A cancer diagnosis not only impacts the patient but their entire family or support system.
But people persist.
We rally around each other in the hard times.
But, when someone is battling cancer, their emotions can sometimes bubble over and overwhelm those closest to them.
Two of the most common are anger and jealousy.
Case in point...
Redditor ChoiceDisastrous4432 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my wife off after getting our daughter to cut her hair off, even after being told not to?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife is currently battling cancer, and one of the things she's told me she's struggling with the most was losing her hair."
"She's been given a near 100% chance of survival since we caught it early, but the chemotherapy has destroyed her hair anyway, and she had to shave what was left of it off a few weeks ago."
"Not long after that, she suggested we attempt to get our 17-year-old daughter, Anna, to do so as well."
"Anna has very long hair that she puts a lot of care into, so I felt it was appropriate to ask her in private if she wanted to/would be willing to do such a thing."
"She told me that she didn't want to cut her hair, and I figured that was the end of that."
"However yesterday they came home from a 'girl's shopping trip,' something they do every so often, and Anna had a buzzed haircut."
"That struck me as odd after what she'd said."
"So after dinner, I talked to her, and she told me that my wife had said she would never forgive Anna if she didn't show her support by buzzing her head."
"I asked her if she was happy about it, and she said that she wasn't."
"When I went to bed, I brought it up with my wife, and she said, 'It was Anna's choice to or not. I just told her how I'd see the situation.'"
"I told her off, saying she needed to respect Anna's personal choices and that a 17-year-old girl being against shaving her head wasn't exactly out of the ordinary; however, my wife simply said it was to show support for her."
"I've been sleeping on the couch since."
"I love my wife, and I understand that she's going through something traumatic; however, her attitude comes off as very manipulative to me, and that's not behavior I feel I can personally accept."
"I'm not sure if I can move past this to continue the relationship."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA! Your wife is a flaming a**hole! I'm sorry that she has cancer, but what she did to your daughter was very abusive!"
"If she is unable to deal mentally with her disease and treatment, then she needs professional help, not to manipulate and coerce your daughter into making a choice that she didn't want to make."
"Make no mistake, she ABUSED your daughter."
"Honestly, cancer or no cancer, if I were in your shoes, I would seriously be considering divorce, if only to get your daughter to safety." ~ Equivalent_Value2686
"Exactly! This is abuse. Period."
"OP, please support your daughter."
"I'm sorry your wife has cancer, but what she did to your daughter is unforgivable." ~ Expensive_Pain_5987
"We need to dig deeper here."
"I don't think this was about the wife wanting support so much as her being miserable and envious of her daughter's hair."
"The wife is rightfully miserable right now, and it's an amazing coincidence that the daughter has long, lovely hair that she's proud of and takes good care of."
"Looking at that long luxurious hair was a daily visual reminder to the wife of her own lost locks."
"Nice hair, be it long, short, or shaved head by choice, is tied very strongly to a woman's personal concept of beauty."
"Now, daughter is miserable like the wife, and all her pretty hair is gone."
"Misery loves company, and the wife now has the satisfaction of knowing her innocent daughter feels just as horrible as she does, and the bonus is the wife doesn't have to look at that constant reminder of the hair she lost."
"This was an inappropriate ask to start out with, and I'm surprised the OP ever agreed to it."
"He should have nipped it in the bud."
"Having said that, I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who just hurt my daughter for funsies."
"As the other commenters have pointed out, this was emotional abuse and will give the daughter trust issues for years to come." ~ theloveburts
"Wow. This is awful."
"I had cancer, and my hair was a hot mess for a couple of years."
"But I wouldn't let ANYONE AT ALL shave their head in solidarity, especially not a minor with beautiful hair that she is proud of!! What exactly does this accomplish!!"
"I still remember when I was getting my first PET scan as a new cancer patient."
"A guy who had been fighting cancer said to me, 'I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but we are the lucky ones.'"
"We are the ones who are forced to reflect on ourselves and our mortality and hopefully be better people with the time I have left."
"OP's wife seems to have missed the lesson." ~ Loud-Bee6673
"'What exactly does this accomplish!!'"
"It took away the one thing the daughter had that the wife was most envious of."
"Making her daughter suffer made the wife feel better."
"It gave the wife a chance to make her daughter feel horrible about herself because she didn't want to meet her mother's unreasonable demand."
"It destroyed the wife's future relationship with her daughter and may have destroyed the marriage."
"I wouldn't really call any of these things accomplishments, but I have a sick feeling the wife would."
"I'm really surprised that OP has been with his wife for at least eighteen years and is just now learning what a monster she really is." ~ Philosemen69
"Oh yeah, 1,000% emotional abuse and manipulation."
"The only thing that would be worse is if the wife is having a wig made with the daughter's hair."
"Speaking of wigs, buy your daughter a nice wig to make up for what your wife did because she's clearly not into the buzzed cut."
"Your daughter can wear that until her hair grows into where she's more comfortable."
"Don't buy your wife a wig because of what she coerced a 17-year girl old to do so that she would feel better or whatever lame-a** weak sauce reason she gave, and yes, that sounds like a great post for r/pettyrevenge."
"You OP are definitely NTA." ~ DarkBluePhoenix
"100% abuse. What an absolutely horrible thing to put a child through."
"I hope the daughter is okay and won't have lasting issues from it."
"OP, having an illness does not give your wife license to traumatize your child."
"What your wife did was utterly disgusting, and I hope you do not let her off easy."
"Your daughter needs you to step up for her. NTA!" ~ MoonGladeLadyBug
"This was what I was thinking too."
"What an awful person."
"I'm high risk for cancer (thanks, genetics), and I told my partner that if I ever did have it, not having hair would honestly hurt my self-esteem but not to shave her head or let either of the kids shave their heads specifically for me."
"I would just feel guilty."
"Yes, it grows back, but I once lost so much hair from stress that tanked my self-esteem."
"Thankfully, it grew back after a while, but I wouldn't want to put anyone else through that."
"Support me with physical affection, helping me through the bad days, tell me you still love me."
"That is the kind of support I prefer, honestly." ~ ThisNerdsYarn
"Exactly. If the wife feels so bad about losing her hair, why would she want to put anyone else through that, especially her own kid???"
"I would take on any burden to save my kids from having to deal with that burden."
"Why place a totally unnecessary burden on your own child?"
"My 16-year-old daughter has long hair, and loves it, after spending the first 6 years of her life with little hair."
"I could never take that away from her, and if I did, it would crush her." ~ regus0307
"Maybe OP and his daughter could have a daddy-daughter day out and pick her out a nice wig to make his daughter feel a bit better."
"NTA OP, please have a conversation with your daughter about the power of NO especially when it comes to her body, and let her know regardless of the other person's feelings stand her ground." ~ Downtown_Invite4092
"Getting a 17-year-old to shave her head is not from meditation causing psychosis."
"That's pure jealousy of her hair and manipulation and using the cancer card to get away with shi**y behavior."
"Why didn't she ask her husband to shave his head no mention that he's bald so couldn't."
"I'm assuming she is not the child's mother as he keeps referring to her as his wife."
"Unless you are a complete narcissist, you would not ask anyone to shave their head to show support." ~ Radish_These
"NTA. Your wife's illness is tragic, but not an excuse to emotionally blackmail and ignore your daughter's body autonomy."
"Frankly, her behavior is very jealous and cruel." ~ WholeAd2742
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have every right to be upset.
Your daughter told you how she felt.
The case was closed.
What your wife is going through is awful.
But she had no right to do what she did to your daughter.
Hopefully, you can all sit down, maybe with a therapist, and hash this out.
Good luck to you all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp