Redditor aita33EH567 is a 25-year-old male who suffered a major loss and sought professional help to cope with his grief.
During a holiday gathering with his family and relatives, he made a shocking discovering during a conversation about the tragedy in the family.
He was infuriated and responded in a way that made him feel guilty afterward.
So he sought the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit, where he asked:
"AITA For kicking my brother-in-law out and reporting my therapist?"
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"Let me explain. Even though I don't like to talk about it. I (male) 25 was involved in an auto accident (I was the one driving) and lost my dad who was with me at the time."
"I had untreated PTSD for nearly a year. I couldn't speak about it to anyone. My sister got me in therapy 2 months ago because she said that I needed it."
"This is our first holidays without dad and I wasn't intending on doing anything this year but the family decided to come and spend time with me. My aunt, my cousin and her kids, my sister and my brother-in-law, and my mom."
"My brother-in-law started bringing up the accident in detail exactly the way I'd describe it like he heard it from me and the number of sessions I've attended so far."
"Brought up the name of my therapist and asked if he's the one I've been seeing. Then he started asking me how I'm doing/if my therapy sessions are benefiting me or not/and telling the exact time I got into therapy."
"And then casually said that I shouldn't tell people that I feel responsibility for what happened implying that I told my therapist that."
"I was taken aback I asked how he knew all that. My sister said she didn't tell him and I didn't tell anyone."
"My brother-in-law looked confused when he noticed how upset I was and said that it was a 'coincidence' the therapist happens to be one of his friend's brother."
"He's known my therapist for 5 years and that's how he knew since his friend said my name sounded familiar. I was shocked."
"Everyone was looking at me and my aunt started talking about me 'telling everyone' about the accident."
"I was so infuriated I found myself lashing out at my brother-in-law and he started talking about how I need to deal my anger issues disregarding that he told the entire family about my sessions."
"After arguing with him and listening to him blaming me for how I reacted. I ended up telling him to leave. My sister sided with him then they both left."
"My aunt defended him and said that I shouldn't have yelled at him and hurt my sister's feelings. That he was just worried about me."
"I was so mad especially when they all started guilt tripping me and berating me for what I did."
"I sent my therapist an e-mail telling him what happened after I couldn't get a hold of him and mentioned that I will be reporting him and file a complaint against him for disclosing information without my consent."
"So far I haven't heard from him and what bothers me is that I'm not close with those people and hearing them gossip about me like that is not okay."
"My brother-in-law has always been like this but it never occured to me that he'd do this. The family said I ruined dinner for them and that I overreacted and was lashing out at everyone for no reason. I feel terrible."
"They said they gathered to comfort me and I caused a scene."
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA - You're The A**hole
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
NAH - No A**holes Here
"NTA - I'm sorry this happened to you. You're not the a** at all."
"Your therapist violated your confidentiality and that's a very serious thing. Report them and let them suffer the consequences. Focus on your betterment and it doesn't matter what others say. You didn't ruin Christmas."
"I really hope you're able to find peace someday." – dusktildawn9
The OP responded to the above comment.
"I know my brother in law he's always disrespecting my boundaries and to even think about him talking to people about personal stuff like that is incredibly infuriating."
"And they tell me that I need to control my anger. They're blaming me for how I reacted and they still have no idea that I'm now having an issue with my therapist."
Redditor dusktildawn9 continued to support the OP and offered suggestions on how to move forward.
"I also have family like that so I keep minimal contact with them personally."
"I believe your anger is justified. I don't believe that emotions should be bottled up and suppressed. Feel what you need to feel."
"What your therapist did was illegal and you probably signed contracts at the beginning on the sessions about confidentially. Contact the boss if there is one, and the licensing place where the therapist is located."
"If they did this w you - there's chances they did this with other clients as well. Notify your doctor and ask them to refer you to someone else after explaining the situation."
Others siding with the OP offered their two cents.
"You could write your aunt and sister an email outlining why toy reacted so negatively. They might not understand the utter breach of trust that slammed into you today. Writing us good because if you get too upset, you can take a break and come back to it."
"Regarding your therapist, nail his a** to the WALL. His employer, his licensing board (check for both professional and state licenses), online reviews, etc. Use bullet points and detail everything your BIL knew, when he was told, etc. Be precise and factual with these. If you want any help, LMK!" – captain_paws_tattoo
"INFO: is your BIL involved in computers / networking in some way that he is able to read the therapist's notes? It sounds really odd that one of the things he knows (talks about with?) is the exact time that you checked in to therapy."
"That little nugget makes it sound like he's reading notes, because I can't see any way that the therapist would say, yeah he checked in at 4:58 pm. (I am a social worker so I know a bit about these things)."
"You absolutely should report the therapist; that person should know better by now. If you're in the United States you're required to get HIPAA training every year or two." – floridianreader
"So sorry your family is blaming you, the victim, and telling you your very-much-justified reaction is unjustified. How would your family feel if you chummed up to their doctors and tried to get at their health information?" – INFP4life
"NTA. Your therapist definitely should be reported and hopefully lose their license. Therapists should never be sharing their clients' names, much less going into detail about what the clients are sharing with them."
"The people who 'ruined' dinner are the people who 'decided to spend time with you' and then did not stop your BIL from deciding to share what is going on with your therapy to the rest of your family."
"You rightfully wished that your privacy be valued, but he couldn't be bothered to show you that respect."
"The person who 'ruined' dinner was your BIL, and everyone who sided with him." – Thriftyverse
The OP replied to Redditor Thriftyverse.
"You're right. Part of me believes he did it on purpose."
"This isn't the first time he gets involved in personal matters and I'm not sure if he shared with other friends and how long they've been gossiping about what I've experienced."
"I believe (like you) that he did it on purpose as well."
"But please remember; The person most to blame in this situation is your therapist. If I am understanding the timeline correctly, your sister found you a therapist (who just happened to be related to your BIL's friend)."
"Then the therapist mentioned your name to your BIL's friend, and this led to the therapist sharing a bunch of information about you with BIL and BIL sharing it with the rest of the people at dinner."
"Understand that there is a very, very narrow set of circumstances where a therapist can ethically share the fact that you are their client, not even mentioning anything about your therapy, and someone being related to you isn't one of them - unless you yourself have given written permission for that specific relative to be apprised."
"You didn't do that."
"If the therapist had not been disclosing, there would not have been a problem."
Overall, Redditors believed the OP was NTA and that his anger was warranted.
And while many people believed the brother-in-law was out of line and was considered the real culprit for "ruining dinner," the therapist was viewed as the bigger A**hole for violating the OP's trust.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp