Boundaries in all relationships can be important to personal success.
When boundaries are purposefully crossed, it can take a lot of humanity to forgive.
But certain betrayals may be too difficult to forget.
It’s especially problematic when someone is a repeat offender.
How much is one person supposed to take?
Redditor Glittering_Nobody813 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to forgive a friend for stealing from me even though she’s struggling?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F[emale]) collect perfume.”
“I’m also a recovering alcoholic, as is everyone in this story.”
“My ex-friend ‘Bethany’ (30F) also loves perfume.”
“We met in a recovery group and bonded over trading fragrance samples.”
“I own some scents that she loves but can’t afford.”
“Over the years, she’s asked if I’d mind decanting a few for her, and because scents expire and there’s a limit to how much you can reasonably use at a time, in all but 1 case, I happily filled up travel atomizers for free.”
“The exception is Le Labo’s Thé Noir 29.”
“I bought a bottle to mark my first 6 months of sobriety, and it has a POWERFUL association with that achievement for me.”
“When she asked for a sample, I said she could get them free from Bloomingdale’s, but because of the emotional significance of my bottle, I wanted it to last as long as possible.”
“Bethany accused me of gatekeeping and being insecure about anyone else smelling like me.”
“I snapped back that if that were the case, I wouldn’t have shared every other scent I own with her.”
“Later, she apologized.”
“I accepted, and things went back to normal, until I invited her and a few friends over for a movie night.”
“When I walked into my bedroom and smelled TN29, I immediately suspected Bethany had used it, but had no proof, so I held my tongue.”
“Next time we met up, I smelled it on her.”
“I asked if she bought a bottle, but she said she got a sample as I suggested.”
“Something about the way she said it and the look on her face made me sure she was wearing MY perfume.”
“I pulled away and didn’t have her over again until Halloween, when I had all of our mutual friends over and couldn’t exclude her without it being A Thing.”
“Halfway through the night, she went to the bathroom and was gone a long time.”
“When I checked on her, the TN29 bottle was missing from my dresser, and I could smell it through the bathroom door.”
“I said I knew she was stealing my perfume AGAIN, but she claimed she was sick and sprayed HER sample to hide the smell.”
“At this point, our other friends came to see what was happening.”
“I said I didn’t care if she was shi**ing herself, if she didn’t come out immediately, I’d toss her purse in the trash so she could dumpster dive until she smelled just like the garbage friend she was.”
“That finally got her to open up, and sure enough, there was my bottle, emptier than before.”
“When pressed, she admitted she was filling up an atomizer and dropped it, spilling the perfume, hence the strong smell.”
“She cried and apologized, saying she didn’t think it was that big a deal, she was having a hard time, and the smell was comforting, she didn’t think I’d miss just a little, etc, etc.”
“While our friends agree that what she did was wrong, they’re fixated on the idea that she’s struggling, ‘trauma and addiction can make people act up,’ and say I’m a hypocrite if I don’t forgive her.”
“Personally, I just think she wanted MY TN29 BECAUSE it has sentimental value and is using addiction and trauma to manipulate our friends.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“NTA- isn’t the point of sobriety to hold yourself accountable for your jacked up behaviors from addiction?”
“Then why are all of your sober friends giving her behavior a pass?”
“I’m not sober, but I’ve run with a few, and you all seem to want to give people passes out of what you call compassion, but is really just fear that you’ll be judged for your own issues.”
“That’s what your friends are doing right now.”
“A thief is a thief, addict or not.”
“It’s ok not to welcome thieves into your home.” ~ BabalonBimbo
“NTA. She’s stolen from you twice now; this would be a deal-breaker for me.”
“If your other friends want to enable her bad behavior, that’s their choice.”
“Losing your friendship seems like the appropriate consequence.” ~ ladymorgana01
“OP had one line.”
“Don’t touch Le Labos The Noir 29.”
“It was a very reasonable line.”
“Plus, Bethany could have just bought Le Labos The Noir 29 herself.”
“OP shared every other scent with her.”
“Bethany KNEW how OP felt about that perfume, and went into OP’s bathroom to try and STEAL some of that perfume, and ended up spilling the perfume.”
“Bethany was willing to destroy a friendship over a perfume. NTA.” ~ FrostyIcePrincess
“NTA. I love my perfumes too, and not sure if I will actually share any, damn, those bottles are expensive.”
“And mine last for years before they go off.”
“Time to dump her as a friend.”
“You need positive people in your life – not ones who guilt-trip you into filling their atomizers.” ~ OldBoyShenanigans
“NTA. Not only did she steal from you, but she wanted you to KNOW she stole from you when you couldn’t prove it, lied when it was suspected, and only showed remorse when it was finally proven.”
“These behaviors coincide with other mental illnesses, which may be factors that influence her addictive personality, much more so than they do with an addict in active recovery.” ~ Eastern-Waltz1698
“NTA. Part of addiction is taking responsibility for your actions.”
“Any of the friends who gave you a hard time and are also recovering know better.” ~ Spinnerofyarn
“NTA. You’ve already given her two chances.”
“Your friends are welcome to give her more.”
“She has consistently lied to you, knowing how important this was to you.”
“Her apology is that ‘she didn’t think it was that big a deal’ and ‘she didn’t think I’d miss just a little,’ when you’d had clear discussions about that.”
“That’s not an apology.”
“That’s an attempted explanation, and it’s not okay.”
“She needs to own her actions and apologise properly – but even then, it’s up to you as to whether you forgive her.”
“And forgiveness doesn’t have to mean welcoming her back into your home.” ~ embopbopbopdoowop
“NTA. Too grown to be acting like this.”
“A recovering addict doesn’t excuse this behavior.”
“She stole from you, lied to you, and who knows what else.”
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable having her around anymore.” ~ Samashezra
OP came back to chat…
“Wow, I didn’t expect this to get as much of a response as it has, and I want to say thank you to everyone who’s commented.”
“Even if I haven’t replied, I’m reading everything, and it’s helped me make some important decisions.”
“First: I’m cutting not just Bethany but everyone in this friend group out of my life and looking for a new recovery support group to attend.”
“I feel — and the responses here have confirmed — that Bethany’s behavior is manipulative and that she’s been doing what a LOT of people who don’t want to take accountability for their bad behavior do, and twisting recovery/therapy speak and concepts to suit her purposes.”
“I, like many addicts, did plenty of toxic stuff when I was at my worst.”
“I hurt people, and some of them will never forgive me for that.”
“This is extremely painful.”
“I was really sick at the time, and there are days when it feels really unfair, but it’s not the responsibility of the people I hurt to swallow their pain to make me feel better.”
“Just like it’s not my job to swallow mine to appease Bethany and our friends.”
“I’ve been putting in the work for over 2 years now, and part of that work is accepting that I was shi**y and people aren’t obligated to forgive me.”
“I don’t want to be around people whose idea of recovery doesn’t acknowledge every part of that equation.”
“I don’t want to be around people who are willing to enable each other.”
“Second: I’m 99% sure Bethany has some kind of untreated mental illness on top of her addiction issues, and that’s the root of her behavior.”
“She needs help, but that help isn’t going to come from me forgiving her and keeping her in my life when she’s repeatedly demonstrated no willingness to change.”
“Our friends giving her endless passes for bad behavior also isn’t going to help her, and furthermore, it’s not going to help THEM.”
“If they are too far under her spell to see that, that’s really unfortunate, but I’m not going to drown while trying to force them to put on their own life preservers.”
“Third: with all of that said, addiction is an illness.”
“It’s not a moral failing, and it doesn’t inherently make you a bad person.”
“The way people talk about addicts and addiction can be pretty disheartening to read, especially as someone in recovery, and I’d ask people to remember that everyone in this story, including Bethany, is still a human being.”
“I don’t forgive her for stealing my perfume or for lying or for manipulating our friends and trying to manipulate me, but I do acknowledge that whatever’s driving her, she’s not behaving like this because she’s happy and healthy.”
“I hope at some point she gets the help she needs, so she’s no longer hurting herself and others around her.”
“Thanks to everyone who’s replied.”
“This has been kind of overwhelming, but your words have helped me a lot.”
It’s great to hear that Reddit could help you, OP.
It sounds like you are in a very healthy place in recovery.
Bethany’s actions threaten your peace; you can’t allow that.
Putting yourself first is all you can do.
Good Luck.