All relationships have issues, but sometimes people push that one button that makes it all go up in flames.
Redditor Appropriate-Pea-156 encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for insulting my boyfriend’s weight in front of his friends?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Relevant to the story: My boyfriend is 6ft / 183cm and 229 lb / 104kg.”
“I am 5ft6 / 168cm and 120 lb / 54.4kg.”
“From a medical standpoint, my boyfriend is obese and I am a fairly normal weight. I really don’t mind his weight – he was obese when I met him, and that wasn’t a problem for me.”
“He has struggled with his weight for many years and constantly talks about wanting lose weight, but never actually diets / exercises.”
“Again, not a huge deal for me, but I try to be supportive and offer him advice or general encouragement whenever he discusses his desire to lose weight.”
OP’s boyfriend makes uncomfortable comments.
“An occasional point of contention between us is that he has a tendency to offer me diet advice. For example, whenever I make a smoothie, he says, ‘You shouldn’t drink those things. They’re full of hidden calories’.”
“Or when I do strength training, he says, ‘You’ll just gain weight because you’ll put on too much muscle’.”
“It’s annoying because nutrition & fitness are actually big passions of mine. I’m not an expert by any means, but I’ve done several courses and I feel I know more than the average person.”
“Plus, I feel that I can demonstrably show that I can manage my own weight, so I don’t like that he constantly feels the need to give me advice.”
The conflict grew this past weekend.
“This past weekend, he and I met up with a few of his mates at a beer garden. At some point, the guys were talking about their experiences with online dating.”
“My boyfriend said that he’d used Tinder prior to meeting me, but that he deleted it because there were ‘too many desperate fat chicks.’ He said this in such a disgusted, dismissive way, that I genuinely saw red for a second and just blurted out, ‘Seriously? You’re going to criticize fat chicks?'”
“There was a really long, awkward pause, and then one of his friends made a joke and the conversation sort of moved on, but my boyfriend didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.”
“He texted me the next day to say that it was incredibly rude and disrespectful to comment on his weight, especially in front of his friends. He says he thinks he wants a few days away from me to decide whether or not he can forgive me.”
“I agree it was rude of me to call him out in front of his friends, but I also think what he said was obnoxious and borderline sexist. I’ve apologized to him, but I’m not sure if I’m genuinely the a**hole here.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“I was SO ready with the alternative judgement but NTA. Maybe you could have phrased it differently, but I’m not surprised you were gobsmacked at the audacity and the double standard.”
“He’s allowed to prefer a type but as you say, the disgust with which he expressed it would have upset me too.” ~ EssexCatWoman
“That’s true. His argument to me is that as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t mention weight or anything demeaning about him in public. Which I agree with, to a certain extent – it probably came across as if I were trying to belittle him in front of his guy friends.”
“But the way he said it really upset me on a personal level, especially in context of his constant diet advice to me. I don’t think he should be ashamed of his weight, but sometimes it feels like he’s completely oblivious to it.” ~ Appropriate-Pea-156
“Well, as your boyfriend he shouldn’t speak about women as if their only redeeming quality is their body. Would he be ok with you discussing how attracted you were to various men’s bodies in the same setting?”
“If you said something like ‘If he doesn’t have a six pack he’s not worth my time.'” ~ Music_withRocks_In
“NTA. It wasn’t borderline sexist. It was just plain sexist.”
“I know a guy who was certainly on the larger side and used to moan he was single. On the odd occasion I would suggest an intro to women I knew who had similar interests to him he’d dismiss them as not his type because they were overweight, etc. and it was infuriating because he would just reduce these women to how much they weighed when he was hardly Brad Pitt himself.” ~ Herps15
Many argued their relationship had some deeper issues.
“Oh girl, she needs to kick his a** to the curb! As if he would have the audacity to let her know he thinks of her for her looks over anything else” ~ Herps15
“‘You should apologize for calling me out and holding me accountable for my shitty behavior’” ~ Herps15
“This is the relationship dynamic with one of my uncles and his wife. He told a large number of people at my brother’s wedding a few years ago that he was withholding sex because his wife gained 10 lbs after she was wheelchair bound post-knee surgery.”
“He literally told her (in front of everyone) that when she was back to 135 lbs, he would resume relations. She’s over 60 years old, 5’8″, has had 3 children, and has chronic illnesses that mess with her mobility and my uncle is out here pissed off that she was 145 lbs.”
“Mind you, he’s obese himself and pretty much always has been. The worst part: she agreed with him that she needed to lose weight and apologized. I just don’t understand staying in a relationship like that–she’s no shrinking violet by any stretch, but she puts up with him.” ~ something_facetious
OP added an update.
“Yeah, we broke up. I feel lighter.”
Just don’t comment on people’s weight unless you can handle it being reciprocated.