The planning, stress and money that goes into orchestrating a wedding can be overwhelming, even for the ones not getting married.
So, what happens when a bridesmaid pays out thousands in purchases and events only to find out that she’s no longer welcome in the bridal party?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) trashgirlfriend when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“WIBTA if I go on vacation instead of my brothers wedding?”
A little bit of history.
“My brother Tom (36m) and I (26f) have never had a really solid relationship, due to our age gap we didn’t spend much time and by the time I was old enough to develop a personality he was moved out of the house.”
“For the last two years my brother and his fiance Sarah (32f) have been planning their wedding.”
“And it’s coming up in September.”
“I was asked to be a bridesmaid.”
“I figured I was only asked as a courtesy since I’m her soon to be sister in law but I still took it seriously. I have been a bridesmaid for the last two years.”
A very expensive dress.
“Just a few weeks ago I managed to save up to buy the 800-dollar bridesmaid dress.”
“Over all in the last two years between group outings to parties, dinners, lunches, clothes, etc… I spent thousands of dollars.”
“Eventually all the girls in the wedding and I became extremely close and I started to get hyped for the wedding.”
“Sarah recently got close with her brother’s wife Becky (30f).”
A sudden change.
“Last week she dropped the ball on me that she no longer wants me to be a bridesmaid and she would prefer if Becky would take my place.”
“It broke my heart a little but it’s her wedding and it’s not my place to tell her how to run it so I said it was fine.”
“Yesterday I went to my brother’s house to pick up the bridesmaid’s dress, and was going to see if I could return it since it was within the time frame.”
“Sarah was completely appalled and said that Becky was going to wear it since she and I are the same size.”
“I said that would be fine, but they would have to pay me the 800 for it.”
“Sarah said that Becky couldn’t afford and I should just be nice and let her use it and said that I could keep it after the wedding.”
“I explained that I’m not just giving away the dress, and I’m not ever going to use it after the wedding.”
“After some bickering back and forth, I just ended up taking it and leaving.”
“My brother and Sarah tried to compromise with me and say I could be ‘the assistant flower girl’ and I felt offended at the offer.”
“After I said no, they then said that Becky could give me 250 bucks for it. Again no, and I returned the dress and got a full refund.”
“I told them I understand that it’s their wedding, but they are being extremely disrespectful to me, and I don’t need to deal with it, and I’m not going to the wedding.”
An interesting offer.
“Today my coworker says she has an extra round trip plane ticket to go to Miami that she’ll sell to me for half price plus, I would have to pay for half the hotel, and I can go hang out with her in Florida.”
“The only downside is that I’ll be in Florida for the week of my brother’s wedding.”
OP was left to wonder.
“So will I be the a**hole if I just go party in miami instead of going to my brother’s wedding?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
I mean…it’s Miami.
“NTA….SIL prefers Becky and you prefer Miami.” ~ Adventurous_Ad_7679
“GO TO MIAMI!”
“Your brother and SIL are being terrible.”
“They could just add another bridesmaid if there was suddenly a person that needed to be included.”
“And at the very least, should be paying you for the dress AND other costs you already incurred for being a bridesmaid.”
“Go sit on the beach in Miami, have a fun cocktail, swim in the ocean, and dance in the bars. You won’t regret it.” ~ mfruitfly
“Outside of a malicious bridesmaid who doesn’t support the wedding, there was no reason to kick you out of the wedding.”
“She could have easily added a bridesmaid without asking someone to step down.”
“It’s appalling that she thought she could take the bridesmaid dress you paid for.”
“It’s her wedding, and she can do what she wants, but the consequence of being sh*tty to people is they don’t want anything to do with you.”
“Also for your brother sucks. If I treated my husband’s family like that, no matter how distance he was to them, we wouldn’t have been married.” ~ northshore21
“NTA – how can someone logically conclude that it’s ok to pass on a brand new dress without compensating the original owner, considering it’s within the return timeline.”
“I mean, I just cannot get around that bit.”
“Everything else, while sh*tty, I get how that can happen. But goddamn, the dress thing just doesn’t make sense at all” ~ lifeiswonderful-1990
“‘Just a few weeks ago, I managed to save up to buy the 800-dollar bridesmaid dress'”
“‘Sarah said that Becky couldn’t afford it and I should just be nice and let her use it and said that I could keep it after the wedding.'”
“And the fact the dress was being kept at their house makes me wonder if it was only last minute because it was the plan all along, but it took OP longer to save the money than they expected.”
“It seems overly complicated, but the timing is… Suspicious” ~ GirlWhoCriedOW
“Yeah I’ll tinfoil hat with you on this. They’re also the same size” ~ seensham
“Definitely, and in terms of bridesmaid dresses, too, which tend to be a little more precise sizing (especially at the high triple digits price point) than some sweater from your local high street store.”
“And bride’s SIL wasn’t ‘that close’ with the bride, but OP wasn’t ‘that close’ with the groom, so it would make zero sense to offer OP a bridesmaid position and not the bride’s SIL based purely on not being ‘that close'”.
“Whole thing stinks.” ~ GojuSuzi
“Nah, the reason they didn’t add another bridesmaid is because your dress could fit Becky perfectly for $0.” ~ Lola_Luvly
“OP mentioned she went to her brother’s place to pick up the dress.”
“How much you wanna bet they already had Becky over to try it on, and that’s how they know they’re the same size?” ~ Beneficial-Step4403
Our Community spoke out.
“Not a family member, but a good female friend of mine asked me to be in their bridal party as a groomsman.”
“I was so happy.”
“But the groom wanted EVERYTHING to be ‘classy.’ I spent over $1200 on the suit rental, bachelor party, gifts, etc. 8 months later, they got divorced.”
“I told myself I’ll never be in another wedding again. Some people don’t understand the investment that it takes to be a good member of a bridal party.”
“NTA.” ~ greelraker
“Was in a similar position, and I’d been burned before as well.”
“Told the groom if he wanted me to be a groomsman AND to fit an exact aesthetic, then he’s paying for all of it.”
“He didn’t like it, but he did end up paying.”
“He eventually got over it, and we’re alright now after his now wife smoothed things over.”
“Oddly enough, she was the one who didn’t want to have a big, costly wedding, and she was fine with me wearing my already-owned nice suit.”
“He wanted everyone matching with specific colors and styles.”
“Groomzillas are a thing too, lmao.” ~ SFAwesomeSauce
Not everyone was on OP’s side.
“NTA for returning your dress for a refund. Or course you’d do that and screw Becky lol”
“YTA for ditching your brothers wedding.”
“He’s your brother. Who cares if you are in the bridal party or not.”
“You can go to Miami another time.” ~ Bitter_Life_4969
“I don’t understand why people always ask about this.”
“If you have a sibling, you should go to their wedding.”
“It takes extenuating circumstances to change this. Nothing you wrote changes that.”
“Suck it up and go to the damn wedding.”
“Yeah, you got kicked out of the wedding party. Yes, your future SIL tried to get you to donate the expensive dress.”
“That makes them tacky and cheap.”
“Skipping his wedding to go on vacation makes YOU tacky. So don’t do it.”
The commitment required for a wedding isn’t just between the bride and groom.
The bridal party, the venue, and the guests all make commitments too.
Sometimes an engagement doesn’t work out, a guest can’t make it to the wedding, or the venue is closed down due to raining iguanas.
These things happen… hopefully not that last one, but you never know!
Honor the commitment when possible, but always honor the person who made it.