Blending families is no easy task, especially when one child has been somewhat estranged for a long period of time.
Redditor Candid-Zebra1095 and his wife recently got into an argument over sleeping arrangements for his daughter and her adult daughter and grandchild.
The Original Poster (OP) does not want to displace his young daughter for the sake of his stepdaughter and step-grandchild, but his wife strongly disagrees.
This disagreement drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for not making my daughter give up her room to my stepdaughter and grandchild"
He went on to explain:
"I [37-year-old male] have been married to my wife Sadie [age 37] for 4 years. I have a daughter, Chloe, of my own from my previous marriage, age 9. Sadie has a daughter Age [age 19] from an ex."
"Ace hasn't really been in our lives often, as she lived with her grandparents her whole life bc the state took her from Sadie when Ace was 7. We still saw her on holidays and tried to reach out."
"Ace was living out of state with her boyfriend but he was recently arrested, so she asked if her and her baby could move in with us as she needed help getting back on her feet."
"My wife and I spoke about it and agreed. When I brought up the extra bedroom in the attic (which is an area in the attic we made into a spare room for guests many years ago…"
"…and no one uses the attic anyways) my wife became upset- gasped even- and said she was not making her daughter with a 5-month-old baby sleep in the dirty attic."
"I said obviously we would clean and prepare it, and where else did she suggest she sleep, which is when she told me Chloe's bedroom would be perfect."
"Chloe's bedroom is very large and across the hall from the bathroom which Sadie said was perfect."
"I told her Chloe would not be giving up the bedroom she'd been living in since before I even met her."
"She got upset and started to plead and said that this could make up for the years lost, and proved she really loved her and that she was wanted."
"I basically told her no, she could prove that another way that we wouldn't give up the bedroom."
"She got angry and said a 9-year-old does not need all that space, and I was picking favorites and not even thinking of the bigger picture…"
"…Ace would need more room; it's be hard for her to go up and down the stairs with a baby, etc. I stuck to my answer and my wife slammed the door and went for a drive."
"Today, she tried convincing me again, and I wouldn't give in, and we got into another argument."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA at all. You most definitely should not displace your daughter from her bedroom to make room for Ace."
"Having a 19-year-old stranger and her baby move in is going to be more than enough of a change for your daughter."
"Your wife can find some other way to 'make up for the years of loss' without kicking your daughter out of her bedroom."
"Sadie has already proven that Ace is wanted by taking in her and her baby. As for the stairs, women safely carry babies/children up and down stairs every day."
"INFO: Do you know why Ace was removed from Sadie's care?" - Consistent-Leopard71
"Sir, this is the hill to die on. Time for your wife to be held accountable for her life choices, time for her daughter to be held accountable for her life choices."
"Your innocent 9-year-old daughter doesn't deserve to pay dearly for others' life choices. Woman needs to get over herself and her dumb silent treatment."
"If she doesn't let this go, maybe it's time to go your separate ways. If you give in, your daughter will forever remember how her dad treated his 'new' family better."
"NTA" - Luz-Amor
"NTA. Your wife is trying to make it up to her daughter by penalizing yours. The fact that the 'dirty' attic isn't good enough for her child but is good enough for yours is atrocious."
"I'm going to be mean here. Sadie was a young mother."
"But Sadie had the state take her child when she was in her mid-twenties; I know there's a lot of stories of unfairness, but they do not take a child away from their adult parent for no reason."
"At best, she's been an absent mother. I know she's tried to reach out, but she doesn't have a parental relationship with Ace."
"Staying strong here is important, not just because it's not fair, but because Sadie has already destroyed one parent/child relationship…"
"…now she going to destroy two more (hers AND yours with Chloe) to try and salvage the ruined one."
"Ace is now also a young mother. She needs support, the support that I'm guessing Sadie didn't get."
"Ace has had a tough draw growing up, but she's also made some poor decisions, and it's great that the two of you are going to support her."
"But she gets the support that is available (I'm not blaming her for any of this, this is all on Sadie)."
"Chloe's room is not an available resource. You'll spend money and time and effort helping her."
"Chloe is going to go through a massive upheaval, bringing two new humans into her home, both strangers, one an infant."
"Having some stability and privacy is key, she needs that room, possibly more than Ace does."
"You need to find out what Sadie is promising Ace. You need to find out what Ace thinks she's in for."
"And you need to make it clear to Sadie that Chloe is just as important as you and Sadie in house decisions because it's her home, too."
"Ace will be with you temporarily (so long as she really is just getting back on her feet). She isn't a guest, but she's not a decision maker either."
"Sadie needs help dealing with whatever is going on in her head. Whether it's guilt. Whether it's thinking that 'her' family is more important than 'yours'."
"Whether it's thinking that having a baby means you're entitled to preferential treatment. Whether she's trying to cope with her own past by giving Ace what she didn't get herself."
"But Sadie needs to deal with what is available before she destroys another family." - Natural_Garbage7674
"NTA. Your wife sounds like she wants Ace and the baby to become a permanent fixture in your household rather than putting her up till she finds her feet."
"Your wife is entirely out of line for wanting to sacrifice your daughter to make up for her own past actions." - AdministrationThis77
"NTA. Beggars can't be choosers. If Ace is asking for people's help, she is lucky she is getting a roof over her head at all with a kid and a boyfriend in prison…"
"…notably you didn't say for what or when he might show up - assuming he is the father of her kid."
"This is Chloe's home, not Aces. She should keep her room. Once the attic is tidied up, it will probably be quite nice, and private."
"What is your wife suggesting - the 9-year-old go in the attic? Seriously?" - alien_overlord_1001
"YTA: It feels like you are ignoring some obvious red flags."
"You meet a woman who lost custody of her child, someone who was never able to regain custody throughout the 10+ years her child was growing up…"
"…what made you think she would be a great stepmother for your child?"
"She wants to banish your daughter to the attic? She sounds like a cartoon villain. You need to start putting your daughter first." - Impossible_Rain_4727
"Absolutely NTA. Tbh, I find it really disturbing she thinks her adult daughter is entitled to your own daughter's bedroom that she's been in all her life."
"Absolutely not. It's an unreasonable and inappropriate ask. stand firm on this one." - OptiMom1534
"NTA."
"This isn't about Ace, Chloe, or the new baby's well-being - this is about your wife trying to make up her precious poor parenting at Chloe's and your expense."
"If the attic isn't good enough for Ace and the baby to live in, why is it good enough for Chloe to live in?"
"The only other solution I see is if you'd be super gracious and give up your own room with your wife and live in the attic…"
"…but I don't think you should have to do that and somehow I feel even if you were willing to, I don't know that your wife would do that." - throw-mil-away
"NTA"
"Your wife is acting out of long-held guilt regarding her daughter, not out of concern for what's best for all involved."
"It is generous enough of you to allow them to move in. You offer what you can reasonably do, not evict your daughter from her room." - TYJerry
Lots of red flags going on here, OP.
What do you think, reader? Let us know in the comments.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp