The phone is a powerful tool.
Everyone seems to be attached.
But the phone can be toxic to human relations.
Sometimes, putting the phone down can change the course of life.
Redditor 1beep2beep wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for taking my B[oy]r[iend]’s phone away?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years.”
“When we first started dating I would ‘lose’ my phone only to find it tucked away in my bag- meaning I hadn’t even taken it out to check it after hours.”
“He used to keep the phone on silent and rarely check it when we were together outside work hours.”
“Rarely would I answer calls apologize for being disrespectful, or call back later.”
“1.5 years ago I had asked for the latest and greatest phone model for work.”
“We both got it.”
“Then I noticed we weren’t talking as much, and eventually, it started bleeding into the weekends and vacations as well.”
“I felt bad.”
“I thought he was working the whole time to help make our dreams come true.”
“I was just lucky I could have set hours, unlike him.”
“I got curious and started briefly looking at what he was doing.”
“It was mostly doomscrolling.”
“He told me he was studying social media trends for work posts.”
“I let it go.”
“Today, there’s an ongoing joke between our peers and employees that you have to say everything at least twice to him because he’s on his phone and didn’t hear you.”
“Or you have to shout it at him like he’s an elderly man whose mind is slipping because he’s on his phone and didn’t understand what you said.”
“The constant inundation of information to his brain for 12+ hours a day (including work) has made his memory terrible.”
“So even if you got him to look up there’s a very big chance he won’t remember.”
“I’ve mentioned that this is unhealthy and I’ve only been met with excuses for it.”
“’I was courting you.'”
“‘You can’t expect me to act like that after all this time.'”
“‘That’s unreasonable.’”
“’This is just the type of sacrifice you have to make to live like we do, it’s for work…’ Etc.”
“The man who once apologized for his phone going off while we were together is now stopping me mid sentence holding up a finger so he can answer a phone call.”
“I snapped.”
“We were at a very exclusive event, and I paid for the tickets.”
“I picked out his clothes while he scrolled.”
“Drove us.”
“And he scrolled the entire time.”
“I took his phone away, and his reaction was similar to that of a feral animal trying to fight out of a cage.
“He called me a psycho and told me I’m controlling.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors have vastly different thoughts on who the A**hole is here.
“ESH. He’s not your child or your student, so you can’t take his phone away.”
“That’s not how you treat an adult.”
“The way you treat an adult who behaves like this is to set boundaries and enforce them.”
“Tell him that you will not spend time with him while he’s on his phone.”
“If it’s an urgent, necessary phone call, of course, he can deal with that, but if he’s browsing, you’re out.”
“And then start leaving the room when he does it.”
“Or just break it off.”
“Someone who wants to behave like this and sees nothing wrong with it makes a pretty lousy partner for someone who doesn’t behave the same way.”
“You don’t ever require a reason to be done with a relationship, but this is a problem that is probably insurmountable.”
“If this is who he is, you need to decide if you want what he’s offering.”
“I sure wouldn’t.” ~ KaliTheBlaze
“He’s an addict who doesn’t want to change.”
“He has no real interest in you anymore.”
“Time to decide if that’s your life.”
“I sincerely hope you think you’re worth more than how he treats you.”
“I would not tolerate someone on their phone at the movies or at a show.”
“How insanely rude.”
“It’s extremely disrespectful to the performers and to the audience who paid money to see the show not a disrespectful AH on his phone.”
“I can’t stand people like that.”
“But he’s not your kid.”
“Taking his phone is ridiculous.”
“ESH time to let him go.” ~ Ok_Expression7723
“OP, your BF is in a relationship with his phone.”
“There is no room for you or anyone else.”
“It’s time to move on from Scrollboy to find a present and grown-up relationship.”
“Good luck.” ~ Reasonable_Bat_3178
“Still you’re YTA.”
“Regardless, you shouldn’t have taken his phone, and if you had given him input and his behavior hasn’t change.”
“Clearly, his picking his phone over you.”
“If you, can’t deal with then leave him.” ~ throwawayeverynight
“YTA but only because you can’t tell him what to do.”
“I get why you’re frustrated and this is a serious situation.”
“Taking his phone away is only going to piss him off.”
“What he needs to do is admit he has a problem.”
“The work excuse is crap.”
“I don’t think he will admit to the problem, so you now need to consider your options.”
“Do you continue to put up with it?”
“Do you ask his family to do an intervention with you to get him to see that he has an issue?”
“Or, do you save up some money and make your escape?”
“You’ve put in so much time and effort into him, and he is no longer returning that effort using work and the money he makes as an excuse.”
“Healthy relationships mean couples are always courting each other because they like to.”
“Married couples still have date nights.” ~ goldenfingernails
“YTA. He’s addicted.”
“It’s an epidemic.”
“It sucks, and it’s brutal to watch people waste their lives staring at their devices, doomscrolling and fishing for validation on social media while the people around them wonder what they can do.”
“It’s the worst when it’s parents ignoring their children except for when they’re using them as content.”
“But he’s an adult.”
“You’re not his mother, his teacher, or his boss, and it isn’t your place to take away his stuff.”
“Good luck working it out. Better luck finding someone in this day and age who will balance their time between their devices and their family.” ~ Changoleo
“NTA and I’m shocked at all the YTA comments.”
“Almost as if they didn’t read anything in your post.”
“It seems like you’ve tried to communicate with him, and there’s an actual running joke amongst people you both know, so it’s not just a you guys thing, but it’s obviously affecting everyone else in his life too.”
“He’s got a serious problem and needs help. Unfortunately, you probably can’t help him.”
“If you guys aren’t able to reach a compromise or if he’s not willing to get help or make changes, might be time to evaluate your relationship and think about whether you’re willing to live the most of the rest of your lives together like this.” ~ lightinmydark
“ESH. Your boyfriend is addicted to social media/the internet/the stimulation of his smartphone.”
“He is getting all his dopamine from it, he refuses to recognize it, he lies about it, it’s impacting his relationship(s), and he made it clear he has no intention of changing at this point.”
“This is cognitively and behaviorally what happens when people get addicted to the constant stimulation of apps/internet/smartphones.”
“I’m sorry this has happened to him and to you.”
“Treating him like a child won’t help, nor will letting your frustration erupt, as it did when you took his phone from you.”
“You really only have two good options here: tell him that you can’t stay in the relationship while he is addicted to his device and ask him to treat this with the seriousness it requires by getting professional help and see if he tries, or don’t give him the opportunity and just end it.”
“He is getting all his needs met WHILE being addicted, so he has no reason to change.”
“He MIGHT be successful at the very hard work of changing if he can…”
“1) recognize that his behavior is causing real problems in his life…”
“2) accept that he needs outside help to deal with the behavior, and…”
“3) seeks, accepts and commits to help.”
“Aside from these options, you’re stuck being frustrated and doing all the work of the relationship yourself.”
“He’s made that very clear.”
“Now it’s up to you to accept it.” ~ Impossible-Action-88
“ESH. He TA because won’t decrease his phone time even though he knows it’s bothering you.”
“YTA for taking his phone away because at the end of the day, he’s a grown man and you are treating him like a child.”
“You can plead, you can ask, and you can raise concerns, but telling him what to do and essentially confiscating his phone won’t do the relationship any good.
Have a real conversation with zero judgment about your concerns for his well-being with the phone addiction.”
“If he can’t take that seriously after it, then that’s a different problem altogether.” ~ SkepticCroissant
“I’m going with slight YTA.”
“I’m on my phone for most of the day. Never once has my boyfriend ever taken my phone away like that.”
“If you take anyone’s phone away, of course, they’re going to be upset.”
“Also, did he actually want to go to the “exclusive event,” or are you just making him?”
“Have you actually had a conversation or are you expecting it to just stop?” ~ RaineMist
“NTA. He is addicted to the phone.”
“He is getting micro-doses of dopamine non-stop.”
“That’s why he went crazy when you took the phone away.”
“It’s not as bad as being a junkie because it’s a cheap habit and won’t drive him to crime or bad health, but you need to understand you are now less important to him than that phone.” ~ Comfortable-Web9455
“NTA. Your BF is exhibiting signs of device addiction.”
“You’re going to have to set boundaries because he won’t, like he can check his phone after dinner and before bed for 5 minutes each, but otherwise it has to be put away and silenced.”
“He’s going to be upset just like an addicted person would be if you took his substance away.”
“You might lose him entirely because he might choose the device over you.”
“No matter what, you can’t have kids with him if he thinks this is ok.” ~ Pkfrompa
“ESH- you all are on very different pages.”
“The question is: are both of you willing to communicate with each other and work together to find options that will work for your relationship?”
“If so great!”
“Yall can both give a little and both take a little and find some options together.”
“If both of you are not on the same page and one or both of you are unwilling to work together- there is no one that is wrong or correct.”
“You are simply at different places and want different things more than working together to find solutions.”
“If the relat”ionship doesn’t end now, it will end eventually because y’all will start parenting each other.
“Once that happens resentment and separation grows.” ~ GivMHellVetica
“ESH. You for taking his phone away. Him for having an addiction and not realizing it.”
“Yes, it’s an addiction.”
“Therapy might help, but if he’s unwilling to be present in his life, and by extension, yours, it might be time to take a break.”
“See if he notices you’re not around.” ~ BustAMove_13
The advice is all over the map, OP.
You two need to put down the phones and have a serious chat about boundaries and expectations.
Good luck.