When and where moms breastfeed has been a hot topic for generations.
A lot of cultural progress has been made over the years, but that doesn't sit well with everybody, especially older generations.
And this difference of opinions can stir up quite the drama.
Case in point...
Redditor ConflictActive222 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for coming to dinner basically topless?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've dreaded posting for a while because I'm afraid I might be the AH."
"But I just gotta know."
"So here goes."
"My P[arents]-I[n]-L[aw] and B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] came to visit and stay for a month with my husband (27 M[ale]) and I (28 F[emale]) after I had my baby."
"For context, if it makes any difference, I'm German, husband and his family are Italian."
"The baby was 3 months old at the time and I breastfed her."
"Usually, I'd just nurse on the couch in the living room, but because the company was staying, I'd go to my bedroom."
"After I nursed her, she'd fall asleep and take a nap, and I'd have some free time."
"Since the family was visiting, I tried to plan her naps around our mealtime to spend time with family uninterrupted."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has this thing that when food is on the table, you be there pronto."
"Sometimes I'd be late coming to a meal because babies can be unpredictable and she wouldn't fall asleep right away or nursed longer than normal."
"To this, my mother-in-law would barge into my room and announce food was ready, all impatient."
"This startled the baby and made the process last much longer than it should have."
"The result is I had to eat much later than everyone else, alone, and the food was cold."
"It left me fuming."
"More work to do with the baby, and I'm secluded."
"This happened several times."
"I asked my husband to talk to her and explain I can't always come on time."
"He talked to her, but she still did all this anyway."
"So I simply decided to stop being late to the dinners."
"The next time she barged into my room and announced food was ready, I came without hesitation."
"I came to the table exactly as I was. No shirt, half a bra, baby hanging on one breast."
"Nothing was seen as the baby's head covered up everything anyway but still) Ensue uproar."
"Goes something like: MIL exclaims what the hell I'm doing at the table like this."
"I'm indecent. There are men at the table."
"I should be ashamed."
"I yelled back. What the hell does she keep calling me to the table for if I'm not yet ready?"
"I have no reason to be in my room alone with my baby while everyone else is out having a great time together."
"Brother and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] are trying not to get in on the argument."
"My husband ushers me back to my room and scolds me, taking his mother's side."
"He says he gets I'm frustrated, but this action didn't help anything."
"But... after that, MIL didn't bother again while I was busy with the baby."
"So what if I came to some meals a little after everyone had started eating?"
"The roof didn't cave in!"
"Anyways, everyone lived happily ever after. The end."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. A well-placed piece of malicious compliance." ~ ThinkingT00Loud
"He also should never have eaten without her."
"He should have kept informed and when OP was close to done with the baby, warmed up food for both of them and ate together." ~ TheLoveliestKaren
"THIS. If anyone is the AH in this story, it's the husband for not taking care of his wife when she's doing everything for 'their, equal responsibility,' child."
"To let his mother bully her and then leave her to eat alone every night is next-level a**holery." ~ theresbeans
"THIS... at both levels. NTA 100x."
"Mother also TA who 'helps out' by cooking but fails to help out one of the main people who she's supposed to be helping - even making it worse by disturbing and disrespecting privacy."
"As a side note, I can imagine several female friends doing similar 'compliance' even without a child to feed if a MIL was so rude as to burst into a room and demand they should come down for food when they were not yet dressed."
"In such instances, I'm personally in favor of topless dinner with full reveal."
"If no nipple was on view, then her accusations of indecency are terrible - there are whole campaigns against this kind of bullying."
"70% of people believe in breastfeeding in public nowadays."
"In some countries, it's illegal to ask a woman to stop or to move somewhere private."
"You certainly can't be prosecuted under indecency laws in most countries." ~ TutsiRoach
"Exactly. I don't even know how MIL got to OP without the husband running interference."
"My marriage wasn't great, but at least my ex wouldn't let his mom barge in on me like that while I was breastfeeding."
"The door is closed, ma'am."
"You are not invited in." ~ SophisticatedScreams
"My FIL once opened the wrong door and saw full frontal nudity at Easter."
"I came out after I had pumped and fed the baby and told him, 'Didn't know you were coming for dinner and a show today, huh?'"
"You could tell he wanted to crawl under the carpet."
"But he still laughed!" ~ Bswmom
"I'd go say far as to say two well-placed pieces of malicious compliance, NTA."
"MIL can f**k off; baby and Mum always come first; they should be grateful you let them stay; I'd have kicked my own family to a hotel down the road and not skipped a beat."
"Those first few months when you're settling into a routine and sleep deprivation can be some of the hardest. You don't need the added stress of a demanding MIL of an Italian momma's boy hubby either." ~ Wtfdidistumbleinon
"NTA. I mean, you were an AH, but only in the best possible way."
"When people are being not only ridiculous but also rude like that."
"I honestly can't think of a better way. Bravo." ~ Suyeta_Rose
"My family-in-law is from Iran and still living there."
"There it's so popular for the younger generation to use formula, that I got scolded by other new moms that I breastfed and 'it's just water, your baby will never be fat, blah blah.'"
"The older generation was so happy with me that I breastfed and my MIL and grandmother-in-law would always be praising it."
"Depends on the culture!"
"But NTA, I was five weeks in Iran, and I breastfed in public in every corner of the country, especially in front of men."
"The family is super patriarchal, but nobody had an issue with it."
"I would definitely breastfeed while eating, always."
"On the streets, the shop owners would offer me their chairs in the back of the shops, etc."
"People were super kind about it."
"The most important thing was that baby got fed!" ~ Helene1370
"To be fair, in some cultures, the motherly empathy around breastfeeding was kind of pummelled out of you by the system of the time."
"My mother was born at the height of the German Democratic Republic (Eastern Germany), and the nurses at the hospital wouldn't ALLOW her mother (my grandma) to feed her outside of the 'normal' (practical for them) 4-hour schedule, even when baby mom was sick to her stomach and almost died of malnutrition."
"The whole 'babies feed when they are hungry'-thing is, unfortunately, very new, generationwise, over here."
"Suffice it to say that my grandma has only recently, with great-grandchildren 4 and 5, started to not be highly anxious about all things pregnancy and baby related."
"It still doesn't EXCUSE MIL ignoring the actual mother in this context, nor does it excuse that coward of a husband, but it explains some of the generational weirdness about certain things." ~ TurnipWorldly9437
"I bow to you!"
"NTA at all!"
"You were forced to eat alone and cold food."
"A mother of (at least) 2 forgot how hard it is to put a baby to sleep?!"
"I don't have kids and I know to be quiet around babies! She is TA."
"After asking to stop her behavior she kept doing?!"
"Again: She is TA."
"You go girl! Have dinner and lunch as you want, your house your rules."
"The guests can move to a hotel if they want!" ~ REDDIT
"NTA! I actually laughed at what you did… that was good!"
"I can't stand my MIL, she's an awful person and I did NC for over a year now."
"She was disrespectful, ignored MY house rules, tried to tell me how to raise my children, AND kissed my baby on the lips."
"She also invited herself over for a week while I was recovering from a c-section and was ZERO help."
"I kicked her out." ~ Curiobizz
"NTA... when you're a guest in someone's house who just had a baby, you are either helpful or you aren't there at all."
"I don't care what your heritage is, you do not get to barge in and take over the house." ~ Fair-Delivery2802
"NTA OMG!!!! You have a husband problem."
"I was a VERY proud husband of a wife who breastfed our son, and I would have crossed swords with any family member who had an opinion about it."
"Breastfeeding should be normalized in public but certainly in YOUR home."
"Sounds like it's time for Mother-in-law to leave, and she can take her overgrown toddler of a husband with her if he doesn't get his responsibilities and loyalties straight." ~ MonarchistExtreme
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You're choosing your baby and her food as your first priority.
Sounds like your husband and you need to have a deeper chat about his mom.
Like a pot of pasta, behavior like this could boil over into a lot of future situations.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp