Content warning: suicide.
We’ve all been through some tough things in our lives, and sometimes, it’s super obvious to us whose fault it is that we’re going through this tough time.
But as it turns out, there are times when it isn’t that person’s fault at all, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Looking back at her childhood, Redditor Expensive_Page_8666 was certain that it was her sister’s fault that her childhood had been messed up, because everything had changed when she dated her boyfriend.
She was so sure about this, the Original Poster (OP) contemplated not even attending her sister’s wedding because of her hatred of that boyfriend, now her fiancé.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for telling my sister I won’t attend her wedding because I hate her fiancé?”
The OP never liked her sister’s boyfriend, Mark.
“My sister, Brooke (32 Female), has been together with Mark (32 Male) since freshman year of high school.”
“As far as I (25 Female) understand it, they did not want to get married initially because Brooke is vehemently child-free, and Mark agrees with her, but they have decided to hold a wedding and commitment ceremony next spring after a lot of years of back and forth.”
“The problem is, I’ve known Mark since I was a kid (he started coming around to the house a lot when he and Brooke were sophomores in high school, so I was eight or so when I first met him as Brooke’s boyfriend), and I have basically hated him the whole time.”
“I’ve tried to be polite, particularly now that we are all adults, but I just don’t want to go to the wedding of my sister and the guy she’s always put before her family.”
The OP believed that Brooke and Mark were at fault for what went wrong in her childhood.
“As an example, when Brooke and Mark started dating, Brooke went from eating dinner at home with the rest of us every night to going out two or three times a week with Mark and his friends.”
“This was against our parent’s rules and caused a lot of arguments that negatively impacted both me and our younger sister Jenny (now 22 Female), who was barely in kindergarten at the time and didn’t understand what was going on.”
“Brooke and our parents started fighting basically every night, and it was incredibly disruptive to our home life. My sister went from being my best friend to a stranger, and Mark was the one encouraging it.”
“The stress of those years was so bad, I had to repeat fourth grade (failed math), and I was bullied really badly for that. I stopped going to school looking nice because there was so much tension in the home that no one was paying attention to whether or not I had clean clothes.”
“Jenny also struggled academically and socially but I was able to step in and help her more with things like getting dressed and packing her lunch, so she doesn’t remember those years as negatively as I do.”
The negativity continued as Brook went off to college.
“Of course, as soon as Brooke and Mark graduated, he convinced her to move across the country to go to college.”
“Our parents were really hurt by this and there were a few years where she didn’t come home over Christmas or summers.”
“Eventually, things cooled down when I was in high school and Brooke started making more contact with our family, but Mark would do things like glare at our parents over the dinner table and suddenly declare that it was time for them to go.”
The OP wasn’t sure she wanted to be involved in Brooke’s next chapter.
“I don’t think I should have to go to the wedding of my sister and this guy who stole her from us, and I am planning on RSVPing ‘no’ when the time comes.”
“Our family has been minimally involved in wedding planning, and I am not in the bridal party or anything like that (they are all friends of Brooke and Mark’s from the hospital where they work).”
“WIBTA? (Would I Be the A**hole?)”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP she’d ruin her relationship with her sister by not attending.
“I’m ‘Mark’ in this case. My husband is from an old-school Eastern European family and he is the firstborn and only boy.”
“When we started dating, I really encouraged him to grow, become autonomous, and have a voice, because growing up, he was basically made to feel like his feelings didn’t matter and he just needed to do what he was told.”
“His family (parents and sister) did NOT respond well and have blamed me for EVERYTHING. We’ve been together 12 years now and my husband basically has no relationship with his sister anymore and is in low contact with his parents as a direct result of how they’ve treated me and our relationship.”
“OP is headed for a no or low contact situation if he doesn’t lay off her poor sister and work on being a better family member. Oh and YTA big time, OP.” – NotTheOne_88
“Soooo… Your parents have basically neglected you and your little sister because they were fighting with their eldest and you blame her boyfriend? Wow.”
“He didn’t ‘steal’ your sister from her family. He didn’t force her to fight with your parents. They created an unhealthy environment and made her choose.”
“YTA. But sorry for you s**tty childhood, you deserved better.” – VanillaSenior
“My sister and I are in our 40s. When I was 15, she was 12, and I didn’t wanna hang out with her. At the time, this really hurt her feelings, but now, we have talked about it and she said, we were in different developmental stages and it made sense for a 15-year-old to not want to hang out with a 13-year-old.”
“Now that we’re 40 and 43, we’re each other’s best friends. You could have had that too, except you refuse to acknowledge that it’s normal for a 15-year-old to break away from the family as they try to be independent and not want to hang out with a child.”
“Your parents suck if they let typical teen s**t stop them from taking care of their two younger daughters. YTA. Your sister and brother-in-law are the only non-a**holes in this scenario.” – McJazzHands80
“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but YTA for blaming all your family’s problems on Mark.”
“It sounds like there was fighting because Brooke wanted some freedom and space, and I can see why if you guys are still trying to guilt her for leaving for college and blaming any problem you have on her relationship. Your parents’ neglect is their own fault, not Mark’s.”
“Mark didn’t ‘steal’ her from you guys, she doesn’t belong to you. Brooke wanted to get some distance from her family and it sounds like it’s probably the healthiest thing for her, to be honest.” – jennnjennjen
Others empathized with the OP and realized she’d been trained to think this way.
“NAH. My younger siblings felt the same way you do a few years ago. They saw me causing rifts in the family. All they knew was that every time I was home there was gonna be fighting.”
“But what they didn’t see, was the years of abuse that led up to that. They didn’t see my depression and suicidal thoughts and actions. They didn’t recognize that I was simultaneously parentified, but also made the scapegoat of the family. They didn’t see that those arguments and his screaming and throwing things were only because I finally started standing up for myself for the first time in my life.”
“We have since been able to talk through it, and we have all cut off contact with the sperm donor and have great relationships with each other now.”
“The way you feel is completely understandable, and it’s a really common dynamic. But if you had a conversation with her about it, I think you might learn a lot.” – Daisy_Marie_W
“NAH. It sounds like Brooke was acting like your typical teenager, and for some reason, you are blaming her normal teenage development for things that happened around childhood. Maybe those things were your parents’ fault, and maybe they weren’t, but they definitely weren’t your sister’s fault or her boyfriend’s fault.” – CreatrixAnima
“This reads strangely to me… You failed math because your teenage sister started having dinner with her boyfriend? Your sister was a teenager. That’s just something that teenagers do. If anything, it seems like you should be angry at your parents.”
“I’m going to say NAH only because if you really believe that your sister caused all this pain, you are in dire need of some counseling.”
“But you should not be treating her and her fiancé like that. I fail to see how they have done anything wrong (besides Brooke maybe having a bit of a rebellious streak when your parents had unreasonable rules, which does not at all justify years of anger).” – cajolinghail
“NAH. I could’ve written this post, holy crap. I went through the SAME THING with my older sibling suddenly breaking away from the family and causing all the backlash to fall on me and my younger siblings. My parents had no one to lose their s**t on except for all the rest of their children stuck in the house as captives.”
“The thing was, my sibling was doing normal teenage things, and the real issue was our crazy parents. I even knew that at the time, but d**n it if I didn’t still absolutely hate and resent the s**t out of them for it.”
“I have no advice other than therapy. I’ve been through therapy, and I’m still establishing boundaries and working to accept my feelings about the past. Boundaries might be helpful for you as well to establish yourself outside of the family dynamic that it sounds like you are still a part of.”
“This is not a black-and-white problem where a single person (Mark) is at fault. It’s a collection of everyone (parents, sister, Mark) making bad decisions for years where you were the one taking on the fallout. Figure out which bad decisions you are able to forgive and let yourself feel what you need to for the ones you can’t.” – TheSkinnyJeans
After receiving feedback, the OP’s eyes were opened to the realities of her home life.
“I am getting a lot of feedback that Brooke was potentially parentified. If anyone has recommendations for podcasts or books about that, I would appreciate it.”
“I think I need to learn more about her experiences before I decide about the wedding since we used to be close, and it would be unfortunate to lose the relationship entirely (which is what some commenters think will happen if I skip the wedding). Thank you.”
“But also, please stop attacking my parents. They have their faults, but they did not have many resources when we were young.”
“It’s important to me to support them now that they are older and can’t work, but I also want to support Brooke and understand better now that I have not been handling this in a mature way.”
“I will be apologizing to her and asking for more of her perspective on things from our childhood. I’m going to stop reading now, but I appreciate your help. Thank you.”
The subReddit could understand that the OP was going through something, but they could all agree that what she was going through had nothing to do with her sister and future brother-in-law.
Rather, this was related to the family dynamic that she grew up in and was taught to believe was normal. If she talked to her sister and listened to her side of the story from those earlier years of dating Mark, the OP might realize that attending her sister’s wedding would actually be a no-brainer.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/