Healthy relationships take work through open communication and actions that make the other person feel they are loved and appreciated.
Redditor universalshowdown is a 21-year-old male who waited too long to make his 19-year-old girlfriend happy on one special occasion.
Now that he’s feeling guilty for upsetting her, he visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not planning anything for my girlfriend’s birthday?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 21M and my girlfriend is 19F, her birthday is at the beginning of February. We have been dating for over two years and we have lived together since the end of 2019.”
“My girlfriend is upset with me for ‘not really planning anything’ for her birthday this year.”
“She had been asking me since maybe November if she should take off work for a trip or something and I just kept telling her I didn’t know because at that point I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.”
“About a week ago her older sister texted me and asked me if I was planning anything for her birthday because my girlfriend had expressed she was disappointed I hadn’t.”
“I decided that night I was going to plan a cabin trip for her. I told my girlfriend to try to get a couple days off work for it.”
“She asked her boss the next day, but her boss said she couldn’t have it because she didn’t ask sooner.”
“My girlfriend is super upset and has been crying over it the past couple days. She says it’s my fault because she had been asking me for months whether or not she should take off work for it and I never would tell her anything and now it’s too late.”
“I told her I would try to throw her another party this year but she said she didn’t want one because last year she ended up having to clean the house before it.”
“I admit, she did clean for her own party, but that’s only because I don’t care as much about how clean the house is when it’s just family coming over.”
“She also says she always puts way more thought into my birthdays than I do for hers. Last year she planned a cabin trip for my birthday in June and in December she has already booked a trip somewhere we have both always wanted to go (not saying for privacy) weeklong on my birthday week.”
“My mom also told me she had already contacted a local bakery in the place where we will be going for a cake. I’ll admit, it is a great gift.”
“I kind of feel like an a**hole for the plans falling through and her not being able to get off work, but the way I see it, I did TRY to plan something for her and I will still get her gifts.”
“AITA here?”
In an update, the OP wrote:
“I just got home from work and asked her to talk. I offered to take her to the cabins on Valentine’s Day weekend instead and she said if she couldn’t get off for her birthday why would she be able to get the same amount of days off for only a few days later and stuff would probably already be booked.”
“I then offered to take her to a local restaurant she has been talking about wanting to eat at. She said she didn’t want to go and to just forget about doing anything for her birthday—she was over it.”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors applied YTA for the OP and criticized him for his notion of what “planning” is.
“YTA. You were planning last-minute. Planning is also timing.”
“You can’t plan something a second before and expect everything to be ready and everyone has no complications. You didn’t plan anything, only tried to when asked more about it.”
“Otherwise, you wouldn’t have planned anything. Be a better boyfriend.” – littenwastaken
“’I did plan something but the plans just fell through’ What? No? Plans didn’t fall through, you ‘planned’ something without enough time to actually put the plan in place.”
“Plans fall through when plans have been made and something unexpectedly comes up that interferes with it.” – ladancer22
“Also he admits that last year she had to clean before her own party and uses the excuse that she cares more about whether the house is clean than he does…”
“But it’s her birthday? When it’s someone’s birthday you make sure that the things they care about that are within your control are the way they like them especially if you contributed to the mass.”
“Like a lot of women wear lingerie for their boyfriends birthdays even if they don’t really care about how they look in it to please them and this was just cleaning A damn house.” – BasicChick314
“The thing with this birthday present is that it certainly seems like she has the money to spend on a cabin trip if that’s all that mattered to her.”
“The gift wasn’t OP paying for the trip it was him doing all the work of planning the damn thing. Work like finding a good cabin that meets their desires for the rest of the activities (is it near cross country trails if that’s what she loves doing or close to a great Thai restaurant because that’s her favourite), making needed reservations, figuring out travel logistics, planning groceries if they are doing meals in the cabin etc.”
“It’s hours of work that someone needs to do otherwise you arrive at your destination with nowhere to sleep. By skipping out on that part, OP failed to give a gift but also robbed her of the time needed to plan her own celebration.”
“She even tried giving him a heads up for months about how he needed to let her know in advance for this to work. Not only did he drop the ball here, he clearly isn’t listening to her about her wants and needs, doesn’t respect her knowledge from previous experience, and he takes for granted all the work she does for him and their shared vacations.”
“And as far as throwing her a surprise birthday at her house without bothering to tidy up first because ‘he doesn’t care about mess’, is he in some sort of reality show competition on how to make it obvious that you don’t care about your partner’s feelings?”
“He didn’t even help with the cleaning once she expressed the desire to have the place look better!” – AlwaysBetOnRead
“YTA. Last minute isn’t ‘planning.’ If this is how you treat the person you love, how do you treat people you don’t care about? Yikes.” – arizonakarenina
“YTA. Dude, advice for you: don’t do sh*t last minute. It’s rude and actually kind of thoughtless.”
“You aren’t putting real effort in. You should have booked the days off and the cabin at least 2 months in advance, maybe more.”
“A lot of guys have a huge problem of ‘phoning it in’ on their ladies for special events.”
“It’s on her if she said she didn’t want anything but based on your telling she’s been pretty clear about her expectation this year. You needed to act and you dawdled.”
“You should also seriously make sure NONE of the prep work falls on her, and includes making the house spiffy for a party. Suck it up and scrub!” – Cat_in_an_oak_tree
Overall, Redditors agreed the OP was the a**hole for missing an opportunity to make his girlfriend feel special, especially after everything she’s done for him on his birthdays.
Hopefully, the OP can redeem himself with an alternative Valentine’s Day “plan” that doesn’t fall through.