some time for myself and ordered my stepson a chocolate cake with fudge icing from a bakery (still added the normal candy on top of the cake).”
The OP was surprised by her stepson’s reaction to the store-bought birthday cake.
“After dinner, the desserts came out. My stepson was really disappointed about me not making the cake and made me feel really bad.”
“He said he looks forward to it every year, and he loves it so much, and wanted to know how to make it so he could make it for himself.”
“At first, I felt so bad that he was disappointed, and I told him when I had more time the following week, I’d make his cake, but we could do the one I bought for now.”
“He declined eating the cake I bought, and it sat there uneaten for two days (with the exception of the sliver I took to see if it was indeed good, and it was). It was eventually thrown away, uneaten.”
With more time to think about it, the OP decided not to make the homemade cake.
“After some thought and time to unwind after the weekend of chaos and then a week of travel following, I was asked if I was going to make the cake.”
“I decided no, because I felt his refusal to even eat a piece of the store-bought cake was a total lack of gratitude (even though I totally felt bad at first) and didn’t warrant me making the cake, as I feel like it will just encourage additional ingratitude.”
“My husband thinks because I told my stepson I’d do it, I should make it as promised.”
“Honestly, if he had eaten a piece of the store-bought cake and said, ‘Thank you,’ I would have no problem making it, but now I don’t want to.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned by how the OP handled the situation and what message her store-bought cake would send to her stepson.
“You have made it a tradition, and this year chose not to make it. It would have been kind to let him know ahead of time so he would not be expecting it this year.”
“Now you should honor your promise to make it for him. He asked for the recipe so make it together and have some fun together.” – RevolutionaryDiet686
“I think it’s not about the cake, persé. She made something special just for him for ten years. And suddenly, in his eyes, she can’t be bothered anymore. Maybe he’s sad that his childhood is gone now, maybe he thinks she stuck along and played nice until he’s an adult and out of the house. Both message is sad and not conducive to a loving relationship.” – leyavin
“I find it sad. OP apparently doesn’t realize how much the cake means to her stepson, and on top of that, wants to break her promise to him.”
“In my opinion, this is what the stepson was really hurt about: that OP apparently had enough time to make something homemade for his dad but decided to ‘cut corners’ on his special dessert.”
“YTA, obviously.” – SnarkySheep
“The OP planned and shopped and cleaned and cooked. Couldn’t the husband lend a hand, since it’s his son’s birthday, too? If he took one thing off her plate, perhaps she could have had the time and energy to bake and decorate a whole additional cake.”
“I don’t think this merits an AH judgment; I’d say more ESH. Husband for not helping, OP for going back on her promise, and stepson for being ungrateful and not touching the dessert OP (again, not the husband) still found the time to order and pick up.” – ObvAnonym
“Did you tell him you wouldn’t make it? Why aren’t you touched that he enjoys and appreciates what you make him? You said you’d make it so make it with him.”
“As for him not eating the store-bought cake, take it as a compliment. You’re focusing on the wrong thing here.” – AvocadoJazzlike3670
Others agreed and were much harsher in their analysis of the OP’s actions.
“OP, this would be a ‘two wrongs do not make a right’ situation. If you said he was always a brat, that would be one thing. But he obviously LOVES your cake.”
“Was his behavior bratty? Well, yeah. But again, unless this is constantly a problem, give him a pass and be the person who keeps her word.” – FireBallXLV
“Perhaps it was a childish reaction for a 19-year-old, but this cake, made with love by you, is obviously very special to him. Never mind the store cake.”
“But please bake him the real deal, and tell him that you didn’t realize until now just how much it meant to him. Enjoy the cake together.” – TwoFistedThinker
“On my first day of college, on my way out the door, I asked my mom what kind of cookies she was making. She was stunned at my audacity.”
“I reminded her that she baked cookies for the first day of school for everyone. And it may be her last year of baking them, since I was the last one still at home, and I was starting college. They made my scary first days special.”
“So she made me an entire batch of Snickerdoodles (my fav). I got to eat all but three (sharing is caring, especially when I am the only cookie fiend left). It was awesome.”
“Your stepson needs this from you now, OP. Fix it, or YTA.” – DogsNCoffeeAddict
“I’d go as far as to apologize for dropping HIS chosen dessert, but not husband’s when you got busy. At his age, he probably felt like an afterthought, and it hurt his feelings.”
“It was definitely a childish response from a 19-year-old, BUT I always try to remember that reactions come from somewhere. If you have a good relationship with him, it would be worth just saying, ‘I’m so sorry I let time get away from me. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.'”
“Nothing else is needed. No explanation about WHY you skipped it or how you felt when he chose not to eat the store-bought cake. Your reasoning doesn’t matter in an apology. Just ‘I’m sorry for what I did.'”
“I love the answers that say to see if he wants to make it together. Might be good bonding time and then you could talk through all the feelings that happened at the party.” – TechnnologyLower6959
“Reading through this, I was struck by the fact that OP made the decision based on the fact that she was extra busy with her husband’s friends visiting, that she made her husband’s favourite dessert, but ditched the stepson’s.”
“Then she just went ahead and bought the replacement cake without saying, ‘Hey [stepson], I’m sorry to do this, but I’m having some trouble finding the time for your cake,’ or something before she brought out the store-bought cake in front of everybody.”
“It… kinda sends a message that OP clearly didn’t intend to send. Like, now that he’s no longer a minor that they’re responsible for, he’s an afterthought. And yes, as you get older, it becomes normal that your parents (and stepparents) don’t make as much of a big deal about your birthday, but that usually happens slowly, and this may have felt pretty sudden.” – haleorshine
“YTAH. You broke a tradition with no warning. Now you’re breaking your promise to bake the cake with him so he can learn how to make it. You’ve made it clear to your stepson that he’s not a priority for you. If you don’t want him in your life anymore, you have made that abundantly clear.”
“Separately, how often are store-bought desserts used in your household for celebrations? If the answer is never or rarely, I think you have your answer about him not wanting to eat it. I personally hate store-bought cakes. You can taste all the chemicals and oil-based frosting. I know some people love them, but it’s just not to my taste.”
“I make cakes from scratch for my loved ones to show my love. Apparently, you do too, since this was a 10-year tradition and you still did so for your husband this year… but not your stepson.”
“While a 19-year-old is an adult, his brain is still a good six years away from being fully developed. He will make irrational decisions for years to come. He made the decision not to eat the store-bought cake with the emotions of rejection fresh.”
“You had time to think about the decision and rationalize saving time and sacrificed his feelings without regard for what his reaction would be to ending a decade-long tradition with no warning.”
“If you love your stepson and want to continue to be in his life as he grows into a man, you’ll make the d**n cake with him. If you are cool with never being close with him again or having a close relationship with future grandchildren, go ahead and be stubborn and stick to your guns.”
“But speaking as a stepchild, actions speak way louder than words. My stepmom never wanted children, but I came as a package with my dad. She never hesitated to love me or treat me as though I wasn’t wanted. She fought for me. We are closer than ever now, despite being states apart. She’s the one I call for help with decisions even before my dad or mom often. You have no chance of being that for him if you keep making choices like this one.” – Capable_Push4119
After reading the comments, the OP declared that her eyes had been opened.
“Thank you, everyone, for sharing additional insights and stories. I never thought about how it might impact him in a hurtful way, not thinking it meant more to him than what I see on the surface.”
“Many of you talked about having someone special in your home who really made you feel seen, and I can safely say that I am that person for my son much of the time.”
“His mom moved across the country years ago, so his father and I are the ones who show up for him.”
“Everyone here has helped me look at it from his point of view (which is what I needed), to let my frustration go, and to remember my promise to make the cake.”
“We have a plan to do it tomorrow night. I’m also going to show him how to make it!”
“I never thought of myself as a s**tty stepmom before, but this crowd came in hot. I think for me, it’s that I do a lot for my stepson, and I know he knows this, but sometimes I don’t feel appreciated, and this was just the thing that set me off, because I thought he was feeling ungrateful, rather than hurt that I didn’t bake something special for him.”
“I had a human mom moment, but I get it now. I needed to hear and see these comments and stories and get my head out of my butt. It was his birthday, his day, and I could have handled it so much better.”
“Thank you all for your thoughts and honesty. I’m looking forward to baking that cake now.”
The subReddit couldn’t help but side-eye the OP for the choices she made for her husband’s and stepson’s birthday celebration. Even though it was her husband’s friends visiting, equal effort should have been put into both birthday celebrations.
In fact, the fact that the OP’s stepson did not have friends visiting, and he’d just recently gone through a major transition, having graduated from high school, actually made sense for the OP to put more effort in than usual for her stepson.
Hopefully, a freshly baked cake and a shared recipe would put them on the mend.