When and where moms breastfeed has been a hot topic for generations.
A lot of cultural progress has been made over the years, but that doesn't sit well with everybody, especially older generations.
And this difference of opinions can stir up quite the drama.
Case in point...
Redditor ConflictActive222 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for coming to dinner basically topless?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've dreaded posting for a while because I'm afraid I might be the AH."
"But I just gotta know."
"So here goes."
"My P[arents]-I[n]-L[aw] and B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] came to visit and stay for a month with my husband (27 M[ale]) and I (28 F[emale]) after I had my baby."
"For context, if it makes any difference, I'm German, husband and his family are Italian."
"The baby was 3 months old at the time and I breastfed her."
"Usually, I'd just nurse on the couch in the living room, but because the company was staying, I'd go to my bedroom."
"After I nursed her, she'd fall asleep and take a nap, and I'd have some free time."
"Since the family was visiting, I tried to plan her naps around our mealtime to spend time with family uninterrupted."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has this thing that when food is on the table, you be there pronto."
"Sometimes I'd be late coming to a meal because babies can be unpredictable and she wouldn't fall asleep right away or nursed longer than normal."
"To this, my mother-in-law would barge into my room and announce food was ready, all impatient."
"This startled the baby and made the process last much longer than it should have."
"The result is I had to eat much later than everyone else, alone, and the food was cold."
"It left me fuming."
"More work to do with the baby, and I'm secluded."
"This happened several times."
"I asked my husband to talk to her and explain I can't always come on time."
"He talked to her, but she still did all this anyway."
"So I simply decided to stop being late to the dinners."
"The next time she barged into my room and announced food was ready, I came without hesitation."
"I came to the table exactly as I was. No shirt, half a bra, baby hanging on one breast."
"Nothing was seen as the baby's head covered up everything anyway but still) Ensue uproar."
"Goes something like: MIL exclaims what the hell I'm doing at the table like this."
"I'm indecent. There are men at the table."
"I should be ashamed."
"I yelled back. What the hell does she keep calling me to the table for if I'm not yet ready?"
"I have no reason to be in my room alone with my baby while everyone else is out having a great time together."
"Brother and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] are trying not to get in on the argument."
"My husband ushers me back to my room and scolds me, taking his mother's side."
"He says he gets I'm frustrated, but this action didn't help anything."
"But... after that, MIL didn't bother again while I was busy with the baby."
"So what if I came to some meals a little after everyone had started eating?"
"The roof didn't cave in!"
"Anyways, everyone lived happily ever after. The end."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. A well-placed piece of malicious compliance." ~ ThinkingT00Loud
"He also should never have eaten without her."
"He should have kept informed and when OP was close to done with the baby, warmed up food for both of them and ate together." ~ TheLoveliestKaren
"THIS. If anyone is the AH in this story, it's the husband for not taking care of his wife when she's doing everything for 'their, equal responsibility,' child."
"To let his mother bully her and then leave her to eat alone every night is next-level a**holery." ~ theresbeans
"THIS... at both levels. NTA 100x."
"Mother also TA who 'helps out' by cooking but fails to help out one of the main people who she's supposed to be helping - even making it worse by disturbing and disrespecting privacy."
"As a side note, I can imagine several female friends doing similar 'compliance' even without a child to feed if a MIL was so rude as to burst into a room and demand they should come down for food when they were not yet dressed."
"In such instances, I'm personally in favor of topless dinner with full reveal."
"If no nipple was on view, then her accusations of indecency are terrible - there are whole campaigns against this kind of bullying."
"70% of people believe in breastfeeding in public nowadays."
"In some countries, it's illegal to ask a woman to stop or to move somewhere private."
"You certainly can't be prosecuted under indecency laws in most countries." ~ TutsiRoach
"Exactly. I don't even know how MIL got to OP without the husband running interference."
"My marriage wasn't great, but at least my ex wouldn't let his mom barge in on me like that while I was breastfeeding."
"The door is closed, ma'am."
"You are not invited in." ~ SophisticatedScreams
"My FIL once opened the wrong door and saw full frontal nudity at Easter."
"I came out after I had pumped and fed the baby and told him, 'Didn't know you were coming for dinner and a show today, huh?'"
"You could tell he wanted to crawl under the carpet."
"But he still laughed!" ~ Bswmom
"I'd go say far as to say two well-placed pieces of malicious compliance, NTA."
"MIL can f**k off; baby and Mum always come first; they should be grateful you let them stay; I'd have kicked my own family to a hotel down the road and not skipped a beat."
"Those first few months when you're settling into a routine and sleep deprivation can be some of the hardest. You don't need the added stress of a demanding MIL of an Italian momma's boy hubby either." ~ Wtfdidistumbleinon
"NTA. I mean, you were an AH, but only in the best possible way."
"When people are being not only ridiculous but also rude like that."
"I honestly can't think of a better way. Bravo." ~ Suyeta_Rose
"My family-in-law is from Iran and still living there."
"There it's so popular for the younger generation to use formula, that I got scolded by other new moms that I breastfed and 'it's just water, your baby will never be fat, blah blah.'"
"The older generation was so happy with me that I breastfed and my MIL and grandmother-in-law would always be praising it."
"Depends on the culture!"
"But NTA, I was five weeks in Iran, and I breastfed in public in every corner of the country, especially in front of men."
"The family is super patriarchal, but nobody had an issue with it."
"I would definitely breastfeed while eating, always."
"On the streets, the shop owners would offer me their chairs in the back of the shops, etc."
"People were super kind about it."
"The most important thing was that baby got fed!" ~ Helene1370
"To be fair, in some cultures, the motherly empathy around breastfeeding was kind of pummelled out of you by the system of the time."
"My mother was born at the height of the German Democratic Republic (Eastern Germany), and the nurses at the hospital wouldn't ALLOW her mother (my grandma) to feed her outside of the 'normal' (practical for them) 4-hour schedule, even when baby mom was sick to her stomach and almost died of malnutrition."
"The whole 'babies feed when they are hungry'-thing is, unfortunately, very new, generationwise, over here."
"Suffice it to say that my grandma has only recently, with great-grandchildren 4 and 5, started to not be highly anxious about all things pregnancy and baby related."
"It still doesn't EXCUSE MIL ignoring the actual mother in this context, nor does it excuse that coward of a husband, but it explains some of the generational weirdness about certain things." ~ TurnipWorldly9437
"I bow to you!"
"NTA at all!"
"You were forced to eat alone and cold food."
"A mother of (at least) 2 forgot how hard it is to put a baby to sleep?!"
"I don't have kids and I know to be quiet around babies! She is TA."
"After asking to stop her behavior she kept doing?!"
"Again: She is TA."
"You go girl! Have dinner and lunch as you want, your house your rules."
"The guests can move to a hotel if they want!" ~ REDDIT
"NTA! I actually laughed at what you did… that was good!"
"I can't stand my MIL, she's an awful person and I did NC for over a year now."
"She was disrespectful, ignored MY house rules, tried to tell me how to raise my children, AND kissed my baby on the lips."
"She also invited herself over for a week while I was recovering from a c-section and was ZERO help."
"I kicked her out." ~ Curiobizz
"NTA... when you're a guest in someone's house who just had a baby, you are either helpful or you aren't there at all."
"I don't care what your heritage is, you do not get to barge in and take over the house." ~ Fair-Delivery2802
"NTA OMG!!!! You have a husband problem."
"I was a VERY proud husband of a wife who breastfed our son, and I would have crossed swords with any family member who had an opinion about it."
"Breastfeeding should be normalized in public but certainly in YOUR home."
"Sounds like it's time for Mother-in-law to leave, and she can take her overgrown toddler of a husband with her if he doesn't get his responsibilities and loyalties straight." ~ MonarchistExtreme
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You're choosing your baby and her food as your first priority.
Sounds like your husband and you need to have a deeper chat about his mom.
Like a pot of pasta, behavior like this could boil over into a lot of future situations.
Good luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.