Looks aren’t everything.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not okay to spruce up a detail or six.
Just ask Cher and Dolly Parton.
So when one is given money to pay for the detailed work, is it ok to add limitations?
Money as a gift usually is meant to come with no strings.
But there can always be personal boundaries.
Case in point…
Redditor Evening-Lie-6215 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I gave my mom $15k but said she couldn’t use it on a tummy tuck?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My mom (60 F[emale]) has always wanted 3 things: nice teeth, a nose job, and a tummy tuck.”
“She gave up a lot when we were kids.”
“When I (30 F) was in high school, she gave up the money she had been saving for her own Invisalign so I could get it.”
“I also accidentally broke her nose when I was in high school because we were moving a heavy dresser and I dropped my end of it and it ended up hitting her in the face and breaking her nose.”
“It didn’t necessarily heal badly, but she doesn’t like it.”
“She also has always joked that she’s wanted a tummy tuck because ‘I ruined her body’ since I was the first kid.”
“I just got a great job with a sign-on bonus of $15k and I want to give it to my mom for Christmas to do the things she’s always wanted to do.”
“However, I don’t want her to get a tummy tuck.”
“It’s a major abdominal surgery and has a significantly higher complication rate when compared to other plastic surgeries.”
“I can’t imagine anything happening to my mom as a result of this procedure, especially if I was the one to pay for it.”
“I can’t stop thinking about how Kanye West paid for his mom’s tummy tuck and then she died.”
“I told my siblings of my plan and they said I can’t put stipulations on the money I give my mom.”
“My sister says I’m controlling and policing my mom’s body.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So WIBTA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP would be the A**hole.
“YWBTA, if you’re going to give her money you will have no control when she spends it.”
“Just get her like a card that says ‘Teeth’ and say you’ll take her to sign up or buy Invisalign and pay for it.”
“Then on her B-day take whatever is left and do the same but the card says ‘nose job’ and you go to the plastic surgeon.” ~ sharp-Yarn
“Jeeze. Just paying for her Invisalign is enough.”
“As a parent, it’s her responsibility to care for her kid’s teeth.”
“I hate this ‘You owe me for giving birth to you’ BS and honestly it shouldn’t be rewarded.”
“If she wants plastic surgery, she should save up for herself.” ~ asecretnarwhal
“YWBTA. You can’t gift cash with restrictions.”
“Just don’t gift it.”
“Perhaps you can set up accounts directly with specialists in rhinoplasty and whatnot.” ~ StAlvis
“YTA. If you give money, or anything else, it is the recipients, to use as they please.”
“If anything, get a gift certificate for Invisalign, it’s a way to direct the money without telling her how to use it.”
“Invisalign, or braces, depending on the recommendation of the orthodontist, is the least invasive of the 3 things she wants.”
“Both the nose job and the tummy tuck are significant surgeries, with more potential for complications, and should be done only if directed by a doctor.”
“And you presumably know a good local orthodontist from when you were treated.”
“You can probably arrange to have the orthodontist bill you directly, especially if you have an established relationship.” ~ Jazzlike_Humor3340
“YWBTA, but giving her cash isn’t the only option.”
“There are YWNBTA options that would achieve the same goals.”
“Your gift could be paying directly for the thing (braces and/or corrective surgery on her nose) instead of giving her the money outright.”
“I find it sad that all her wants are for things about her appearance.”
“This culture is too focused on women’s looks when there are so many more important things.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding on the nature of a gift you’re giving.”
“That’s your prerogative as a gift-giver.”
“But if the gift is cash, the nature of cash is that it can be spent anywhere. Her choice.”
“Cash with restrictions is called a gift card.”
“If she wants a tummy tuck because she has serious weight problems, you might consider getting her a consult with a bariatrician NOT a plastic surgeon.”
“I am somewhat appalled that she blames you for ruining her figure or for the financial sacrifices parents make every day.”
“She gave up a lot of things when you all were kids? No s**t.”
“It’s called being a mom.”
“Although it’s nice to want to help out, and you should if you want to, you do NOT owe her anything for raising you.”
“She decided to have children.”
“You were not consulted. It’s not a debt.”
“If she ever made you feel guilty for that, she was very much in the wrong.”
“That was not okay.”
“You need to look out for your own financial security also.”
“If you don’t already have a 3-6 months wages saved in an emergency fund, that $15K needs to go there.”
“You could lose this job, become disabled, have a large medical expense, or have your car die on you.”
“You need to make sure you have a safety net for yourself before even considering paying for cosmetic procedures for anyone.” ~BellPsychological447
“YTA… you can’t give someone a Christmas gift and then tell them how and when to use it.”
“What you COULD do, however, is offer to pay for one of the procedures specifically as a gift.” ~ coppeliuseyes
“YWBTA. You can’t give someone money as a Christmas gift and put that kind of stipulation on it.”
“Your siblings are 100% right.”
“If you give her $15k, then its her 15k to do what she wants with it.” ~ ChiltonGains
Some Redditors had another idea…
“NAH – your heart is in the right place.”
“You can ask her not to do the tummy tuck, but you can’t actually give her conditions.”
“Just tell her your fears and why and ask her to use it for the other two things instead.”
“But if she does the tummy tuck, she does the tummy tuck.” ~ mujeresliebres
“NTA. A vanity surgery that might kill someone is not something you have to sponsor.”
“And you and others are breezing past the ‘you ruined my body bit’ but there is some unhealthy stuff going on there.”
“I personally would tell her what you will foot the bill for and have her send you the bills.”
“And you can absolutely give people money/gifts with conditions.”
“‘You deserve it’ or ‘Here is money in the form of a gift card so you can only spend it here.'” ~ pgpathat
“Wow. These comments are ridiculous.”
“No, you’re NTA for not wanting your aging mother to have a risky procedure that you’d feel guilty for if you were involved and something bad happened.”
“Find a tactful way to say what it’s for, or get the procedure prepaid at a well-regarded doctor.”
“Jeepers, this question is not an attempt to control anyone, but to avoid hurting someone.”
“Take them with a huge grain of salt.” ~ obnoxious_pauper
“YWBTA. Do NOT give your mother the signing bonus.”
“Seriously, what is wrong with you?”
“Those things your mother did, she did them because that was her obligation as a PARENT.”
“You need to put that money in the bank as your savings account in case anything happens to you or your job in the future so that you have money to live on.”
“You did not mention how old you are, and it is nice that you want to give away all of the money you just got to your Mom, but it is not responsible or logical.” ~ kimariesingsMD
“A gift isn’t a gift if it comes with strings.”
“She’s not going to die from it just because Donda did; that’s a correlation, not causation.”
“Give it, or don’t, but if you give it with restrictions YTA.” ~ UnhappyTemperature18
“YTA But not a lot; you’re just worried for your mom.”
“Let her go talk to the doctors and see what they say.”
“She can use the money for that or whatever else.”
“You can always say now you gave her the money to do it even if she doesn’t do it.”
“And hey, just because some people don’t do well with an operation, how many millions of operations happen every year that DO go well?”
“She’ll be fine.” ~ chromiaplague
“YWBTA – a gift with conditions isn’t really a gift, it’s a power trip.” ~ vividri-volkov
OP came back with an update.
“She has to have some additional work done on her teeth before she could get the Invisalign.”
“So that much money can only cover either the Invisalign OR the nose job and I honestly don’t know which one she wants more.”
“I feel weird only giving her half of something (ex-full Invisalign + half the price for a rhinoplasty) so that’s why I wanted to let her have a choice.”
“But I think for now I’ll just stick with giving her a check for Invisalign specifically until I can figure something else out.”
“I called the orthodontist and put down a deposit for Invisalign!”
“I will invest the rest and do something fun with it next year!”
Well OP, Reddit, has spoken.
People understand your concern, but a gift is a gift.
It sounds like you found a plan that works though.
You’re a good kid for caring.