When our feelings are hurt, sometimes it's hard to tell if the other person hurt us deliberately or if our own insecurities are the cause.
One wife on Reddit wondered if her reaction to her husband hurting her feelings was reasonable. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor throwaway_56327 asked:
"AITA For publicly emasculating my husband?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, let me start off with saying that I had a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer when I was 28 years old. We found out when our son was 6 weeks old that I had to have a hysterectomy."
"My husband (47) had let it be known to me multiple times that he really wished that we could have another child. This has left me feeling like less of a woman."
"Now being that I'm 43 years old, I'm very sensitive to being in my 40s. It's very important to me that I am still desirable to my husband to make up for not being able to give him another child."
"So, I make sure that I stay in shape and follow strict beauty routines to preserve my youthful look for him (no heavy alchohol, no smoking, lots of sunblock and moisturizer along with other daily skin routines, excersizing and eating healthy etc)."
"So, this was before [the pandemic], him and I were out with three other couples at a charity function cocktail party. We were all having a conversation when one of our friends said something about a 70 year old guy at the party with a date that looked like she was in her early 20s."
"Which led to an amusing and funny conversation about how some older men chase after the 18 to 20 year olds."
"I lightheartedly quipped 'Those older men only go after 18 to 20 year olds because they think those girls are inexperienced and that said girls don't know any better'. We all had a good chuckle."
"My husband then goes into 'Mr. Know-it-all mode' and says 'Well actually, biologically, it makes sense that older men go after the younger 18 year olds because their bodies are more fertile and capable of having more children than a woman in her 30s or 40s' (our friends know about my history with cancer and how I can't have children)."
"I felt insulted and embarrassed. It made me feel old, barren, past my prime and undesirable at that comment."
"It also reminded me of my inability to have children. And to me it sounded like my husband was relating to the old men that lust after 'fertile' 18 year olds."
"So, I remained poised and collected, although I was shooting daggers with my eyes at him. I said 'Hm. I suppose then that the reason why a lot of older women or "Cougars" prefer younger 18 to 20 year old men because those men are more virile and have more stamina than some guy in his 40s who needs Viagra in order to keep it up'."
"Might I add that my husband needs Viagra and has a prescription for it. Well, the car ride home he said I emasculated him."
"I'm sure I did, but AITA for it?"
Ordinarily Redditors would weigh in by declaring the OP was:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
But this time the most popular response from Redditors was a 5th voting acronym: INFO.
"INFO: What the hell kind of marriage is this? Do you two even like each other?"
"NO, this is NOT what 'long term marriages look like'. Go get therapy." ~ itsnevernotrandy
"This sounds like a horrific marriage, honestly." ~ Cmdrlavellan
"I wouldn't even want to be friends with people like this, let alone married to one of them." ~ itsnevernotrandy
"Seriously I can't imagine how f'king awkward it was for the other couples to watch them clearly expose each other's business in front of everyone....." ~ Chuusouul
"Yeah I can guarantee everyone else now knows that he uses viagra..." ~ Gakad
"They're that couple you see in movies that makes the main two characters question relationships midway through the movie, with one of them saying 'I don't wanna end up like X and Y'." ~ LandShark4567890
Although some Redditors did have strong feelings about the couple and who was the a**hole.
"OP your husband is a misogynistic creep and I hope you seriously consider divorcing him."
"NTA." ~ JohnBltz
"Child mortality was really high until recently, because we have vaccines now. So people would have 5 kids to end up with one. Maternal mortality was high as well. 'Really old' meant 'in your 40s or older'."
"Fewer pregnancies but more children living past 5 means the days of 'Og need young woman for breeding!' are over and it's a red flag to me for men to be saying things like this."
"NTA but maybe get a divorce if he won't let the infertility thing go. He's not the heir to the Tudor dynasty."
"There will be no renewal of the Wars of the Roses if you don't produce a spare male heir. If you really want more kids, adopt, divorce, or chill." ~ mongoooses
"Not sure I would go as far as saying she was justifiably upset. Not every sentence her husband says is a direct remark on her."
"What he said was pretty thoughtless, but it's not out of the realm of possibility that he wasn't thinking about his wife's infertility at all and was just making casual conversation."
"OP is clearly insecure about not being able to have children and not being in her 20's anymore. Viewing anything that reminds her of those insecurities as some kind of deliberate slight is on her."
"She then decided it was perfectly fine to do the exact same thing to him. ESH." ~ JDK002
"YTA. You 'lightheartedly quipped' some catty bullsh*t and got mad that your husband responded with his actual opinion on the matter so you decided to personally insult him." ~ GrayManGroup
After reading some of the comments, the OP later added:
"No one knows he's using Viagra. I did not tell them he's on it."
"Also, he only mentioned wanting more children in a melancholy way occasionally for about a year after my surgery. Once I told him how him saying it [made me feel, and how I feel about the whole subject in general, he felt sorry and apologized and stopped telling me it."
This update gave Redditors a new perspective.
"YTA, to be honest it sounds more like he was just sharing some thoughts on why older men may like younger women rather than relating to them."
"Your update says he mentioned wanting more children occasionally and for the first year, but yet you're getting hurt over something he let go of ~14 years ago."
"His comment might've been insensitive, but you told the other couples private information about him, he's right to feel hurt by you." ~ thisbeasnazzyname
"I mean, if you tie the comment to all the strict work OP has to do to stay 'youthful' and 'desirable' for him I feel like his comment was malicious."
"Also, no older man goes for 18 year olds 'to procreate'. They do it because they're pervs."
"So saying that does sound like a jab at her for her not being able to have children."
"Either way, the relationship dynamic is awful and they both sound exhausting." ~ MrsMacguire
"YTA. Your husband has been with you 15 years since the hysterectomy, no reason to think his comments were directed at you."
"You gave your opinion and get mad when he gives his? Wow." ~ TampaWes
"Both comments were more hurtful to each other than anyone in the group thinks. If anything his comment likely would hurt you more socially since the couples know about your cervical cancer and hysterectomy."
"Whereas, no one knows for sure he is taking Viagra, though they may suspect now."
"Regardless, the marriage sounds toxic. Seems neither of you communicate and just put on a show for social events." ~ kaismama
OP didn't get the clear moral judgement on their behavior like most who turn to AITA, but they did get plenty of feedback on their relationship dynamic.
Whether that is helpful to them is up to them to decide.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.