So much drama can surround a wedding.
The normal stuff of seating arrangements, menu choices, and color schemes are unavoidable yet doable.
It's the EXTRA drama, like family nonsense or what members of the wedding party may have hooked up.
What happens when beef isn't just on the dinner menu?
Case in point...
Redditor Wonderful_Winter976 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling everyone exactly why I wasn't allowed at my cousin's wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 20 F[emale] have a cousin 23 Female who just got married to her boyfriend of about two years 21 M[ale]'"
"He proposed to her about 4 months ago, and they had their wedding 3 days ago."
"One thing about me and her husband is, we dated in high school for about two years."
"We broke up on good terms."
"We just didn't feel in love with each other anymore and we stayed good friends."
"And then in college, my cousin saw him at a party and then started going out a few months later."
"I was fine with them being together as I have no romantic feelings for him anymore."
"My cousin found out he and I dated in high school because one of our mutual friends was making a joke about how he was moving through our family."
"I didn't tell her because we weren't that close."
"I thought she might be a little shocked but get over it."
"Oh man, I was wrong."
"And then two days before the wedding, I asked her what time it was on."
"She just looked at me and said, 'Oh sorry, girl you're not coming.'"
"Of course, I asked her why."
"She just answered, 'Look, you've put me through enough hurt knowing you're in love with my man.'"
"'Just be a good cousin for once and stop trying to steal him.'"
"'I don't want you at the wedding because you've had an intimate relationship with my future husband just respect that.'"
"I felt so hurt because I spent lots of unpaid time helping her, and I spent my own money on her wedding, and now she won't even let me go?"
"So I got pissed and left, then I sent a text to her saying I want my money back."
"She said no."
"I said if she doesn't give me my money back right now, then I'm telling everyone why I'm not able to go to her wedding; keep in mind I spent hundreds of dollars on her wedding."
"She still said no I'm not giving it back you can tell them I don't care."
"So I did."
"I was pissed and hurt that she would do that to me."
"At this point, there is one day until the wedding, and I posted on Instagram, 'I let my cousin date my ex-boyfriend. Tomorrow is their wedding, and I'm not allowed to go because I was with him first.'"
"She saw that, along with loads of other people from my family, they knew it was about her."
"The family was super mad with her for that, and she came crying to my apartment, calling me a no good (beeping) snake ."
"She told me that because I was such an a**hole, people were dropping out of the wedding."
"I didn't mean that to happen."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If she doesn't want to invite you to her wedding, that's her prerogative."
"However, it's a f**king a**hole move to ALSO not return your money after you spent time and money helping her."
"She deserved what she got." ~ HiddenThinks
"According to a comment by OP, she put money towards the venue, dresses for flower girls, and other similar things."
"I think she definitely deserves her money back if she's not invited. NTA." ~ MemChoeret
"OP and the guy dated in HIGH SCHOOL."
"They broke up while STILL in High School."
"It's literally been years!"
"What was OP supposed to say when Cuz hooks up with him?
"'Hey, ya know that guy you really like? Yeah, I banged him first. Enjoy my sloppies?'"
"Should OP have to confess that she held Bobby Johnson's hand in third grade, so he was once her boyfriend, therefore... nobody date him, y'hear?"
"Cuz is being ridiculous about the whole situation."
"Maybe OP didn't tell her they dated because it simply DIDN'T MATTER." ~ PuddyTatTat
"OP is 100% NTA for wanting the money back and telling people about what happened when the cousin refused to pay her back."
"Might have gone about it in a slightly immature way, but still."
"She had every right to tell people why she's not allowed at the wedding." ~ EmCHammer420
"NTA. If you wanted him and truly loved him and vice versa, it would have been your wedding."
"But you guys split years ago with no lingering feelings and no regrets."
"She has no reason to behave this way." ~ DelightedLurker
"You know it's never the guy's fault."
"They never get the blame, it's all the fault of the 'evil other woman.'"
"NTA- if she wasn't gonna have you at her wedding, she should have told you at the beginning, not after she's milked you for every possible penny she could get."
"She's going on and on about how dare you not tell her you two dated."
"Has it occurred to her that if you had told her when she first saw him, she may not even have dated him?" ~ acegirl1985
"OP you are NTA."
"Let her wedding burn for all you care, all you asked for was your money back, and she said no, tell them and you did."
"She f**ked around and found out." ~ Holiday-Somewhere-96
"In that case, 100% NTA."
"If there were anything between you and your ex, the wedding wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) be happening."
"What on Earth gave cuz the impression you wanted him back?"
"For her to take your money then drop on you at the last minute that you weren't coming is an AH move."
"If she had paid you back, it might've made a difference but as it stands, she got what she had coming." ~ AlpineHaddock
"Ok girl NTA at all."
"If she had sat you down months ago and said 'Hey OP, this is awkward, but I just feel uncomfortable having exes at the wedding, I'm sorry.'"
"I would call her a little high-strung, but it would be understandable."
"But she gladly took your time and money without giving you a heads up that you wouldn't be included."
"She knew exactly what she was doing."
"Plus, if she truly feels she did nothing wrong, then she should have no problem with you posting her decision on social media."
"If she's so innocent, then what's the issue with people knowing exactly what she did?" ~ thrwy_111822
"NTA- It's totally normal in my opinion to not want you in the wedding."
"But to allow you to pay for it and not willing to pay you back that's petty." ~ No-Victory-1773
"I'm going say NTA because for one you told her that you would tell everyone, and she didn't care."
"Also if she wanted to uninvite you, that's up to her."
"But then she should give you your money back."
"Also, her trying to say you are still in love with him and trying to steal him is so childish."
"It was high school and she's acting like yall are still in high school." ~ PenguinMama92
"ESH. Your cousin should have found out from you or her fiancé that you'd dated whenever the two of you realized the connection."
"'I didn't tell her because we weren't that close' is a horrible excuse… same with whatever excuse the fiancé had."
"1) You didn't 'let' anyone date and..."
"2) Nobody cares if you were 'fine' with them being together."
"You don't own your high school boyfriend's future relationships in any way- and if you're not close enough to your cousin to tell her you'd dated him you have no claim to any sort of feelings as to them dating now."
"Her petty jealous behavior crosses the line too."
"She should not have asked for or accepted any help from you if she wasn't going to invite you."
"Especially if she already knew about your past dating history."
"This changes slightly if you had already helped her BEFORE she found out you'd dated her fiancé." ~ No_Location_5565
"NTA. She was warned."
"All you wanted was your money back - and rightfully so!"
"If people are dropping out, it's because she's the one being an AH, not you!" ~ Cool_Candy1315
OP came back with a few more details...
"Ok, I got comments about this that made me realize my storytelling is crap, so here you go..."
"1)'Letting them date,' I don't mean it like that I believe I 'own' him. It's just I wanted to try to make what I did seem justified."
"But it's not, and that was wrong of me."
"2) Family dropping out: just found out only my parents and siblings left."
"3) Her B[oy]F[rined] jumping from family members being an a**hole move: he didn't know we were cousins until we met at a family party."
"And I said it was fine when he asked."
"I helped her pay for the venue they are having it on, which is like at least 7K."
"I didn't pay it all, but I paid at least 300 and on bridesmaids dresses/flower girls, and everyone pitched in for her wedding dress, so that's at least 600."
"Which I was fine with until she said I'm not allowed to come."
"If you have any other questions feel free to ask."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
The situation was explained to your cousin thoroughly.
If she was going to disinvite you, then she should've spoken up sooner.
Reddit wants you to have your money.
It's the least she could do.
Good luck. These family issues can get really nasty.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp