Redditor throwaway2847362662 was looking forward to joining her older sister and brother-in-law (BIL) for dinner.
Unfortunately, the evening proved to be something of a misfire, as the original poster (OP)'s BIL had trouble averting his eyes from one particular area of the OP's body.
Understandably, this made the OP's sister furious.
Surprisingly, however, the OP's sister's fury was mostly directed at the OP, claiming the way she dressed was what led to the poor behavior of the OP's BIL.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for dressing inappropriately in front of my BIL?"
The OP explained why she made her sister so angry during a recent dinner out:
"So to start this off, this issue is with me, 22 F[emale], my sister, 26 F, and her husband, 30 M[ale].
"To add some backstory, basically ever since they started growing, my breasts have been large, I have a very small frame otherwise and I am 5ft2, so almost my whole life I have thought that my body looked weird."
"I have always covered up as best as I could with large hoodies, big t-shirts and so on."
"I have always dressed this way as I genuinely was ashamed and hated my body."
"I started working at 16, knowing my main goal was to afford a breast reduction last year I was finally able to afford it and got them done."
"They are still a bit on the bigger side, but I have never ever felt so comfortable and happy in my own body as I do now (not to mention the weight that has LITERALLY been lifted off my shoulders!?)."
"So this last weekend my sister and her husband came to visit our family, and we had planned a dinner at a restaurant."
"It was nothing extravagant, but still a pretty nice place."
"I just wore jeans with a tight fitting shirt, it did not show my breast but since it is tight fitting you can see the outline of them."
"I thought everything went well; we all chatted and talked like usual, but a bit in, I noticed BIL was staring at me extremely much."
"I got kind of uncomfortable, and I think my sister also noticed, and she was silent for almost the whole night after that."
"I thought she was mad at BIL and that she could see that I was uncomfortable with his stares."
"But the same night she texted me, telling me that I did not need to dress so inappropriate in front of a married man, that I need to have some self respect and that she did not think I was the type to try and seduce a married man."
"I texted her, explaining that it was not my intention and told her that I actually felt uncomfortable with his stares."
"She texted me back just saying that if I did not want him to stare, then I should not have dressed that way."
"I was extremely upset by all of this and talked with my mother, but my mother agreed with my sister."
"I am starting to feel like I should've thought about covering up and doing more, especially since my mother also thinks I was an a**hole for this."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wearing a tight-fitting shirt to dinner with her BIL.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's sister should be angry with anyone, it was her husband, who shouldn't have been staring at the OP like he was no matter what she was wearing, and the OP's mother should have realized that as well.
"You are absolutely NTA for having a human woman's body in front of your BIL."
"He's a grown man with a functioning mind, he is the one in charge of where he looks and what his behavior is."
"Staring at any woman until she gets uncomfortable is not ok, and it's even worse at a family gathering."
"Your sister was totally wrong to take her jealousy out on you."
"Your mom is totally wrong to side with her, her own child, for wearing a... shirt at the dinner table?"
"This all really sucks, and you deserve to be supported much better by your family, I would be really angry and upset with their reaction here if I were you."- Margenius
"I'm in no way a Christian, but Jesus responded to this question the best."
"When his male followers complained about the pesky provocative female body that forced their eyes to stray, that badass Jesus told those men to 'pluck out their eyes' if it was so troublesome."
"He then told them to remove their hands if they were tempted to get grabby."
"Because it's not the woman to blame for her allure, but the man who refuses to be accountable for his actions."
"So on very good authority, you're NTA."- Choice_Mongoose2427
"NTA."
"You don't deserve to be harassed based on the clothing you wear."
"She's shifting the blame because she doesn't want to admit she married a creep."- Ok_Job_9417
"NTA."
"Instead of calling you out, she should have apologized for not defending you against her husband's disgusting behavior and her husband's inappropriately wandering eye."
"Regardless if you were in a bikini or covered head to toe in sweats, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS OR REACTIONS!!!"
"Shame on her for putting that unwanted and unnecessary blame on you."- HolyUnicornBatman
"NTA."
"It's her problem with her husband."
"And next time you catch him starting, call him out."- Fit-Establishment219
"Absolutely NTA."
"You can't win with this one, unfortunately."
"Your sister needs to realize that the issue lies with a) her partner and b) her mistrust in her partner."
"He is going to come across women wearing much less in life."- Emma_cooks2003
"NTA."
"Your sister is upset at the wrong person."
"Please ignore her gross comments."- amberlikesowls
"NTA."
"But I would text your Sister 'now that the initial shock has worn off, I have to say, I am very disappointed in you'."
"'Blaming me for your husband staring at me is unacceptable'."
"'The person you should be mad at is YOUR HUSBAND'."
"'I am a grown woman and after not being comfortable in my body for most of my life, I deserve to feel comfortable after my breast reduction'."
"'I thought you, as my Sister, would be supportive of me feeling comfortable in my body'."
"Not tear me down because your insecure and blaming the wrong person'."
"'Just a simple question for you, if he was that brazen with staring at me while you were right there, I wonder what he has done without you around'."
"'Your husband is a pig'."
"'You shouldn't want to be with him, and I sure as hell don't!'"
"'When you are ready to apologize, I will be waiting'."- Bonnm42
"NTA."
"You did not dress inappropriately; your BIL needs to keep his eyes in check."
"Your sister and mother are absolutely pathetic in blaming you and ignoring BIL's bad behavior."-Kukka63
"NTA." - Pretty-Necessary-941
What the actual hell?
"Very very NTA!"
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing a fitting shirt."
"There would, in fact, be absolutely nothing wrong with you wearing a skin tight, bright red, low cut 'holy wow' dress, either!"
"You should always wear what makes you feel good and look nice and is appropriate for the occasion."
"Nothing you described even comes close to scandalous!"
"Your BIL is the one with an issue, and your sister is insecure about his roving eye and blaming you for it."
"So is your mother, which is horrible."
"Everyone here is an AH except for you."
"Get out of that situation as soon as you can, and go live your best life surrounded by people who love you just the way you are!"- savinathewhite
It is pretty shocking that the OP's sister didn't even think about how uncomfortable the OP was with her husband staring at her the way he was.
Almost leaving one to wonder if this maybe wasn't the first time he behaved this way?
One can only hope that it won't take another such occasion for the OP's sister to think about her perspective on this and offer her the apology she deserves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp