Redditor Background_Cause7103 has the unique experience of not only being a twin, but being the surviving member of that duo.
The Original Poster (OP) lost their twin brother hours after they were both born, so they never got the chance to get to know him.
The OP's mother understandably had a tough time with her baby boy's passing, and ever since the angel baby's birthday was celebrated alongside his twin sister's.
However, now that the OP is days from being 17-years-old she's realizing that she wants the celebration to be all her own.
This has caused a bit of a moral conundrum, driving the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to share my birthday with my dead twin anymore?"
She went on to explain:
"[16-year-old female] here, soon to be 17 in 3 days. I was a twin. My brother died hour's after birth. He was 5 minutes older than me."
"I was told my mother went into deep depression, but with help got better over time."
"I've watched videos of my birthdays from 1-6 year old, and me sharing my birthday with my brother has started at my 1st birthday."
"There's always that 5 minutes of remembrance in honor of him, and instead of having one candle on my cake there will be an extra or extras for him."
"For example, if I was 1 year, there will be 1 for him or if I was 2, then they would add another 2 and so on."
"As a kid, I didn't really understand or minded, because I got to blow out extra candles."
"When I was 8, I did question it and they told me it was in remembrance for my brother since we share the same birthday."
"This carried on until my 16th, that I didn't get to celebrate, because I ended up in hospital."
"My grandpa showed up at the hospital while I was recovering with a gift and wished me and only me a happy birthday. After he left, I realized, I loved that he only acknowledged me."
"I realized, I didn't want to keep sharing my birthday with my brother. But then I felt guilty. I did try and speak to my parents about me just me celebrating my birthday this year. But I was brushed off."
"Now we come to what happened 4 days ago and my grandpa, who is the official cake maker in my family, asked what type of cake did I want?"
"I told him and added firmly with only 17 candles please. My parent's were in the next room and immediately they came in demanding to know what I was doing?"
"That I should know that the other 17 candles were for my brother and I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am."
"I can't remember everything that was said but there was a lot shouting with me and my parent's and grandpa and me getting told that I'm selfish and I need to stop being self-centered."
"Grandpa left with me. I've at his house since the big fight."
"I've been crying alot and Grandpa been here for me, but I feel so guilty and to need to ask AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA."
"Your parents need to find another way to grieve their lost child. Your birthday should be your celebration, not their occasion to memorialize their grief."
"They need to be able to celebrate you -- their living child -- and find another way to memorialize your brother a different way." - Independent-Length54
"NTA - your parent's needing to grieve is understandable but they're going about it the wrong way. Your feelings are completely valid and I agree with everything you write."
"Your birthday cake should be for you."
"Not particularly similar, but I'm a twin and we always got separate cakes. I wouldn't have wanted to share a cake with my twin on our birthday and we were in the same room." - thejackalreborn
"NTA"
"Your parents haven't gotten over the tragic death, and they can't put you on the spot EVERY YEAR OF YOUR EXISTENCE … this borders on unhinged."
"What will they do at your graduation?"
"Your wedding?"
"They need therapy and I'm glad your grandfather has given you a safe space."
"A happy 17th birthday to you" - DblAytch
"NTA. Your parents have never thrown you a birthday party. Every party was a funeral for their golden child."
"You're just the also ran. Every year, they use you to throw themselves their annual pity party."
"The only thing they're celebrating is their poor parental heartbreak. Your birthday has absolutely nothing to do with you or your deceased brother."
"Time for you to refuse to participate in their morbid funeral rites."
"Find some friends and actually Celebrate your birthday for the first time." - AdOne8433
"NTA"
"This ghost-baby-birthday bullshit is abusive. It should have never happened, let alone for the years and YEARS it did."
"Your mom needs to sort her feelings out such that she can put this ancient trauma to rest."
"'I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am'"
"Worse, he was never really here. Your parents are mourning lost potential, rather that celebrating your actual existence." - StAlvis
"Oh honey... No. YOU are not the one who's being selfish here. Your parents absolutely are, and this is not healthy."
"You are absolutely NTA to want your parents to focus on you for once in your life without putting an asterisk on your life." - EndielXenon
"I understand this, I share a birthday with my grand aunt, who I never meet, she died before I was born, but she was apparently everyone favorite."
"She's always mentioned on my birthday and it's seriously annoying and hurtful. NTA"
"P.S Here a Happy birthday for your up and coming 17th birthday 🎂" - ActuaryAncient2356
"NTA - Difficult situation to navigate."
"Remember, your parents have a right to grieve and remember, you have a right to have a birthday party that is just for you."
"Say you want to have your birthday party at your Granddad's house, if they want to do something seperate on the same day, that is up to them…"
"…you might even wish to join, but the party is the party and it's yours not theirs." - finite_perspective
"NTA... I am a twinless twin. My brother passed when we were 19. I may carry him in my heart and think of him, I have not had a joint celebration."
"If you need someone to talk to, my dms are open" - SebrinePastePlaydoh
"NTA, and you're not selfish but your parents are and have been for your entire life."
"Losing a child is an unimaginable pain, but forcing a child who has no memory of or connection to a sibling to 'share' their life is cruel and sick."
"They should have been in therapy until they could find a way to grieve without dragging you down." - Ok_Childhood_9774
"NTA"
"Your parents are grieving and you need to understand that it's a grief that will never go away. But they should not be hijacking your birthday every year to let themselves grieve."
"Your parents are selfish. They need to learn how to grieve separately from your birthday, and if they want to honor him they need to do it in their own way. Away from your birthday celebration."
"My sister lost her son, he was stillborn, on my dad's birthday, about 18 years ago. She never fails to bring it up on my dad's birthday."
"It always kills the mood and leaves a dark cloud over celebrating my dad. It has lead to a lot of difficult celebrations, and some where she was excluded on purpose."
"I don't blame my dad at all, of course he'll always remember the day he lost his first grandchild, but he doesn't need his birthday ruined every year because of it." - samk2487
"NTA. Birthdays are meant for the living, not the dead. Your parents need to let go of what was and could've and focus on what is right in front them."
"A daughter that may very well cut ties with them if they continue down this road." - Old_Inevitable8553
"NTA, my friend lost 1 of her twin boys to SIDS, it is absolutely devastating HOWEVER even 7 years later she celebrates the boys birthday with a visit to the cemetery…"
"…and then a party for the living child. As a parent you can't discount 1 twin just because the other can't celebrate." - Crafty-Skill9453
"I can understand maybe the first few years when you didn't know any better and didn't understand what was going on."
"But when you turned 8 and started questioning it, that's when it would've been a good time for your parents to find another way to celebrate his life."
"When you're at the age to understand that birthdays should be about you only, that's when your parents should've started changing things."
"Nta. Don't feel bad for your birthday to be about you."
"Your parents are the ones being selfish and kind of lazy at this point." - Equal_Push_565
Happy birthday, OP.
We hope your parents can find another way to honor your twin and celebrate you on your special day. Both are important, and both deserve to be honored.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp