Even in 2023, new mothers are still greatly pressured to "snap back" and have the "pre-baby body" they had before ever becoming pregnant.
That is more of a possibility for some women than for others, but criticism for women's post-pregnancy bodies can appear from absolutely anywhere, cautioned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Silver-Cattle7362 was excited to spend some time with her family, at least until her sister asked her to not wear a bikini during the vacation, to prevent her husband from making comments.
When she was later accused of ruining the vacation by wearing a bikini anyway, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to expect from the situation next.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for wearing a bikini even though my sister just had a baby?"
The OP was on a beach vacation with her family.
"I (26 Female) am on a family vacation (parents, sister Rachel (30 Female), her son (1 Male), her husband Adam (31 Male), and my husband, and our daughter (2)."
"We are by the sea and yesterday was the first time we'd be going to a beach club."
Rachel had an unexpected request for the OP during their vacation.
"My sister asked me not to wear a bikini or anything revealing because she said both she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body and she really doesn't want to bring the topic up."
"Rachel didn't elaborate, but I presume Adam has made some kind of comments about her post-partum figure, because several times during and after Rachel's pregnancy, he asked me about my postpartum diet and workout regimen."
"I was vague about it but did end up telling him I'd had surgery and various non-invasive treatments, and I was clear that diet and exercise were not the deciding factor. He stopped asking after that."
"Anyway, I said I was sorry she feels that way, but I wasn't going to spend a day roasting under an umbrella, unable to swim or enjoy myself."
"I said tons of women would be in bikinis so I didn't see why I made a difference."
The OP's decision had a greater impact than she anticipated.
"We went to the beach and Rachel was a wreck all day and refused to come with us to the beach today."
"My parents are now saying I'm the AH for not just wearing a cover-up that you can still swim in, and they pointed out that if I keep wearing swimwear, it's going to ruin the trip."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were totally appalled by how it seemed Adam was treating his wife.
"NTA. I'm sorry, her HUSBAND is not feeling the best about her post-partum body? Your bikini is not the cause of her being a 'wreck.' Her own insecurity (which her husband is likely contributing to) is. This is a garbage situation, but you're not responsible for it." - Allaboutbird
"NTA."
"What is wrong with her husband? She carried his child around for nine months, and he doesn't 'feel the best' about her body? What the f**k?!?"
"I get her not feeling 100% about her body, but the husband, I certainly hope he didn't verbalize his concerns about her body."
"Who raises people to act like this?"
"The husband is 100% TA here..." - Money-Process-9198
"NTA. Your sister's husband is the AH."
"I feel so sorry for your sister. She knew him seeing you in a bikini would mean she'd be emotionally abused later for it with things like, 'if OP can do it, it's obviously not in your genes to look the way you do. You're just a lazy cow, etc, etc, etc.'"
"So I do understand her begging you not to do something that would result in her suffering for it later. She is probably staying in to attempt to mitigate her suffering and probably wishes she hadn't even come."
"Knowing what you know, I'd have probably worn a one-piece suit or just a cover-up. But the fact that you didn't doesn't make this your fault."
"Your parents' blame is misplaced. It belongs at the feet of their AH son-in-law." - MyHairs0nFire2023
"NTA. Neither is your sister. ADAM is the a**hole. He should be supporting your sister, celebrating what she and her body did. Her body is different, that's okay, that's normal, and every body recovers from CHILD BIRTH differently."
"As someone with severe issues with my body image, my heart hurts for her, but that's not your responsibility beyond being an ear and a shoulder and a kind word if she needs it."
"Your covering up wouldn't have made her feel better. Kicking Adam in the nuts might. Adam is the a**hole." - CaseyRC
"NTA for wearing the bikini at the beach, but you should show your sister some more empathy. She said both she AND HER HUSBAND are unhappy with her postpartum body. That is VILE. Her husband should not be body shaming your sister who JUST GAVE BIRTH."
"Ask your sister if she's okay. Call out your BIL for his disgusting behavior."
"If my sister told me what she told you, I would be really concerned. I wouldn't necessarily give in to the demand to not wear a bikini, but I would go out of my way to support her in other ways. It sounds like she needs help." - EastSeaweed
While others agreed, they could also see how the OP could have helped the situation.
"NTA. Her husband is the AH for making her feel bad, and she's the AH for putting her body stuff on you."
"But here's also a soft YTA to you for being deliberately unhelpful. I voted NTA, because she can't technically police your clothes, etc., BUT... you didn't have to roast under an umbrella. You could have worn a tank top over it."
"Technically, her body doesn't impact you, but if someone you love is hurting and asks for something as simple as wearing a tank top in a hard time... Why is that so hard? I'd have worn a tank and then planned a tea just us two later to discuss the event and any support she needs."
"People can be the ah without technically being wrong. You knew it was hurting her and your pride and need to show off or whatever your reason was more important than her feelings."
"I wouldn't adjust my clothes forever, but for this one instance while she's dealing with this intensity... feels kind and right to do the nice thing. So yeah technically NTA, but I don't feel like the kind thing was chosen, either." - Glitteringintern89
"I'm really sorry about your sister, but I would like to say YTA. Hold up; let me explain. I agree that it's her husband's disgusting behavior about your sister's body that is the real AH here, but if she asked you not to wear anything, I feel you should have agreed to it."
"It's not about you or your rights at all. If my sister asked me to not do anything because it may hurt her in any way, I wouldn't do it. You have to be more understanding of her, I feel. When you are in a family, sometimes you need to give up some things."
"Would covering yourself so that your sister doesn't feel bad be that bad for you? Can't you wear bikinis any other day? I'm sorry to offend you, but it's the truth." - BoardWise7554
"YTA. We can all agree the husband is the main problem, but the bottom line is that she asked you not to wear a bikini because she was insecure, but you did anyway."
"If someone you cared about went to you and asked this as a favor, the decent thing to do is accept it. Especially since she is dealing with post-partum. You could've worn a one-piece suit, but instead, you chose your comfort. That is not okay." - Conorio1627
"You're honestly selfish and incredibly lazy. Why would you not be sympathetic to what your sister is going through and just take one for the team? That's selfish and honestly YTA for that alone." - TryThatInA_SmallTown
"YTA. The request itself doesn't particularly matter what it is for you judging whether or not you think her reason is valid. The big picture is that someone you love who loves you had asked you to refrain temporarily from doing something fairly easy and minor and you chose not to respect that. That will damage your relationship with her and with your family. It's that simple."
"Like I said what it is doesn't really matter. She was not asking you to 'roast under an umbrella' or to not enjoy yourself ;that is over dramatic and disingenuous. If a bikini is the only way you can enjoy yourself, that would be incredibly shallow and vain."
"There are plenty of cute comfortable swimsuits you could wear that would have respected her request and still look good. I look good in a bikini but I also have really cute swim shorts, tankinis, etc. I would wear without a big deal if someone I cared about asked me, or better yet not do it on my own if I thought it would make them feel bad."
"It would not have killed you to care about her feelings for a week instead of disregarding them and invalidating and judging her for them as an excuse for you to do whatever you want and basically telling her to go to h**l."
"Like it or not, this is how it reads, not just to her but to your other family members. They are not telling her to suck it up and that her husband is the problem. It's reflecting on you instead and someday you just might need them and ask something of then they don't agree with and you'll get disrespect thrown back at you and you'll see how she feels. That becomes a bigger issue than the initial request." - WellWellWellthennow
"Adam is the AH for giving his wife this insecurity (and probably other insecurities too) and without knowing more I think she should leave him, it sounds like his priority is her 'getting hot again,' which is f**ked up, though I don't think you are without fault."
"I won't go all way to say YTA but you were inconsiderate of your sister, you could have worn non-bikini swimwear."
"Of course, there will be other women wearing bikinis, but there are two crucial differences between you and them."
"Rachel is not being compared to the other women, by the sound of Adams's questions to you, I imagine he has compared her to you a lot. The other thing is you are her sister, she open up to you and admitted she was insecure, and that sh!t is hard, and you just brushed her aside insecurities don't make sense."
"I'm gonna make an extreme example but I think it's comparable: Imagine Adam had broken her, that obviously makes him the AH. If you were still arm punching (not hard, but jokingly) and Rachel asked to stop because it was uncomfortable, you would not look good if you brushed it off with something like this, 'I'm not punching you that hard; it can't hurt.'"
"I hope that makes sense and that you all reconcile." - Aetherfool
While the subReddit was divided on whether the OP could cover the bikini up a little bit or not, they were much more preoccupied with Adam's behavior and the OP's sister's potential need for help.
It seemed that Adam's questions likely stemmed from comparing the OP's body with his own wife's, even during and shortly after her pregnancy, and her sister's comments were likely rooted in the self-esteem issues she was undoubtedly battling.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp