Money issues can be the root of all evil, especially in romantic relationships.
So many marriages have crumbled due to financial strain.
Who pays for what and when?
Keeping track of these situations can be nearly impossible without someone having hurt feelings.
Case in point…
Redditor SelectiveSerotonin wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for making my husband pay for a mistake out of his ‘allowance?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I have an ‘allowance’ system that prevents a lot of arguments about incidental spending.”
“Both of our salaries go into a joint account for all bills, investments, and agreed-upon purchases.”
“The allowance is a smaller amount ($50-$100/week, but always equal for each of us) that gets moved to separate accounts for each of us, with the understanding that we can spend this money on whatever, no permission needed.”
“Usually it’s spent on individual hobbies/splurges.”
“This works well for us.”
“Today, I was looking through my husband’s credit card bill that I had used recently (with his permission) to make some travel arrangements.”
“We don’t keep any secret bills.”
“This credit card is auto-paid from our joint account.”
“I saw a $73 charge to YouTube and asked him about it.”
“He said he didn’t remember buying anything, so I dug further.”
“Turns out he had subscribed to YouTube TV last December to watch a football game on a road trip and forgot about it.”
“I had no idea because this was his YouTube account, his email notifications, his credit card.”
“The total charges added up to about $675.”
“I admit I was annoyed and made some short comments.”
“‘You should always set a reminder to cancel these things.'”
“‘If you were responsible about checking your emails, this might not have happened.'”
“There is a history of him being irresponsible with bills and missing important emails.”
“I manage almost all the finances.”
“We’re in good shape, but I hate the idea of waste.”
“We weren’t even utilizing that expensive subscription, he paid that money to watch one thing ten months ago.”
“I told him that to be fair he’d have to pay the $675 out of his ‘fun money.'”
“He had more than enough in there because he was saving for a bigger hobby purchase.”
“I canceled the YouTube subscription on his phone, then used the banking app on my phone to move the money from his allowance account back to the joint account.”
“I probably should’ve asked him to move the money himself, but I was upset.”
“I felt calmer after doing the money transfer because, to me, the matter was then settled.”
“He got irritated and said he shouldn’t have to pay out of his allowance for a simple mistake.”
“I said, ‘Everyone has to pay for their mistakes. That’s how life works.'”
“Maybe I was harsh.”
“But the wasted money was all on him.”
“I don’t see any better way to resolve it.”
“He pointed out that we are doing fine financially; we are fortunate that $675 out of the joint account won’t affect our budgeting for the month.”
“But it will make a big difference to his saving for his hobbies as it is close to 2 months’ allowance.”
“It was the principle of the matter to me.”
“I’m very careful with money.”
“No matter how well we do financially, I’ll always look for good deals and avoid profligate spending.”
The OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Every single thing HE did was ‘disrespectful.'”
“From ordering a subscription with family money instead of his own, to ‘forgetting’ about it, to not paying attention to his emails, to thinking that their shared money (including HER money) should bail his irresponsible a** out.”
“He should be THANKING her for catching this outrageous bill. If left to him, the account could have racked up THOUSANDS in billing.”
“He got off EASY.” ~ DonnaTheSecondTwin
“I think the mistake was taking it out of the joint account to start with.”
“I bet he would have noticed faster and done something about it if it was coming out of his own private funds.”
“But also, it was a personal experience/treat.”
“Should have come out of his own personal money, not joint.” ~ bluepancakes18
“This is exactly why all couples should have accounts the other doesn’t have access to.”
“My husband and I have a joint checking and savings account we both have access to, then we each have a personal savings and checking the other person can’t access.”
“I actually agree that he should pay for it, but it should have been a discussion and agreement on how to handle things.”
“She can’t just decide for him how he should be “punished” for being forgetful like he’s here kid.” ~ smilegirl01
“This isn’t a family that’s struggling financially and needs to be saving every penny they possibly can.”
“The correct response from the wife is to make him aware, they chat about it, they shrug and go ‘No Big Deal’ and pay the bill and go on their way.”
“Being weirdly punitive toward the husband helps nobody.”
“This isn’t about financial privilege.”
“This is about not raking your partner over the coals when they goof.”
“OP makes it clear that the quantity of money isn’t financially problematic for them in any way and that $675 is not a consequential amount of money for a DINK couple with wages they both describe as salaries.”
“My partner knocked my tablet off a table, and the screen shattered a few months ago.”
“Did I throw a hissy fit and force her to pay me?”
“No, I acknowledged that she didn’t mean to do it, realized it was just a clumsy mistake, and went and had it fixed.”
“Truly not a big deal.” ~ KingArthurHS
“It’s not just disrespectful.”
“It’s outright theft. YTA.”
“OP, you’re a thief.”
“Additionally, the comments would totally be different if the genders were reversed.” ~ AshBlackstone78
“He pays out of his fun money, or she takes $675 from the common account.”
“Anyway it indicates he is not very responsible with the common account: he doesn’t check it and he let her search for the origin of the $75 charge and cancel the subscription instead of doing it himself.”
“He behaves like a child so he shouldn’t be surprised she acts with him as he is one.”
“I agree: NTA.” ~ Couette-Couette
“She went into his personal bank account and stole $675.”
“That’s what happened here. YTA.”
“My wife and I have a joint account for all the bills we have together.”
“But we have separate bank accounts for personal bills and expenses.”
“Joint bank accounts for non-joint bills is weird.” ~ AshBlackstone78
“If he only used it once ages ago, he might be able to get a refund by reaching out to customer support.”
“I assume you’ll be the one doing that for him.”
“NTA… because it seems like he’s habitually irresponsible with money, and this is the proverbial straw.” ~ realresilient
“While it may be fair, it sets a precedent.”
“For example, If you have a car accident (a mistake), then all cost comes out of your account.”
“You spill something on the carpet and need to get it cleaned, your account.”
“This approach can lead to long-term issues.”
“I think there is a better approach.” ~ Mr_Pete_NC
“ESH, it’s his mistake but you come across as an a** in the way you’re going about this.” ~ PD_31
OP came back with an update…
“I appreciate the responses, as reading the objective viewpoints helped me realize I behaved badly, more punitive than ‘fair.'”
“Marriage is a partnership, not a balance sheet, and honest mistakes happen.”
“I reacted out of negative emotion about the money without thinking about the bigger picture.”
“I called my husband and apologized.”
“He said he didn’t blame me for being irritated, as he was irritated about the money too, but he appreciated the apology.”
“He said we could talk later about moving the money back or not.”
“Thanks again, and feel free to keep weighing in with comments- I feel like healthy debate is the best part of AITA.”
There was a slightly happy ending and a good lesson for us all about subscription services.
I was able to submit a refund request.”
“Google/YouTube policy only allowed the refund of the past month.”
“Still, $72.99 back is better than nothing.”
“And I know my husband should’ve been the one requesting the refund, but I asked him twice yesterday about it, and he just shook his head like he was sure it was hopeless, so I did it myself today.”
“He later told me he was too embarrassed to ask for money back.”
“The majority of comments here, whether voting NTA or YTA, say I am treating him more like a child than a partner.”
“I know this is even more of this behavior.”
“I can’t say much in defense except at least we got some money refunded.”
“On a side note- it’s hard to know what to do sometimes when a wife is in the wrong for either…”
“(A) Being a ‘nag’ for asking the husband to do something more than once, or…”
“(B) Being Controlling/mom-like/a martyr’ when she decides to just do a chore herself.”
“I will do some more self-reflection on why my initial reaction was to act like such a ‘Mom.'”
“I told him we got $73 back, and he was glad to hear it and thanked me.”
“I apologized again for moving money unilaterally.”
“That was a jerk move.”
“Though I don’t think it was quite ‘fraud/crime’ like some comments have said, as these accounts are all connected in the same bank where we are both authorized users; regardless, I do see it was wrong of me.”
“He said he’d like to move the $675 back to his fun money account.”
“I said that was fine.”
“Some might disagree, but I’m good with it now.”
“I’m not upset anymore about the mistake- as many have pointed out, mistakes happen, and I would not want to be sanctimoniously ‘punished’ by a loved one if I made a costly mistake.”
“We’ll just take the $675 loss as partners- which we are- and hopefully we both learned something.”
“We still believe our overall financial system works- though I can understand why some of the comments disagree.”
“As for the comments saying he should divorce me for being a ‘financial abuser’, ‘prison warden’, ‘nitpicky nag,’ and our home is a ‘controlling hellhole’ – don’t you think that’s a bit much to glean from one post?”
“I know this is Reddit, but sheesh.”
“This was a single disagreement.”
“I don’t even think I’d even call it an ‘argument.'”
“The reason that I shared on AITA is because I thought we both had valid points, and I thought I might have acted in the wrong.”
“We’ve been happily married ten years and have lots of plans/dreams we are looking forward to together for hopefully the next 50.”
“Thank you to everyone who gave constructive comments.”
Well, OP, Reddit had quite a lot to say.
Looks like everything worked out for you and your hubby.
It’s great to hear about couples who can figure out their issues.
Good luck with your finances in the future.