When our feelings are hurt, sometimes it’s hard to tell if the other person hurt us deliberately or if our own insecurities are the cause.
One wife on Reddit wondered if her reaction to her husband hurting her feelings was reasonable. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor throwaway_56327 asked:
“AITA For publicly emasculating my husband?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So, let me start off with saying that I had a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer when I was 28 years old. We found out when our son was 6 weeks old that I had to have a hysterectomy.”
“My husband (47) had let it be known to me multiple times that he really wished that we could have another child. This has left me feeling like less of a woman.”
“Now being that I’m 43 years old, I’m very sensitive to being in my 40s. It’s very important to me that I am still desirable to my husband to make up for not being able to give him another child.”
“So, I make sure that I stay in shape and follow strict beauty routines to preserve my youthful look for him (no heavy alchohol, no smoking, lots of sunblock and moisturizer along with other daily skin routines, excersizing and eating healthy etc).”
“So, this was before [the pandemic], him and I were out with three other couples at a charity function cocktail party. We were all having a conversation when one of our friends said something about a 70 year old guy at the party with a date that looked like she was in her early 20s.”
“Which led to an amusing and funny conversation about how some older men chase after the 18 to 20 year olds.”
“I lightheartedly quipped ‘Those older men only go after 18 to 20 year olds because they think those girls are inexperienced and that said girls don’t know any better’. We all had a good chuckle.”
“My husband then goes into ‘Mr. Know-it-all mode’ and says ‘Well actually, biologically, it makes sense that older men go after the younger 18 year olds because their bodies are more fertile and capable of having more children than a woman in her 30s or 40s’ (our friends know about my history with cancer and how I can’t have children).”
“I felt insulted and embarrassed. It made me feel old, barren, past my prime and undesirable at that comment.”
“It also reminded me of my inability to have children. And to me it sounded like my husband was relating to the old men that lust after ‘fertile’ 18 year olds.”
“So, I remained poised and collected, although I was shooting daggers with my eyes at him. I said ‘Hm. I suppose then that the reason why a lot of older women or “Cougars” prefer younger 18 to 20 year old men because those men are more virile and have more stamina than some guy in his 40s who needs Viagra in order to keep it up’.”
“Might I add that my husband needs Viagra and has a prescription for it. Well, the car ride home he said I emasculated him.”
“I’m sure I did, but AITA for it?”
Ordinarily Redditors would weigh in by declaring the OP was:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
But this time the most popular response from Redditors was a 5th voting acronym: INFO.
“INFO: What the hell kind of marriage is this? Do you two even like each other?”
“NO, this is NOT what ‘long term marriages look like’. Go get therapy.” ~ itsnevernotrandy
“This sounds like a horrific marriage, honestly.” ~ Cmdrlavellan
“I wouldn’t even want to be friends with people like this, let alone married to one of them.” ~ itsnevernotrandy
“Seriously I can’t imagine how f’king awkward it was for the other couples to watch them clearly expose each other’s business in front of everyone…..” ~ Chuusouul
“Yeah I can guarantee everyone else now knows that he uses viagra…” ~ Gakad
“They’re that couple you see in movies that makes the main two characters question relationships midway through the movie, with one of them saying ‘I don’t wanna end up like X and Y’.” ~ LandShark4567890
Although some Redditors did have strong feelings about the couple and who was the a**hole.
“OP your husband is a misogynistic creep and I hope you seriously consider divorcing him.”
“NTA.” ~ JohnBltz
“Child mortality was really high until recently, because we have vaccines now. So people would have 5 kids to end up with one. Maternal mortality was high as well. ‘Really old’ meant ‘in your 40s or older’.”
“Fewer pregnancies but more children living past 5 means the days of ‘Og need young woman for breeding!’ are over and it’s a red flag to me for men to be saying things like this.”
“NTA but maybe get a divorce if he won’t let the infertility thing go. He’s not the heir to the Tudor dynasty.”
“There will be no renewal of the Wars of the Roses if you don’t produce a spare male heir. If you really want more kids, adopt, divorce, or chill.” ~ mongoooses
“Not sure I would go as far as saying she was justifiably upset. Not every sentence her husband says is a direct remark on her.”
“What he said was pretty thoughtless, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he wasn’t thinking about his wife’s infertility at all and was just making casual conversation.”
“OP is clearly insecure about not being able to have children and not being in her 20’s anymore. Viewing anything that reminds her of those insecurities as some kind of deliberate slight is on her.”
“She then decided it was perfectly fine to do the exact same thing to him. ESH.” ~ JDK002
“YTA. You ‘lightheartedly quipped’ some catty bullsh*t and got mad that your husband responded with his actual opinion on the matter so you decided to personally insult him.” ~ GrayManGroup
After reading some of the comments, the OP later added:
“No one knows he’s using Viagra. I did not tell them he’s on it.”
“Also, he only mentioned wanting more children in a melancholy way occasionally for about a year after my surgery. Once I told him how him saying it [made me feel, and how I feel about the whole subject in general, he felt sorry and apologized and stopped telling me it.”
This update gave Redditors a new perspective.Â
“YTA, to be honest it sounds more like he was just sharing some thoughts on why older men may like younger women rather than relating to them.”
“Your update says he mentioned wanting more children occasionally and for the first year, but yet you’re getting hurt over something he let go of ~14 years ago.”
“His comment might’ve been insensitive, but you told the other couples private information about him, he’s right to feel hurt by you.” ~ thisbeasnazzyname
“I mean, if you tie the comment to all the strict work OP has to do to stay ‘youthful’ and ‘desirable’ for him I feel like his comment was malicious.”
“Also, no older man goes for 18 year olds ‘to procreate’. They do it because they’re pervs.”
“So saying that does sound like a jab at her for her not being able to have children.”
“Either way, the relationship dynamic is awful and they both sound exhausting.” ~ MrsMacguire
“YTA. Your husband has been with you 15 years since the hysterectomy, no reason to think his comments were directed at you.”
“You gave your opinion and get mad when he gives his? Wow.” ~ TampaWes
“Both comments were more hurtful to each other than anyone in the group thinks. If anything his comment likely would hurt you more socially since the couples know about your cervical cancer and hysterectomy.”
“Whereas, no one knows for sure he is taking Viagra, though they may suspect now.”
“Regardless, the marriage sounds toxic. Seems neither of you communicate and just put on a show for social events.” ~ kaismama
OP didn’t get the clear moral judgement on their behavior like most who turn to AITA, but they did get plenty of feedback on their relationship dynamic.
Whether that is helpful to them is up to them to decide.