Having kids and a career is an incredibly difficult balance. And for one guy on Reddit, who is a surgical resident working up to 100 hours a week, the situation has struck up drama with his partner, who feels he doesn't help her enough with their new baby.
He wasn't sure about how he responded to his wife, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by throwawayres1462 on the site, asked:
"AITA for not helping my partner with our newborn?"
He explained:
"I know the title sounds bad, but I'm finding myself in a very difficult situation and I'm genuinely not sure if I'm in the wrong here. I 27M[ale] am a surgical resident, my partner 27F[emale] was a teacher, but is currently a stay at home mother to our newborn child. We met in college and have been together for just over 7 years now."
"Last year she took a pregnancy test after missing her period and found out she was pregnant. We were both happy, but also concerned about taking care of a child. My main concern when we found out was that I could not help out with the child because I work 80-100 hours a week."
"However, we both love each other and did want a family, so in the end we decided to keep the child and that she would take time off of work while I was completing my residency and take care of the kid. I would complete my residency and then, after having somewhat more humane hours would obviously split child caring duties equally with her so that she can also return to work."
"It's been 3 months since our kid was born now and things have been rough to say the least. I'm still working nearly 100 hours a week and am constantly at the brink of exhaustion, if anything my workload has increased since then, as I am now learning how to perform larger operations."
"My sleep is almost non-existent and I'm constantly under intense pressure due to my work environment. Things have obviously been rough for her, too. The pregnancy and delivery were without complication, but it goes without saying that it was still hugely taxing on her mentally and physically."
"Recently, my partner has been asking me to take care of our kid when I get home. Initially I helped her without hesitation, feeling like it was within my capacity and wanting to support her, but in the past few weeks she's been asking more and more of me and a few days ago she demanded I take care of our kid immediately as I walked into the door. I hadn't even had time to take off my shoes yet and when I said 'just give me a second' she told me to 'hurry the fu*k up.'"
"I later learned that she had an incredibly rough day and was just at capacity, but in the moment I was so caught off guard I yelled at her to back the fu*k off. I was too exhausted to deal with it then so I locked myself in the bathroom to take a long shower and calm down. We later talked about what had happened and apologised to each other, but during it she essentially told me that she felt like I wasn't doing enough to take care of the kid and that it was our responsibility equally."
"I told her that I felt like I was already doing more than we agreed on and that I can literally not do any more than what I am currently doing. After talking and arguing about this for about 2 hours we still couldn't come to an agreement and decided to leave the topic for now. So am I the a**hole for not wanting to take on a larger parenting role during residency? Friends I've talked to seem split on the matter."
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And while responses varied, most of them felt that this situation was so difficult, both sides were understandable.
"NAH"
"This is a case of two people drowning and arguing over who has their head up out of the water a few inches more than the other. You have a newborn, are working 100 hours a week and a wife who is most likely so overwhelmed she can't see straight. Both of you are sleep deprived and not in your right mind."
"What you need is HELP. I don't care who said they would do what before the baby came, it's here now and it's not what either of you expected. It's time to start from scratch and use your limited energy to find solutions to give you both reprieve." --homemakinghedgewitch
"This. This right here. No one in this situation is the AH. They're just both exhausted, doing very taxing and demanding jobs/tasks and need help. I know OP said they can't afford help right now, but they both need to figure out something before this tears them apart." --frightfully_disturb
"Agreed NAH. I've been your wife going through my husband's residency. We had to hire a mother's helper for twice a week for 3 to 4 hours, figure out what meet your needs! It saved us both, we had no family where we had moved for residency."
"He is now an attending, we are on our 3rd kid. He has a much more set schedule and can be so much more involved."
"People not in this situation, it's really hard to understand. There is no flexibility in residency. So you guys need to find teammates to help you through this!" --pelopitterpatter
"NAH"
"My spouse and I have twins. They were born in late February 2020, so after the first 3 weeks we had no physical help because of lockdowns. It was rough. My spouse was working full time from home after the first 4 weeks and I was on maternity leave. But two newborns is tough going."
"Before they were sturdy enough that one of us could deal with and feed them both at the same time, we had to take a baby each overnight, every night. There was no spare capacity to let each other catch up on sleep and we couldn't get outside help. They were easy babies, everything else was fine but the sleep deprivation was hellish. Towards the end of the worst of it, I was so sleep deprived I developed paranoia and hallucinations."
"One night in this period, during a wake-up around 1-3am my spouse was really sh*tty to me for no reason. I don't remember what it was about, but they were just an absolute, uncalled-for a**hole. I ignored it and carried on with what I had to do and went back to bed."
"We are normally really kind to one another and have almost never fight or been sh*tty to each other in 18 years together. The next day, they were so apologetic and also thanked me for not escalating. I told them that it didn't even count. When you're that tired and run into the ground, at 2 in the morning, it just doesn't count. That's why I ignored it. I didn't have any energy to spare and I knew they didn't mean it anyway."
"Sometimes no one's wrong and it's just fu*king hard. Listen to the others here and get some outside help." --a_peanut
"NAH..."
"Sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Ask her what specific things are giving her the most trouble, and what would help her most. Are the grandparents actually helpful to her, or are they only taking a sleeping baby during prime bonding time for her, and leaving her to do chores during that time?"
"Sometimes family help really just translates to mom still doing all the childcare and chores with no actual breaks. Sometimes mom doesn't even realize they won't be helpful until after baby comes and she might feel bad telling them so. Depending on the relationship she has with them too they might just be adding stress simply because she has to socialize with them and be "ON"."
"Don't worry about anyone's feelings here but yours and hers, and really encourage her to open up and disclose everything she's feeling. Postpartum hormones are still in a big shift at 3 months, and she might be having ppd/ppa warnings as well."
"Suggestions:"
"Try to make sure she gets 30min-1hr of free time every day to do whatever she wants- not just things that need doing. Maybe she wants an hour long shower, or to do yoga, watch a Netflix show. I know you're exhausted when you get home, but maybe you can shower when you get in, and take baby just for 30 minutes so wife can be free to do whatever without the responsibility of baby on her shoulders."
"Consider hiring an overnight helper or a daytime helper even just once or twice a week. Just being able to get longer than a 5hr stretch of uninterrupted sleep every few days will help her reset and get out of the spiral that sleep deprivation causes. Baby is likely on a feeding schedule right now that is very predictable, and that should make deciding what time/day would be most useful easier."
"If she needs distance from relatives, consider that help from them might be more useful if it were cooked meals or washed laundry. Maybe a couple days a week they still come to help during the day, and maybe they drop off freezer friendly meals and do laundry for you the other days. This is still bonding time for her with the baby, and she might feel like she has to host these relatives. Maybe she's doing chores instead of relaxing when they have baby?"
"Things I struggled with the most as a ftm and had a hard time expressing:"
"Breastfeeding exclusively is very lonely. You're often awake in the dark while everyone else sleeps, and you don't get many chances to do much for yourself because you're tied to baby. Having a newborn made me feel very lonely too, as even just simple trips to the store either weren't possible at all, or exceedingly more difficult."
"I sometimes felt incredibly overwhelmed as I wasn't ever actually alone and couldn't decompress and recharge. No one saw me as a person anymore, just an extension of baby. Try to say hello to your wife directly and ask her how she's doing often. (Look her in the eyes while you do!) It is VERY hard to get past that especially early PP, and it was the hardest time of my life mentally." --potattooed
Hopefully OP and his wife can find a way through this.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp