Healthy relationships take work through open communication and actions that make the other person feel they are loved and appreciated.
Redditor universalshowdown is a 21-year-old male who waited too long to make his 19-year-old girlfriend happy on one special occasion.
Now that he's feeling guilty for upsetting her, he visited the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for not planning anything for my girlfriend's birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 21M and my girlfriend is 19F, her birthday is at the beginning of February. We have been dating for over two years and we have lived together since the end of 2019."
"My girlfriend is upset with me for 'not really planning anything' for her birthday this year."
"She had been asking me since maybe November if she should take off work for a trip or something and I just kept telling her I didn't know because at that point I wasn't sure what I was going to do."
"About a week ago her older sister texted me and asked me if I was planning anything for her birthday because my girlfriend had expressed she was disappointed I hadn't."
"I decided that night I was going to plan a cabin trip for her. I told my girlfriend to try to get a couple days off work for it."
"She asked her boss the next day, but her boss said she couldn't have it because she didn't ask sooner."
"My girlfriend is super upset and has been crying over it the past couple days. She says it's my fault because she had been asking me for months whether or not she should take off work for it and I never would tell her anything and now it's too late."
"I told her I would try to throw her another party this year but she said she didn't want one because last year she ended up having to clean the house before it."
"I admit, she did clean for her own party, but that's only because I don't care as much about how clean the house is when it's just family coming over."
"She also says she always puts way more thought into my birthdays than I do for hers. Last year she planned a cabin trip for my birthday in June and in December she has already booked a trip somewhere we have both always wanted to go (not saying for privacy) weeklong on my birthday week."
"My mom also told me she had already contacted a local bakery in the place where we will be going for a cake. I'll admit, it is a great gift."
"I kind of feel like an a**hole for the plans falling through and her not being able to get off work, but the way I see it, I did TRY to plan something for her and I will still get her gifts."
"AITA here?"
In an update, the OP wrote:
"I just got home from work and asked her to talk. I offered to take her to the cabins on Valentine's Day weekend instead and she said if she couldn't get off for her birthday why would she be able to get the same amount of days off for only a few days later and stuff would probably already be booked."
"I then offered to take her to a local restaurant she has been talking about wanting to eat at. She said she didn't want to go and to just forget about doing anything for her birthday—she was over it."
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors applied YTA for the OP and criticized him for his notion of what "planning" is.
"YTA. You were planning last-minute. Planning is also timing."
"You can't plan something a second before and expect everything to be ready and everyone has no complications. You didn't plan anything, only tried to when asked more about it."
"Otherwise, you wouldn't have planned anything. Be a better boyfriend." – littenwastaken
"'I did plan something but the plans just fell through' What? No? Plans didn't fall through, you 'planned' something without enough time to actually put the plan in place."
"Plans fall through when plans have been made and something unexpectedly comes up that interferes with it." – ladancer22
"Also he admits that last year she had to clean before her own party and uses the excuse that she cares more about whether the house is clean than he does…"
"But it's her birthday? When it's someone's birthday you make sure that the things they care about that are within your control are the way they like them especially if you contributed to the mass."
"Like a lot of women wear lingerie for their boyfriends birthdays even if they don't really care about how they look in it to please them and this was just cleaning A damn house." – BasicChick314
"The thing with this birthday present is that it certainly seems like she has the money to spend on a cabin trip if that's all that mattered to her."
"The gift wasn't OP paying for the trip it was him doing all the work of planning the damn thing. Work like finding a good cabin that meets their desires for the rest of the activities (is it near cross country trails if that's what she loves doing or close to a great Thai restaurant because that's her favourite), making needed reservations, figuring out travel logistics, planning groceries if they are doing meals in the cabin etc."
"It's hours of work that someone needs to do otherwise you arrive at your destination with nowhere to sleep. By skipping out on that part, OP failed to give a gift but also robbed her of the time needed to plan her own celebration."
"She even tried giving him a heads up for months about how he needed to let her know in advance for this to work. Not only did he drop the ball here, he clearly isn't listening to her about her wants and needs, doesn't respect her knowledge from previous experience, and he takes for granted all the work she does for him and their shared vacations."
"And as far as throwing her a surprise birthday at her house without bothering to tidy up first because 'he doesn't care about mess', is he in some sort of reality show competition on how to make it obvious that you don't care about your partner's feelings?"
"He didn't even help with the cleaning once she expressed the desire to have the place look better!" – AlwaysBetOnRead
"YTA. Last minute isn't 'planning.' If this is how you treat the person you love, how do you treat people you don't care about? Yikes." – arizonakarenina
"YTA. Dude, advice for you: don't do sh*t last minute. It's rude and actually kind of thoughtless."
"You aren't putting real effort in. You should have booked the days off and the cabin at least 2 months in advance, maybe more."
"A lot of guys have a huge problem of 'phoning it in' on their ladies for special events."
"It's on her if she said she didn't want anything but based on your telling she's been pretty clear about her expectation this year. You needed to act and you dawdled."
"You should also seriously make sure NONE of the prep work falls on her, and includes making the house spiffy for a party. Suck it up and scrub!" – Cat_in_an_oak_tree
Overall, Redditors agreed the OP was the a**hole for missing an opportunity to make his girlfriend feel special, especially after everything she's done for him on his birthdays.
Hopefully, the OP can redeem himself with an alternative Valentine's Day "plan" that doesn't fall through.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.