Even in 2023, new mothers are still greatly pressured to “snap back” and have the “pre-baby body” they had before ever becoming pregnant.
That is more of a possibility for some women than for others, but criticism for women’s post-pregnancy bodies can appear from absolutely anywhere, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Silver-Cattle7362 was excited to spend some time with her family, at least until her sister asked her to not wear a bikini during the vacation, to prevent her husband from making comments.
When she was later accused of ruining the vacation by wearing a bikini anyway, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to expect from the situation next.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for wearing a bikini even though my sister just had a baby?”
The OP was on a beach vacation with her family.
“I (26 Female) am on a family vacation (parents, sister Rachel (30 Female), her son (1 Male), her husband Adam (31 Male), and my husband, and our daughter (2).”
“We are by the sea and yesterday was the first time we’d be going to a beach club.”
Rachel had an unexpected request for the OP during their vacation.
“My sister asked me not to wear a bikini or anything revealing because she said both she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body and she really doesn’t want to bring the topic up.”
“Rachel didn’t elaborate, but I presume Adam has made some kind of comments about her post-partum figure, because several times during and after Rachel’s pregnancy, he asked me about my postpartum diet and workout regimen.”
“I was vague about it but did end up telling him I’d had surgery and various non-invasive treatments, and I was clear that diet and exercise were not the deciding factor. He stopped asking after that.”
“Anyway, I said I was sorry she feels that way, but I wasn’t going to spend a day roasting under an umbrella, unable to swim or enjoy myself.”
“I said tons of women would be in bikinis so I didn’t see why I made a difference.”
The OP’s decision had a greater impact than she anticipated.
“We went to the beach and Rachel was a wreck all day and refused to come with us to the beach today.”
“My parents are now saying I’m the AH for not just wearing a cover-up that you can still swim in, and they pointed out that if I keep wearing swimwear, it’s going to ruin the trip.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were totally appalled by how it seemed Adam was treating his wife.
“NTA. I’m sorry, her HUSBAND is not feeling the best about her post-partum body? Your bikini is not the cause of her being a ‘wreck.’ Her own insecurity (which her husband is likely contributing to) is. This is a garbage situation, but you’re not responsible for it.” – Allaboutbird
“NTA.”
“What is wrong with her husband? She carried his child around for nine months, and he doesn’t ‘feel the best’ about her body? What the f**k?!?”
“I get her not feeling 100% about her body, but the husband, I certainly hope he didn’t verbalize his concerns about her body.”
“Who raises people to act like this?”
“The husband is 100% TA here…” – Money-Process-9198
“NTA. Your sister’s husband is the AH.”
“I feel so sorry for your sister. She knew him seeing you in a bikini would mean she’d be emotionally abused later for it with things like, ‘if OP can do it, it’s obviously not in your genes to look the way you do. You’re just a lazy cow, etc, etc, etc.'”
“So I do understand her begging you not to do something that would result in her suffering for it later. She is probably staying in to attempt to mitigate her suffering and probably wishes she hadn’t even come.”
“Knowing what you know, I’d have probably worn a one-piece suit or just a cover-up. But the fact that you didn’t doesn’t make this your fault.”
“Your parents’ blame is misplaced. It belongs at the feet of their AH son-in-law.” – MyHairs0nFire2023
“NTA. Neither is your sister. ADAM is the a**hole. He should be supporting your sister, celebrating what she and her body did. Her body is different, that’s okay, that’s normal, and every body recovers from CHILD BIRTH differently.”
“As someone with severe issues with my body image, my heart hurts for her, but that’s not your responsibility beyond being an ear and a shoulder and a kind word if she needs it.”
“Your covering up wouldn’t have made her feel better. Kicking Adam in the nuts might. Adam is the a**hole.” – CaseyRC
“NTA for wearing the bikini at the beach, but you should show your sister some more empathy. She said both she AND HER HUSBAND are unhappy with her postpartum body. That is VILE. Her husband should not be body shaming your sister who JUST GAVE BIRTH.”
“Ask your sister if she’s okay. Call out your BIL for his disgusting behavior.”
“If my sister told me what she told you, I would be really concerned. I wouldn’t necessarily give in to the demand to not wear a bikini, but I would go out of my way to support her in other ways. It sounds like she needs help.” – EastSeaweed
While others agreed, they could also see how the OP could have helped the situation.
“NTA. Her husband is the AH for making her feel bad, and she’s the AH for putting her body stuff on you.”
“But here’s also a soft YTA to you for being deliberately unhelpful. I voted NTA, because she can’t technically police your clothes, etc., BUT… you didn’t have to roast under an umbrella. You could have worn a tank top over it.”
“Technically, her body doesn’t impact you, but if someone you love is hurting and asks for something as simple as wearing a tank top in a hard time… Why is that so hard? I’d have worn a tank and then planned a tea just us two later to discuss the event and any support she needs.”
“People can be the ah without technically being wrong. You knew it was hurting her and your pride and need to show off or whatever your reason was more important than her feelings.”
“I wouldn’t adjust my clothes forever, but for this one instance while she’s dealing with this intensity… feels kind and right to do the nice thing. So yeah technically NTA, but I don’t feel like the kind thing was chosen, either.” – Glitteringintern89
“I’m really sorry about your sister, but I would like to say YTA. Hold up; let me explain. I agree that it’s her husband’s disgusting behavior about your sister’s body that is the real AH here, but if she asked you not to wear anything, I feel you should have agreed to it.”
“It’s not about you or your rights at all. If my sister asked me to not do anything because it may hurt her in any way, I wouldn’t do it. You have to be more understanding of her, I feel. When you are in a family, sometimes you need to give up some things.”
“Would covering yourself so that your sister doesn’t feel bad be that bad for you? Can’t you wear bikinis any other day? I’m sorry to offend you, but it’s the truth.” – BoardWise7554
“YTA. We can all agree the husband is the main problem, but the bottom line is that she asked you not to wear a bikini because she was insecure, but you did anyway.”
“If someone you cared about went to you and asked this as a favor, the decent thing to do is accept it. Especially since she is dealing with post-partum. You could’ve worn a one-piece suit, but instead, you chose your comfort. That is not okay.” – Conorio1627
“You’re honestly selfish and incredibly lazy. Why would you not be sympathetic to what your sister is going through and just take one for the team? That’s selfish and honestly YTA for that alone.” – TryThatInA_SmallTown
“YTA. The request itself doesn’t particularly matter what it is for you judging whether or not you think her reason is valid. The big picture is that someone you love who loves you had asked you to refrain temporarily from doing something fairly easy and minor and you chose not to respect that. That will damage your relationship with her and with your family. It’s that simple.”
“Like I said what it is doesn’t really matter. She was not asking you to ‘roast under an umbrella’ or to not enjoy yourself ;that is over dramatic and disingenuous. If a bikini is the only way you can enjoy yourself, that would be incredibly shallow and vain.”
“There are plenty of cute comfortable swimsuits you could wear that would have respected her request and still look good. I look good in a bikini but I also have really cute swim shorts, tankinis, etc. I would wear without a big deal if someone I cared about asked me, or better yet not do it on my own if I thought it would make them feel bad.”
“It would not have killed you to care about her feelings for a week instead of disregarding them and invalidating and judging her for them as an excuse for you to do whatever you want and basically telling her to go to h**l.”
“Like it or not, this is how it reads, not just to her but to your other family members. They are not telling her to suck it up and that her husband is the problem. It’s reflecting on you instead and someday you just might need them and ask something of then they don’t agree with and you’ll get disrespect thrown back at you and you’ll see how she feels. That becomes a bigger issue than the initial request.” – WellWellWellthennow
“Adam is the AH for giving his wife this insecurity (and probably other insecurities too) and without knowing more I think she should leave him, it sounds like his priority is her ‘getting hot again,’ which is f**ked up, though I don’t think you are without fault.”
“I won’t go all way to say YTA but you were inconsiderate of your sister, you could have worn non-bikini swimwear.”
“Of course, there will be other women wearing bikinis, but there are two crucial differences between you and them.”
“Rachel is not being compared to the other women, by the sound of Adams’s questions to you, I imagine he has compared her to you a lot. The other thing is you are her sister, she open up to you and admitted she was insecure, and that sh!t is hard, and you just brushed her aside insecurities don’t make sense.”
“I’m gonna make an extreme example but I think it’s comparable: Imagine Adam had broken her, that obviously makes him the AH. If you were still arm punching (not hard, but jokingly) and Rachel asked to stop because it was uncomfortable, you would not look good if you brushed it off with something like this, ‘I’m not punching you that hard; it can’t hurt.'”
“I hope that makes sense and that you all reconcile.” – Aetherfool
While the subReddit was divided on whether the OP could cover the bikini up a little bit or not, they were much more preoccupied with Adam’s behavior and the OP’s sister’s potential need for help.
It seemed that Adam’s questions likely stemmed from comparing the OP’s body with his own wife’s, even during and shortly after her pregnancy, and her sister’s comments were likely rooted in the self-esteem issues she was undoubtedly battling.