Blending families is no easy task, especially when one child has been somewhat estranged for a long period of time.
Redditor Candid-Zebra1095 and his wife recently got into an argument over sleeping arrangements for his daughter and her adult daughter and grandchild.
The Original Poster (OP) does not want to displace his young daughter for the sake of his stepdaughter and step-grandchild, but his wife strongly disagrees.
This disagreement drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for not making my daughter give up her room to my stepdaughter and grandchild”
He went on to explain:
“I [37-year-old male] have been married to my wife Sadie [age 37] for 4 years. I have a daughter, Chloe, of my own from my previous marriage, age 9. Sadie has a daughter Age [age 19] from an ex.”
“Ace hasn’t really been in our lives often, as she lived with her grandparents her whole life bc the state took her from Sadie when Ace was 7. We still saw her on holidays and tried to reach out.”
“Ace was living out of state with her boyfriend but he was recently arrested, so she asked if her and her baby could move in with us as she needed help getting back on her feet.”
“My wife and I spoke about it and agreed. When I brought up the extra bedroom in the attic (which is an area in the attic we made into a spare room for guests many years ago…”
“…and no one uses the attic anyways) my wife became upset- gasped even- and said she was not making her daughter with a 5-month-old baby sleep in the dirty attic.”
“I said obviously we would clean and prepare it, and where else did she suggest she sleep, which is when she told me Chloe’s bedroom would be perfect.”
“Chloe’s bedroom is very large and across the hall from the bathroom which Sadie said was perfect.”
“I told her Chloe would not be giving up the bedroom she’d been living in since before I even met her.”
“She got upset and started to plead and said that this could make up for the years lost, and proved she really loved her and that she was wanted.”
“I basically told her no, she could prove that another way that we wouldn’t give up the bedroom.”
“She got angry and said a 9-year-old does not need all that space, and I was picking favorites and not even thinking of the bigger picture…”
“…Ace would need more room; it’s be hard for her to go up and down the stairs with a baby, etc. I stuck to my answer and my wife slammed the door and went for a drive.”
“Today, she tried convincing me again, and I wouldn’t give in, and we got into another argument.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA at all. You most definitely should not displace your daughter from her bedroom to make room for Ace.”
“Having a 19-year-old stranger and her baby move in is going to be more than enough of a change for your daughter.”
“Your wife can find some other way to ‘make up for the years of loss’ without kicking your daughter out of her bedroom.”
“Sadie has already proven that Ace is wanted by taking in her and her baby. As for the stairs, women safely carry babies/children up and down stairs every day.”
“INFO: Do you know why Ace was removed from Sadie’s care?” – Consistent-Leopard71
“Sir, this is the hill to die on. Time for your wife to be held accountable for her life choices, time for her daughter to be held accountable for her life choices.”
“Your innocent 9-year-old daughter doesn’t deserve to pay dearly for others’ life choices. Woman needs to get over herself and her dumb silent treatment.”
“If she doesn’t let this go, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways. If you give in, your daughter will forever remember how her dad treated his ‘new’ family better.”
“NTA” – Luz-Amor
“NTA. Your wife is trying to make it up to her daughter by penalizing yours. The fact that the ‘dirty’ attic isn’t good enough for her child but is good enough for yours is atrocious.”
“I’m going to be mean here. Sadie was a young mother.”
“But Sadie had the state take her child when she was in her mid-twenties; I know there’s a lot of stories of unfairness, but they do not take a child away from their adult parent for no reason.”
“At best, she’s been an absent mother. I know she’s tried to reach out, but she doesn’t have a parental relationship with Ace.”
“Staying strong here is important, not just because it’s not fair, but because Sadie has already destroyed one parent/child relationship…”
“…now she going to destroy two more (hers AND yours with Chloe) to try and salvage the ruined one.”
“Ace is now also a young mother. She needs support, the support that I’m guessing Sadie didn’t get.”
“Ace has had a tough draw growing up, but she’s also made some poor decisions, and it’s great that the two of you are going to support her.”
“But she gets the support that is available (I’m not blaming her for any of this, this is all on Sadie).”
“Chloe’s room is not an available resource. You’ll spend money and time and effort helping her.”
“Chloe is going to go through a massive upheaval, bringing two new humans into her home, both strangers, one an infant.”
“Having some stability and privacy is key, she needs that room, possibly more than Ace does.”
“You need to find out what Sadie is promising Ace. You need to find out what Ace thinks she’s in for.”
“And you need to make it clear to Sadie that Chloe is just as important as you and Sadie in house decisions because it’s her home, too.”
“Ace will be with you temporarily (so long as she really is just getting back on her feet). She isn’t a guest, but she’s not a decision maker either.”
“Sadie needs help dealing with whatever is going on in her head. Whether it’s guilt. Whether it’s thinking that ‘her’ family is more important than ‘yours’.”
“Whether it’s thinking that having a baby means you’re entitled to preferential treatment. Whether she’s trying to cope with her own past by giving Ace what she didn’t get herself.”
“But Sadie needs to deal with what is available before she destroys another family.” – Natural_Garbage7674
“NTA. Your wife sounds like she wants Ace and the baby to become a permanent fixture in your household rather than putting her up till she finds her feet.”
“Your wife is entirely out of line for wanting to sacrifice your daughter to make up for her own past actions.” – AdministrationThis77
“NTA. Beggars can’t be choosers. If Ace is asking for people’s help, she is lucky she is getting a roof over her head at all with a kid and a boyfriend in prison…”
“…notably you didn’t say for what or when he might show up – assuming he is the father of her kid.”
“This is Chloe’s home, not Aces. She should keep her room. Once the attic is tidied up, it will probably be quite nice, and private.”
“What is your wife suggesting – the 9-year-old go in the attic? Seriously?” – alien_overlord_1001
“YTA: It feels like you are ignoring some obvious red flags.”
“You meet a woman who lost custody of her child, someone who was never able to regain custody throughout the 10+ years her child was growing up…”
“…what made you think she would be a great stepmother for your child?”
“She wants to banish your daughter to the attic? She sounds like a cartoon villain. You need to start putting your daughter first.” – Impossible_Rain_4727
“Absolutely NTA. Tbh, I find it really disturbing she thinks her adult daughter is entitled to your own daughter’s bedroom that she’s been in all her life.”
“Absolutely not. It’s an unreasonable and inappropriate ask. stand firm on this one.” – OptiMom1534
“NTA.”
“This isn’t about Ace, Chloe, or the new baby’s well-being – this is about your wife trying to make up her precious poor parenting at Chloe’s and your expense.”
“If the attic isn’t good enough for Ace and the baby to live in, why is it good enough for Chloe to live in?”
“The only other solution I see is if you’d be super gracious and give up your own room with your wife and live in the attic…”
“…but I don’t think you should have to do that and somehow I feel even if you were willing to, I don’t know that your wife would do that.” – throw-mil-away
“NTA”
“Your wife is acting out of long-held guilt regarding her daughter, not out of concern for what’s best for all involved.”
“It is generous enough of you to allow them to move in. You offer what you can reasonably do, not evict your daughter from her room.” – TYJerry
Lots of red flags going on here, OP.
What do you think, reader? Let us know in the comments.