Doing someone a favor is a wonderful thing.
It can bring about great euphoria when you can bring joy to others.
But sometimes that joy is tainted because certain favors weren’t thought all the way through.
Case in point…
Redditor Interesting-Put9563 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for being upset my wife offered to have my sisters baby without discussing it with me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“OK a little background.”
“My sister is 40, wife and I are 38.”
“We already have 4 children.”
“My older sister has had fertility issues her entire life.”
“She was lucky to have 1 kid out of her 10 pregnancies.”
“It’s not her egg or bio son, but she carried him to term and is her kid.”
“But every attempt since then even with donor eggs, IVF, multiple cycles have failed.”
“My sister is on her 10th Dilation and curettage procedure today.”
“And apparently told my wife about it 2 days ago when I wasn’t there.”
“About how her OB told her she would need a surrogate, and that it costs upwards of 60k for it.”
“So my wife volunteered on the spot.”
“She told me all this today.”
“I was upset.”
“I explained I didn’t think that an offer like that should be a unilateral offer.”
“That there are risks to pregnancies.”
“She’s already 38, its a semi weird situation to be in.”
“She would need to take off work, I would need to take off work to help with our 4 kids more, expenses, prenatal care etc.”
“And that should have been a discussion between the two of us before making an offer.”
“It was then explained to me that we would obviously talk about it before she did it.”
“But an offer to do it isn’t a decision to do it, and really it’s her body.”
“And she’s always wanted to do this for someone and help bring a child into this world to someone who can’t.”
“And maybe one of her purposes in life from God is to do this for someone, and she wasn’t sure why I was angry.”
“I explained that I didn’t think making unilateral offers like that was fair, and every time we’ve made the decision to have a kid was a joint discussion and plan.”
“And to me an offer and decision is the same.”
“And if my sister and her husband talk, decide they want to, that then puts me in a terrible position to be the a**hole to say no, and we should have talked before making the offer.”
“She then said she’s doing this for my family and its demeaning of me to assume she wouldn’t be able to handle another pregnancy.”
“That she carried all our kids and worked the whole time even with our twins (10 years ago) and I was demeaning her.”
“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”
“Am I being an a**hole for being upset we didn’t talk before she made an offer?”
“Am I being a *ick and making an offer and deciding to do so are two different things?”
“I know it’s an amazing selfless thing to offer.”
“I feel terrible for my sister, co-signed some loans so she could borrow money for more transfers.”
“We’re all very close.”
“And I know my wife is being very generous and selfless, and I don’t even know that I would say no to my sister.”
“But I think it deserves a discussion first.”
“And to me an offer and discussion are the same thing.”
“And I feel disrespected for not being involved prior to her offering, like my opinion doesn’t matter.”
“Offered on the spot to do it for free.”
“Not to try and make money off my sister.”
“But I’m being told I’m wrong.”
“What are your thoughts?”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA her last pregnancy was 10 years earlier a lot can change in that time.”
“Going though with this effects you, your kids, finances.”
“She should have talked to you first.”
“She is risking her life and forcing you to take care of her during this pregnancy when you have no say in it.”
“That’s not ok.” ~ Lady_Ellie119
“This! First, she should never have made that offer without discussing with you first.”
“Second, pregnancies get harder as you get older.”
“I had 4 very easy pregnancies with absolutely no complications.”
“With my 5th when I was 39, I almost died and my daughter was in the N[ewborn] I[ntensive] C[are] U[nit].”
“Third, I am not a doctor, this is purely anecdotal, but I’m pretty sure pregnancies from I[n] Vi[tro] F[ertilization] are harder on women’s bodies.”
“Lots of my friends had issues, and I had a labor and delivery nurse tell me pretty much every IVF pregnancy they’ve seen has ended up with complications.”
“Not always terrible but lots of preeclampsia and the like.”
“Pregnancy already throws your body out of whack enough as it is, and ‘tricking’ it into pregnancy upsets the hormonal balance even further.”
“Again, I don’t know science and am purely repeating what I’ve witnessed and what I heard.” ~ Sufficient-Ad3400
“NTA. If your wife wants to do it great, but if she won’t discuss it with you and is going to make a unilateral discussion then she should expect zero help from you.”
“And should continue to do 100% of what she currently does around the house/with the kids.”
“No extra support because she is pregnant with someone else’s kid.”
“If you sister wants another kid so bad she can adopt.” ~ annoymous1996
“NTA. All of your concerns are valid.” ~niennabobenna
“NTA. this is a huge decision that will impact both of you lives.”
“Your wife could die.”
“That sounds dramatic but pregnancy does not have a 0% mortality rate.”
“She should have discussed it with you and IMHO she should not do it based on what you’ve said.”
“Anonymously send your sister a pamphlet on adoption.” ~ savealltheelephants
“NTA, your concerns are absolutely valid.”
“Has she discussed any of this with a doctor to make sure she’s physically well enough to go through with this?”
“Is there a safety net in place for you and the kids if something horrible goes wrong?”
“Do you have enough money saved in case she has to be out of work longer than anticipated?”
“There are a million things that need to be discussed before this can be considered.”
“And yes it is her body, but it is your joint family and I assume joint financial situation.”
“This 100% effects you as well, so yes you have a say.”
“She should have discussed this with you before ever bringing it up with sister, and then discussed with a doctor to make sure it’s feasible.”
“THEN your sister could be involved once everything was in order.” ~ Dovekieski
“She absolutely should have discussed it with OP first.”
“To the sister and offer to do it is her going to do it.”
“An offer to do this is absolutely the final decision.”
“And to offer right now while the sister literally just had a D&C, the sister will be absolutely devastated if she backs out.” ~ Corduroycat1
“NTA… what happens if you wife ends up having to tell your sis no?”
“It might cause some hurt plus the hurt your wife has already caused you.”
“Sounds like a lot of possible extra drama all cuz there was no communication.”
“Add the fact that I grew up being taught that your word is a bond.”
“If you agree to do a thing then you do it.”
“I find it kinda weird how your wife is acting about being able to just flip flop on her word kinda easily when dealing with such an emotional charged situation.” ~ Higgzhatespeople123
“NTA. She decided to make a major life decision without consulting you.”
“Yes it’s her body but it’s the both of you who will be affected if she does it.”
“You listed many of the things that should be discussed first.”
“The health implications are a bigger deal at 38 than they are ten years ago.”
“What if she needs to go on bed rest?”
“Who is going to take over all of the things she does with your children? You.”
“Who is going to be paying all of the bills? You.”
“You haven’t even discussed who is going to pay for her medical bills.”
“It sounds like your wife offered to do this for free so are you two paying all of the medical bills?”
“There’s a reason people use lawyers for surrogates.”
“If you do decide to do this get a lawyer and a contract outlining everything.” ~ murphy2345678
“NTA. While it is indeed her body, this decision affects you both.”
“And she should not have obligated you to her decision, that is not fair and is very selfish.” ~ BusyLight32
Well OP, you have quite the situation on your hands.
Reddit is here to listen and respond.
There is no easy way to fix this situation, but it is possible.
Time for some hard conversations.