A cancer diagnosis not only impacts the patient but their entire family or support system.
But people persist.
We rally around each other in the hard times.
But, when someone is battling cancer, their emotions can sometimes bubble over and overwhelm those closest to them.
Two of the most common are anger and jealousy.
Case in point…
Redditor ChoiceDisastrous4432 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my wife off after getting our daughter to cut her hair off, even after being told not to?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife is currently battling cancer, and one of the things she’s told me she’s struggling with the most was losing her hair.”
“She’s been given a near 100% chance of survival since we caught it early, but the chemotherapy has destroyed her hair anyway, and she had to shave what was left of it off a few weeks ago.”
“Not long after that, she suggested we attempt to get our 17-year-old daughter, Anna, to do so as well.”
“Anna has very long hair that she puts a lot of care into, so I felt it was appropriate to ask her in private if she wanted to/would be willing to do such a thing.”
“She told me that she didn’t want to cut her hair, and I figured that was the end of that.”
“However yesterday they came home from a ‘girl’s shopping trip,’ something they do every so often, and Anna had a buzzed haircut.”
“That struck me as odd after what she’d said.”
“So after dinner, I talked to her, and she told me that my wife had said she would never forgive Anna if she didn’t show her support by buzzing her head.”
“I asked her if she was happy about it, and she said that she wasn’t.”
“When I went to bed, I brought it up with my wife, and she said, ‘It was Anna’s choice to or not. I just told her how I’d see the situation.'”
“I told her off, saying she needed to respect Anna’s personal choices and that a 17-year-old girl being against shaving her head wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary; however, my wife simply said it was to show support for her.”
“I’ve been sleeping on the couch since.”
“I love my wife, and I understand that she’s going through something traumatic; however, her attitude comes off as very manipulative to me, and that’s not behavior I feel I can personally accept.”
“I’m not sure if I can move past this to continue the relationship.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA! Your wife is a flaming a**hole! I’m sorry that she has cancer, but what she did to your daughter was very abusive!”
“If she is unable to deal mentally with her disease and treatment, then she needs professional help, not to manipulate and coerce your daughter into making a choice that she didn’t want to make.”
“Make no mistake, she ABUSED your daughter.”
“Honestly, cancer or no cancer, if I were in your shoes, I would seriously be considering divorce, if only to get your daughter to safety.” ~ Equivalent_Value2686
“Exactly! This is abuse. Period.”
“OP, please support your daughter.”
“I’m sorry your wife has cancer, but what she did to your daughter is unforgivable.” ~ Expensive_Pain_5987
“We need to dig deeper here.”
“I don’t think this was about the wife wanting support so much as her being miserable and envious of her daughter’s hair.”
“The wife is rightfully miserable right now, and it’s an amazing coincidence that the daughter has long, lovely hair that she’s proud of and takes good care of.”
“Looking at that long luxurious hair was a daily visual reminder to the wife of her own lost locks.”
“Nice hair, be it long, short, or shaved head by choice, is tied very strongly to a woman’s personal concept of beauty.”
“Now, daughter is miserable like the wife, and all her pretty hair is gone.”
“Misery loves company, and the wife now has the satisfaction of knowing her innocent daughter feels just as horrible as she does, and the bonus is the wife doesn’t have to look at that constant reminder of the hair she lost.”
“This was an inappropriate ask to start out with, and I’m surprised the OP ever agreed to it.”
“He should have nipped it in the bud.”
“Having said that, I wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship with someone who just hurt my daughter for funsies.”
“As the other commenters have pointed out, this was emotional abuse and will give the daughter trust issues for years to come.” ~ theloveburts
“Wow. This is awful.”
“I had cancer, and my hair was a hot mess for a couple of years.”
“But I wouldn’t let ANYONE AT ALL shave their head in solidarity, especially not a minor with beautiful hair that she is proud of!! What exactly does this accomplish!!”
“I still remember when I was getting my first PET scan as a new cancer patient.”
“A guy who had been fighting cancer said to me, ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but we are the lucky ones.’”
“We are the ones who are forced to reflect on ourselves and our mortality and hopefully be better people with the time I have left.”
“OP’s wife seems to have missed the lesson.” ~ Loud-Bee6673
“‘What exactly does this accomplish!!'”
“It took away the one thing the daughter had that the wife was most envious of.”
“Making her daughter suffer made the wife feel better.”
“It gave the wife a chance to make her daughter feel horrible about herself because she didn’t want to meet her mother’s unreasonable demand.”
“It destroyed the wife’s future relationship with her daughter and may have destroyed the marriage.”
“I wouldn’t really call any of these things accomplishments, but I have a sick feeling the wife would.”
“I’m really surprised that OP has been with his wife for at least eighteen years and is just now learning what a monster she really is.” ~ Philosemen69
“Oh yeah, 1,000% emotional abuse and manipulation.”
“The only thing that would be worse is if the wife is having a wig made with the daughter’s hair.”
“Speaking of wigs, buy your daughter a nice wig to make up for what your wife did because she’s clearly not into the buzzed cut.”
“Your daughter can wear that until her hair grows into where she’s more comfortable.”
“Don’t buy your wife a wig because of what she coerced a 17-year girl old to do so that she would feel better or whatever lame-a** weak sauce reason she gave, and yes, that sounds like a great post for r/pettyrevenge.”
“You OP are definitely NTA.” ~ DarkBluePhoenix
“100% abuse. What an absolutely horrible thing to put a child through.”
“I hope the daughter is okay and won’t have lasting issues from it.”
“OP, having an illness does not give your wife license to traumatize your child.”
“What your wife did was utterly disgusting, and I hope you do not let her off easy.”
“Your daughter needs you to step up for her. NTA!” ~ MoonGladeLadyBug
“This was what I was thinking too.”
“What an awful person.”
“I’m high risk for cancer (thanks, genetics), and I told my partner that if I ever did have it, not having hair would honestly hurt my self-esteem but not to shave her head or let either of the kids shave their heads specifically for me.”
“I would just feel guilty.”
“Yes, it grows back, but I once lost so much hair from stress that tanked my self-esteem.”
“Thankfully, it grew back after a while, but I wouldn’t want to put anyone else through that.”
“Support me with physical affection, helping me through the bad days, tell me you still love me.”
“That is the kind of support I prefer, honestly.” ~ ThisNerdsYarn
“Exactly. If the wife feels so bad about losing her hair, why would she want to put anyone else through that, especially her own kid???”
“I would take on any burden to save my kids from having to deal with that burden.”
“Why place a totally unnecessary burden on your own child?”
“My 16-year-old daughter has long hair, and loves it, after spending the first 6 years of her life with little hair.”
“I could never take that away from her, and if I did, it would crush her.” ~ regus0307
“Maybe OP and his daughter could have a daddy-daughter day out and pick her out a nice wig to make his daughter feel a bit better.”
“NTA OP, please have a conversation with your daughter about the power of NO especially when it comes to her body, and let her know regardless of the other person’s feelings stand her ground.” ~ Downtown_Invite4092
“Getting a 17-year-old to shave her head is not from meditation causing psychosis.”
“That’s pure jealousy of her hair and manipulation and using the cancer card to get away with shi**y behavior.”
“Why didn’t she ask her husband to shave his head no mention that he’s bald so couldn’t.”
“I’m assuming she is not the child’s mother as he keeps referring to her as his wife.”
“Unless you are a complete narcissist, you would not ask anyone to shave their head to show support.” ~ Radish_These
“NTA. Your wife’s illness is tragic, but not an excuse to emotionally blackmail and ignore your daughter’s body autonomy.”
“Frankly, her behavior is very jealous and cruel.” ~ WholeAd2742
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have every right to be upset.
Your daughter told you how she felt.
The case was closed.
What your wife is going through is awful.
But she had no right to do what she did to your daughter.
Hopefully, you can all sit down, maybe with a therapist, and hash this out.
Good luck to you all.