It’s true that we can never know everything going on in a person’s life or mind without living their exact life ourselves.
But it would be wild to discover that someone was married for years without you knowing it, admittedĀ the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor buffythepslayer had married young to her husband who was in the military, and they were in a long-distance relationship while they saved money and competed the life stage they were both in.
But when her roommates discovered that she was “secretly” married,Ā the Original Poster (OP) was shocked at how much they criticized her for it.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not telling my roommates that I’m married?”
The OP was surprised by her roommates’ reactions to her being married.
“So my roommates found out my Big Secretā¢ļø.”
“I’ve been renting a house with three other girls (Stacey, Lynn, and Rebecca). We’re all in our early twenties and are currently in year one of a two-year lease together and have always gotten along.”
“A few weeks ago, I found some pictures from my wedding, and I was so happy about it that I posted them.”
“A few hours later, my Facebook notifications were blowing up and I had several missed calls from my roommates.”
“I didn’t realize this, but they somehow didn’t know, and they are not happy.”
The OP didn’t understand why they were so upset.
“I don’t understand this. They say that I lied to them by ‘bringing another roommate in’ and have ‘completely changed the dynamics of the house.'”
“I haven’t, though? My husband and I got married at the age of 18 before I even started college. For practical reasons, we decided not to live together until I finished school and had the chance to gain some work experience, while he is in the service.”
“I’ve never had him visiting me any more than any other roommate had an overnight guest. I also lived with Stacey and Rebecca during college and quite honestly, they had men over way more than he was ever there.”
“Even now, while we do spend all of his leaves together and I make trips out as often as possible, it would never be anything that would violate a standard lease.”
The roommates and their parents would not let the issue go.
“They say it doesn’t matter because he had the legal right to live here and I ‘just blindsided them with that’ and put them in an awkward position.”
“Rebecca’s parents are mad that I was ever living with them because I’m ‘in a different life stage.'”
“I didn’t! They obviously know he’s the only person I have a romantic relationship with. They know I take long trips to see him and talk to him as much as possible. I wear a wedding ring. I just don’t make announcements.”
“They’re so mad at me and I don’t understand. I’m not different than I was three weeks ago. I don’t think how I conduct my personal relationships changes anything.”
“Aside from obviously having different men (or women) around all the time, my life isn’t different from theirs. Now they’re looking into breaking the lease and I’m freaking out.”
“Am I really the a**hole here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some supported the OP’s marriage, despite the roommates’ reactions.
“NTA.”
“This literally impacts them in absolutely no way at all. Sounds to me like mad jealousy. They’ve probably been mean-girling you behind your back this whole time and now they all feel like morons for assuming lies about you.”
“Sounds to me like they thought your boyfriend was made up or they were s**tting on your relationship and how it’ll never go anywhere. That, or they’re all mad you already have what they want.”
“Now they’re sitting there trying to save face with each other by taking turns sh(tting on you for no reason.”
“Their parents have no business in the situation. Their input has zero importance.”
“Personally, I’d apply for new housing without a word and leave them stuck with the rent gap for being AHes.” – Agitated_Fun_7628
“NTA.”
“You didn’t keep your husband a secret. They’ve met him, they know you travel to see him; you wear a wedding ring.”
“Do you also wear an engagement ring?”
“I imagine your husband wears a wedding ring?”
“What on earth did they think your wedding ring was? They have a brain and can speak. One would think that after all this time they would have asked why you wear a wedding ring.”
“Also, they say it doesn’t matter because he had the legal right to live here. Why do they think he has a legal right to live there? His name isn’t on the lease. He has no more right to live there than their boyfriends do.” – Sajem
“I’m a lot older than OP, but I rented with roommates as a grad student in a city far away from my husband (we drove to see each other every weekend). When I was trying to find a place to rent, I was turned down flat by a lot of potential roommates because I was married.”
“Initially, I told prospective roommates I was married and that my husband would probably be there two weekends every month. A lot of people seemed uncomfortable with that, like he would move in, or be a secret third roommate or something. Eventually, I just referred to him as my partner, and that seemed to be easier for people to accept.”
“I wear a ring, and I did eventually tell everyone I wound up living with that I was married. The background of my computer is a picture from our wedding. I referred to my husband as ‘my husband, so-and-so’. It wasn’t a secret. He drove out every other weekend, got in late Friday, hung out with a friend in town while I studied, picked up takeout for us to eat for dinner, and left on Sunday afternoon.”
“I don’t know how I could avoid referring to my husband as my husband. That part is super weird. Also, OP sounds young to be married, in my opinion. Maybe it’s a military marriage; I know a few people who got married very young because one person was in the military.”
“However, I can tell you that it is weirdly difficult to find a room in a shared house as a married person. NTA to OP, though; she did what she had to do with no harm to her roommates.” – bootsforever
But others understood why the OP’s roommates were thrown off by the new information.
“NTA, I guess, but that’s super effing weird. How have you never mentioned he was your husband or talked about your wedding, or made any reference at all?”
“To want to break the lease is very extreme, but you are in a different stage of life than they are, and maybe they would not have chosen to live with a married woman. I don’t get that at all, but it’s so weird that you being married never came up… it does seem like you were hiding it for some reason.” – OddSpeed5862
“NTA, but I find it weird that you lived with two people through college, and the fact that you were married didn’t even come up once… Are you even friends with these people, because it doesn’t sound like you know each other very well?” – random_cookie_
“YTAā¦ who rocks up to college with a husband and doesnāt tell their roommates. You are red flagging all over the place, in my honest opinion.”
“If I found out my approximately 20-year-old daughter was in your roommateās situation, sheād be moving out as soon as possible. Your husband may have never intended to move in, but things happen, and then all of a sudden, my daughter is living with some rando dude.”
“Beyond that, Iād be concerned about her having a roommate that has your lack of judgment or cluelessness or both. In many states, the parent’s concerns about the husband’s rights to reside in the apartment are correct… the OP’s spouse has tenants’ rights just by being married to her, and if he has ever stayed there, in some states, he can even claim it is the marital residence?! This is not not-a-big-deal.” – Ellen6723
“So weird! Sheās lived with them for years while she was married, and the words ‘my husband’ never came out of her mouth. That would take a lot of deliberate effort.”
“The roommates knew she was at least dating him, he visited them, he also never mentioned they were married, and none of them ever asked OP if they were getting serious, or planning on getting married. Never noticed she had a ring on her finger?”
“Kinda hard to believe someone could keep this a secret for so long from people they live with, and OP acts like she wasnāt even trying to, it just somehow never came up.” – EmilyAnne1170
“Iām not just asking if they asked about you marrying your husband. Iām asking if in four or more years, your friends truly never once asked you about marriage as a concept or something you might do.”
“In four or more years, none of your friends ever asked you a single question about your thoughts on marriage, whether you wanted to get married someday, or whether you thought you might marry your boyfriend?”
“You never once watched a movie or tv show with a wedding and talked about what kind of weddings you all might want? You have had zero friends get engaged and zero conversations about your own thoughts about engagements and marriages?”
“Three women in their twenties who have known and lived together for years have never had a single conversation about this?”
“Why didnāt you tell your freshmen year roommate that you had just gotten married and had a husband? Why didnāt you introduce him to her, or anyone, as your husband?” – NakedStreets
Some wondered about the legal implications of the OP’s marriage while living with roommates.
“I don’t know, every lease I’ve ever signed (in Massachusetts) has specifically said in the language of the lease that my spouse and any children of the marriage born during the course of the lease are also considered tenants without having to be separately named or sign.”
“It also probably depends on state; in New York, it’s evidently the case that your spouse automatically has tenant rights if you sign a lease (according to my dad who was licensed to practice there at the time he was advising me on the matter).”
“This is probably a hangover from the days when husbands signed all the legal documents for anything within a marriage back in the ‘women couldn’t have bank accounts’ days, but some states still have that language in their boilerplate lease templates. My leases certainly always have.”
“I do think the whole thing is weird and the roommates are overreacting, but they don’t have a totally baseless complaint here either.” – Isanort
“Mild YTA under a condition.”
“If I was a young woman, I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting a lease with someone whose male partner had the legal right to live and be in my place of residence. Young woman has the right to choose living accommodations based on her preferences. If she would have made a different decision knowing that, I think she’s fine to be upset about it.”
“There is a hypothetical situation here where he makes her uncomfortable and she can’t avoid having him in her home. I don’t think it matters how likely he is to actually do that for the concern to be valid.”
“So if by being married he does have the right to be there per the lease, then YTA. If it doesn’t give him the right you be there and he is legally obligated to follow normal guest policies, then it’s fine.” – educatedkoala
“I appreciate that he might be in the service, but for me, it would be about legal risk related to my kid’s housing. I can understand your roommates being hurt about you not telling them on a personal level, but that is your choice to not tell them (I think that is odd but not AH behavior).”
“But your legal status as married has potential implications (I don’t know where you live) to the rights and access your husband has to the property in the lease you signed with your roommates. For me, that makes your non-disclosure of this information rise to the level of being unacceptable.”
“I’m not saying he’s moving in tomorrow or that you had any malicious intent, but the reality is your roommates could do f**k-all if he decided tomorrow he’s moving in. It isn’t that he will; it is that he could and they now have zero legal standing if they didn’t agree to it.” – Ellen6723
“They’ve met him, know that she goes to see him, knows they’re together. They also know that OP and her husband don’t own the house. They also know that only they signed the lease.”
“So this is either hysteria and panic born out of lack of or misinformation, or there is something else going on here, e.g. the mother’s comment about her being in a different life stage. It’s almost as if everyone had plans and thoughts and now with this OP has messed up ‘something.'” – cakivalue
Even with the comments, the OP was still conflicted about her friends’ reactions.
“Some people referenced the legal risk of being a married woman in this living situation, but I still don’t get what the legal risk is?”
“It’s just not practical for him to suddenly show up and demand to live here. It may be legal, but that doesn’t mean it’s definitely going to happen.”
“I’d think they would know that because two of them have given keys to men they’ve been with in the past. They didn’t have the legal right to do it, but they still did and those dudes ended up breaking far more boundaries when they were here than someone who may technically have the right to have or will.”
“I’m willing to check out the rules in my state and reassure everyone that this was never going to happen because he’s stationed too far away. Truthfully, it might not be a bad time to bring up that I’ll likely be subletting my room out for the last 3-6 months of the lease as well.”
“Also, I’ve never even had him over longer than what’s acceptable on any standard lease for guests.”
She also elaborated on how she and her husband came up with this plan.
“We had a long-term plan to be as stable as possible before living a traditional married life, and this period is part of it (and ending sooner rather than later anyway). But it is in no way a ‘fake marriage.'”
“He is in base housing, but I consider it my home as well. It’s my legal address, and I have 80% of my stuff there aside from clothes. I’m actually making more trips up there now to further pare down what’s here.”
“If they won’t work this out with me, getting a new lease for myself would not really be worth it. If I really can’t stay here somehow, I’ll just go live with my husband a few months earlier than we’d planned.”
“I was never going to renew this lease and was more than likely going to sublet my room for the last three to six months anyway, depending on what happens with his orders. I was really hoping to hit a year first, but six months is still a great start.”
The subReddit completely understood a couple living a somewhat unconventional lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs to save money and begin their lives together from a better professional position.
But beyond that point, they were much more divided over how the OP was carrying herself, including how she was communicating her marriage with the people in her life. Whether she had malicious intentions for her roommates or not, there was reason enough for them to be confused about the sudden life update or to even be concerned about what it could mean for them.