When two parents make the decision to separate, they still make every effort to remain on at least cordial terms, for the sake of their children.
For the same reason, they will also still try to remain friendly with their in-laws, and vice-versa.
Of course, the pain and hurt which led to the separation or divorce is hard for either party to forget, which can sometimes make staying friendly a difficult task.
Redditor OrdosDeluxe had recently separated from his wife but agreed to bring their daughter to her cousin’s upcoming birthday party, for the sake of the child.
Noticeably absent from the party was the birthday girl’s father, and when the original poster (OP) learned the reason he wasn’t in attendance, he made no effort to keep it a secret from anyone else.
Something his ex-wife and sister-in-law [SIL] later scolded him for.
Wondering if he did anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling everyone why my BIL wasn’t at his daughter’s birthday party?”
The OP explained how sharing the real reason his former brother-in-law (BIL) wasn’t at his daughter’s birthday party with other guests ended up getting him in hot water.
“I (37 M[ale]) have recently separated from my wife (37 F[emale]) for a multitude of reasons – but the one at the top of the list is her prioritization of her best friend/SIL (she married the brother) in all aspects of her life.”
“I’ve drawn a hard line on having no communication, except for childcare arrangements, and so far that has been working.”
“She contacted me about my nieces upcoming birthday party (SILs daughter), and if I would be OK bringing our daughter (it was my week with her).”
“The kids love playing with each other, and I didn’t think it was fair for them to miss out just because I might feel awkward about it.”
“We went along, and everything was fine.”
“I avoided SIL and my ex as much as possible, and mingled and socialized with the other parents.”
“I eventually got talking to one mum, who made a comment that blew my mind.”
“When I got to the party, I noticed that BIL wasn’t there ( nieces dad).”
“I had overheads SIL tell people he was working (which sucks, but fair enough).”
“But when I spoke to this mum, she cracked a joke about how BIL owed SIL flowers, because both of their husbands were actually away golfing that day.”
“This mum was obviously unaware that SIL was telling people something else.”
“For the rest of the party, whenever I was mingling and anyone brought up something along the lines of ‘shame BIL is working’, I immediately corrected them and told them where he actually was.”
“The rest of the party went fine, but I later got an angry phone call from my ex who who told me I had ‘blabbed’ to SILs boss about things, and how they were ‘disappointed’ in their parental priorities.”
“I snapped back that it was a complete joke that BIL skipped his own daughter’s birthday party to go golfing, and that they SHOULD be ashamed.”
“After the call, I did feel a little guilty.”
“I messed with SILs boss, and may have done so because of prior resentment I have for SIL.”
“As much as I hate her, I wouldn’t want her to lose her job or anything like that, but I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided on where they felt the OP fell by revealing where his former BIL was.
Some felt that the OP hadn’t done anything wrong, as he was simply telling the truth, and found it shameful that his former BIL chose golf over attending his own daughter’s birthday party.
“I can’t understand why her husband not going to their daughters party would cost SIL her job.”
“That sounds ridiculous to me and honestly the employer is crackers if that’s the case.”- notdorisday
“Was it a petty revenge?”
“Yes Do I like this?”
“Considering your previous post(i came across them a long time ago) no doubt u don’t like ur SIL.”
“Her husband is def an AH as he can’t even bother to attend his daughter’s birthday.”
“Who misses their kids’s birthday for a round of golf?”
“I wouldn’t lie to cover for anyone who does this.”
“He deserves all the shaming he’s getting.”
“Hope it was worth it.”- too_much_whisky
“No he shouldn’t have missed the birthday.”- im_a-dumba**69
“Guy decided to golf instead of going to his child’s birthday so he deserves to be named and shamed.”
“Also, not usually happy when people leave their spouses but remembering your previous posts I am happy to see you are finally making your happiness and your daughter’s happiness the priority.”
“Good riddance to the ex but maybe don’t rock the boat for co-parenting purposes.”-Awkward_Un1corn
“How you’re being called an a**hole for not participating in her lies is outrageous.”- kegspluskats
“I was always told that if somebody ask you, you tell them the truth, you didn’t lie, you didn’t make up anything.”
“It was just the truth, plain and simple.”
“You didn’t even bring it up to begin with.”- Elloluv1944
“I know I’ll get downvoted and I don’t care.”
“Clearly other people knew so the truth would come out eventually.”
“As they say, everything comes out in the wash.”
“Your SIL was gaslighting everyone into thinking her relationship is so good with a working husband when in reality it’s not that great if he’s golfing instead of celebrating with his daughter.”
“What I don’t understand, what does the boss have to do with anything?”- Traditional_Weird_84
“You told the truth.”
“The hard thing bout telling the truth people will always say it wasn’t your place or your petty.”-Bitter_Animator2514
While others felt it there was no need for the OP to share this info, even if they still were horrified by his former BIL.
“ESH but mostly you.”
“Hubby shouldn’t have missed the party, but we don’t know anything about the situation.”
‘You suck for running your mouth when it was none of your business.”
“You wanted to be petty and took it out on him.”- gusbus200
Then there were those who felt, no matter where his former BIL was, the OP was completely in the wrong for sharing, finding his actions deliberately petty, and going against his own “no contact” agreement.
“You drew the line at no communication and yet you couldn’t resist stirring the pot when it was your turn.”- namesaretoohardforme
“You know you were petty.”- WillowMinx
“Do you even care about your daughter at all?”
“Do you realize that the more acrimonious you make your separation and divorce the more she’s going to suffer?”
“Why would you gleefully pick such a petty fight as this when it’s going to create an argument and more fighting that will eventually hurt your own child as collateral damage?”
“You really need to grow up and get over yourself.”- lionne6
“I’m laughing here coz you couldn’t wait to break your ‘hard line’ when you learned something you can use against someone you actively hate.”
“I could understand if you had been truthful if the statement was made as a question pointed at you (like- where’s BIL?) but you butted in when they were making statements to correct them.”
“PS: The BIL is an AH too, but him being a deadbeat doesn’t give you the right to air their dirty laundry to others.”
“You should have left them to sort their sh*t themselves and just stayed out of it.”- Material-Paint6281
“YTA your BIL is the one who should be ashamed for prioritizing his golf game over his family.”
“All you did was humiliate your SIL and air someone’s private business because you were feeling spiteful.”- BmoreArlo
“It was 100% none of your business.”- WaywardMarauder
While a few didn’t know where they stood, finding the OP’s intent unclear.
“If OP had no idea this was SIL’s boss then definitely NTA, if it was done with intent then YTA.”
“But all in all OP sounds reasonable as he prioritized his daughter’s wellbeing over himself being comfortable at niece’s birthday party which says a lot about someone.”
“And I agree 100% with OP what respectable dad/husband goes golfing on his own daughter’s birthday.”- Good_Listener101
It’s hard to imagine any parent would choose to play golf over attending their daughter’s birthday party.
That being said, it’s equally hard to imagine how the OP didn’t think this would get him in trouble with his ex-wife, seeing how close she was with her SIL.
True, perhaps the OP didn’t think he was causing any harm.
If he was being deliberately petty, however, one can only hope he’ll adequately reflect on his actions.