There are few situations where it might be acceptable to say someone else’s name: while dreaming and while in the hospital.
But if the person who says the wrong name refuses to talk about it later, though, it starts looking suspicious, cringed the uncomfortable “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ill-Firefighter-7196 wasn’t sure what to think when her husband not only called his mother before her when he was in the hospital, but when his ex-wife couldn’t be there, he went into a panic.
When she tried to talk to him about it back home, the Original Poster (OP) was reprimanded for being insecure.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for making my husband’s accident about myself?”
The OP was surprised at her husband’s behavior after he had an accident.
“My (26 Female) husband (29 Male) got into an accident a few weeks ago while on his way home from work, and was rushed to the hospital.”
“My mother-in-law called me and told me he was almost dying, and I freaked out.”
“When I got there, the doctors told me he kept asking for his ex, and that they had to sedate him because he wouldn’t stop freaking out because she wasn’t there.”
“I thought it was okay since the car crash was so bad, but the doctors told me it wasn’t.”
“He fractured his legs and there was a minor fracture in his arm. And he wasn’t on any drugs either. He was saved from serious injuries, especially his brain.”
The OP brought up her concerns after he returned home.
“I let it go at that moment because his health came first, but now that he’s home and recovering, I can’t help but be bothered by it.”
“I brought it up last night (3 weeks after the accident), and he went off at me, saying I don’t know what it feels like to be in that position and that I made his misery about me.”
“He said I don’t understand the dynamic between them and what they had, so I should stop bringing it up.”
“He said that this wasn’t about me, and that he was allowed to ask for her since he was hurt and she would calm him down.”
“Then he texted his mother who berated me over it. She says my main priority should be caring for him until he’s back on his feet.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to think or do.
“A part of me wants to be petty and leave and tell him to call his ex and ask her to take care of him instead.”
“What should I make of this situation? I’ve been taking care of him and catering to all his needs, and I haven’t even gotten a single thank you.”
“Am I the a**hole for bringing it up?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP had asked a perfectly reasonable question.
“It’s absolutely a fair question, something I would’ve laughed about if it were me, so his hostility is completely unwarranted. And to top it off: You weren’t making it about yourself, you were making it about what HE said.”
“He didn’t ask you to put this conversation off for a later time because he needed to recover, he was mentally prepared to have the conversation and to try and flip this on you so he wouldn’t have to examine himself or provide you with an answer.”
“NTA. His response clearly shows he’s trying to victimize himself and made no attempt to even say it wasn’t intentional, showing no regard for OP’s feelings while trying to make her believe she had no right to even think or question this situation.”
“OP could’ve had no insecurity and just been curious/found it funny, but he point-blank got defensive and turned it around on her just for asking.” – EphDuEmeStRal
“I mean, who could just forget about something like this? Nobody.” – GroundbreakingPhoto4
“NTA. You brought it up after waiting an appropriate amount of time. He dismissed you and then went and tattled to his Mom, who yelled at you.”
“Both his dismissal of your feelings and bringing his mother into your personal business to shame you are HUGE red flags.” – Ok-Succotash7483
“I don’t know if he’s still in love with her, but that should be a real concern, along with him not ‘being’ with his ex, but wishing he was and/or having fantasies about her.”
“Honestly, I don’t think I could have waited 3 weeks to bring up what the h**l he was thinking of calling out for and then freaking out about his ex.”
“Yes, he was in pain (depending on how badly his legs were broken and which part, that can be excruciating, so I’ll give him that), and yes, he was probably a scared little boy (which at 29 doesn’t say a lot for his maturity level)… but his current wife is supposed to be his actual love and comfort.”
“The fact that OP wasn’t in his mind (not even in second place, since he had hospital call his mommy first), OP should be concerned and I don’t fault her for asking.”
“From at least how OP wrote it in her post, she wasn’t making it about her, she was curious of the ‘why.'”
“NTA, OP don’t let him turn this all around on you.”
“At his moment of need, his thoughts were with his ex, not his current wife. That’s deeply odd, and you should be concerned.” – sailingisgreat
“Letting this fester is not going to help anyone in the long term. So it does need acknowledging eventually whether now is the best time to bring it up.”
“Things to consider.”
“In his moment of crisis, you were not the person he wanted. To the point that he got hysterical about his need for his ex. You should probably consider couples counseling once he is on his feet again.”
“You are entitled to be really upset. Which is why you are NTA. This reaction could suggest you were and still are the compromise wife because he could not have the one he actually wanted… which would mean your marriage is a lie because he hasn’t forsaken all others.”
“He is several weeks out of hospital you don’t say how bad his injuries are. Are we talking a non-complex broken leg or post-emergency internal abdominal surgery… It makes a difference.”
“If he is sitting on the sofa with his leg/arm in a cast watching Netflix with a bell so he can ring for more snacks he can have the conversation. If he is in bed drugged up to the eyeball bruised from head to toe barely able to get himself to the lavatory then now is absolutely not the time.”
“Ultimately, I suspect you are going to find there is always a reason for him to avoid this conversation and I suspect most of them will Centre around how unreasonable you are being to bring it up… This is potentially a trust breakdown depending on how he chooses to deal with it in the future will give you a lot of answers.”
“Good luck! Your feelings are valid don’t let anyone tell you they are not. It’s an enormous slap in the face. You may need to bide your time for a bit though.” – Whitestaunton
Others were concerned about how adamant the husband’s affections for his ex were.
“If he’s not seeing her, he wants to be. This man is still in love with his ex. NTA, OP, but you might want to reconsider this marriage.” – paingry
“I’m sorry, this is just terrible. Are you sure they aren’t still seeing each other? Him being so angry no one would call her that he had to be sedated feels really off.” – crazykatmom
“Let’s not forget that the doctors attending him told OP that he was alright and his injuries were not that serious but he still was screaming for his ex to the point that he had to be sedated.”
“He didn’t call for his wife. He called for his ex over and over again… Then his mother.”
“OP doesn’t even get into the equation.”
“TBH (to be honest), OP, you are nothing more than a nurse and maid to your husband.”
“If his ex decided to go back to him, I bet he would dump you in a blink of an eye. And his mother would have his back.” – Grumpy_Turnip
“Notice that he also apparently called Mommy FIRST, and OP got the call from her MIL, not from her husband.”
“Not only that, but MIL went into a whole ‘he’s dying’ thing instead of reassuring her daughter-in-law, ‘he’s okay, but he’s been in an accident.'”
“Both hubby AND his Mommy are drama queens.” – ThaneOfCawdorrrr
“I actually had to scroll back up and re-read the post, because the fact that the husband called his mom first made my brain mentally rewrite ‘boyfriend’ where OP actually wrote ‘husband.'”
“His wife is next of kin, not his mother.”
“Unfortunately for OP, she ranks somewhere behind Mommy and the ex in his affections.” – DiVitreousHumor
“I was in an accident a couple of years ago. I had a fractured eye socket, a concussion, and multiple face lacerations.”
“The first person I made them call as soon as I was conscious was my husband.”
“I’m sure OP’s husband was in a ton of pain, but I still can’t find any reason under the sun where it would be acceptable for him to ask for his ex so adamantly unless he suffered a pretty severe brain injury.” – tinypurplepiggy
“Why would you ask for an ex at a time like this if you aren’t still with them?”
“I would be doing some sleuthing to get to the bottom of this. When people go on the defensive like this, that usually means they are hiding something.”
“If my husband was asking for someone other than me or his mom at the hospital, I would be a little suspicious.” – TypicalAd3575
The subReddit completely understood why the OP would ask about something like this and honestly thought it was better to talk about it than to let it fester.
But after seeing the husband’s reaction, the subReddit also wondered what she was doing, living in third place in her own life and marriage.