It’s difficult adjusting to a massive change in your life. The scarring and damage done by a violent accident can be a lot to get used to.
But with the help of your friends and family, it is something that can become a piece of you that you control, and not the other way around.
Redditor throwaway-card- suffered exactly that kind of situation. However, her mother seems less than supportive of accepting and moving on.
So the original poster (OP) asks the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit if her reaction to her mother was appropriate.
The question is:
“AITA for refusing to sign a family holiday card where my mom ‘erased’ my disfigurement?”
“This happened a while back, but I (16F) still get disapproval over it.”
“A year ago, I was involved in a car accident that left me with scarring and third degree burns, including on my face. It’s very noticeable, to the point where it draws people’s attention when I’m in public.”
“Getting used to it was really hard, but I got through it.”
“Now, my family has an annual tradition of sending holiday cards to people. We always take the same photograph for the cards – the whole family gathered in front of the fireplace, waving and smiling. And we all sign the cards and sometimes add personalized messages.”
“The problem came last year, when my mom excitedly showed me how the card came out.”
“I looked at myself, and instantly saw that she must have… photoshopped in my face from before my accident. There was no disfigurement at all.”
“She asked me if I was happy with how it turned out. I was just upset and confused, and might have gotten emotional. It made me feel like she didn’t accept what I looked like now.”
“My mom was hurt by my reaction, saying she was sad I didn’t appreciate her paying to get my appearance ‘fixed.’ She said this would be better for me, as it wouldn’t lead to people raising questions when they received the card from us.”
“(Not everyone we send the card to knows about my accident, since it includes acquaintances and clients from my parents’ work.)”
“I said that it would be even weirder if we kept sending cards with my old appearance, and then people would get shocked when they saw me in real life. But also, I didn’t want to hide what happened to me or pretend it didn’t happen.”
“My dad said he understood where I was coming from, but that it would be easier to appease my mom as she had meant it as a nice present to me. My brother (20m) was even more upset than me and I heard him loudly arguing with my parents late at night.”
“In the end, my brother and I both refused to sign the holiday cards that were sent out.”
“This was significant because we usually wrote long messages to some family members and friends.”
“When the cards got sent out, I think it led to a lot of questions, though they didn’t share the details with me. All I know was my mom said the cards didn’t ‘perform well’ and ‘caused drama,’ and how she was disappointed my brother and me refused to sign the cards.”
“My mom still brings it up all the time, and my brother left after the holidays so I feel like no one’s on my side. Was I the a**hole for not signing the cards?”
Judgement on AITA comes from one of a few different ways.
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board determined that OP was not in the wrong for refusing to sign the card.
“NTA! The card “didn’t perform well”? Unfortunately it sounds like your mom may be more shallow than mine.”
“Dad also sounds similar to mine in that he’d rather appease your mother’s poor behavior instead of taking the time and energy to stand up to her. I can only hope your mother’s anger at you and your brother is misplaced anger at herself for acting so… I can’t settle on just one word.” – Cartman55125
“NTA. If *you* wanted to photoshop the pic, that would be one thing. But your mom did it without asking you. That’s wrong, and you’re in your right to find it hurtful.”